tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-234836082012-01-28T14:08:50.650-07:00.:The Night Starts Here:.AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.comBlogger2981100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-82849167016036731672011-12-24T18:31:00.001-07:002011-12-24T18:32:44.648-07:00

There's a new post on my blog here. Enjoy!

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-62321724310253730922010-02-01T15:08:00.000-07:002010-02-01T15:09:30.934-07:00

at the new blog here

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-80794303043938121832008-05-03T03:37:00.001-06:002008-05-03T03:38:53.236-06:00

We Own The Skythere is barely anything there, but soon there will be.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-92210939237486788852008-04-24T17:39:00.002-06:002008-04-24T18:14:30.476-06:00

I called in sick today to Your Local Inspirational Bookstore. I had a fever when I woke up and an obnoxious cold I've been dealing with moved into my chest making me cough up nasty stuff all day. Hmmm...Well, I wanted to check in and write about how normal I feel right now. A year ago I was hardly able to eat, I reached out to people in desperation--I was miserable. Even though I may not be

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-52603770289611852962008-03-31T04:02:00.001-06:002008-03-31T04:04:16.566-06:00

So, whoever was the anonymous comments on my blog the last two days, would you please email me @ attemptingthepath(at)gmail(dot)com I would love have a private discussion on the matter, and since your commented anonymously, I have no other option than say something like this on my blog.thanks.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-28191751119734357382008-03-18T01:23:00.000-06:002008-03-18T21:57:55.046-06:00

The heart breaks and breaks and lives by breaking. It is necessary to go dark and deeper dark and not to turn.--Stanley KunitzJust sort of down tonight. Things are going so well, sometimes life is just lame.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-80923640471231544802008-03-03T04:06:00.002-07:002008-03-03T04:17:11.696-07:00

with Tegan and Sara, my old best friend Suzie and her friend Meg, staying up late and smiling. Today sucked, but ended well. I went to wal-mart in American Fork and bought some candy, new razor blades, and a new toothbrush. I'm also obsessed with asofterworld comics. they bring me such joy. ...

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-89823840508205525752008-02-27T14:17:00.000-07:002008-02-27T14:18:20.300-07:00

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-62389141828818311752008-02-26T02:40:00.002-07:002008-02-26T02:48:08.257-07:00

Today marks the 5th anniversary of the death of my oldest brotherToday marks the 4th anniversary of my grandfather passing away, it's also been 4 years since I lost the hearing in one of my ears.I know it's late and I shouldn't be thinking but I feel robbed. There are also a few people I want to say, "fuck you" to, well... I guess that'd be repetitive since I already did that earlier today. In

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-81127551521812135632008-02-11T23:45:00.000-07:002008-02-11T23:47:06.836-07:00

I love Samantha Stevens... For the first time in a while I felt like I really laughed while talking with her tonight. It was quite refreshing. that is all.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-39419966113344398432008-01-29T00:11:00.000-07:002008-01-29T00:12:05.817-07:00

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-43833616478835861852008-01-21T22:46:00.000-07:002008-01-21T22:47:45.583-07:00

In five days it will be my brother, Ben’s, birthday again. He died almost five years ago, one month exactly after his 27th birthday. I’ve written about this relentlessly: the condition in which we found his body, the drug use that led to his death, his wonderfully supportive boyfriend, and how much I love and miss him. The day after he passed away, we went through his cell’s phonebook and told

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-3711333996466101802008-01-20T12:35:00.000-07:002008-01-20T12:46:11.186-07:00

It's been a crazy week. So many things are changing, a few things are going against me, but most aren't. I have incredible, supportive friends that I know love me. Samantha, my roommates (they tolerate my messiness and crazier-than-a-shit-house-rat demeanor far too well) My parents care for me [I'm believing this for the first time since I came out to them] People I work with sensed that

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-18642204957425038622008-01-07T22:26:00.001-07:002008-01-07T22:33:06.825-07:00

I have been having troubles eating lately. Usually I can just force myself to eat some healthier foods, but today I had a can of Dr. Pepper, a half slice of bread with vinegar, and about 1 cup of a protein shake that my roommate made (thank you, by the way) I can't do it anymore. There used to be people I could be with and I would want to eat. That hasn't happened lately. Relationships are

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-90000447380171110812007-12-23T01:10:00.000-07:002007-12-23T01:35:39.971-07:00

