There's no comfort in the waiting room

Okay I'm back everyone. I decided that after Samantha left I was going to take a break from feeling for a while. It was a nice little vacation, but I'm back. It turns out when I ignore stuff I can't sleep well, which in turns makes me too tired to go to class, makes me not want to eat like I should, and then my life slowly starts to fall apart. Shucks. I used to be really good at shoving everything underneath a rug.

This is terrifying. I've always been able to ignore whatever I wanted for much longer than this. I went three years with ignoring the fact that my oldest brother who was also my best friend killed himself. I ignored the fact that I'm gay for at least a solid 8 years. I was only able to make myself not feel for 4 days. FOUR DAYS! I'm scared this is going to be much more exhausting than I previously thought.

It's time to leave the fence again, put on my brave face and do everything in my power to become who I was meant to become...but I'm so tired.

One day I'll be able to trust myself in any situation, there will be a day in my life when I won't plan my escape everytime I enter a room, I'm hoping that one day I won't over analyze everything that people say. One day I will be happy.

Soulfarce

Those obnoxious fags are at it again.

I say we vote them off the gay island. I still stand by the fact that they don't have pretty lesbians...nor are their gay men that pretty either.

**More to come later**

This made me laugh

.::.

"The important thing is this: to be willing at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become."

What are we willing to sacrifice?

A New Blog

Okay I haven't actually done this, but I'm announcing a new blog of a very close friend of mine. By a Single Thread, he is the nicest person I've ever met, has the most amazing voice--and I've heard a lot of SSA guys sing, amazing style, and since he just offered me garlic toast I'm even more impressed.

...wah?

I think I recovered from my terrible bout of word vomit that started last night around 11:24 pm.

I kept from spilling my most disturbing secret to Roz...barely, I stopped myself mid-sentence 13 times that I counted, probably more..I've never been good at that whole counting thing.

Samantha and I have had a lot of fun. woot woot...and now I'm tired.

UV Rays & Psychology 101 a post that's a little late...

With the temperatures rising, I’ve been having the desire to wear shorts, a t-shirt and my chacos, so I looked around, made a few calls and ended up a tanning place. I walked in and—bright lights and lime paint, with dance club music. To my surprise there was a guy at the front desk. At the tanning places I’ve to or seen there has always been women and practically no men. But this place was packed with guys…and only one girl. The man at the front desk welcomed me. Obvious lisp…keep in mind, “welcome” doesn’t have any S’s to lisp.

After I left the tanning place I ran back to my place, rinsed off, and headed to psychology class. As you guessed it, it was hell.
There was just a “Shhh”ing war going on, between the compulsive liar with deformed lady bits and the girl who has “issues with psychology.” Eventually the teacher got the class under control and then disaster struck.

“So…post hypnotic suggestions are like when people are playing poker… then they’re nervous so they like tick and twitch, right?”

Uhhhh, you have got to be kidding me!

Anyway, Samantha is visiting and we're having wicked fun, I'll write about our Jamba Juice adventure, shopping, etc.

.:second place victory:.

“I believe everyone has been chained to something they didn’t love.”

When I first read that, lists flipped through my mind like names on a Rolodex, the next more distressing than the previous one.

I also read in a Postsecret from last summer that confession is the first step towards innocence, so, here we go.

Stepping toward innocence…

Obviously the first thing I’m going to say is that I hate being chained to myself. I find myself yearning to not be who I am, and to have this person that I am be able to lie in the wayside so I can actually enjoy a day for once. Being tied to oneself, such a disabling concept.

I’m tied to my past that was in a co-dependent relationship. There was a time that I found myself not being able to function without someone in my life. I’m sure you are all piecing this one together, but homosexual relationships, for me, are like the flaxen cord described in the scriptures that slowly leads men to hell. At first my eyes were covered, I lost sight of my Redeemer whom only a few months earlier I earnestly testified of. That cord went around my chest, I couldn’t breathe any longer, and in desperation I threw myself in deeper thinking that would possibly solve the mess I found myself in. It is only now that I can see the light momentarily break through the cords covering my eyes, and I can now gasp for air even though it hurts so much to breathe.


I’m chained to what my new therapist will be calling a “compulsive sexual behavior,” I just call it porn and masturbation. They are nice, backstabbing friends that always come back when my life seems to fall apart. I dislike how I lean on them more than I lean on the Savior. Here I am, crying out to my own version of a god, saying “Save me! I can’t do this anymore!” and they buoy me up, numbing me temporarily but I find myself in the same situation, a few days—if not hours later. If I wasn’t chained to this form of an idol that I rely on, yet do not love, I would be happier and have some real confidence.

Also along the same lines, I’m shackled to independence. I am more obsessed with looking like I can do this by myself more than I am concerned with actually surviving. AGirlWho told me last Monday evening in passing, “You can’t pick up all the glass yourself you know,” referring to what I had posted earlier that day. I know I can’t do it, but sometimes it’s nice to pretend, right? (Here’s my action plan, start seeing Therapist—Called and waiting a returning phone call. I’m checking this one off, talk to bishop—check, waiting to hear what’s next…

What are you chained to that you don't love?

feel free to listen, feel free to stare

One of the reasons why I have been so (delete) messed up lately is all this self-loathing I’ve been experiencing. Let’s take today for example, I was feeling so much better after last night, I was almost smiling from being happy, not because it was expected of me. Then today I was driving around in my car; it was such a beautiful day and I remembered stupid things I’ve said or done over the past few years and at the end of each memory there was an instinctive, “I hate myself.” It makes me sick how much I don’t like who I am!

I’ve been buying a lot of clothes recently—not cheap items either. I’ve also been dressing up more than usual, doing my best to appear colder and walk with confidence. I keep dressing myself up--making myself look good because I can’t make myself feel any better on the inside, I can’t do anything that makes me feel like I’m a worthwhile good-looking person with the things that count.

The portions of the dorm room that are mine are spotless. I vacuumed three times today, organized and reorganized my desk twice, and then color coordinated my closet and organized the drawers: all in an attempt to convince myself that I have things put together and that I am in control. Didn't work.

I bought a new air freshener for my dorm: coconut lime verbena. Besides me being the scent police I have no idea how that fits in with me being utterly (delete) up lately.

So Confused. (So much shouting, so much laughter pt 1.5)

A few days ago, El V’s roommate invited me to a benefit he was singing at on Sunday, which was last night at a church in SLC. El V picked me up, along with two girls in their ward. After the delusional El V got the address mixed up, we arrived at the non-LDS church.

Walking into the chapel I immediately knew something was up, we sat behind a lesbian couple, too our left there were a few gay couples…then I start looking around and it became apparent there were very few straight people.

I sent a text message to someone I knew was there that said, "There are a lot of...you know whats if you catch my drift."

He replied, "I'm picking up what you're laying down."

Then the more feminine part of the lesbian couple on the bench in front of us sang beautifully in the program, as did El V’s roommate. After the intermission a nice portly man with colored in eyebrows got up and gave an overly emotional speech saying, “being here I have realized that it’s more than just GLBT people coming together, it’s about GLBT, straight people, and even Hispanics coming together to make a difference.”

(looks around)

Neglecting the obvious flaws in his statement I realized I was at a GLBT cancer fundraiser. Suddenly everything made much more sense: the man that I first thought was a woman (even in the gay world you don’t see very many pixie cuts) the young guy with eyeliner that kept checking me out, the older gay couple with matching shirts, glasses, pants, and highlighted hair.

It was quite the experience.

So much shouting, so much laughter part 1

I’ve been a complete and total mess the past week and a half. I’ve been uncontrollably hideous, desperate, lonely, and that horrible feeling of not being able to focus on anything but wanting to jump someone.

Saturday was not a lot of fun for me. I was just in pieces on the inside. I was lazy at work, and afterwards I went down to Provo for Dancesport. Not a good idea for someone who is going through one of those, “I have a crush on every boy!” phases. There were so many attractive guys…or maybe because I just wanted some. Meh. Anyway, I was all torn up about that.

Afterwards I went to see The First Kiss and we talked for a while, I felt a little better. Quoting Drop Dead Gorgeous always does that. But even after our chat I felt like curling up in a little ball and not wanting to move for a while.

…Okay I can’t finish this tonight; my roommate is reading the Book of Mormon oultoud in Korean.

.:Superhero:.

i used to be a superhero

no one could hurt me

not even myself

you are like a phone booth

i somehow stumbled into

and now look at me

i am just like everybody else

i want my old friends, i want my old face, i want my old mind f--- this time and place

I'm a jerk

In an attempt to appear straight, I let my roommate dress walk out the door dressed like a jackass. In my defense he did walk in to our room when I had just applied my Clean and Clear Pore Cleansing Mask.

He has a second date with a Romanian girl that he is completely falling for. It's quite endearing. In desperation he asked me what he should wear, I suggested a button-up shirt over his tshirt. He picked out this boring boxy cut shirt that doesn't compliment his physique at all, with some baggy, cheap jeans.

Asking if his ensemble was appropriate, I said, "looks cool," and went to get in the shower.

I feel like I could've used my gay powers for so much more, I'm a jerk.

