Thursday, May 03, 2007

I once was a draft, but now I'm published pt1

(From Sunday morning) I’m sitting on the couch in my new apartment with my Clean and Pore Cleansing Mask on thumbing through a book, and listening to music before I get ready for church. For some reason my thoughts have been turned towards the last year of my life and the promises God has made me, the small stirrings of the Spirit that I’ve felt, and generally the love that He, the Author of Our Salvation, has for us.

I remember when I finally believed I was worthy of the love of God.

I remember when I was sitting in the baptistery of the Salt Lake Temple my thoughts had been turned to Him and the plan of salvation when I felt the very distinct impression, “This is so much more rewarding than being with a man.”

One month later I had my first gay kiss—there is my problem, I don’t trust the person I know who has the power to save me. Now I’m to a point where I know how [physically] rewarding a homosexual relationship can be, and I’m having a hard time leaving the middle ground that, albeit painful, is ever so comfortable and feels safe.

Another moment happened a few months ago when I was at By a Single Thread’s house visiting. I was looking around and felt yet another impression that I’ve previously blogged about, “AtP, one day you will be happy.”

The moments of complete and total peace like those I’ve mentioned above haven’t been as frequent as I would like, but I can’t deny that they have been there and they have divine origin.

(Typed tonight)

I have all of these thoughts and ridiculously general feelings that I was attempting to communicate with this partially written post and I can’t get it out, I can’t get my mind around what I’m trying to say—so frustrating. So I’m going to publish this post, and try to sleep.


Original Mohomie said...

Thanks for sharing, amigo. I can identify with much of what you said. I mean, pretty much everything besides the Pore Cleaning Mask. Is that how you stay so baby soft?

Your thoughts interest me, so I'll be watching for the coherent exposition.

Gimple said...

AtP, since you have had these impressions, what have you done with your life? Have you tried to keep these impressions in your mind or have let them slip by?

I have had similar experiences as you have had. I am also pre-mish. I've learned to try to keep these feelings and impressions close to my heart when I am down with life. One day, we will all be happy with the decisions we make and not regret any that we made. God has given SSA for some reason. We are supposed to go through all of these trials (whether we fail or not) and I believe that if we learn what we are supposed to from it, we will be happy. God wants us to be happy because he loves us!

el veneno said...

Hey. thanks for introducing me to Vienna Teng. She's been serenading me all night.
This post makes me really happy. Those moments when we feel God's love and acceptance are amazing. Those experiences are what gives us power and motivation to live a higher life. In the tough moments, our connection to God keeps us from slipping entirely off the middle ground. I hope those moments of complete and total peace come even more frequently for you.