I have spent so much freaking money the past two months. It's scary. I'm actually surprised I still have money in my checking account. I mean, there was the trip to central america, shopping in LA with Max Power, my new Ipod (therapist told me to buy it... that's the story I'm sticking to) and also the gifts for people... but I found something else I want. I'm not a huge fan of her art, well,

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-28593473581423165882007-12-17T11:51:00.001-07:002007-12-17T12:01:37.605-07:00

as simple of an equation as that is, I still don't get it.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-86684660367309521562007-12-17T00:57:00.000-07:002007-12-17T01:00:39.367-07:00

It's late, I know I shouldn't be up this late trying to write what's going on in my life. But I can't do it. It makes me so sad, I won't. I'm scared of what it might mean, how long have I been living on a lie?Too fucking long.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-23159640589815965122007-12-01T18:47:00.001-07:002007-12-01T18:49:52.901-07:00

Er, I've been back for a week or so, I have no excuse for not blogging...I don't have much to say, other than If I were more cognizant in the 80's I would have gone straight for Pat Benatar.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-34069503018365634082007-11-14T18:34:00.000-07:002007-11-14T18:35:51.763-07:00

Anyway kids, I'm headed on vacation for a week and a half. I might post pictures when I get back.woot.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-47214892093975737682007-11-12T01:50:00.000-07:002007-11-12T01:51:13.320-07:00

I miss the New Kid. A lot. damn missions.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-90303862437470933542007-11-09T10:05:00.000-07:002007-11-09T10:06:23.556-07:00

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-24845024647121831832007-11-05T18:15:00.000-07:002007-11-05T18:19:08.540-07:00

So, I went to see Therapist today, and it kind of sucked. I know it doesn't seem like it on my blog, but I really do hate talking about my problems. So, the point of this post is to say that I'm kind of sad, I want to kick and scream and say that it isn't fair, and that I really wish it would be all better and okay. Maybe sometime soon, right? I certainly hope so.anyway, almost time for the

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-74798153204164714302007-10-31T00:42:00.000-06:002007-10-31T00:49:14.855-06:00

I went to visit Samantha this last weekend and I had an incredible time. A misquoting GA glowered at us in church while we played with Transformers, we ate artichokes, drank hot chocolate, and she even played the piano for me. It was incredible escaping into the beautiful world of the Queen. The drive was excellent: radio blasting Rihanna, David Sedaris and David Rakoff books on Ipod, and the

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-9740288356162483462007-10-20T01:34:00.000-06:002007-10-20T01:35:32.430-06:00

I did something today I never thought I would do, and my first thought was that I wish I had worn sexier underwear. While I was at work I was in the back stockroom finishing up one project, and getting ready to leave. I was wearing my favorite pair of worn–in corduroys, an old pair of Doc Martins and a clearance Lands End button up (read: AtP’s straight man ensemble) I had just noticed some

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-62145510730734974862007-10-18T12:07:00.000-06:002007-10-18T12:15:37.156-06:00

This is the third intro to a post I’ve written in the last thirty minutes. I’ve deleted everything else because it would only cause a commotion, just take up unnecessary space, and waste your time and mine. I’m scared that all the planning, analyzing, and the general amount of work that I’ve done the last few months is being taken away from me. I can almost feel some person robbing me of

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-68392569081907220502007-10-15T01:35:00.000-06:002007-10-15T01:44:42.405-06:00

I don't want to write about why I have been feeling so on edge latelyI don't want to revisit the memories of the last week and share them with the worldI don't want to write about how I haven't been able to eat well for the last weekor how sad, I amor how frustrated, I am. No. I won't do it. I can't.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-64604417860886425182007-10-12T14:44:00.000-06:002007-10-12T14:48:07.837-06:00

Sometimes I miss my brother, a lot.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-42044939713372742872007-10-01T15:57:00.000-06:002007-10-01T15:58:07.180-06:00

I’ve been feeling just a little bit off the past few days. I couldn’t pinpoint it, I didn’t want to say what was causing it because it means I’m not as emotionally mature as I thought I was. That pisses me off. Come on, now. This year has been jam-packed craziness for me…literally. I moved out, got in a co-dependent relationship, moved back to P-town, was suicidal, found a more stable

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-3355606431899946962007-09-26T19:40:00.000-06:002007-09-26T19:41:42.017-06:00