In other news I have a sort of date with Cute EFY '04 girl--not to be confused with The First Kiss. I'm going to head out in about thirty minutes, and we have no plans whatsoever, it's going to be a glorious flop. I'll blog about it later.

PS I still feel like falling apart inside, but I look amazing. Win some lose some

The Gayest Thing Ever.

Last night El Veneno called and said his roommate was having people over and wanted to watch a movie, I was invited and I brought over a movie.

El V’s roommate, as you may or may not know, is SSA/Homo/Gay (take your pick I prefer the phrase "Prefers less conventional game," or, "Moho," but whatev.), and he just built a new house. In this new house is a rather large, sexy 62” LCD Projection TV. Most guys would reserve such an attractive television strictly for sports and the occasional action movie with a sexy starlet who has many steamy scenes with the star of the movie.

But not Mohos, we gathered around this gorgeous piece of electronic equipment, an idol to manliness, and watched MEAN GIRLS. It was hilarious. *sigh* I think the Brawny Man might strike us down.

Golly Sandra

There's a ton that I want and need to write down, but I don't know if I have the time to do it, or, when I do have the time if I'll still have the interest/need to write about these things.

Something that just came up that I want to get outside of my head is the fact that I hate driving my car. For those of you who don't know--my oldest brother (in other words, the gay one) over dosed/committed suicide just over four years ago. When he passed away I was just about 16, so my parents kept the car around and I eventually got to drive it.

His car, an old, beat-up hatch-back no longer smells like him, I've long since stopped finding drugs hidden in the car, I've had the alignment fixed from when he wrecked into something the night he passed away, and there are considerably more miles on it than when he was driving it. It's almost a different car.

Except recently everything has been reminding me of him. I hate driving my car, I keep seeing him in his casket. It isn't a pretty picture.

When he died, he was lying on his face, meaning that gravity took over and all the blood settled in his face. As you can imagine, he didn't look at all natural for the viewing.

He was blue, with a ton of make-up, he was bloated, and his neck looked weird. One of the departing gifts he gave to us was he shaved his head only a few hours before he died, which only added to him looking awkwardly disgusting for the funeral.

I keep seeeing that everytime I think of my car. I think I need to get a new one. soon. I remember his promise to me, "I want to be the best big brother I can be for you."

He only kept that promise for a year until he wound up dead. Thanks a lot.

PS, if any of you are thinking of selling a car, let me know. I need to get out of mine soon.

As I’ve been reading the coming out stories by those in the in the queerosphere, I find myself getting angry by reading their stories. I’m angry at their whining because they apparently have understanding parents who cared about them and they knew it.

I on the other hand had my mother immediately burst into tears and run away, then after my mother talked to my father she then came and told me, “Your dad won’t be able to speak with you for a while.”

After I was rejected from serving a mission, I decided to move out and go to school. My parents would come home screaming, crying, and slamming doors. I was called insensitive, bratty, stuck up, my parents claimed I would just leave the church and prostitute myself for drugs on the street corner (I heard that one three times—scenarios my oldest brother found himself in) they said that my plans to stay close to the church was just a farce, a cover-up for my true feelings of leaving the Gospel that I love.

I remember sitting in the computer room typing out blogs during the summer, I felt my life was falling apart, and then my parents would come home and rip into me. This went on until I invited my parents to the evergreen conference. That was happening for four months. FOUR MONTHS at least once a week.

So sorry if I get angry reading your stories of coming out and only finding your parents not really educated on the how’s and why’s of same-sex attraction.

College F. U.n

Well, well. It seems like the party that is The Least Prestigious Community College in the State of Utah is only increasing with unfortunately awkward moments and lameness as we progress diligently through the semester.

It started out with having the window pane next to my bed shattered a week ago by a snowball. That was hella fun, I still stand by the fact that the people who live in my building are the most obnoxious people in the world.

Then I went in to make a payment onto my account and found out that they had attempted to charge me just under $700 for insurance, late fees, and the like. I may be the only one, but I’d rather spend 700 bucks on denim and shoes than on insurance—especially when I have my own already.

When I began thinking about that, I recalled I’ve already filled out an insurance waiver—a nifty little document saying I didn’t need the schools sub par insurance FOUR EFFING TIMES.

So now, instead of studying for a test I have tomorrow I’m seething that I have to waste my time writing letters of appeal, talking to so-and-so, and explaining that the school dropped the ball on multiple occasions.

Nice Cashier Lady told me the things I needed in my little letter, such as “Explanation of how you’ll resolve this situation so that the problem or difficulty will not continue,” I’m thinking that, “Transferring to another school.” Would be a bad idea, also concerning my housing fees that should be non-existent my solution would be, “Never to live in your mold infested trashy dorms again.”

I asked Nice Cashier Lady who I deliver the bill for my time, she just stared at me. Damn.

.::.

You know that overwhelming feeling you get when you drop a glass or a plate on the ground and it shatters? That exact feeling when you feel the glass slip out of your hand and you see the shards scatter all over the floor and you feel your insides freeze and suddenly feel worthless. When that happens to me (quite often I should add, I'm not very smooth) I usually swear and then do my best to clean it up, but right now I feel like I can't do it.

I just have this inconvenient feeling that I’ll never be able to clean up all the pieces.

I don’t know what to do. I just need to get this out of me so I can function for the day.

In other news that is slightly related I’m moving back to Provo at the end of the semester in an attempt to help me put my life back together. Have a good one kids

a loving moment

I was talking with some friends tonight after watching a movie and suddenly I had a very distinct feeling

"You will be happy one day."

Moments like that give me the energy to keep going forward

I'm Kinda Tired

I didn't go to my morning class today, instead I slept in then read pop-culture news regarding B.spears (or B.Shears) stayed on top of all my RSS feeds, which is quite the challenge keeping up with GFY since it was just the Oscars.

Then I went to Film, which wasn't actually bad since we just watch a really tender movie made in the 1960's.

anywho. I'm off to go watch The Constant Gardener...again. it's amazing.

Things I like and Dislike

I like eating Costa Vida with friends
I dislike throwing Costa Vida up hours later (such a waste of $8)

I like skipping class
I dislike skipping class for the sake of emptying the contents of my stomach

I like having rock-hard abs
I dislike getting said abs from throwing up

oh, I have to officially take back most of the mean things I said about my roommate--he bought me medicine yesterday and kept checking in on me. The guy is amazing.

*sigh*

Small Rant

Okay, I was just looking around on Facebook and you know what I saw? One of my dear friends joined a Colin Firth group. This said group claimed Mr Firth to be incredibly attractive, and that he causes people to swoon!

I know I've never swooned at the sight of Colin, and I have to say he is not attractive at all. I might even say that I've made out with people of the female persuasion that I find much more attractive that Mr. Firth.

So take that you pompous brit made-for-tv celebrity. *sticks out tongue*



BLECH!

QOTD

I feel bad selecting just one quote for today, since I spent most of the day talking to Samantha (she's my favorite), then the mildly handicapped woman I work with she kept telling me, "You're just cookin' with Crisco AtP, cookin' with Crisco!"

Then I spent a lot of the night well, early morning, talking to AGirlWho, I think I may have a crush on her. Shhhh don't tell any of the fags in the Queerosphere--they'll kick me out because I'm not really gay.

but alas our QOTD comes from Stephalumpagus who reminded me of the first time we hung out at IHOP, it was back when they had the Caramel Banana French Toast thing for $4.99 (hmmm deliciousness). Well, she said, "Remember that time you winked at the waiter to get more caramel?"

It brought back a flood of memories of late night IHOP adventures with Smurf and a bunch of other people, and also displays the fact that I shamelessly use my (incredibly sexy) body to get things I want from nice gay waiters...like caramel for my french toast.

PS I think I'm buying this shirt...the mao thing...obviously



and i REALLY want to buy this one... excuse the language


and what I'm wearing to the Queerosphere reunion.

An attempt to explain life in general

The negative
I’m more alone than I ever have been this past week. The most human contact I’ve had has been with my roommate and the mildly handicapped people that I work with at Your Local Inspirational Bookstore: The Remix. It's pathetic.

My laptop has crashed three times today. It isn't supposed to do that. And that really pisses me off.

I'm a mess financially, I'm in debt up to my ears and I've had to ask my parents for money three times--something I haven't had to do since I was 15.

I'm angry all the time; at people around me, at myself. And for stupid things too, basically I'm angry at people for not being able to read my mind and realize how messed up I am. After work I made a quick stop off at a mall and went back to my dorm. I spent some time reading and tried to sleep but I couldn't because I was just so, so angry.

in addition to being angry all of the time, i'm really afraid. I hate how disabling it can be sometimes

I'm moving back to Provo the end of this semester just because I'm freaking miserable here. Yeah, I know i'm running away. Think Ani DiFranco, "I want my friends, I want my old face, I want my old mind--F--- this time and place"

The postive

I'm reading the re-released version of "All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience," that just came out a few days ago, and it's a really good book. I've learned a lot in there.

I'm getting a hair cut on Monday. I can't wait.

I'm slowly gaining more influence at work and the old women are finally starting to realize I have good ideas--so we're changing things around. i still have a list of things I want to have changed, on the top of that list I want to instigate alphabetizing our product. I know. shocking idea, isn't it?

