Thursday, May 31, 2007

Second Star to the Right

What have I been doing lately? Working, procrastinating doing laundry, I haven't done dishes in a really long time but engaged roommate #1 is wicked nice and does them for me. I owe him. I've also been hanging out with The Girl Whose Blogging Name is Yet to be Determined who seems to have settled on Michelle in her last comment on my blog, her best friend, and The New Kid the past few nights.

Tuesday Night while Tito and the Original MoHomie went to a movie that they didn't invite us to [no, i'm not bitter.], we went to a park swung on some swings, watched Michelle's friend spin around on a bar, then we climbed a tree. I haven't climbed a tree in so long, and I think it was actually The New Kid's first time doing it. I do have one minor battle would, er...scratch from the tree climbing excursion. [Sidenote: I don't get hurt. It's weird, I think it's maybe that I never, ever do anything that'd cause pain but I have never broken a bone either. hmph, moving on]

Wednesday night we watched a movie at Michelle's house, and I totally got some cuddling action from her.

anyway, i need to do laundry wicked bad, clean my bedroom, figure out if I'm buying a certain old, trashy car that doesn't fit my personality at all, and make some cinnamon rolls.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Exchange No. 10

I mentioned this in my most recent post, but right now I'm thinking a great deal on the love that God has for us. I’ve felt that I could disobey the commandments of the gospel of Christ, or I could abide peacefully in them—He’d love me no matter what. He does love me perfectly, as He does all of us.

I mentioned in my post Letting Go about how scared I am do actually distance myself from the idea of ever having a boyfriend, the idea is terrifying. Since I’ve been mulling it over I’ve come to a few conclusions.

1. This is a decision I’ll have to make every single day of my life.
2. I’ll need to focus on Christ and His gospel instead of the church.
3. I need to learn how to make and keep healthy relationships.
4. Breathe and take things one day at a time.

Am I ready? Can I really do this?

Monday, May 28, 2007

Letting go

Is it possible? For the last year and a half I've been sitting on the fence feigning commitment to Him and keeping the option to date men open in case that whole "Jesus" thing doesn't work out. The pain of indecision is seeming to be more than the pain of actually letting go, so I must be getting close to be getting to that point

I've had some incredible spiritual experiences the last few weeks. Not because I've seen angels, or conversed with God face to face, but because I've felt that Christ is real, has a special interest in me and those that I love. I've felt that the Atonement can cover what I've done and He can heal the pain that I've felt.

So, what is the process of letting go of even the possibility of dating a man? How can I make a decision like that permanent?

More will come later...
Although the weekend ended a day early for me, it was incredible. Exactly what I needed.

More to come, if I feel like writing about it.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Put Sufjan Stevens on...

I'm so bad at blogging, seriously. It's getting kind of pathetic.

So I've just been looking into the screen on my laptop, begging my fingers to type something and yet they've only pounded out many typos and a few trite sentences on Stephalumpaguseses' new chacos, the fact that The New Kid was kind enough to take me 'running' yesterday, and that I bought some shorts yesterday at AE then quit my second job. I also tried to type out that I learned how to drive a stick shift and The New Girl whose blogging name is yet to be determined was the first person to have to drive in it with me. I killed it attempting a U-turn when I dropped her off. So it wasn't that bad. . .

but alas, I'm bad at blogging.

One day soon I'll post something worthwhile

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

I'm not in the mood...

For blogging that is--so you're going to get one of those superficial "here's what I'm doing with life" kind of posts.

And AGirlWho broke up with me on facebook. I'm not bitter


Stephalumpagus, Satine and I went up the waterfall in Provo Canyon. Satine and I did this all the time last summer with another friend that I can't remember her blogging identity right now [man, i'm a bad friend] poor stephalumpagus only wore flip flops which was a really bad idea on her part...although i didn't explain we'd actually be ascending the waterfall, not just climbing the trail.

afterwards we met up with the Drex crowd and I watched a bunch of gay man, and their token straight girl play frisbee, it was freaking hilarious.

By a Single Thread called me, I ditched the party and went to dinner with him. Chili's. I drank too much Dr Pepper and couldn't finish my food, it was delicious though. Sitting on the other side of the partition was a girl I went to high school with on a date with a woman. I wanted to say something but she doesn't remember me--I decided against saying hi and mentioning how I was connected to the family that's disowned her.