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-69920987448529431802007-09-25T01:31:00.000-06:002007-09-25T01:35:15.716-06:00

I don’t know what I really want to get out of posting, other than just having the satisfaction of putting something on my blog. I think I just want to say that I’m doing okay. I’m happy and sad. I’m willing to live the gospel, but scared of what that can mean. There is joy, pain, and peace. There are things I am working on, things I want to work on, and things I’ve already accomplished in

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-39606409300548246862007-09-18T23:51:00.000-06:002007-09-18T23:59:55.508-06:00

"I bear testimony that you cannot sink farther than the light and sweeping intelligence of Jesus Christ can reach. I bear testimony that as long as there is one spark of the will to repent and to reach, he is there. He did not just descend to your condition; he descended below it, 'that he might be in all and through all things, the light of truth'"--Truman G. Madsen, Christ and the Inner Life

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-50413176532650487022007-09-13T11:01:00.000-06:002007-09-13T12:23:06.069-06:00

I have like three different posts I'm working on, none of which will probably ever reach completion. I should just give up on them now.Anywho, I'm headed out for the weekend to hang out with The New Kid and Max (Here's to Hope) and some really cool catholic girls that used to read my straight blog. I'm out!

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-92203614063512444152007-09-10T17:21:00.001-06:002007-09-10T22:48:52.866-06:00

"Now I know how to masturbate...what's next?"--Samantha

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-22007015391962026062007-09-04T00:37:00.000-06:002007-09-04T01:08:30.984-06:00

It's been a few months since I've felt sad when I eat, but it's happening again. Nothing tastes good, I have no appetite whatsoever, I can't keep my blood sugar anywhere near normal, I want to throw up every time I eat anything substantial and all of that just makes me feel like explodingWhen I think about it, I'm not surprised I'm feeling like this, if I can pull through for the next few days

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-65945250188391631322007-09-03T01:02:00.000-06:002007-09-03T01:14:54.596-06:00

I just finished a post and saved it, hopefully I won't feel the need to actually press the publish button on that one. I'm going to complain for a second because:It's not fair.It's not what I want for my life right now.I'm kind of annoyedSo don't be surprised if I drag my feet a little, this is kind of a big step that I don't particularly want to make right now.sighDammit.PS This is so scary

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-8295143806195739022007-09-02T13:36:00.001-06:002007-09-02T19:03:35.897-06:00

I'm typing this as the toilet in the next room is making a particularly scary whining sound, and the television is on, so don't blame me if this seems disjointed, I'm kind of distracted. Hmmm Flava just said on The Flava of Love marathon "If it don't apply, let it slide" I'm not quite sure what that means, but it was referring to a cat fight including a purported transvestite and someone they

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-79139859130273636262007-08-25T10:12:00.001-06:002007-08-25T10:18:25.640-06:00

I'm just going to say it and you can think I'm a jerk, but whatever.I miss the old Queerosphere, and when I say old, I mean before the Tribune article last year. This time is also known as before most of you had blogs in the QoS. Those were better days. PS I miss Ward Cleaver.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-59511837088893706172007-08-24T19:01:00.000-06:002007-08-24T19:06:26.942-06:00

Ack! I had a few consistent posts and then I sort of forget I had a blog for a week. I hate when this happens. Samantha and Darrin came to visit me [hey, I can believe whatever I want to believe, OK?], we had lunch at our favorite place, and then they went to play with the FoxyJ and Master Fob. It’s been Education Week in this area of the world, and that means that work has been kind of crazy

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-47844211424028080922007-08-17T23:04:00.000-06:002007-08-17T23:06:48.049-06:00

Last night I began wondering what my life will be like when I’m older. Will I have anyone to take care of me if or when I get ill, or perhaps what will I do when I become too old to take care of myself and have no family to help me?I must admit this was the first time I’ve thought about this. When I’ve visualized my future, it never really goes that far. I remember a reoccurring dream when I

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-76957450581048107792007-08-17T00:18:00.000-06:002007-08-17T09:45:42.144-06:00

Today while I was unpacking items [2008 temple calendars] at Your Local Inspirational Bookstore, I noticed that there was a certain size of box that had a very interesting name. Yes, at YLIBS we even have religious references on our shipping products. Wow.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-3638684685147403192007-08-16T01:06:00.000-06:002007-08-16T01:29:02.128-06:00