I've been able to talk to a few people the past few days that have been amazing helps and they've helped me realize that God hasn't forgotten me, and that even though I feel like no one is there for me, I know I'm not.

i'm praying more than usual, turns out God is a great listener... and He loves me... hmmm Who knew?

I'm talking to Samantha on the phone and she just made me snort. It was awkward.

In other news...

Granola and Band-aids

hey kids

Sorry for the mess of shallow posts that seem to be overtaking my blog. There are things that I'm working through and all I can think of is writing scathing posts of Nelly Furtado fashion blunders and the fact that B.Spears shaved her head.

So until the time when I can properly sort through all this, "fleh" you'll be enjoying more posts about the shallow things in my life, such as:

Saturday night I saw an octogenarian wearing a sexually suggestive shirt that said, "How many licks does it take?". The old man sighting, which occured at the Downtown Wal-mart, was terrifying...mostly because he was wicked high and tweaking.

I don't know how many of you have been introduced to the fragrance Pink Sugar--but it's amazing. I bought some for my friend Sam back in our high school days and I almost jumped her it was that delicious. Anyway, they introduced the male equivalent, Blue Sugar. I don't know if I should get it or not; I'm leaning more towards purchasing it. Anyway, if any of you just happen to be at the University Mall in Orem, stop by the frangrance counter in Nordstroms, take a whiff, and let me know what you think.

I bought this shirt a few days ago. Although, I don't know how often I'll wear it since my arms are freakishly skinny and they rarely don't venture outside without a long sleeve shirt/jacket on.

Housing Complaints

AtP: "Hey Holly, you're in the housing department, right?"
Holly: "Yeah, what can I do for you?"
AtP: "Well, this is AtP in room 134--I already told you about the wallpaper in the bathroom that's peeling. Well there's this green stuff growing there now. Just wanted to let you know."
Holly: (Laughing)
AtP: "uhhh"
Holly: "That's disgusting! I'll put a work order in."

I hate that bathroom. I hate the mattresses, I hate the horrible lighting. The people who live around me are absolutely ridiculous. I can't wait for this semester to be finished.

It's over!

Okay kids, I know I’ve posted about Nelly Furtado already—you know that time where she inserted the dagger into my heart than walked away? Well, not literally…she just wore some pretty awful clothes to an awards show. Anyway, she twisted that dagger today and laughed--hard



Even though I still love your music, Nelly. We're finished--I'm breaking up with you.

Psych 101: The Meltdown

I know you are all just dying to hear more about the adventures of AtP in Psychology, and I hope I do not dissapoint with this weeks venture into annoyance.

We're discussing intelligence tonight, and most of the discussion wasn't as painful as usual. We were discussing environment, siblings--you know, the standard for a chapter concerning this topic, but out of the blue, the girl I blogged about recently spoke up.

"I have two cats!"

...

What the HELL does that mean?! "I have two cats!"

My words aren't working, I don't know what to say!

I'm going to tell myself that she was making some clever word play about having lesbian aunts or possibly having deformed lady parts.

Worst Friend Ever Award

Anyway, well I missed The New Kid's birthday.

here's a late happy birthday to The New Kid who is now 20!

PS I got a facebook finally, I feel like I can never catch up on the facebook-ness...

The Ascent

I have a copy of David Linn's The Ascent hanging in my dorm room to remind me constantly of the people that I have who are extending their own arms toward me, attempting to help me through life, also to remind myself of my responsibility to help those around me to become nearer to God.

SoulForce V.2.0

There are some things that really bother me, like stupid people, or those who perpetuate stereotypes, and on occasion I'd include my parents on that list as well. There are also organizations that really piss me off too, like NAMbLA (North American Man/boy Love Association) and on an equally pathetic and lame level, SoulForce.

I'm sure everyone who is gay, mormon and had an internet connection was aware of "The Equality Ride" that took place last spring. They came and attempted to open up dialogue with students and faculty. Then towards the end of their stay at BYU they held a funeral procession and then played dead in a field, each person representing someone that had committed suicide, was gay, and a member of the LDS Church. This particularly made me angry because they were horribly disrespectful to the families of those people who ended their own lives, they had no right to use their names in such a pathetic and corny way.

Anyway, even though BYU was kind and accomodating last year, Soulforce decided they were going to play the bleeding heart activists and spit in their faces. This year they won't even allow the Equality Riders on campus because they didn't play nicely last year.

So here are the reasons why I dislike Soulforce:

They come in and attempt to change...wait...what was it exactly? Where they attempting to change the LDS Church stance on homosexual activity? Or did they try to get them to change the CES Honor Code? Oh wait! I think I remember! Soulforce wanted the Church Education System to be ACCEPTING of their homosexual sex-capades!

Okay, now that we have little bit passed us, here's the thing Soulforce and also Soulforce's little gay mormon friends. There's this thing called the Honor Code. Don't know if you heard about it, but anyone attending any CES Program or school signs it. When you sign the Honor Code you say you aren't going to be doing a myriad of activities--drink, smoke, have (gasp!) hetero sex, and probably, the only thing you are focusing on, no homosexual activity.

So Let's recap! If you're attending a school owned by the LDS church you've signed a little paper saying you won't have (among other things) gay sex. If you do have (among other things) gay sex, you freaking DESERVE to get kicked out.

Okay, I'm getting bored with this topic--so I'm going to wrap this up quickly. Soulforce, you made things worse for BYU students who are SSA/Homo/Gay, you helped perpetuate the stereotypes that we've been working on getting rid of. And the worst crime against mormon gaydom you've commited: you have very ugly lesbians.

.:Superhero:.

sleepwalking through the all-nite drugstore
baptized in flourescent light
i found religion in the greeting card aisle
now i know Hallmark was right
and every pop song on the radio
is suddenly speaking to me
yeah, art may imitate life
but life imitates t.v.
'cuz you've been gone exactly two weeks
two weeks and three days
and let's just say that things look different now
different in so many ways

i used to be a superhero
no one could touch me
not even myself

A clean homosexual is a happy homosexual.

As many of you know, I moved out of the good ol’ home the first week in January into the heart of SLC ghettoness. I’ve had a lot of fun, and a hard time adjusting to attending school again. Another thing that I’ve had to adjust is living with someone.

My roommate is a great guy; he just got back off a mission to some crazy country in Asia or something. During the days I have the room to myself, and when he is here I only momentarily have to endure him chatting about girls.

As much as I like the kid (not in that way, sickos!) but I can’t stand his inability to keep things clean. In fact, he’s shedding. Every morning when I enter the shower I see a gamut of hair types. I’m sick of just having to rinse down the hair and clean out the sink in order to not throw up.

So, yesterday I couldn’t handle it anymore, I had to clean—I went to Wal-Mart and purchased some scouring pads, Clorox, window cleaner, and paper towels. I scrubbed the countertops, bathtub, and floor. Washed the mirrors, folded towels, and organized all our hygiene supplies—okay, they were all mine. My roommate only owns shampoo! While I have: my Dove Intensive Moisture Body Wash, pore cleansing mask/cleanser, black head reduction daily exfoliating scrub (just added to my routine, I’m in love) Clean and Clear Dual Action Moisturizer—an oil-free facial moisturizer), Aquage Transforming Hair Paste, and of course—my signature cologne—Swiss Army. Okay enough about me. Suffice it to say, I have enough ‘supplies’ for a gay army.

And now, after an hour or so of delightful cleaning and organizing, I feel as if I can breath in my room—almost. I’m thinking of finding a desk lap or something, since the lighting is pretty awful.

Okay, another college story I wanted to share. I usually take the stairs because the elevator situation is ridiculous. But today was different, my computer applications teacher, Sister Former Hippie, let me out early. I pressed the button for the elevator on the 7th floor, it immediately opened up, and it was empty! This has never, ever happened before—the average elevator at my school is packed with at least 10 people. It was a tender mercy of the Lord. I walked in, pressed the button with the star on it, indicating the lobby. I expected to have to stop at every floor, but it didn’t! It went straight down to the first floor! My elevator ride that usually averages 5 minutes took less than a minute!

I think God loves me

Please Kill Me.

Girl, Please!

I’m sick of you sitting in my psychology talking about crap you have no (delete) idea about. You’re a compulsive liar and you just enjoy hearing yourself talk. The only reason you took this class is so you could attempt to get the therapy you obviously need\, but I hate to break it to you, this is Psych 101. NOT your personal therapy session!

You like to make statements and people LOVE to shut you down. You then change your theory.

You also came to class today wearing a wedding ring, and talking about your husband who has “memory issues.” Yet, when you told us your life story the last THREE weeks you NEVER have mentioned him before.

So I’m sure I’m going to add you to the list of people that I despise.

but then what kind of scale

compares the weight of two beauties

the gravity of duties

or the ground speed of joy?

tell me what kind of gauge

can quantify elation?

what kind of equation

could i possibly employ?


i guess that this is the price

that we pay for the privilege

of living for even a day

"I tried to be strong, but life got in the way."

