Monday, May 07, 2007

Feeling Whole.

I felt whole, and worthwhile for the first time tonight in about a month. The voices of dissent in my head calmed and I was able to, as someone said in the opening prayer to gain the perspective that I needed to make it for just a while longer.

I'm sure some of you have noticed that my blog has been somewhat down lately, and have noticed that the spiritual thoughts have been almost non existent, a direct reflection of what was going on inside of me. And I'm sure for those of you who are close to me could tell that the light of the gospel hasn't burned as bright inside of me as it used to...because I could feel it dimming and the hopelessness set in.

After therapy I came back to my apartment, got in the shower and just stood there... after a few moments I said, "I don't want to do this anymore." That was only the latest cry in the series of, "Why am I doing this to myself, please tell me this is true, if this is true why aren't more people holding on more firmly?"

"Hang on for tonight, and go to FHE."

Reasonable enough, right? I've been holding on almost 20 years [can anyone tell I look forward to turning 20?] I could surely do it for one more night.

It seemed that the speaker at tonight's FHE/Fireside knew what I needed to hear. Everything I've been working through was addressed in the most appropriate way. From issues regarding the truthfulness to the gospel, to trials and challenges in general, and from a question asked by my mom peace about the death of my brother.

Brother Millet stressed the point that, as Elder Holland said, "The most significant sign of your progress on this journey is not so much your location on the path at the moment, but rather the direction in which you are moving."

He also brought up a point that I need to think more about, he mentioned that as we become more like our Savior and learn to love more like He does, our suffering will increase.

Anyway, I received answers tonight and the strength to place one foot in front of the other for a few moments longer. I'm going to be able to fall asleep tonight in peace and with full knowledge that the storm can and most likely will start up again while I'm sleeping, but for now I feel safe, whole, and worthy to be called a son of God


Beck said...

Sleep well, thou good and faithful son of God!

drex said...

I felt like Brother Millet addressed many things that many people needed to hear last night, and it was so nice to see you and not see that lurking pain behind your eyes. It's amazing what some fresh perspective on the gospel can do to buoy one's spirits - the understanding of true principles can sometimes be so liberating.

Tito said...

One of the things he said last night--and I've heard him say before--that was really meaningful to me was about what he wished he'd known when he was younger. As he then talked about how he was actually glad, in a wierd way, that he didn't understand the atonement as well when he was younger, because it made his later "revelation" all the more liberating, that resonated with me.

As the scriptures teach, we cannot know joy unless we know pain and suffering. Elder Maxwell said that pain and suffering carves out the place in our soul that maintains our capacity for joy (or something to that effect). While I still have a difficult times at times, it's nothing of the nature that I used to struggle--that I used to hurt and long for... something. Because of that difficult time, I feel like the spiritual experiences I had that liberated me and broadened my perspective were all the more poingnant and life-changing.

The hardest piece of that is that when your in a fog, the end could be just a few feet away, but you'd never know it because you can't past your own nose. It can feel hopeless and neverending. I know that feeling. But the fog does end... only to return, possibly, when we have more lessons of faith to learn. In the meantime, however, we can cherish those moments of peace and perspective.

...loved your post, AtP. Great to see you last night. Glad you had a good experience...

epadavito said...

that is awesome.

Loyalist (with defects) said...

I am so happy for you my friend. I am glad you have found that wonderful person that is you. hang on to it.

Abelard Enigma said...

AtP, sometimes I just want to gather you up in my arms and give you a big bear hug. You are an amazing person. We all realize that, and I'm glad that you are starting to realize that as well.

Julie said...

Woohoo! The gospel is true. Make yourself a good day (or night, as the case may be). I'm so happy for you!