OK it's after 1 am and I'm tired, but I wanted to write about why I'm grateful I have the church and the gospel in my life. It'll be short, since this post is mainly 1. I have a knowledge of deity. I know how I relate to them, and even though I resist communicating with God, He is always there for me. If it wasn't for the church, I never would have had teachers to help me help me start to

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-3884925649911851032007-08-12T20:38:00.000-06:002007-08-12T20:46:45.178-06:00

I currently have 27 posts saved as drafts for this particular blog. I can't publish any of it. I wish I could have kept my readership at a distance, I'm too scared my friends read my blog, there are things people can't know about me: I'm too broken, too ugly, too scared. Someone like me shouldn't feel so sad. I have friends, an OK job, a car that runs well, and a few people that I know care very

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-11238701407863864392007-08-12T19:06:00.001-06:002007-09-04T00:32:12.489-06:00

“Hemingway has his classic moment in "The Sun Also Rises" when someone asks Mike Campbell how he went bankrupt. All he can say is, "Gradually, then suddenly." That's how depression hits. You wake up one morning, afraid that you're going to live.”

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-76453356009085316242007-08-08T09:01:00.000-06:002007-08-08T09:07:41.012-06:00

I don't want to post, but I probably will press the publish button instead of the save button. I still want to be gone. I woke up today feeling like nothing was holding my body together, I feel wretched and worthless... it's never a good sign when I wake up like this. This is surely just some residual effects from the really lame panic attack I had Monday morning, but this is ridiculous. Why

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-30132421810032581532007-07-29T19:30:00.000-06:002007-07-29T19:34:59.505-06:00

Hey, it feels so good not to feel obligated to write, I've actually contemplated shutting this one down.Anyway, I just wanted to throw a link out there to one of my favorite blogs ever. I've met this kid and he's incredible, and his writing is just as amazing. I resonate very well with what he has to say and it's beautiful. So take some time and head over to...LDS Eunuchanyway, I'm still gone.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-28494098571657438202007-07-24T23:36:00.000-06:002007-07-25T00:16:57.801-06:00

I'm tired of feeling like I can't write in this blog for fear of receiving more concerned emails begging me to open up to the sender. Chances are, I don't trust you or want you in my life. That being said, I won't be updating for a while. I hope you all understand.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-22006355078862605832007-07-16T17:44:00.000-06:002007-07-16T17:48:14.568-06:00

Hey Samantha, Remember that one time that Smurf's friend came out to his mom as an autosexual?I think we found a way for her to meet her meet her soulmate. Finally, a solution for all the other autsexuals in the world!

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-26429757729304044222007-07-15T01:06:00.000-06:002007-07-15T12:14:20.299-06:00

Okay, I need to put this up really quick so people don't think I'm evil and very ungrateful.stephalumpagus, the book is incredible, and so are you.Thank you Beck for taking Samantha and I to lunch. It was wonderful meeting you.Thanks Samantha for the flowers they are beautiful. And to everyone else, thanks for the texts, phone calls, etc. You did more than my parents did--since they decided to

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-78022869365597493542007-07-13T09:06:00.000-06:002007-07-13T09:07:07.383-06:00

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-41632414567390404602007-07-13T01:40:00.000-06:002007-07-13T01:48:22.001-06:00

Back in my high school days, I was relentlessly involved in the journalism program, newspaper and yearbook was my life. I loved writing satirical articles, book reviews, doing layout, and I felt like I was in control with a grease pencil in my hand. One particularly drizzly February afternoon while I was a sophomore, I was reading The Lovely Bones for the book review that week. It wasn’t

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-71122763340791492022007-07-12T12:47:00.000-06:002007-07-12T13:07:41.079-06:00

Many of you who know me personally can attest to the fact that I love playing at parks. Swinging is one of my favorite feelings in the entire world, I would do it all day if I could. You know I care for you if I've taken you to a park, played on the swings then we've talked afterwards. There are two times I've gone to a park in north Provo, which is my favorite mostly for sentimental reasons,

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-18744023316872149412007-07-11T02:56:00.001-06:002007-07-11T02:57:37.279-06:00

just got back from seeing harry potter...Helena Bonham Carter stole the show. she was absolutely incredible.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-52907582291302681342007-07-09T12:21:00.000-06:002007-07-09T12:29:48.027-06:00