I'm procrastinating homework. So I decided to make a list of things you wouldn't really know about me. Well, you probably won't be surprised, but yeah. I'm bored...give me a break.

--I have rather slender wrists. No big surprise, I'm sure.
--I don't shop at Abercrombie. I'm more of an American Eagle type of person...although their pants don't fit me correctly,
--I have a weak spot for Caramel Ice Storm coffee drinks at the Nordstroms cafe. I crave one everytime I walked into the University Mall.
--Angst is one of my favorite words...although the misspelled form of masturbation (ie masterbation) is my least favorite word.
--I was called on the fact that I have body image issues, and it bugged me because it is true.
--I need a haircut
--I do laundry more than anyone else I know. I don't know how it's physically possible for me to wear so many clothes.
--My favorite Jamba Juice is an Orange Dream Machine. Usually after drinking one of those I want burger king.
--My first name brand pair of shoes I ever owned was a pair of Diesels, I still don't know why it took me 18.5 years for me to accept that I was gay.

--My favorite picture book is the Ghastly Crumb Tinies. It's an alphabet book, I love it! It was my brother's and one of his fag friends took it when he died. Here's an example i found online.



--I wish I had the bargain shopping abilities of my mom.
--I love candy.

Quote of the Day.

"I need to write something on my blog so people will start paying attention to me again."

--El Veneno (the loser extreme of the Queerosphere.

Oh, FJ and The Simple Baker's Son have left the QoS. They are regrettably they latest victims of Gay Mormon Survivor.

"There is power in the blood of Christ, not only to create worlds or part the Red Sea, but to still the storms of the human heart"

--Publishers preface of In Quiet Desperation.

GMS

We lost the first contestant in our Gay Mormon Survivor game.

She ended up deleting her blog.

Oh Shnap.

Who will be next to get kicked out of the island?

...

A post on the progress of, “The Move Up North” Okay, things have been a little crazy up here.

--Friday was the move-in day; my mom drove up separately to send me off. I spent most of the day buying stuff I forgot to pack, or that I didn’t know I needed. I had lunch with my mom and my cousin at a Fresh-Mex restaurant. After we had our fill of sweet-pork burritos she dropped me off and I was left to fend for myself in the dark cruel world without my mommy monster. I finished up some shopping, made my bed—and then The New Kid called—he was up visiting Salt Lake before he was dropped off at BYU. We walked around Temple Square, took some tours, and flirted with the sister missionaries (total hotties.)

Friday night I watched Saved! It’s the story set at a Christian high school, where the main character’s (Mary) boyfriend (Dean) tells her he is gay. The plot goes forward telling the tale of hypocrisy, high school life, and for me, what being a Christian is all about. After the movie I tried to sleep on one of those horrible dorm room mattresses, you know the ones: Extremely springy, yet overly firm, not to mention covered in plastic so it sounded like I was sleeping on a diaper.

I woke up earlier than expected, 9 AM. Disgusting if you ask me. I blame it mostly on the bed, I can usually sleep at least until 11 AM on days I don’t need to do anything. After trying to get back to sleep, taking a ridiculously long shower, I called my cousin and we went to the cafeteria for an early lunch. I envied the food sitting underneath the heat lamps, wishing that I, too, could be kept at a toasty 93* instead of the 30 something of Salt Lake. The choice was between a ham and cheese toast, or battered halibut. I chose to abstain from said Battered Halibut because the fish wasn’t really at 93* like the thermometer said, but was actually at a temperature that closely reflected that of the chilly outside. I had a cup of water, with some French fries instead.

Today I met with my new bishop; I don’t know how to take him yet. He seems genuine but a bit stiff and rough around the edges. He told me today that the mission isn’t the end all, and then quickly added “You must have felt uncomfortable when they were talking about their mission stories during Elders Quorum. But there are consequences to our actions.”

“I am myself. That is not enough…
My ribs show. What have I eaten?
Lies and smiles.”
Sylvia Plath—chopped and mutilated by yours truly.

PS I think I spotted a lesbian today. The first thing she told me after she saw me, "My brother said never to trust a guy who looks like they take more time to get ready than you do." Seconds after she cracked a joke about flirting with a girl.

angels and airwaves - the adventure

So long Provo. I'm out. Seeya up north.

Goals for 2007

I fall prey to peer pressure far too easy. but then again, I AM easy. *cough*

1. Gain 15 pounds. Actually make that 30. Over the last month I've lost just abot 15 pounds...not good.

2. Keep my goal friends, possibly add one more person to the "goal friend" list

3. Get B's or A's in school

4. Decrease impulse buying

5. Get out of the US for the first time in my life.

6. And go on a mission.

New Years Eve

After the church incident, and Samantha left to visit one of her friends, I wished my mother a happy birthday and started my trek to pick up El Veneno from the airport. I love the airport, mostly because I love watching people.

At first I walked into the wrong terminal and witnessed a missionary be reunited with his family. He looked so scared to be at home. I watched a young married man cart his daughter around as they waited for little girl's mom to get home. She held on tightly to her father and looked intently at all the strange faces rushing on past her.

I meandered my way over to the correct terminal, and El Veneno's flight arrived. We loaded up my car with his luggage and headed to downtown to meet up with Pinetree and Brownsugar at an 'authentic' japanese restaurant. I ordered a plate of chicken, yet only ate the rice.

With a few minutes until midnight to go, we left the Japanese place and headed downtown. Pinetree kicked the new year off well, and I, like El Veneno hope you blog about it.

On New Years day El V, Samantha Darrin, their children and I had a very enjoyable lunch, except for the fact that I asperated cocoa powder because someone made me laugh. It was disgusting.

I'm working on a post to summarize 2006, but I'm waiting until saturday to post it, since that will be my 1 year anniversary of me coming to terms with the fact that i'm SSA/Homo/Gay.

When Royalty Visits

Does everyone remember the times when I've written about Brother Expletive Delete? The posts have been numerous, scathing, and downright mean.

Yet, after Sunday, I'm not sure what to think of him.

Let's back track, and set the scene. Ten AM rolls around, and surprisingly I'm out of bed and almost conscious. I heard the obnoxious beeping of my cellphone, look down, the caller ID displays "Samantha Stevens--Cell" I eagerly answered it, wondering what was going on, since I assumed she'd be with her gracious hostess/sister at church. Apparently, there was a terrible bout of gastro-pyrotechnics with her sister's family, and Samantha needed a place to go to church and was wondering if she could visit mine.

Thinking this was a once in a lifetime chance, I accepted. She walked in with her two youngest kids and sat next to me and my parents. Our spot was much more prime than usual. Directly in front of us was The Slow Talker v1.0 with wife, Behind us was Sergeant Gospel Doctrine Teacher, and to the left--Brother Expletive Delete, legs crossed, mismatched dress socks. During the youth speaker's talk his cell phone started beeping, he popped open his briefcase, opened his cell phone and started texting people--occasionally shuffling a paper around to make it seem he was actually doing something acceptable.

After church got out I was speaking with Samantha and her kids in the foyer, Brother Expletive walked up, smiled and nodded at Samantha, then winked.

As the Most Attractive Member of the Queerosphere and the power vested in me by the Queen of the Queer, I hereby rename Brother Expletive Delete as Brother "Honey."

I've also come to the conclusion that old men shouldn't flirt with my friends.

I'm sad no one jumped on the "Gay Mormon Survivor," idea.

#137

Some things take longer to process than others. For example, having a light lunch with a friend where you are discussing the latest life choices of L. Lohan doesn't take as much energy as say, spending countless hours with the Queen of the Queerosphere laughing, and trying to pick up on every single glance, hand motion, double meanings, and that awkward looking man in the Hawaiian shirt in my peripheral vision.

I got my Christmas present, from the Queen and her ever so dedicated husband, and I must say I've never seen a Tshirt loaded with so many meanings :the obvious, the personal, and the\ disgusting innuendo.

I'm laying in my bed, not quite sure what to think or feel, which in turn is an excellent reason why I haven't typed anthing for the last five minutes.

For one, I'm not very happy with the way my blog is going, but I should be. Remember when it was all inspirational? Great quotes, and all that jazz? Now it's just me whining all the freaking time. I feel like maybe I'm being more honest with myself, yet, I'm noticing I'm not having any spiritual experiences. I need to work on that one.

Tonight we hit a topic that I'm very grateful we only spent a moment on, that is The Blunder (which is not to be confused with The Blender which is the given name of one of my Christmas presents) I realized just how terrifying of a sitaution I was really in. How grateful I am that I have a Heavenly Father who helped me get out of a mess I willingly threw myself into.

I really don't like coming up with titles

1. This is my last week of work at Your Local Inspirational Bookstore. I'm very, very excited.

2. I've come to the realization that I need to find some other coping mechanisms. I hate the ones that I'm currently using, and as soon as said method I can feel the emotions that I've put off creeping around in the back of my mind waiting to pounce on me again.

3. Ive gotten like 6 or 7 emails via myspace from "Mr. C." (Please refer to "An Open Response to an Email, November 2006,") in the last 36 hours. The first five emails were him flip flopping from chastising me for being a not-so-good person, then apologizing. Then he noticed that I forwarded them to a friend, he sent me another email asking who I forwarded them to. I asked him never to email me again, and a few minutes later I had a lengthy response which included fun things like accusing me of being a racist, a hypocrite, and judging people for not looking like Abercrombie and Fitch models.

