yes, that's it...you know the story, don't you?

There are volumes I cannot speak.
I just want someone to understand.

Exchange No. 10

I mentioned this in my most recent post, but right now I'm thinking a great deal on the love that God has for us. I’ve felt that I could disobey the commandments of the gospel of Christ, or I could abide peacefully in them—He’d love me no matter what. He does love me perfectly, as He does all of us.



I mentioned in my post Letting Go about how scared I am do actually distance myself from the idea of ever having a boyfriend, the idea is terrifying. Since I’ve been mulling it over I’ve come to a few conclusions.

1. This is a decision I’ll have to make every single day of my life.
2. I’ll need to focus on Christ and His gospel instead of the church.
3. I need to learn how to make and keep healthy relationships.
4. Breathe and take things one day at a time.

Am I ready? Can I really do this?

I don't have much to say right now since I'm not able to really put into words with I'm feeling accurately, but I hope this image will suffice.

This made me laugh

.:second place victory:.

“I believe everyone has been chained to something they didn’t love.”

When I first read that, lists flipped through my mind like names on a Rolodex, the next more distressing than the previous one.

I also read in a Postsecret from last summer that confession is the first step towards innocence, so, here we go.

Stepping toward innocence…

Obviously the first thing I’m going to say is that I hate being chained to myself. I find myself yearning to not be who I am, and to have this person that I am be able to lie in the wayside so I can actually enjoy a day for once. Being tied to oneself, such a disabling concept.

I’m tied to my past that was in a co-dependent relationship. There was a time that I found myself not being able to function without someone in my life. I’m sure you are all piecing this one together, but homosexual relationships, for me, are like the flaxen cord described in the scriptures that slowly leads men to hell. At first my eyes were covered, I lost sight of my Redeemer whom only a few months earlier I earnestly testified of. That cord went around my chest, I couldn’t breathe any longer, and in desperation I threw myself in deeper thinking that would possibly solve the mess I found myself in. It is only now that I can see the light momentarily break through the cords covering my eyes, and I can now gasp for air even though it hurts so much to breathe.


I’m chained to what my new therapist will be calling a “compulsive sexual behavior,” I just call it porn and masturbation. They are nice, backstabbing friends that always come back when my life seems to fall apart. I dislike how I lean on them more than I lean on the Savior. Here I am, crying out to my own version of a god, saying “Save me! I can’t do this anymore!” and they buoy me up, numbing me temporarily but I find myself in the same situation, a few days—if not hours later. If I wasn’t chained to this form of an idol that I rely on, yet do not love, I would be happier and have some real confidence.

Also along the same lines, I’m shackled to independence. I am more obsessed with looking like I can do this by myself more than I am concerned with actually surviving. AGirlWho told me last Monday evening in passing, “You can’t pick up all the glass yourself you know,” referring to what I had posted earlier that day. I know I can’t do it, but sometimes it’s nice to pretend, right? (Here’s my action plan, start seeing Therapist—Called and waiting a returning phone call. I’m checking this one off, talk to bishop—check, waiting to hear what’s next…

What are you chained to that you don't love?

The Ascent

I have a copy of David Linn's The Ascent hanging in my dorm room to remind me constantly of the people that I have who are extending their own arms toward me, attempting to help me through life, also to remind myself of my responsibility to help those around me to become nearer to God.