Moments of Growth pt one,

In November 2006 I did something very unlike me, I reached out to a friend and asked for a priesthood blessing. One of the things that was promised to me in the blessing was that as I developed a closer relationship with God, He would help me understand all of the things inside of me that were causing me conflict.

In a way I saw that happen last night.

As I knelt in prayer, He helped me put some pieces together:

About a month ago I began the journey of letting go of the idea of living a homosexual life. For the past year I used that as a crutch, I would fantasize about being with a man, either through pornography, or thinking about whoever the love of my life would be and fathering his children, imagining myself in someone’s arms. I found temporary peace in those thoughts.

As I began venturing away from those practices I did my very best to control my thoughts, and keep my mind off of the attractive males of the world. The problem was, I didn’t replace my old coping mechanism. I soon enough found a new one:

Thinking about ending my life.

Suicidal thoughts are somewhat new to me, and although they were somewhat shocking, they were surprisingly comfortable. If my world got too overwhelming I would slip into those thoughts, I found an incredible amount of comfort in imagining my life over. I was jolted quite alarmingly back into reality when Samantha and my mother spoke of my current thoughts. I was scared again. I knew I could never do that.

I was praying last night and I was made aware that I was using the suicidal thoughts the same way that I’d been using the homosexual fantasies. Ideally they both ended pain, they stopped the struggle, and they both made me feel happy in one way or the other.

Yesterday I felt the distinct impression that I need to give up the idea of using suicide as a way of solving my problems. I need to let that go just as I’ve let the idea of having a homosexual relationship go. This needs to be a decision I make every day: and to do that, I desperately need to find appropriate ways of coping.

I love the gospel of Jesus Christ, I love Him and am so grateful for those He has brought into my life to help me.

Closing Frightened Eyes

While At Work...

[written yesterday] Today while I was helping an elderly woman a young man walked up to my coworker and purchased In Quiet Desperation. I managed to say that it was a good book he was getting, nothing more. I really wanted to talk to him and let him know that he wasn't alone, give him the necessary contact information in case he needed some support, and to let him know that people are praying for him and love him. I never, ever want someone to feel as alone as I did. I can't help but feel like I failed.

Things Are Getting Better...

Last night was FHE the topic was great and the socializing was just as good. I love getting hugs from Sister Matis. More to come on that topic...maybe

Accepting the Ride
I'm still working every day on letting go of the option of a physical relationship with a man. The last few nights I've been dreaming of a few people I'm currently man-crushing [nothing dirty, you sickos] but this morning I remembered that letting go is an every day thing, it was the most liberating feeling.

The last few weeks I've been paying extra attention to what I'm feeling, tracking emotions on a daily basis. As you can probably tell there is dedfinitely a roller coaster that I'm on and I don't think I'll be able to get off of it for a while. One thing that I need to talk to Therapist about is evening out those dramatic lows. anyway...now I'm rambing.

I guess what I'm attempting to say, is that I'm willing to do the work to get me to a place where I'm not in so much pain, and I know it will be worthwhile.

Exchange No. 10

I mentioned this in my most recent post, but right now I'm thinking a great deal on the love that God has for us. I’ve felt that I could disobey the commandments of the gospel of Christ, or I could abide peacefully in them—He’d love me no matter what. He does love me perfectly, as He does all of us.



I mentioned in my post Letting Go about how scared I am do actually distance myself from the idea of ever having a boyfriend, the idea is terrifying. Since I’ve been mulling it over I’ve come to a few conclusions.

1. This is a decision I’ll have to make every single day of my life.
2. I’ll need to focus on Christ and His gospel instead of the church.
3. I need to learn how to make and keep healthy relationships.
4. Breathe and take things one day at a time.

Am I ready? Can I really do this?