Girl please: I'm pretty sure I'm not a racist (I mean, I would have friends who aren't white ...if there were any around Provo...) I'll own up to the hypocrite one, but if he thinks i'm bad now, he should've seen me back in high school. I was great at sluffing school to go home to look at porn and then go back to seminary and quote scripture pretending to be the perfect mormon boy. Then Mr. C. said I wasn't his friend because he isn't an A&F model. The thing is, it isn't about looks. I mean, for those of you who have actually seen me can say that I'm not attractive. I'm a gangly awkward looking kid with girly wrists who has REALLY bad posture. I'm thinking more about this topic. I'll post more later.

4. I think it'd be great to have a Gay Mormon Survivor. We can vote people out of The Family. The prize can be like a day at the salon, or a paid trip to the Evergreen Conference, which is hella fun if youre hanging out with Samantha and I.

5. Christmas was good. I took a really long nap, which is why i'm typing this at 4:15 AM.

6. I need to find something cool to do on New Years Eve.

The Oil and the Water

I've been able to think things over a little, mostly while my parents, older brother and I went about the usual Christmas Eve activities.

In the town where we burried my brother, they have a tradition where families bring illuminaries to put on the gravesites. It's usually really pretty with all this faint lights decorating graves. I didn't get to fully appreciate it this year since we were early and most of the gravesites weren't lit up yet. After we dropped a lantern at my brother's grave we drove to the crazy grandma's house.

During the drive to Crazy Grandma's house I remembered a week ago when I apologized to my mom for something that may happen in the future: Me being hospitalized in an institution of some sort. She looked at me, obviously concerned, then I walked away, went into my room, texted a few people and hid in the corner for a while. After a while I looked at the angles in my room and planned ways to better arrange the picture to lessen the focus on the window in my bedroom. I felt better after that. After I remembered that I felt better. I don't know why.

I felt a little selfish when we pulled into my grandma's driveway, so I pulled myself out of it. I walked into her house, grabbed some Ritz crackers, a bit of the cheese ball, and a cup of wassle. I placed myself against the entertainment center partially participating in the conversation. I learned that my step cousin is the cheerleading coach where The New Kid is from, and she is also getting married the same day that my little cousin is.

My family asked about how many days until I move, they asked me if I was excited. I didn't really want to talk, so I let my mom and let her tell ridiculous stories about, "not letting the door hit me on my way out"

I find myself wanting to find a boyfriend. You know that lame idealistic fantasy that I'm sure you all have, where everything will magically be all better as soon as you can cuddle with some fine piece of man? Yeah, that's been running through my head all weekend, and I hate it.

I need to find balance, I need to stop feeling like a freak for wanting to be held by a guy, I need to stop hating myself for wanting something that doesn't fit into what I really want.

*yawn*

Okay, i think something is wrong, something just isn't right. There's a lot going on inside of me that I can't figure out. I feel bad i'm a horrible friend, but other than that I can't put my finger on it...

I just want to be okay. I don't want to be messed up inside. I just want to be okay.

I've been meaning to blog about this for a few weeks now.

My favorite word to type with one hand is "average"

come on, give it a whirl...I'm sure you'll enjoy it as much as I did.

and one more for the road.

average.


Oh, and the visitor spotlight for the evening is from Snelville, Georgia. thanks for stopping by--and it IS okay if you leave a comment ;-)

Okay, seriously, i'm just in cruise control until Christmas is over. that's why there have been this really lame post, and the one prior. i'll work on that

No title today kids, sorry.

Thanks to my lovely statcounter I have found out that I am a google first pager again, and this time for "Angel Moroni TreeToppers." I hope I didn't scar anyone who stumbled onto my blog. I'm a messed up rejected missionary who is doing his best, and if you had an internet filtration device, you couldn't have even gotten here...you might want to consider that.

There was this fine piece of eye-candy who came into my store this evening. perfect faux-hawk, stubble, designer jeans, hoodie, and a blazer. It was fine until he recognized me from school, then I remembered who he was, and suddenly I felt like I was on the bottom of the totem pole. *awkward flashbacks to high school*

Oh, also, I think it's best if you pay attention to the "best if used by" dates on your cereal boxes, i got some NASTY honey bunches of oats just now.

and just because I havent posted one of these since before the EG conference

Grazed Knees

I'm really too tired to be doing this right now, but when has that stopped me?

As you can see there's a new feel to my blog, there are a few reasons behind this: I'm about to have a change in my life, i thought it appropriate, I was bored with the old look, and I'm finally getting a hang of this blogger in beta thing.

El Veneno mentioned in his comment that I've changed the title to my blog quite a bit, I left it last night as, "This dance is mine," referring to a line in Ani DiFranco's song, Jukebox, which is one of my favorites. Although, I assumed most people wouldnt catch that I decided to change it to something a little more self explanitory, hence Attemptingthepath.

I woke up today feeling numb, I slept sufficiently but I was still tired inside. I got through the day--went to my nieces gymnastics performance, which was adorable. I hate to say it, but I like her more than my other nieces and nephews. I think it's because she seems out of place in her family, much like me.

After her little performance my parents stopped by to get gas for my mom's car. The pump next to us was occupied by our next door neighbor, who happens to also be my uncle. My dad was out pumping the gas, and my uncle got out, my dad is overweight, but my uncle can't wear normal pants he's so large. I couldn't say anything to my mom except, "Are you sure you didn't sleep with someone... how can I be related to them?"

Large people scare me.

My mom quickly changed the conversation over to the fact that my grandma has abandoned shopping at Wal-Mart because they apparently push the gay-agenda. This little tidbit of information really irked me. Mostly because i have a general disdain for the woman who raised my mom. There are a lot of things about her that make me really angry, she's a manipulative life ruiner. I'll share two examples, mostly because I want to vent....wait, make that three.

1. When my brother knocked up his girlfriend, my grandmother wrote a 6 page letter with scriptural references on all the commandments they had broken, and why God was angry with them.
2. WHen i was four, she took me to an anti-abortion rally in Salt Lake. There's actually a picture of me in Time Magazine holding a sign. But 25 years earlier she did everything in her power to try to miscarry three of her children--I wish I could compartmentalize my beliefs as well as she did. To this day she justifies her attempts, saying she didn't feel like she was in the wrong. I. don't. freaking. get. it.
3. And the worst offense of all, she cannot make chocolate chip cookies for the life of her. They're dreadful. They're so bad that I think she isn't a real grandma, that she's some sort space alien, or robot.

I got home, grabbed some nasty pizza, and started talking to Samantha. She asked something along the lines of, "What is it you want?" My gut reaction was terrifying, "to not exist"

I've never let that out before. I'm scared, I'm tired, and I don't want to do this anymore. There's a lot of conflict going on inside of me right now I don't even want to think about.

I texted a friend from the Queerosphere who asked about my day, (this is an edited version, since my text messages rarely make sense. "I'm beginning to realize that I'm not as hapy as I tell myself."

Honesty, and bringing down walls. I think I'm getting better at it.

The Daily Happenings

I've been trying to be better about blogging lately, and also trying to be more honest about it as welll, so i'll get more out of it. So here goes nothing.

Saturday after work I went home, changed out of my shirt and tie, and layered to my hearts content until I felt I was sufficiently good looking. After that I was on my way to Carrot's Christmas party that she was hosting. I was wicked excited to see her again, and to just have a care free evening with some ghetto music and flirting with girls. I walked into the house and the first person I see is the last person I expected to be there.

It was that one random guy I decided to kiss because I wanted the experience. The one that I told about a month ago that I never, ever wanted to see again. Remember the only person that I regretted becoming acquainted with? yeah, that person was there.

Everything came crashing down around me.

I tried to make small talk with him, and Smurf for a minute or so. I got a drink, went back inside, attemptingting small talk again. Failing, I walked outside to grab something else to drink. I sent a desperate text to a few friends. I got really dizzy, I wanted to throw up again, i considered trying to make myself do it because I knew I'd feel better.

I don't know why I couldn't have just joined in with the awkward byu approved Ghetto dancing, or found some random girl to flirt or grind with. Or put on my customer service face and made new friends. Or handled the situation better and made him feel uncomfortable enough to leave. But I couldn't do any of the above, my mind was going too fast to make any decision on how to handle the situation

I ran for my car, almost slipping on the icy sidewalks, I tried calling a dozen different people. I then drove to SkyBluePink's apartment and we talked for a little bit. I drove around the icy backroads of Provo talking to The New Kid. I didn't know what to do. Eventually I went back to SkyBluePink's apartment and we watched aChristmas movie, it distracted me long enough until a friend from the Queerosphere texted me, we talked for over two hours, enough time for me to exhuast myself. Falling asleep wasn't an issue like it usually is when things like this happen.

I slept until 12. I missed most of sacrament meeting, went to Sunday school and was annoyed with Bro. Expletive Delete's 1970's leisure suit that he wore. I wanted to run away during the lesson, but I stayed--a small personal victory.