My parents and I have dinner about twice a month, and I tend to bring a few people over each time we do it, my brother's kids love meeting all of my friends, and it's nice to have friends there.Last night AgentKat, John, and Danish Boy came over. After dinner we went outside and threw tomahawks...I bet you didn't see that one coming.Here's a picture of the first one Danish Boy ever had stick in

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-32329631474801534952007-07-07T14:18:00.000-06:002007-07-07T14:23:54.307-06:00

The thread of comments on my last post is now the reason why I won’t hastily write a vague post ever again.I, like most of you , have counters on your blog so you can tell how many pageloads there are. Over the last few months my average daily page loads have dropped about 40 per day, I can tell when people come to my blog, and for those of you who commented thank you.Moving on…I’ve been

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-32414868493866586502007-07-06T10:18:00.000-06:002007-07-06T10:25:38.559-06:00

Dear Loyal Reader,Yes, I’m only addressing the one person who is reading, I’ve noticed a drastic drop in readership since I stopped posting super happy fun posts about being gay, but it’s my blog, so meh. I’m having a very difficult time with the concept of having friends right now. It makes me feel kind of lost and slightly angry. I don’t want to go back to where I was a year ago, but I really

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-37107695632975270872007-07-03T01:09:00.000-06:002007-07-03T01:20:38.571-06:00

In November 2006 I did something very unlike me, I reached out to a friend and asked for a priesthood blessing. One of the things that was promised to me in the blessing was that as I developed a closer relationship with God, He would help me understand all of the things inside of me that were causing me conflict. In a way I saw that happen last night.As I knelt in prayer, He helped me put some

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-25308260354400078792007-07-01T18:05:00.000-06:002007-07-01T18:13:39.444-06:00

My life right now consists only of work, and trying different things to get me to a place where I can cope with what I'm going through. I wish I could just get it right the first time, wouldn't that be nice?I am me, and I have a lot of work to do, and I am beginning to be okay with that. Happy Sunday

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-37981081416605315882007-06-28T00:52:00.000-06:002007-06-28T01:00:15.098-06:00

I had a conversation with God last night. It’s been happening more lately, and I kind of like it. I’m glad I’m the only one in my apartment right now; otherwise my roommates would think I am crazy. Last night we talked about me serving a mission, I’m kind of scared that I won’t be able to because of mental health reasons, along with the whole being morally clean thing. We talked about some ways

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-53855652120736931452007-06-27T00:00:00.000-06:002007-06-27T00:06:18.365-06:00

I don't know why this one made me laugh... After I showed this to a friend she said "You're unwell...And you know as well as I do that no guy would ever consider twice."

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-11823415336279774552007-06-26T00:40:00.000-06:002007-06-26T00:41:49.361-06:00

On Saturday I met an old blogger friend from WAY back in the day, I invited her along to a MoHo gathering. Sounds like nothing out of the norm but this girl had no idea that I’m gay… or that Mormons could even be gay… awkward huh?So after we had dinner at Costa Vida I told her about my “situation” on our way to the little get together. I prefaced it with the opportunity for me to take her home

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-88584407209003493982007-06-24T17:31:00.000-06:002007-06-24T17:38:01.381-06:00

Had one of those, "It's true, and it's worth it" moments.Those are always nice.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-36235665759035227112007-06-20T12:18:00.000-06:002007-06-20T14:44:58.407-06:00

I’m here again: fingers resting lightly on home row with nothing to type, feeling as if the bright glow of the LCD screen on my Macbook is laughing at me, sort of like how my friends laugh at me when I didn’t hear something they said, or when I can’t talk well late at night. I’m feeling a disconnect between other bloggers and myself, which is probably why I haven’t felt the intense urge to blog

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-47798862072830171442007-06-19T00:47:00.000-06:002007-06-19T00:49:49.715-06:00

Man's needs, however onerous they may be, will never exhaust God's love, His supply is boundless.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-37051594046539652072007-06-15T18:51:00.000-06:002007-06-15T19:32:48.588-06:00

My words aren't working, I want to write endlessly but the words aren't forming sentences,then what is coming out doesn't make sense. I do know a few things:1. i'm broken2. I'm really scared I'm going to be like this the rest of my life.3. I think this kind of sucks. in different, but not 100% completely unrelated news...I miss my brother.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-28527408946863010252007-06-12T19:04:00.000-06:002007-06-13T11:36:56.163-06:00