Chili's was packed with good looking guys so after we were finished we decided to get out, and we went to walk around Rock Canyon Park and saw some random date group ice blocking, it looked ridiculously reckless and horribly entertaining.

By a Signle Thread left and I headed up to the Original Mohomie's place, we ate ice cream, and looked at baby pictures.


I slept in and read, didn't go to church. I also learned how to drive a stick shift.


The New Kid and I went to SLC, got some Costa Vida and met a bunch of [old] people within the Family History Library. Then we drove back to Provo through Park City [do you know how many freaking times it took me to type 'Park City' correctly?] It was beautiful yesterday the clouds were going over the mountains, the sun breaking through the clouds in a freaking amazing sunset. So I called Satine again and with The New Kid we went up to the waterfall, except we used the trail since it was kind of cold yesterday. It was amazing up there, it's one of my favorite places in Prozac valley.

In Other News...

I finished New Moon, the sequel to Twilight and I'm anxiously awaiting the third book to come out in August.

I'm reading The Bell Jar again, which is one of my favorite books.

I'm also out of shampoo and my Aquage Transforming Hair Paste

Yesterday I got the Pineapple Mango wallflower from bath and Body works. I am really loving citrus right now.

okay. I'm done. Time to ...get out of bed. Gee, I'm pathetic.

Saturday, May 19, 2007


I feel digusting and worthless tonight.

I'm pissed at most of God's children of the female persuasion. Thank God I'm not sexually attracted to y'all.

Work was miserable today/tonight.

Needing to take some time off, but I can't--i need to buy a new car...

damn. Today just sucked.

Thursday, May 17, 2007


Roommate and his fiance are listening to that horribly romantic Howie Day song, Collide.

In revenge I turned on Ani DiFranco.

This is my favorite Ani song ever..well maybe not ever, Superhero is up there. but this one is incredible... So to all the men who only enjoy B.Spears, Rihanna, and Celine enjoy the healthy dose of lesbian+guiar.

The Journey

This blog has followed my life quite closely, in what I have done, thought, and because my memory rarely fails me, i'm reminded of what I haven't written about when I read the lies that I've typed out because I was too afraid of myself to write what was really happening.

Today I realized that where I am now is better than where I was a year ago--even though I am not currently temple recomment worthy, even though the longings I feel are more intense than ever, I am in a better place.

It seems that everyone who starts on the path of reconciling their beliefs with incongruous feelings have stages they pass through... I know I don't have the stages documented fully or correctly but from what I've experienced.

1. Wo is me. I'm gay. and mormon. wo. (ages 12 to...ummmm first part of January '06)

2. YAY! I'm gay AND Mormon! How AWESOME is THAT?! Ps, you need to read In Quiet Desperation...One day I'll meet Ty--How crazy will that be?! PS...if Ty Mansfield ever stumbles accross this blog...can meet or something? I'm your biggest fan, and I heard you were wicked cute.

3. What the hell! I'm actually gay? ...dang that sucks. Apparently with being gay you are sort of attracted not just people of the male persuasion, but people you know of the male persuasion like your friends. Suddenly I found myself wanting to do things I swore I'd never do to people that I'd spoken of very spiritual things with, yet wanting to rip their clothes off... *sigh*

4. Depression , daily routine, negative coping techniques, and apostate thoughts...Throw in getting a boyfriend [on some level] then find out that physical relationships are really satisfying...for about 2.37 seconds.

5. We're at stage five now. I can't figure this one out, it seems mixed in with all of them now. The lines are more blurred than ever. Take last night for example: I was in bed, feeling extremely anxious and just wishing someone would crawl in with me and hold me until I fell asleep. It was nearly 5 AM when I closed my eyes for a few short hours. But the entire time I was craving that touch I knew that I would better in the morning. It was a strangely beautiful moment sitting in my bed and fully acknowledging both sides, knowing the consequences of both options.

I'm somewhere at the beginning of the 5th stage, not having been there I don't know what else has to happen to get to the point where I'm able to handle it all much more easily. I know there will be backtracking, reworking things, especially getting the pornography use under control [control meaning elimination not just regulation ;-)] and becoming physically healthy.

Okay, that's enough for this morning, I am kinda crazy busy so I need to finish this, sorry I'm not even reading through this so it will make much less sense than usual... car is almost dead, it lost it's ability to reverse, I think I might finally be getting a new car in a month or so...