During Elders Quorum they told mision stories, I held onto my chair to make myself not run out of the class, but my feet were going a mile a minute bouncing around, crossing my legs, uncrossing them, stretching them out. The mission stories finally moved on to the lesson, he drew out a timeline "At 8 you get baptized, 12 the priesthood, and at 19 you go on a mission." I was freaking screaming inside. I stayed most of the lesson--but i'm still counting this one as a win.

I have a lot to think about.

My brain hurts

I've been thinking about the move, again. It's going to be a huge change, and I'm very excited about it. The move is also giving me the opportunity to redefine parts of myself, change ways that I interact with people, et cetera. I've never really had an opportunity like this before, so it's all slightly overwhelming.

--I need to decide on whether or not I put up a straight guy front, this has worked at work for the most part, yet it's frustrating when people ask who I'm currently dating While at my bookstore today, someone commented on how great my smile was, my only thought was, "If you only knew how much I am hurting right now. This is completely fake." *Cue Dashboard Confessional song, Places You Have Come to Fear the Most*

--Yet another funny work story I should tell. I wore a v-neck undershirt today, and you could tell with my dress shirt. I guess it resembled a standard "celestial smile," you know, the really obvious garment line... So I had this elderly gentleman ask me where I served my mission, I told him I haven't. He kept looking at the faux-celestial smile and then at me, then at my neck line. He was so confused! He then continued to ask if I was married, or if I've received my mision call yet. Eventually he gave up and left with his book. I thought it was hilarious.

-- With regards to shaping who I want to be while after I leave Provo, I have this urge to not meet anyone, I don't want anymore friends. I don't want to be social, I want to go to work, school, then hide. I keep thinking it'd be nice to have a very, very small group of friends. Yet, I realize that could possibly, strike that...would be my downfall.

--I kept walking around today feeling like i was about to fall apart. I made it through obviously.

Hmmmm...I think I'm ready to go to bed now...

Tales From Your Local Inspirational Bookstore Part II

Okay the past week at work as been excruciating. I only have 16 days left working there until I'll be moving out of the area, (15 days until Samantha comes to visit!!!!!!) I realize the end is coming, and I want it here faster so I can start my new life.

But the end means no more fun bookstore stories for everyone here...So I'll try to get as many good ones as possible before I leave. Skip the first one, it's lame, i just needed to vent about it.

--Last night a woman came in with an Angel Moroni Tree Topper, besides this being the most disgusting and trashy form of tree topper' available in the universe, she was in need covering up her nasty roots--it was obvious that the rug didn't match the curtains if you know what I mean. Now the Angel Moroni Tree Toppers have a hole where you can insert a branch into the tree, and it also has a base that sticks in the hole so you can display it as a statue (exponentially trashier as a statue). She came in with the base broken off, yet part of it was still in the hole where you'd put the branches, her nasty hair was frazzled, and she had a superior look on her face (girl please, get over yourself) and she demanded that I replace it. I told her we didn't have anymore (for some reason people just went ape-crazy over this kitschy bit of shiny plastic) "I'm aware you don't have any more, no one has anymore! I want you to replace it!" At that moment I realized Christmas lowers someone's IQ ateast 15 points. "Mam ( I only bust out the 'mam' when it's a particularly beasty customer) There isn't anything I can do for you" She glared at me, while the the line of customers grew behind her. I told her one moment. I went into the back, used a blowdryer to heat up the plastic and got some pliers and got out the plug, I took it out to her and she then told me I broke it and she couldn't use the base anymore. After she told me that I put it in a bag and asked for the next person to step up. I did what she freaking asked for then was mad that she couldn't display it as a statue because I broke it...even though she already FREAKING broke it before she brought it in.

--On a different note, SkyBluePink is taking over my job. I'm happy for her. I hope she is a great AtP replacement.

--I just recently noticed I haven't seen the man with ALS and MS and incontinence issues come into my store recently (All were lies--we each individually caught him in them. I blogged about him a few months ago) I guess the scurvy took over his body, or perhaps his Depends were too absorbent and they digested him. Anyway. moving on

--Okay, this one is the most awkward story I think I'll ever be able to share.

**phone rings**
ATP: "This is AtP, how may I help you this evening?"
Crazy Old Lady: "Yes? do you have Sheri Dew's phone number?"
AtP: "Ummmmm...."
COL; "I'm trying to reach Sheri Dew--Do you have her phone number?"
AtP: "No, I don't. Do you have a question?"
COL: "Is she still single?"
AtP: "yes, to the extent of my knowledge--she is still single."
COL: "Well, I'd like to have her meet somebody. I think they'd be a perfect match"
**at this point I'm at a loss for words**
COL: "Do you have the phone number to the Corporate Offices?"
AtP: "Sure, let me grab that for you..."
COL: "Is that going to be long distance?"
AtP: "Yes, it is a Salt Lake phone number."
COL: "Well, I don't like making long distance calls. Could you please call her and tell her to call me back?"
AtP: "No, I don't feel comfortable doing that, did you need anything else?"
COL: **Sounding hurt ** "No...I guess not...Are you sure there isn't any way you could do that?"
AtP: "No. Enjoy your evening."

I hung up the phone and almost threw up because I was feeling SO awkward about the situation. I then recited the story to my fellow co-workers, and a few customers who really did get a kick out of it. I felt sick the rest of the evening.

*sigh*

Okay, the past few days have allowed for a little more introspection than usual. Here's the result.

*I hate what happened about me serving a mission, if i'm ever allowed to think about it I just get absolutely livid. I got screwed over and most of the time I feel like not even trying again

*I hate myself for wanting to date a man, I hate that I want to be held by a guy, I hate that I feel like it's right even though I know it isn't.

The End.

Stay tuned for another installment of "Tales From Your Local Inspirational Bookstore"

Feeling Alive

I ended up on a miny vacation on Sunday and Monday bouncing all over salt lake valley. It was amazing.

--Sunday night it was snowing, I went on a walk and slid all around the streets, I walked down to temple square and took a picture of the temple. Walking around in the snow I felt alive for the first time in a long time.

--Ever since I was in the 9th grade I had issues with compulsively buying Diesel brand shoes. Monday the impulse struck again, I bought a pair of white kicks that I really didn't like. So I'm going to try to take them back today and exchange them for some canvas ones. Hopefully they'll take them back because I walked around in them all day yesterday...they still look new *looks around awkwardly* There was always a scary lesbian (I'm sure she was a lesbian. but i have no Les-dar so I could've been really off)

--I saw a cute lesbian couple at the Gateway. They were adorable. I almost wanted to follow them around and be their new best friend... but I have a feeling they would've been against it.

--I ate Panda Express

--I went to some random Stake's Christmas party. It was entertaining. They had a some greaser guy who is in the single's ward entertain us with honky-tonk Christmas music. Very entertaining if you ask me.

--I had Starbucks twice, but the barista didn't even acknowledge that I was there five hours earlier... I mean, I even flirted with her! Pfff...

--Trax has these little signs that say "No food or drink," and "keep feet off of seats." I proudly say that I broke both of those rules at the same time

anyway, i need to return the argyle sweater, and try to return or exchange the shoes. Then party it up at work.

Drunk Dials

it was seven months that I received my last drunk dial.

Tonight that ticker goes back to 0.

This call included sentences like this...

"I'm sooooo drunk right now"

"Here, talk to AttemptingthePath. He's hot"
"Hey AttemptingthePath...How big is your penis?"
I answered, "I'd rather not talk about that..."
"You dont want to talk about that? You're boring...You aren't hot"
The phone was then handed back to person who originally called me, "I'm so sorry AttemptingthePath...I didn't tell her you were a good person...Oh no, you're offended!!!! I'm SO sorry!!! Call me tomorrow so I know you're not offended"

Hello,

My name is Attemptingthepath. I work at an inspirational bookstore. It's currently 12:21 AM, and I just got home. I get to be back there in 6.5 hours. It's a GREAT thing that I love to sell books to middle aged women.

So I'm in charge of all the framed art in my store, I love doing that, because I have most of the wall space in my store to make it look amazing, or really crappy, depending on how busy we are and how motivated I am. Anywho, so the pictures have been attacked and I had a ton of crap I needed to do...oh, and then I need to put together a tutorial for the new store managers on framed art--I'm sensing a few more late nights at the good ol' inspirational bookstore.

Also at the bookstore where I work is a straight guy...a Stupid Straight Guy.

Tonight I was stuck with him for 4 hours--just us two. Thank you Jesus for letting me be gay, otherwise I might be as annoying as he is, I also might drench myself in Axe body spray, have really bad hair.


I also get to prepare my LAST EQ lesson, well...in this ward. My solution for a calling next semester is shock my new bishop during the getting to know you interview. I'm determined to make it work, I just hope that it doesn't work too well and I loose my ecclesiastical recommendation

Okay. I'm going to make myself write something

I have no idea what's going on right now. Well I do.