While At Work...[written yesterday] Today while I was helping an elderly woman a young man walked up to my coworker and purchased In Quiet Desperation. I managed to say that it was a good book he was getting, nothing more. I really wanted to talk to him and let him know that he wasn't alone, give him the necessary contact information in case he needed some support, and to let him know that

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-88587120432981033052007-06-10T19:47:00.000-06:002007-06-10T19:50:11.272-06:00

That was it. I finished reading Kira Kira just a few moments ago and one tear fell from my right eye, onto my nose and then onto the right leg of the pants I wore to church.That hasn't happened in four years. I haven't actually felt a tear leave my eyes in four years. It made me feel human, it made me feel alive.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-85276151990844836312007-06-10T17:27:00.000-06:002007-06-10T17:29:47.306-06:00

This afternoon is better. Yesterday was hell, all of last week was hell.I worked for nearly ten hours yesterday, every once in a while I come to the conclusion that if I perform well enough at work that’s all that matters in my life. I did the best I’ve ever done yesterday, perfect smile, mingling, sharing thoughts from my favorite books. All the while I was dreading the night that was about to

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-37220309956891028662007-06-10T00:19:00.000-06:002007-06-10T00:29:12.063-06:00

There are volumes I cannot speak. I just want someone to understand.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-35527497328222779332007-06-06T00:39:00.001-06:002007-06-06T00:57:04.388-06:00

I'm currently re-reading The Bell Jar by the love of my life, Victoria Lucas, and I'd like to share a quote I hope you will all enjoy, "There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends."It made me really glad to not be living in trashy dorms in the heart of Salt Lake City anymore. I felt so bad for my roommate because he woke up so many times to the sound of me throwing up

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-29834691991851255352007-06-05T12:41:00.000-06:002007-06-05T12:44:11.632-06:00

Romans 8:35-39Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-81995585590864792172007-06-04T13:43:00.000-06:002007-06-04T13:44:55.915-06:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-6709689407427371132007-06-04T13:16:00.001-06:002007-06-04T13:16:56.408-06:00

Saturday morning I woke up late, in a bad mood I checked a few blogs. I read one that isn’t the queerosphere announcing that a friend of mine had chosen to leave the church. I got kind of emotional and pity-party-ish phrases like, all of the emotions tying back into the feeling of loss since my brother’s death over four years ago. I got to work about 15 minutes late and made it through most of

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-16041080075528359122007-06-03T23:59:00.000-06:002007-06-04T00:16:19.803-06:00

So, I just had an...interesting conversation with my roommate and his fiance.Highlights include:Talking about birth control which Roommate's Fiance is now on.Her latest gynecological endeaver in which she received the new drugs, and the awkward vaginal examination from a large bearded manand also her vaginal expander....which she proudly showed me. Then she said to her soon-to-be lover, "I don't

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-6024417170376587562007-06-03T01:42:00.000-06:002007-06-03T01:54:47.394-06:00

So much to blog about. I'm too tired to actually blog about it.But here's my desperate plea, it's my aunt's birthday family gathering...I need a date--anyone of the female persuasion want to meet my awful family tomorrow around 5 PM?

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-42996884812305528382007-05-31T11:07:00.000-06:002007-05-31T11:27:55.877-06:00

What have I been doing lately? Working, procrastinating doing laundry, I haven't done dishes in a really long time but engaged roommate #1 is wicked nice and does them for me. I owe him. I've also been hanging out with The Girl Whose Blogging Name is Yet to be Determined who seems to have settled on Michelle in her last comment on my blog, her best friend, and The New Kid the past few nights.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-26967493582898628722007-05-30T17:56:00.000-06:002007-05-30T18:46:33.022-06:00

I mentioned this in my most recent post, but right now I'm thinking a great deal on the love that God has for us. I’ve felt that I could disobey the commandments of the gospel of Christ, or I could abide peacefully in them—He’d love me no matter what. He does love me perfectly, as He does all of us. I mentioned in my post Letting Go about how scared I am do actually distance myself from the idea

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-81259462403753945262007-05-28T12:05:00.001-06:002007-05-28T20:07:03.390-06:00