Tuesday, May 15, 2007


Remember last October when the book club chose to read Twilight? [silent moment for the now dead book club] did anyone else develop a crush on Edward Cullen?

I'm kind of

Monday, May 14, 2007

Funny things roommates say pt 2

"Hey, AtP--get your swimsuit, we're going to shower together tonight!"

in other news...there is a gay kid in my ward. Has anyone noticed that P-town is freaking crawling with gay people?

Saturday, May 12, 2007


I type this a few days ago and put it in my secret blog, I'm working on being more honest and open. It's confusing but I think it needs to go into the world in it's undoneness

Truth: I don't know how to have a healthy relationship, especially with males--it's been suggested, and it's horribly true that when the possibility of sexual relations ends I usually abandon the friendship. I don't invest anything in them, even if that possibility is completely subconscious.

I did something horribly emotionally manipulative last night.

Realizations: I felt, for the first time last night that being a friend of mine was completely dangerous, and that people shouldn't get near me because I'm contaminated and will ruin their lives. I really hate feeling like this because only two days ago I was feeling like a real human being. It's pathetic.

Samantha sent me an email on Sunday and it's resonating more than ever.

'"And now the year of my redeemed is come; and they shall mention the loving kindness of their Lord, and all that he has bestowed upon them according to his goodness, and according to his loving kindness, forever and ever.

In all their afflictions he was afflicted. And the angel of his presence saved them; and in his love, and in his pity, he redeemed them, and bore them, and carried them all the days of old." D&C 133:52-53

There are days when I really wish Christ would come. Not because I'm ready or prepared, because I don't think that day will ever come--but because it would be nice, sometimes to be with the one who knows all that I've done, felt any pain that I've felt, and who knows my heart--and loves me anyway."

One day Christ will be here and I'll know what it's like to have someone love me unconditionally, i won't be a threat to Him, and I won't hurt him because I'm me, I can't harm him because I just don't know how to have a healthy friendship. that day will be beautiful.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Your Local Inspirational Bookstore: Back In Action

Some of you may recognize this book [sorry about the quality, the only camera i had with me was my cell camera] as Elder Nelson's The Gateway We Call death.

Some of you might also recognize that the black little smudge is a dead fly--the bug his untimely death when it was lamenated between the layers of the jacket.

I've never laughed so hard at work.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Feeling Whole.

I felt whole, and worthwhile for the first time tonight in about a month. The voices of dissent in my head calmed and I was able to, as someone said in the opening prayer to gain the perspective that I needed to make it for just a while longer.

I'm sure some of you have noticed that my blog has been somewhat down lately, and have noticed that the spiritual thoughts have been almost non existent, a direct reflection of what was going on inside of me. And I'm sure for those of you who are close to me could tell that the light of the gospel hasn't burned as bright inside of me as it used to...because I could feel it dimming and the hopelessness set in.

After therapy I came back to my apartment, got in the shower and just stood there... after a few moments I said, "I don't want to do this anymore." That was only the latest cry in the series of, "Why am I doing this to myself, please tell me this is true, if this is true why aren't more people holding on more firmly?"

"Hang on for tonight, and go to FHE."

Reasonable enough, right? I've been holding on almost 20 years [can anyone tell I look forward to turning 20?] I could surely do it for one more night.

It seemed that the speaker at tonight's FHE/Fireside knew what I needed to hear. Everything I've been working through was addressed in the most appropriate way. From issues regarding the truthfulness to the gospel, to trials and challenges in general, and from a question asked by my mom peace about the death of my brother.

Brother Millet stressed the point that, as Elder Holland said, "The most significant sign of your progress on this journey is not so much your location on the path at the moment, but rather the direction in which you are moving."

He also brought up a point that I need to think more about, he mentioned that as we become more like our Savior and learn to love more like He does, our suffering will increase.

Anyway, I received answers tonight and the strength to place one foot in front of the other for a few moments longer. I'm going to be able to fall asleep tonight in peace and with full knowledge that the storm can and most likely will start up again while I'm sleeping, but for now I feel safe, whole, and worthy to be called a son of God

one year

It's been one year this week since I...

met the first person dealing with SSA that was striving to live the gospel

...came out to my parents

...put my mission papers in

and met brother and sister matis.

Having Options

Towards the end of October 2006 I was jealous. I had been communicating with several people, learning more about them and how they’ve dealt with the issue, and when I learned of past transgressions I was jealous. I wanted to be able to experience that too and be able to bounce back stronger than ever.