--I'm having this huge uphill battle to gain back some self-worth in a spiritual sense.
--I just wrote out a check for the biggest amount ever in my entire life, it made me dizzy.
--I was accepted in the Hill Cumorah Pageant for summer '07. I feel like I should celebrate but I don't really feel deserving of receiving the call to be in the cast.
--I read the publisher's preface in In Quiet Desperation a few days ago, and came across this little gem, "There is power in the blood of Christ. not only to create worlds and part the Red Seas but also to sill the storms of the human heart."
--Last friday I was told that I haven't began to comprehend the love that God has for me. I caught a glimpse of that at FHE on Monday night when we were all singing Christmas Songs. Sitting a row over, there was this couple who has opened their house to us, I've never felt anything but love from them. Last May was the first time I met them, they opened their door and both gave me a hug, and for the first time I felt like they were hugging all who I was. It's kind of crazy that a perfect being loves all of me.
--I'm anticipating the fresh start that I'll be able to have in about four weeks.
--I still feel really empty, right now, I feel physically weak, spiritually empty, and emotionally dead. My Customer Service face is sort of taking over my life--wait...when has it NOT been on all the time?
--20 days until Samantha, Darrin, and the kids come to visit. I can't wait. I could really use one of her magical hugs :-)
--28 days until I move.
--Oh, and I purchased an argyle sweater last night. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.

consider yourselves updated. Okay, and this is not me begging for comments, because I don't care, but have you noticed that ever since we all started chatting with eachother no one really comments anymore?

I think I'm going to miss Provo

The last week has been all over the place. Friday I hit a wall, I couldn't do it anymore without some help. I'm so grateful I could call on a friend to help me. I'm also very grateful for El V, whom I've hung out with 5 out of the last 7 days with--good times

I was driving home from FHE, I felt sorry for the passenger in the front seat, I was attempting conversation but I wasn't there... Obviously from the stupid things I kept saying--wicked sorry about that by the way, in retrospect i said some REALLY stupid things. I was being selfish and just thinking about how in a few weeks I'm leaving Provo, I'll be close, but it's never going to be the same. (insert that over quoted Garden State scene) I mean, I've had some amazing times driving around Provo with my friends.

The summer after I graduated, my parents gave me a digital camera. My two best friends, and I would go take pictures of ourselves at BYU by the new water feature by Heritage Halls, We'd go feed the ducks there. We named most of them Steven the IV.

There is this park in the Edgemont area of Provo at this elementary school that I love. It's so close to the mountains, and the stars seem so bright when compared to the stars in downtown Provo

This past summer I fell in love with Bridal Veil Falls, I was always up there. In Mid-July I thought it'd be fun to walk up the actual waterfall, instead of following the trail. Two weeks prior I found out I was officially rejected from missionary service, and I was hurting a lot. I was with my friend Amanda and we just started going up! It was amazing, When we got up there we stood by waterfall and I just felt the mist all over my body. For the first time in two weeks I actually felt something.

Then there is right now, I'm typing on my laptop listening to Christmas music in my living room with the Christmas lights on. I know I'm completely biased but I think they're the most amazing decorations ever. I'm sure I wont miss my parents, but I'll miss the safety that I feel in a few areas of my house--especially this particular room, with these particular lights.

But my second favorite Nelly Furtado songm Afraid, comes to mind right now.

You wanna spread your wings but you're not sure
Don't wanna leave your comforts
Wanna find a cure
We're afraid of who we see in the mirror
We wanna let go but it feels too pure
Who wants to be alone in this world
You look around and all you see is hurt
But the light it always guides us
If we move with a little trust

You're so afraid of what people might say
But that's okay cuz you're only human
You're so afraid of what people might say
But that's okay you'll soon get strong enough
You're so afraid of what people might say
But that's okay cuz you're only human
You're so afraid of what people might say
You're going to break
So please don't do it

Just posting the lyrics, I guess I appear to be entirely too sentimental and easily manipulated by music. But I feel that right now I'm at this point in my life where I really either need to decide on if I'm going to rise to be that person I know I can be. Or I can do what I've been doing for the past 19 years and try to get by a little longer.

The next few months are going to be the hardest of my life, I'm not prepared for them at all, but at the end of this I know I'll be closer to this person that I know I can be in every aspect of my life.

What's going on

I woke up today with that awful feeling that's been accompanying me for the past month or so. I couldn't shake it. It wasn't going away.

Over the last month I've felt completely worthless. I've been consistently tired. But I haven't been able to sleep very well, I've been numb, attempting to run away from everything.

Tonight, for the first time in such a long time I feel safe, I feel calm.

I've got a lot of work to do. But I know I can do it.

Afraid.

I'll just say that Samantha's comments were very, very timely. If we didn't talk before I hung out with The First Kiss I would've been a huge mess the ENTIRE night. Thank you.

Along the same line of things I almost threw up about four times tonight.

I really want to become this person I know I can be... but then I have all this crap that is being thrown around inside of me. I want it to go away, or atleast not having my insides being tossed around

*Le Sigh*

Me: Why am I stressed out about hanging out with The First Kiss?

Ken: You like her? Well, you ARE also on the rebound.

Me: Dang, youre right.

On a random note, yesterday there was this wicked awesome Tshirt stand, one of the shirts there had "SL, UT" on it. I think i'm going to buy it next time I'm up there...

there's also a bunch of shirts on the French Connection United Kingdom website that have the company's acronym in suggestive phrases. Good times

An Open Response to an Email

After spending most of the day up north looking at dorms, hanging out with El Veneno (and trying to set him up with a friend of mine...too bad I'm not 'so premium' at mixed orientation match making...yet:-D)

I came home and checked my email. Too many, I skimmed through them, then noticing one from a person I thought I would never see in my inbox again. it was a little unnerving to be honest. This is the person who was at FHE the first of October, he asked for my phone number and I gave him a fake one--then blogged about it. if you can't recall this post, it's the first post in October. And since this is my blog, I decided to reply on my blog instead of email--because it'd be fun, and I need to post today. I also know that this person reads my blog--So hear it goes!

There are several points I want to cover Mr. C and since it's late I'll probably miss quite a few before I lose interest and I'll just post this incomplete. Let me preface this by saying that I understand what you wrote, your email was heartfelt and I applaud you for that

1. You said I'm very lucky to have so many friends and so much support. You are right, I'm very lucky to have a vast support group of people I can call on at any time if I ever need anything. I'm very blessed to have such a group of people--and whenever I remember to pray, (consistant prayer is a weakness of mine) my mo-ho (This is a Tito Term for Mormon Homosexual, spread it like wildfire kids!) friends are at the top of the list of things I'm grateful for.

2. You also said that what I wrote about you and your friend "was really mean." and also "cutting and hurtful" My response to that is, THIS IS MY BLOG! This is my place to dump whatever I'm feeling out and not let it fester inside of me. To clue you in to what I was going through at the time you asked for my phone number let me explain the following. A few days earlier I received an email with very sexual comments in it--this person also physically resembes you, and then had people express interest in meeting me which violated every bit of anonymity I thought I had. Then you come up and ask for my phone number after metting you three minutes prior. Red flags went up, and I went into "Creep Alert Mode." I wasn't in the mood for a heart to heart and sharing feelings with someone who was scaring the crap out of me.

3. In the later part of your email you mentioned that I should be your friends with your friends And this is my reply. I've met the guys you are talking about, they're very nice and quite genuine, and I'm sure they're just down right amazing kids. But there is a point that every gay mormon reaches where they can't be friends with every single other gay mormon out there! I'm at the point now where I'm looking for friends that I actually click with on more than just the sexuality thing. I'm SO bored of the gay topic, and I feel that with them--that's all we'd have in common.

It's great to have friends with similar life experiences, but there isn't a point beating the dead gay horse any more in my life. If it happens to come up in conversation, that's fine! I'm okay with that! It does need to be talked about. But I will NOT be anyones friend JUST because we're both gay and mormon.

4. My Dead Gay Brother's Last Boyfriend (hereby known as MDGBLB) is a mutual acquaintance of ours. In fact, as soon as someone whispered it was you, I had to meet you in person because MDGBLB talked about you before. You wrote some true things about him. He doesn't believe in the church anymore. MDGBLB was there for me, he's always made sure that I was surviving. And from the mean things you've said to him (I believe "slutty cum dumpster" was one of those not so nice phrases you used--although complete hearsay, MDGBLB could have made that up) but I think you need a lesson on Christlike communication.

5. You also blamed me for ruining the experience you had at FHE. That's how you CHOSE to react about what I wrote. You could have brushed it off and said that it was the opinion of one person, yet you let it fester inside. Your fault, and never ever blame my writing for ruining something for you ever again.

Like I earlier predicted I'm bored with this topic. But the snow outside my window is pretty... i'll think I'll write about that next.

I'm going to try this one more time

There is so much going on inside me. I can't really figure any of it out.

I don't quite know how to say it, but I'm going through cuddling withdrawals. It's been about a week (give or take a few hours) and when I have some alone time, all I can think about is how nice it would be if I could just hold some one's hand. That was so hard for me to write because I never wanted to admit to myself that I ever wanted that. Anyway, suffice it to say that I'm sorta experiencing some emotional crap-ocity right now.

