I felt whole, and worthwhile for the first time tonight in about a month. The voices of dissent in my head calmed and I was able to, as someone said in the opening prayer to gain the perspective that I needed to make it for just a while longer.
I'm sure some of you have noticed that my blog has been somewhat down lately, and have noticed that the spiritual thoughts have been almost non existent, a direct reflection of what was going on inside of me. And I'm sure for those of you who are close to me could tell that the light of the gospel hasn't burned as bright inside of me as it used to...because I could feel it dimming and the hopelessness set in.
After therapy I came back to my apartment, got in the shower and just stood there... after a few moments I said, "I don't want to do this anymore." That was only the latest cry in the series of, "Why am I doing this to myself, please tell me this is true, if this is true why aren't more people holding on more firmly?"
"Hang on for tonight, and go to FHE."
Reasonable enough, right? I've been holding on almost 20 years [can anyone tell I look forward to turning 20?] I could surely do it for one more night.
It seemed that the speaker at tonight's FHE/Fireside knew what I needed to hear. Everything I've been working through was addressed in the most appropriate way. From issues regarding the truthfulness to the gospel, to trials and challenges in general, and from a question asked by my mom peace about the death of my brother.
Brother Millet stressed the point that, as Elder Holland said, "The most significant sign of your progress on this journey is not so much your location on the path at the moment, but rather the direction in which you are moving."
He also brought up a point that I need to think more about, he mentioned that as we become more like our Savior and learn to love more like He does, our suffering will increase.
Anyway, I received answers tonight and the strength to place one foot in front of the other for a few moments longer. I'm going to be able to fall asleep tonight in peace and with full knowledge that the storm can and most likely will start up again while I'm sleeping, but for now I feel safe, whole, and worthy to be called a son of God