Elder Oaks' talk today was great.

"I don't have all the answers...and I'm beginning to be okay with that"

--Random quote from the EG conference

Okay. I'm not used to posting such personal things on this blog, such as the post of my brother, things about work et cetera. So I'm going to be taking a little vacation and hiding for a bit until this uncomfortable vulnerable feeling stops and I feel safe to post here again.

That one place I work...

okay everyone, I'm sure most of you know that I work at an inspirational book store. Great times, right? Most of the time...yes I mean, selling someone a picture of Christ that they'll look at all the time, or maybe suggesting a book that they look like they'd enjoy.

But then there are other times when people feel that their local booksellers need to hear everything in your life...Here's a small list of things I've had customer's tell me.

We have one customer who comes in weekly, he's a compulsive liar, so that should disqualify him from blog acknowledgement...but they're entertaining.

"I have ALS, I only have 6 months to a year to live"
The Next week it was...
"I have MS, in about 12 months I'll be confind to a wheel chair."
and then to my coworker
"Do you have a problem discussing urination...because of my "condition" I have a severe problem with wetting myself."

The next lady
"I need to find a scapbook cover for a wedding, but it can't say "temple wedding," because she's pregnant."

"My daughter is marrying a BAPTIST! I can't believe it! She just barely left a porn addict and now she's going to marry someone WORSE! Do you have ANYTHING that might change her mind?!"

Those are just a few. I have more written down at work. My favorite customers that I have come in are ones that are buying a Mark Chamberlain book, or Colleen Harrison's He Did Deliver Me From Bondage. They are usually extremly nervous, I laugh at them inside and think to myself "If they only knew who they were buying this book from." I make a polite comment that Dr Chamberlain is a great man, with wonderful insights--and more recently, that I was able to hear him a week ago at a conference (he spoke at the EG conference) They walk out the door and I hope that they'll make it.

I don't know if I mentioned this, but during ED week my store was wicked busy, I had someone come in, the woman opened very cautiously to a page in an ad that, she then pointed to the book "In Quiet Desperation" she asked where it was. I suddenly felt my knees give out a little, I was so nervous. Masking my nerves, I quickly walked over to our self improvement section, and handed her the book and told her, "This is book is in my top-ten that we have at this store." That sentence alone floored her. She didn't quite know what to say, "Oh, so you've read this..." she asked me. I quickly answered, "Yes, I found the content appropriate, timely, and spiritually based, there is a lot of insight that the authors bring to the topic, I loved it" I could tell she was putting two and two together, not quite knowing what she should say next. I filled the awkward conversational gap with, "Well, if you need anything else. Please let me know" I smiled kindly, trying to tell her that I know what they're going through, I understood her families pain, and I wanted to help... I tried to tell her that everything would be okayy. After that, I went back to my hanging some framed art while she looked around some more...

I wish I would've given her my email address, offering help. But I figured it wasn't my place, nor would she feel at all comfortable doing so if I even offered. But I wonder all the time if her and her family is okay.

Anywho.

My brother

On February 26th of 2003 my oldest brother passed away. He was barely 28, gay, and a drug addict. He overdosed while speed balling. My brother was also the only person in my family that made me feel like I was actually connected...He was brilliant, kind, and a year before he passed away he promised me that he was going to be the best big brother ever. He kept that promise until a few months before he died, when the drugs started to take over his life.

Samantha mentioned a few weeks ago some things about my brother...mainly that I miss him a lot more than I let on...which I do. I wish he was still here, I miss watching movies with him, I miss having him tell about a cool new CD, or him giving me rides to a coffee house so I can get a caramel white hot chocolate, while he got one of his pretentious caffeine fixes. The last few years of his life he was dating one of the best guys that I knew, they were both happy and he took care of my brother. Since my brother passed away, his boyfriend has stayed in touch and made sure that I made it through adolescence without too much damage. I was thinking about that today, so I decided to rummage through his boxes we have in the attic... I found his journal, is faux journal (the diary of a wanna be scenester) I forgot how artistic he was! Towards the end of his life he was doing portraits of his favorite music artists strictly by shading in with lyrics to their songs.