Is it possible? For the last year and a half I've been sitting on the fence feigning commitment to Him and keeping the option to date men open in case that whole "Jesus" thing doesn't work out. The pain of indecision is seeming to be more than the pain of actually letting go, so I must be getting close to be getting to that pointI've had some incredible spiritual experiences the last few weeks.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-43153429798388375512007-05-28T00:49:00.001-06:002007-05-28T00:49:56.104-06:00

Although the weekend ended a day early for me, it was incredible. Exactly what I needed. More to come, if I feel like writing about it.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-90797684582345180592007-05-25T01:24:00.000-06:002007-05-25T01:26:09.668-06:00

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-37904360683773130022007-05-24T00:30:00.000-06:002007-05-24T12:06:51.510-06:00

I'm so bad at blogging, seriously. It's getting kind of pathetic. So I've just been looking into the screen on my laptop, begging my fingers to type something and yet they've only pounded out many typos and a few trite sentences on Stephalumpaguseses' new chacos, the fact that The New Kid was kind enough to take me 'running' yesterday, and that I bought some shorts yesterday at AE then quit my

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-8803075377310881992007-05-22T10:33:00.000-06:002007-05-22T12:02:53.801-06:00

For blogging that is--so you're going to get one of those superficial "here's what I'm doing with life" kind of posts.And AGirlWho broke up with me on facebook. I'm not bitterSATURDAY:Stephalumpagus, Satine and I went up the waterfall in Provo Canyon. Satine and I did this all the time last summer with another friend that I can't remember her blogging identity right now [man, i'm a bad friend]

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-55529812138465386372007-05-19T00:30:00.000-06:002007-05-19T00:33:46.869-06:00

I feel digusting and worthless tonight.I'm pissed at most of God's children of the female persuasion. Thank God I'm not sexually attracted to y'all.Work was miserable today/tonight. Needing to take some time off, but I can't--i need to buy a new car... damn. Today just sucked.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-6954369726122971532007-05-17T23:48:00.000-06:002007-05-18T15:56:59.018-06:00

Roommate and his fiance are listening to that horribly romantic Howie Day song, Collide.In revenge I turned on Ani DiFranco.This is my favorite Ani song ever..well maybe not ever, Superhero is up there. but this one is incredible... So to all the men who only enjoy B.Spears, Rihanna, and Celine enjoy the healthy dose of lesbian+guiar.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-25860261943880362142007-05-17T01:08:00.000-06:002007-05-17T01:44:06.139-06:00

This blog has followed my life quite closely, in what I have done, thought, and because my memory rarely fails me, i'm reminded of what I haven't written about when I read the lies that I've typed out because I was too afraid of myself to write what was really happening.Today I realized that where I am now is better than where I was a year ago--even though I am not currently temple recomment

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-42531478529216789452007-05-15T18:30:00.000-06:002007-05-15T18:31:20.276-06:00

Remember last October when the book club chose to read Twilight? [silent moment for the now dead book club] did anyone else develop a crush on Edward Cullen?I'm kind of ...er...attached.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-45488231276250981202007-05-14T12:42:00.000-06:002007-05-14T12:46:52.083-06:00

"Hey, AtP--get your swimsuit, we're going to shower together tonight!"in other news...there is a gay kid in my ward. Has anyone noticed that P-town is freaking crawling with gay people?

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-71461095302197718282007-05-12T01:04:00.000-06:002007-05-12T01:08:27.358-06:00

I type this a few days ago and put it in my secret blog, I'm working on being more honest and open. It's confusing but I think it needs to go into the world in it's undonenessTruth: I don't know how to have a healthy relationship, especially with males--it's been suggested, and it's horribly true that when the possibility of sexual relations ends I usually abandon the friendship. I don't invest

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-52091445659223643542007-05-09T19:08:00.000-06:002007-05-09T19:15:40.562-06:00

Some of you may recognize this book [sorry about the quality, the only camera i had with me was my cell camera] as Elder Nelson's The Gateway We Call death. Some of you might also recognize that the black little smudge is a dead fly--the bug his untimely death when it was lamenated between the layers of the jacket. I've never laughed so hard at work.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-67697627353975657602007-05-07T23:27:00.000-06:002007-05-08T01:00:26.819-06:00

I felt whole, and worthwhile for the first time tonight in about a month. The voices of dissent in my head calmed and I was able to, as someone said in the opening prayer to gain the perspective that I needed to make it for just a while longer.I'm sure some of you have noticed that my blog has been somewhat down lately, and have noticed that the spiritual thoughts have been almost non existent, a