This, as you can imagine, caused a great deal of angst.

After a few conversations with good friends, some time on my knees I got an answer I didn’t think I’d ever get from my Father in Heaven, “AtP, [yes, God often calls me by my blogging acronym] you can do whatever you wish to do. This is YOUR choice: not Samantha’s, or Tito’s, or anyone else’s. It is only yours. Just know that if you choose to leave the gospel I can’t bless you as much as I want.

Has anyone else wet their pants because they just got a scary answer from God? A whole world was open to me. I had options! I could choose how many blessings I would receive in this life. I was responsible for the happiness I’d have in this life and more so in the next…that’s freaking scary!

Since then I’ve sat in this awful fence-sitting predicament. I’m hoping it ends soon.

I like lists

1. The Vienna Teng concert was incredible. Thank you Original MoHomie for getting me a ticket

2. church today was kind of lame, I was started at 1 pm.

3. Thank you Samantha for sending me the Scripture of the day.

4. I'm still having difficulty adjusting to life in Prozac Valley

5. Practice makes perfect--I'm hoping one day they'll make "Saying Offensive Yet Hilarious Things In Front of BYU Students" an olympic sport.

6. I want to really blog tomorrow, and I'm hoping it will brain hasn't been cooperating lately

7. The CES fireside was a lot of fun.

8. I cuddled with Stephalumpagus while watching Finding Neverland. I like cuddling.

9. I miss living near By a Single Thread and El V. I also miss the Taj Ma- By-A-Single-Thread. It sort of sucks.

10. I thought my roommate was cute until I saw him shirtless...he has manboobs.

Friday, May 04, 2007


I started laughing really hard last night at 3 AM.

wonder why?

I was in a car with three other gay guys, listening to Chinese pop/hip hop driving through the heart of mormondom at a ridiculous hour of the morning.

You'd think I'd be used to this...guess not.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

..: :..

"Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe"

Right now I think I'm just on autopilot. I miss life in Salt Lake, yet I know there is a reason I felt like I had to move back. I'm just confused.

There is this increasing portion inside of me that is begging for a closer relationship with God, and of course the other side of me that really just wants to believe fully in the absence of deity. Ha, if the old women who buy books from me only knew the dichotomy going inside of the person raving about how inspirational that particular title they're buying is. Can anyone say fraud?

I guess I can say I'm trying, right?

There's a lot to do this summer, and it's terrifying...

But here's this amazing quote that has been floating around the queerosphere as of late...

"Hang on, hope on, try on. ... Get through the night; get to the light. ... I believe in that light, and I believe in that hope, and I believe in that peace."

I once was a draft, but now I'm published pt1

(From Sunday morning) I’m sitting on the couch in my new apartment with my Clean and Pore Cleansing Mask on thumbing through a book, and listening to music before I get ready for church. For some reason my thoughts have been turned towards the last year of my life and the promises God has made me, the small stirrings of the Spirit that I’ve felt, and generally the love that He, the Author of Our Salvation, has for us.

I remember when I finally believed I was worthy of the love of God.

I remember when I was sitting in the baptistery of the Salt Lake Temple my thoughts had been turned to Him and the plan of salvation when I felt the very distinct impression, “This is so much more rewarding than being with a man.”

One month later I had my first gay kiss—there is my problem, I don’t trust the person I know who has the power to save me. Now I’m to a point where I know how [physically] rewarding a homosexual relationship can be, and I’m having a hard time leaving the middle ground that, albeit painful, is ever so comfortable and feels safe.

Another moment happened a few months ago when I was at By a Single Thread’s house visiting. I was looking around and felt yet another impression that I’ve previously blogged about, “AtP, one day you will be happy.”

The moments of complete and total peace like those I’ve mentioned above haven’t been as frequent as I would like, but I can’t deny that they have been there and they have divine origin.

(Typed tonight)

I have all of these thoughts and ridiculously general feelings that I was attempting to communicate with this partially written post and I can’t get it out, I can’t get my mind around what I’m trying to say—so frustrating. So I’m going to publish this post, and try to sleep.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Funny Things Roommates Say:

"AtP, Don't let a woman change you!"

I busted up laughing, it was highly entertaining. Although I'm sure they thought I was slightly mental.

and there's now a fussball table in my kitchen....again. *le sigh*

PS. I'm a social freaking retard when it comes to conversing with straight guys... I need to work on that.