Maybe I’m just imagining this, but I think we have the same smile.





I'm not sad that I went through his things today, I'm actually really happy that I did. I miss him, and I'm okay with that.

Bishop interview #1

I decided I wanted to keep track of all my interactions with my ecclesiastical leaders from now until I leave on a mission (whenever that may be) When my Stake President got my rejection letter from the Missionary Department, the missionary department wanted to make sure I was seeing my bishop every month to make sure I'm not suicidal, buying a rainbow thong,or moving to San Fran


It was an uncomfortable sunday. In Sunday school, I kept picturing in my mind throwing a hymn book at The Slow Talker and Brother Expletive Delete. After church I went to talk to my bishop, it was one of our monthly mandated visits. The meeting was it's average of a whole 5 minutes. He asked how I was doing, I told him the truth, he then said I was going about this the right way, shook my hand and walked me toward the door. Todays visit wasn't a negative eperience, although it was a long way from positive. My questions rarely get answered...although that is my fault, I only rarely get to asking them point blank...which is needed with this bishop.

Maybe next month I'll print a copy of the church interview on SSA, and maybe buy my bishop a copy of IQD so he won't seem so awkward around me.

A few minutes ago I was thinking, and something that Alan Chambers, president of exodus international said at the EG conference started resonating with me, he mentioned, "I never want another kid to feel as though he is dammned like I did" in reference to his experience with homosexual attraction.

I started to think about this, I never felt like I was going to go to hell just for my feelings. First I thought I wasn't trying hard enough. Then I just thought I could never live a life that was in accordance with Christ and His teachings. I didn't think I could make it, that I'd fall away like so many of my brothers friends, and his last boyfriend.

But two weeks before I started to reconcile my homosexual attractions I was at work and I started thinking to myself, "I'm going to go on a mission, try to be worthy...then come home, go to school, last as long as I could, But I will eventually leave the church to pursue a same sex relationship."

Thank God I was wrong, I discovered that it was okay that I dealt with this, it wasn't my fault, it didn't need repenting of, and I could make it!

Tonight I realized I don't want anyone to think they can't make it, like it's too hard, or not worth it. Because it IS worth it, and you can make it.

There are so many times, like when I was recently listening to Snow Patrol's song Chasing Cars, and then Set The Fire to the Third Bar, I started to long to share those songs with someone I loved. But then I opened up my notebook and found these words, also by Alan Chambers, "We are called to live a life of denial."

Remember, "Our trials simply reveal to us our true selves"

A few days ago, someone I am/was very good friends with told me I don't trust anyone that isn't gay. I can count on one hand the number of straight people I really trust...eh.

any thoughts on the matter?

Evergreen...

anyway. So the EG conference was a lot of fun... As Samantha mentioned that she wishes she could give the credit to the EG conference...but really, it was because we're all so much fun to be around. There were some times when we were so bored that we ended up passing notes back and forth, (see post below) giving out our own awards--thanks Smurf for giving me the "Most Ridiculous Laugh" (in all honesty, no one else had a chance with that one.) Then there was the time when I had to run out of the Q&A session for the Male "Strugglers" and then saw Samantha running out of the one she was in... after that Smurf and Sam read Isaiah together while I laughed continuously.

I learned a lot, but mostly about how great it was to have friends who understand, and not have any awkward sexual tension--which is rare when meeting other gay guys.

Ummm i'm tired now. Maybe tomorrow I'll have more ambition.

a few pictures

I don't think any of you can undestand the pain that is involved when a boring psychotherapist gets up there to accept an award... and then have atleast 4 people do it... it was horrible. Although, I realized how grateful I am for the invention of post-it notes.



Soon after that we were getting desperate...

But anywho, I'm so glad I went to the EG conference and got to meet a few of you, it was really a great experience.

too much to digest right now, but I think things will really be a little bit better, and different. I'm... happy and not cynical...well i don't know how true that was. but....

I feel 100% okay.

*cough*

Well, the EG conference starts tomorrow, hopefully it'll be a party. and if not, we'll just have Smurf start a game of smear the queer.

