Dear Loyal Reader,
Yes, I’m only addressing the one person who is reading, I’ve noticed a drastic drop in readership since I stopped posting super happy fun posts about being gay, but it’s my blog, so meh.
I’m having a very difficult time with the concept of having friends right now. It makes me feel kind of lost and slightly angry. I don’t want to go back to where I was a year ago, but I really don’t want to hurt anymore—Now I just need to decide if the possibility of pain is worth real friendship.
I did something scary yesterday, and no, it isn’t what you think.
I’m still kind of sad a lot.
I liked Samantha’s most recent post. A lot. It gave me a lot to think about
About Me
- AttemptingthePath
- I’m a twenty-nothing who is trying desperately to figure out my seemingly complicated life that includes being a SSA/Homo/Gay/Whatever Mormon that has pathetically little control over my emotions. By day, I sell priestcrafts (“Have you heard of the new John Bytheway fireside on DVD?” It’s 20% off right now) to old women, who, in fact, think I’m quite endearing and buy four of said DVD. I’m going to pretend that the inverse of the previous statement isn’t necessary because I don’t think it’s any of your business what I do by night. I’ve been described as “adorable, yet offensive,” (OriginalMohomie, 2007) and “Immature.” (Master FOB, numerous occasions) I am still in love with Natalie Portman, hooded-sweatshirts, and quoting movies. And just like my last “about me”, this one is going to peter out at the end. Just … like … now.
14 comments:
You're great! I would never want to lose you as a friend because you have helped me out so much. If there is anything that I can do, just let me know.
there is more than one my friend.
real friendship is always worth the pain, else humanity would be a collection of hermits.
You have other readers... loyal and devoted ones... even if they don't always comment or maintain an active presence in your life... although I've always wanted to...
Faithful readers, such as myself, are devotedly behind the scenes, faithfully praying that you are loved and are well...
I read every time you post.
so I don't know if you remember me but yeah the reason I kind of dropped off reading your blog was because of the "super happy fun posts about being gay" I guess I'm weird but whatever, I went back and read some of your recent posts and I can relate better maybe that was it, I couldn't relate to the happy fun posts? anyway I'll shut up but trust me I feel your pain...
Hey ATP...have you told your friends how you are feeling in a direct conversation, rather than through your blog? I love your blog too, but from my point of view it seems you reach out A LOT in your blog and NOT so much in person. As sensitive as us MOHO's are, sometimes we can still be oblivious to other people's needs and feelings, because while we CAN be sensitive, sometimes we also tend to be SELF INVOLVED. At least that has been my experience.
As far as readership...are you teasing? Hard to tell when I read and there isn't any non-verbal communication going on...but I would say that if you are truly worried about readership then again...you are putting more into your blog than into your friends. Reach out to people that you can touch and feel...not fake names and possibly identities through a cold object like a computer.
Now...I hope you know that I care about you a lot, and that is the only reason for my being a bit curt. Skirting around how I feel may not help you. Don't worry...I will follow this up w/a phone call. But, thought you might need to read it and process it first.
It isn't that I don't like your more recent posts, I just have been very busy lately. I am praying for you.
Add my name to the list of reads-almost-every-post-but-doesn't-often-comment. Also, you're freaking amazing, and I hope we can stay friends for a long time.
If you can learn one thing from my life, learn this: It's not really possible to make it through life alone. As much as I'd like it to be so--because that seems very safe--there is an intense need for others. Don't wait until you're old, like me, to explore the possibility of emotional intimacy in friendships. You have the opportunity to learn and grow and be whole by the time you have as many years as I do, and in doing so to cultivate lifelong friends who will be with you so much longer than mine will--simply because you figured things out earlier in life than I did.
It takes courage--you have more than your fair share of that.
It takes self-control--you're learning how to gain that.
It takes an element of risk--you like that.
It takes a return of love from you--which you give naturally.
It takes patience--yeah, we all need something to work on, this is yours. :)
It takes forgiveness--which is easy to give when you love someone and want to continue to have that person in your life.
There is vulnerability and a loss of complete control in deep friendships that last. There is also incredible joy, trust, and security when you realize your friend cares about you as much as you care about him/her.
I love you, AtP. You know I'm not going anywhere. There are others who feel the same way about you and will stay with you, as well. Let them?
You're beautiful, my friend. inside and out.
I read just about everything you write...even if I don't comment very often.
Still very interested in your life and journey.
Last month my posts dropped off in number (because of my rotation, mainly), and then we moved and I was without internet access for over a week, and when I logged back in...
it was as if nobody had even missed me. :-(
But, I stopped and realized that my friends are still my friends even though life goes on when I'm not around. I wish I had been able to be around with all the recent moho meetings in Utah, but you know me. Secret and distant. ;-)
hey, you know I think you're great and I would drop anything to help you out. Please let me know if I can! I love you!...a lot
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