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-71058817777582919912007-05-07T17:38:00.000-06:002007-05-07T17:40:28.863-06:00

It's been one year this week since I...met the first person dealing with SSA that was striving to live the gospel...came out to my parents...put my mission papers inand met brother and sister matis.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-14124081576292397022007-05-07T11:34:00.000-06:002007-05-07T12:55:17.006-06:00

Towards the end of October 2006 I was jealous. I had been communicating with several people, learning more about them and how they’ve dealt with the issue, and when I learned of past transgressions I was jealous. I wanted to be able to experience that too and be able to bounce back stronger than ever.This, as you can imagine, caused a great deal of angst. After a few conversations with good

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-10591592517129604422007-05-07T01:19:00.000-06:002007-05-07T01:28:21.532-06:00

1. The Vienna Teng concert was incredible. Thank you Original MoHomie for getting me a ticket2. church today was kind of lame, I was late...it started at 1 pm. 3. Thank you Samantha for sending me the Scripture of the day. 4. I'm still having difficulty adjusting to life in Prozac Valley5. Practice makes perfect--I'm hoping one day they'll make "Saying Offensive Yet Hilarious Things In Front of

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-74307889421377913242007-05-04T08:17:00.000-06:002007-05-04T08:19:32.227-06:00

I started laughing really hard last night at 3 AM.wonder why?I was in a car with three other gay guys, listening to Chinese pop/hip hop driving through the heart of mormondom at a ridiculous hour of the morning.You'd think I'd be used to this...guess not.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-8306322302284962592007-05-03T00:41:00.000-06:002007-05-03T10:26:27.290-06:00

"Yeah I think that I might breakLost myself again and I feel unsafe"Right now I think I'm just on autopilot. I miss life in Salt Lake, yet I know there is a reason I felt like I had to move back. I'm just confused. There is this increasing portion inside of me that is begging for a closer relationship with God, and of course the other side of me that really just wants to believe fully in the

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-87917189797753571262007-05-03T00:39:00.000-06:002007-05-03T00:41:19.184-06:00

(From Sunday morning) I’m sitting on the couch in my new apartment with my Clean and Pore Cleansing Mask on thumbing through a book, and listening to music before I get ready for church. For some reason my thoughts have been turned towards the last year of my life and the promises God has made me, the small stirrings of the Spirit that I’ve felt, and generally the love that He, the Author of

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-41331563704983272832007-05-01T11:41:00.000-06:002007-05-01T11:51:33.853-06:00

"AtP, Don't let a woman change you!"I busted up laughing, it was highly entertaining. Although I'm sure they thought I was slightly mental. and there's now a fussball table in my kitchen....again. *le sigh*PS. I'm a social freaking retard when it comes to conversing with straight guys... I need to work on that.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-36974694224978003442007-04-29T05:28:00.000-06:002007-04-29T05:29:08.822-06:00

Since By a Single Thread posted “Effing Plague,” I haven’t been able to get it out of my mind about how much pain homosexuality is causing. My family for instance: my oldest brother was gay. That was, what I believe, my family’s first experience with an openly homosexual person. I found out when I was eight, but can remember instances where my brother talked about it when I was about 6. I

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-19591009931948162922007-04-26T01:26:00.000-06:002007-04-26T01:27:59.993-06:00

Wow, what a day. It’s been horrifically long, and I’m wicked tired. I miss seeing the Salt Lake Temple every time I walked outside, I using a magnetic key card to get into my apartment; I miss By a Single Thread and his freaking adorable dog. But life moves on and I start working again tomorrow, which is barely enough time to unpack. I also see therapist tomorrow, I’m thinking his idea of taking

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-43601995175616714582007-04-24T15:20:00.000-06:002007-04-24T15:26:05.363-06:00

I don't want to move. There, I said it. Right now the only thing P-town has going for is a better job[s] and better looking mountains. Therefore I'm reluctantly packing.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23483608.post-60646330992064555912007-04-23T19:42:00.000-06:002007-04-23T19:45:00.369-06:00

I just got off the phone with Ken Gobiddles; Barbie just gave birth to Marko at 6:36 to their second child. He is 7 pounds, 3 ounces and 20.5 inches long.

AttemptingthePathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17691803785432956575noreply@blogger.com0