There’s so much I want to write, and there are a few reasons behind this, I haven’t really posted in quite some time, and secondly I’ve had a few experiences lately that have really just added to this emotional and spiritual vat of Fleh. (Don’t ask, just make the “fleh” noise and you’ll probably understand)

As I posted on one of my other blogs I’m going to start to rebuild myself, I have a lot to put back together, and there are some things I’m going to try to incorporate in this reconstruction. One of the things that I know will be essential will be what Samantha and I talked about, which would be to love myself no matter what; no matter what I do, my temptations, my situation with me serving a mission. Yet another factor that I need to bring in would be a stronger relationship with Christ, not built on knowledge but built on prayer and communication with Him. How can I expect to build myself on the Rock who is my Redeemer when I don’t go to Him in prayer?

Also, I was able to attend a fireside with other members of the Church who struggle with Same Sex Attraction. The person who spoke was a woman in her mid-twenties from Idaho. She was married to a man who struggled with SSA; they had a beautiful little girl. Five months after their daughter was born they were traveling home and a drunk driver hit them. Her husband and daughter died and she was in a coma for several weeks.

A few days after the accident she received a blessing by Elder Eyring and she was healed.
She showed us a statue of Christ carrying a girl that was by her bedside while she was in the hospital. I looked at it, and felt that I’ve been carried, and if I let Him now, He will carry me through what I’m facing.

We had Regional Conference on Sunday, I was mostly impressed by Elder Wirthlin’s talk about carrying on. Last month his wife passed away, and he was up there telling us to carry on, I was so impressed by his strength in that, I could tell he was hurting, that he was struggling—yet, as Pinetree pointed out, he was carrying on, exemplifying perfectly the topic he chose to speak on.

One thing that I was able to be comforted with was the fact that Christ has walked our path; He knows us and is willing to help us. He loves us, He does. He knows what we’re going through.

I need to stop writing since I have work soon and it’s going to be a long day.

I'm finally understanding prayer, finally

you know youre in utah when...

... Your fast food lady asks you why you aren't on a mission.

wtf?

"He is despised and rejected of men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief and we hid as it were our faces from Him; He was despised and we esteemed Him not.

"Surely he has borne our greifs, and carried our sorrows, yet we esteem Him stricken, smitten of God and afflicted

"Be He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities, the chastisement of our pease was upon Him,

and with His stripes we are healed..."

Isaiah 53:3-5

I swear on my life that if one more of my old friends calls me to mention werf lost their viriginity, I will explode. It's really starting to get ridiculous. Samantha, that stick you offered to keep freaks away would be greatly appreciated.

Okay, so church… How can I explain how I feel about my particular congregation and the situation that I’m in? I love the church; it’s a means where I can obtain a better relationship with my God and my Redeemer. Although, since I’ve found out about the mission that attending church does make me a little down.

Two weeks ago, I was sitting in the standard pew near the back of the chapel in my hometown; a family who has been in the ward for about a year was sitting two pews in front of me. They have the most adorable girl who is just under 2 Years old; she walked back to me, and just laughed. Honestly, my feelings were hurt a little! She ran back to her mom, then ran back to me with some toys, she lifted her arms up in the “pick me up, I’m really and I wanna play!” fashion those kids tend to pull on us. She sat with me the rest of Sacrament meeting.

It was great, I felt loved, and for the first time in my life, I actually wanted kids of my own.

Church wasn’t so bad that week.

When I get to church this week, I was forced to sit in the cultural hall with those hard folding chairs. It was fast and testimony meeting, and after with a minor stint of Brother Expletive Delete talking about his bible bashing escapades in various chat rooms we were back on track.

Testimony meeting was good! I wasn’t depressed! Someone a lot younger than me got his mission call, and I wasn’t depressed about that either! Oh! And also in Gospel Doctrine the teacher burned Brother Expletive Delete! It was pretty much amazing.

Oh, and this whole Fasting thing sort of works…who knew?

Random trips to Salt Lake for a gyro that is only mediocre, good conversation with a great friend. then game night--thanks for not making me feel *too* stupid.

overall, it was a good day.