Thursday, May 17, 2007

The Journey

This blog has followed my life quite closely, in what I have done, thought, and because my memory rarely fails me, i'm reminded of what I haven't written about when I read the lies that I've typed out because I was too afraid of myself to write what was really happening.

Today I realized that where I am now is better than where I was a year ago--even though I am not currently temple recomment worthy, even though the longings I feel are more intense than ever, I am in a better place.

It seems that everyone who starts on the path of reconciling their beliefs with incongruous feelings have stages they pass through... I know I don't have the stages documented fully or correctly but from what I've experienced.

1. Wo is me. I'm gay. and mormon. wo. (ages 12 to...ummmm first part of January '06)

2. YAY! I'm gay AND Mormon! How AWESOME is THAT?! Ps, you need to read In Quiet Desperation...One day I'll meet Ty--How crazy will that be?! PS...if Ty Mansfield ever stumbles accross this blog...can meet or something? I'm your biggest fan, and I heard you were wicked cute.

3. What the hell! I'm actually gay? ...dang that sucks. Apparently with being gay you are sort of attracted not just people of the male persuasion, but people you know of the male persuasion like your friends. Suddenly I found myself wanting to do things I swore I'd never do to people that I'd spoken of very spiritual things with, yet wanting to rip their clothes off... *sigh*

4. Depression , daily routine, negative coping techniques, and apostate thoughts...Throw in getting a boyfriend [on some level] then find out that physical relationships are really satisfying...for about 2.37 seconds.

5. We're at stage five now. I can't figure this one out, it seems mixed in with all of them now. The lines are more blurred than ever. Take last night for example: I was in bed, feeling extremely anxious and just wishing someone would crawl in with me and hold me until I fell asleep. It was nearly 5 AM when I closed my eyes for a few short hours. But the entire time I was craving that touch I knew that I would better in the morning. It was a strangely beautiful moment sitting in my bed and fully acknowledging both sides, knowing the consequences of both options.

I'm somewhere at the beginning of the 5th stage, not having been there I don't know what else has to happen to get to the point where I'm able to handle it all much more easily. I know there will be backtracking, reworking things, especially getting the pornography use under control [control meaning elimination not just regulation ;-)] and becoming physically healthy.

Okay, that's enough for this morning, I am kinda crazy busy so I need to finish this, sorry I'm not even reading through this so it will make much less sense than usual... car is almost dead, it lost it's ability to reverse, I think I might finally be getting a new car in a month or so...



salad said...

AtP, I love you! *hugs*

Gimple said...

Don't worry, I have definitely been where you have been! I've just recently decided that I am for sure going on a mission next summer. Are you still working on going? If so, it would be cool if we went about the same time or went to the same mission. That would be fun! I hope I'll get to see you this Saturday!

P.S. We have all felt the feeling of wanting someone to crawl in bed with us...

Sean said...

I was hoping someone would write out steps of progression in working out/dealing with/ going through with/ this whole gay thing.

it may not be scientific but they seem to be about right.

sorry to hear of your car. just watch out for airport parking garages. :-) take care my friend.

ps. i've finally gotten around to reading IQD. it is truly a insightful book.

Stephalumpagus said...

Um I bought Heath bits the other day, in anticipation of someday making those cookies...

I'm just saying.

Kengo Biddles said...

It sounds like you're just a-growin' and a-changin'! Keep the chin-up, and make your way forward.

Original Mohomie said...

Hey AtP, I really liked this post. Honest. Acknowledging. Progressive. Insightful.

I think it gets easier over time; it has for me. I've gone a long time without those hellish moments where I feel so trapped and torn that I want to go to sleep and never wake up in this life OR the next. Maybe they'll come again, but for now they're in the past.

Yes the purely sexual stuff is fleeting, but how many mohos out there have considered that there can be simple affection without sexuality? Is it foreign to most, the concept that there's nothing evil about wanting to be held or holding someone you genuinely care for, without going anywhere sexual or even "romantic"? Has our culture really killed all possibility of genuine affection between men by sexualizing it into oblivion? I mean, obviously being naked in bed is hard to justify as "healthy touch" *wink*, but we could all use a little human affection at times, no?

Sorry to nitpick your thoughts; I just hope your desire to be held wasn't causing you any undue discomfort...unless the desire included whipped cream.

And what's this about Ty Mansfield being cute? I've heard that, too. Where do people come up with these rumors?

Kengo Biddles said...

O-mo, I do have to say, I've heard that rumor, too. But don't worry, they're usually completely wrong.

el veneno said...

Awesome post ATP. I can completely relate to the feeling you had in bed, fighting such strong emotions but relying on the confidence that it will be better in the morning. I feel like I've gone through the same stages as you too. Seems like a long and complicated way to do things but I guess the important thing is that each step is taking you to a better place. Let me know when you figure out the rest of stage 5 and 6.

Dimitri said...

I've only read just this entry, and I feel for you. As I read your "steps," I could see those parts of my life. Especially certain parts of 3.

I feel like I'm advertising or something but, I participated in a student documentary on this general subject. I haven't seen the final cut. But, I'm confident that it has turned out well:

It IS a myspace thing, but I promise you it's not a scantily clad bot or ad.