Saturday, May 12, 2007


I type this a few days ago and put it in my secret blog, I'm working on being more honest and open. It's confusing but I think it needs to go into the world in it's undoneness

Truth: I don't know how to have a healthy relationship, especially with males--it's been suggested, and it's horribly true that when the possibility of sexual relations ends I usually abandon the friendship. I don't invest anything in them, even if that possibility is completely subconscious.

I did something horribly emotionally manipulative last night.

Realizations: I felt, for the first time last night that being a friend of mine was completely dangerous, and that people shouldn't get near me because I'm contaminated and will ruin their lives. I really hate feeling like this because only two days ago I was feeling like a real human being. It's pathetic.

Samantha sent me an email on Sunday and it's resonating more than ever.

'"And now the year of my redeemed is come; and they shall mention the loving kindness of their Lord, and all that he has bestowed upon them according to his goodness, and according to his loving kindness, forever and ever.

In all their afflictions he was afflicted. And the angel of his presence saved them; and in his love, and in his pity, he redeemed them, and bore them, and carried them all the days of old." D&C 133:52-53

There are days when I really wish Christ would come. Not because I'm ready or prepared, because I don't think that day will ever come--but because it would be nice, sometimes to be with the one who knows all that I've done, felt any pain that I've felt, and who knows my heart--and loves me anyway."

One day Christ will be here and I'll know what it's like to have someone love me unconditionally, i won't be a threat to Him, and I won't hurt him because I'm me, I can't harm him because I just don't know how to have a healthy friendship. that day will be beautiful.


Anonymous said...

You want Christ to come? but He is already here, on earth, around us. He isn't reigning over the earth yet like He will during the millennium, but He is here already.

Samantha said...

My Friend--keep trying, don't give up, I love you always.

-L- said...

The really self-incriminating honest posts are the most poignant. I've felt the same way, feeling Christ is the only one who could really know everything about me and love and forgive me anyway. But, I've been pretty amazed at the good people out there too. They keep popping up and amazing me all the time. I'm not the best at building enduring friendships with them, so that's a problem, but it's nice to know that they're there and that I have the chance to work at it anyway.

Straight+Narrow said...

I'm usually the opposite. When I sense I'm interested in a guy or that he is interested in me (even if only for friendship), I immediately pull away.

Hmmm, no wonder most of my friends are girls.

I've had the contaminated feeling before...and often. In fact, I'm only recently learning that people might actually need me and their lives aren't worse off because they're friends with me. It's amazing how obvious that sounds in print and how un-obvious it is to realize.