Even though I want to jump someone, I have this sense of peace that what I did was the right thing for me to do. I know I won't ever regret that actions that I had to take to cut off contact with a certain individual...but I do acknowledge that it's been really hard because I just want to be held.

When I need to be held I feel that God loves me and I'll make it through. When I feel like giving up, He is telling me that He has more in store for me in this life than just living a homosexual lifestyle. He loves me, and that is the only reason why I haven't jumped off the deep end.

On a completely different note, I'm handing over my title as the youngest member in the queerosphere to my very, very good friend Sully He's entirely too heady and serious, but lets not hold that against him.

Okay kids, it's no where near as long or descriptive as I wanted to be--I'm still working on it, anyway enjoy your Sunday

A little less straight

Those of you who know me personally most likely know my infatuation with GoFugYourself. Poorly dressed celebrities experiencing red carpet burn, Lindsey Lohan caught at her worst, and very unflattering pictures of Jessica Simpson. I mean--who couldn't love that.

Also most of you know that I have an unfailing crush on Nelly Furtado, her super-ballad Try from Folklore, and then Afraid from her most recent album Loose--they're pretty much in my top 25 most played in my Itunes music library--they're amazing. Not to mention she's pretty

My crush on Nelly Furtado ended at 6:52 PM after I saw this. I still can't believe it's her, but after some thorough investigation it was confirmed this is ACTUALLY Nelly furtado... She's hideous.



I didn't know it was possible, but after this, i'm a little bit more gay. I Just hope Natalie Portman doesn't turn on me or I'll be doomed For those of you who are my friends, I'll be in mourning the loss of my hetero celebrity crush until Sunday evening at this time.

Starting Fresh. Again

Last night I took the steps I felt like I needed to. It was refreshing.

I closed a door; although it was only on one person it felt like I gave up more than just that more-than-friendship-but-not-quite-a-relationship deal, it was more permanent, I feel like, for the first time I actually put everything on the alter--well everything in my life so far on the alter.

I'm preparing for my world to crash around me--so far most things seem intact. I still need to talk to a few people. I'll try to do that on Sunday.

I'm listening to Christmas music. I've never liked it before and it's weird.

I drove around in my car tonight listening to This Day & Age with the windows down, and the heater on. It felt like summer again. Lines of lyrics like "Just promise me you'll always leave the ground," and "i don't blame you for questioning why people fall in love its all the things you were taught to run from"

Oh, it's pretty much official, I'm going to go to school winter semester. I'm definitely excited.

I wish I knew what to really say, but I just don't. It's coming to me, and I'll be able to write about it eventually. but... I can't find the words right now.

A Decision Made

Peace for now... Opposition will come later

Keep it real kids. ;-)

dreams are lame

I remember in my AP psych class that when we talk about dreams we shouldn't piece it together and try to make the concious understand the subconscious

so here it goes.

I was with him again, watching a movie like I found ourselves doing time and time again. I was sitting very close to him and wanted to have him just hold me, we started holding hands again except there was no blanket to hide under like the first time we held hands... no point either, we were alone. It was in a basement. I felt this intense desire to be held by him again.

I woke up, readjusted my down comforter, switched sides. The dream still included him in it, but he played a less important role.

vague and random--it's best to stay away

There's something I've been trying to blog about for weeks, except it's still off in the ether and I haven't been able to grasp it.

choice?
regret?
God?
change?
Friendship?


A few weeks ago, I was tired. Now i'm exhausted. My solution only perpetuated my spiritual, emotional, and physical fatigue. This is reminiscent of last year at this time...


"When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago." -- Friedrich Nietzsche (Thanks for that one Samantha--i can't stand reading Nietzsche long enough to find little gems like that)

I find myself at a point where I've found myself before, when I was barely 16 I found myself in the same mess of needing to leave a situation, but always finding myself longing to be in it again. I can see the cycle, where i'm at in it, and I think I know why it's happening. Now, since I can see myself I need to act appropriately. Yet, when I've left before, I always had everything lined up...it's always been calculated, can I walk the line long enough to make a smooth transition, or does this need to be more jarring than usual?

I do think an award is in order though, along with being the youngest regular posting member in the queerosphere (and also the most attractive (HAHAHA)) I must say I deserve the "Most Vague" superlative...

I did a lot of laundry today, and vacuumed my room. Now it smells like Tide with Febreeze. I added a faith and teachings section on my bookshelves. I've been burning up the Camille CD today on my laptop...the French music has really been the perfect soundtrack for the day.

Tales From Your Local Inspirational Bookstore

The seasonal help is starting at the bookstore, there is a new girl that is so awesome... She moved to Utah about three weeks after joining a church a short time ago. Let me set the scene...

There was a family that was wrapped in hick garb. The patriarch of the family had his boots on, hat that resembled something a civil war soldier would wear, and a vest. His sons, miniature versions of him. The matriarch was the female version of him, sans hat. They were a close family, the children minded their parents and they were overall great customers.

After the family left, the new girl walked over to me, and said, "Do you know what I love about Utah? There are all these hill-billy families... They drive into 'town' and you notice the shock on their faces, almost like they've never seen civilization before.

(and the best part...)

You'd almost expect them to come here with sticks in their hair, they're so endearing!"

Hilarious...absolutely friggin' hilarious!

Things going on in my life...

I need to update.

the only thing I can think of is a realization I had...

When people say, "it's your choice," they OBVIOULSY disapprove of what you want to do. but understand youre a big kid.

it's a bright thing NOT to do it.

*yawn*

THe lesson went well--thanks for all the encouraging test messages, emails, calls--they were very much appreciated.

I spent the day with The First Kiss who is now at BYU. She came over after Church and played cards wtih my family, when I was later driving her home she said, "I miss rednecks" it made me wicked happy.

Okay, I will update....and it'll be amazing.

anyway, I'm out, time for sleep

EQ Lesson...The Remix

You think for someone who is SSA/Homo/Gay teaching a lesson on "Faitfully Enduring Trials and opposition" would be a little easier.

but I got nothin' two quotes and an idea that really won't work as much as I'd like it to

...

Don't Look Back

FOX 13 Interview

I got home a bit too late to catch the Fox 13 of "Gay, Mormon, & Married" So I logged onto their website and was SO not impressed. First of all I felt so misrepresented--The first guy telling us that the only way we can be happy is to live our lives according to our attractions. His portion of the interview was like watching that Oprah episode on lesbians who used to be married...except this guy was white, had an unsavory neck, and didn't look as put together as O-town usually does. I felt like he was telling me the only way for me to enjoy my life was to give in, give up, and leave everything I love.

Then our very own Fob came on the air--less Oprah, but I still felt so misrepresented.

Ugh, it's late, and I don't have the energy to talk about this anymore. Let's just say I thought the interview sucked, and put the church and E.G. in an unattractive light. I don't agree with everything E.G. says, but they should've been given more than 15 seconds and a bad camera angle that emphasized David Pruden's odd looking gut and neck. And then the foreboding flashing of "Coming Out Straight" and, "Resolving Homosexual Problems" yeah, that wasn't cool either.

A Few Firsts

Okay, we'll get back to our ordinary schedule of angst, David Linn pictures, and saying bad things about people in my ward soon. but.... here are a few firsts from last night

1) I let someone drive my car, it's not that I'm protective of the junker--it's that I'm too paranoid to let anyone else drive it. My car is tempermental and most people can't handle it.
2) I invited people to my house. I usually try to stay away from this place at all costs--but a bunch of people came over, met the Mommy Monster, then had some hot chocolate.
3) I watched a movie outside on my macbook, in near freezing temperatures
4) Hmmm I also slept in until church started...which is at 12:30. My sleep cycle is SO messed up right now. I'll make it a goal of mine to get to bed at a decent hour, or to stop needing large amounts of sleep.

Text Messaging Fiasco

I was at Zupas for lunch with Stephalumpagus and I started to get some very curious text messages. I finally figured out who it was-- a girl who has been a little forward with her interest in me in the past. the conversation is as follows

CGWWTDATP (Crazy Girl Who Wanted To Do AtP): Hey this is CGWWTDAtP--what's up?
AtP: Not too much... (and with severe peer pressure from Stephalumpagus, i continued the text with...) Oh, and I should tell you, I'm gay now
CGWWTDATP: Wow, the last billion guys I have liked all go gay...but I have those temptations too

Wow. Some poor innocent girl just confessed lesbianism to me via text. She then went all preachy on me. Little did she know who she was really talking about. After awhile it just got annoying and i told her to have a good day.

but it is kinda funny.

...

it's a little past 11 PM. And I can't figure out why I'm scared to be home. I guess i'm sorry to those people I keep out so late, I just don't like being here and feeling alone.

I really wish I knew what I could blog about...

SSG: The Meltdown

Well kids, the Stupid Straight Guy struck again last night, with avengence. The dialogue is as follows

SSG: Sorry I had to have you come in and help, I feel so gay.
Me: Gay as in you like guys, or gay is in you feel stupid?
SSG: Gay as in a I feel dumb, you don't say gay here in utah?
Me: Some people do, but I don't--my oldest brother was gay, now he's dead--and I loved him very much
SSG: *laughs awkwardly*

Hmph, it's been a weird few days. I need to think about this some more...