This blog has followed my life quite closely, in what I have done, thought, and because my memory rarely fails me, i'm reminded of what I haven't written about when I read the lies that I've typed out because I was too afraid of myself to write what was really happening.
Today I realized that where I am now is better than where I was a year ago--even though I am not currently temple recomment worthy, even though the longings I feel are more intense than ever, I am in a better place.
It seems that everyone who starts on the path of reconciling their beliefs with incongruous feelings have stages they pass through... I know I don't have the stages documented fully or correctly but from what I've experienced.
1. Wo is me. I'm gay. and mormon. wo. (ages 12 to...ummmm first part of January '06)
2. YAY! I'm gay AND Mormon! How AWESOME is THAT?! Ps, you need to read In Quiet Desperation...One day I'll meet Ty--How crazy will that be?! PS...if Ty Mansfield ever stumbles accross this blog...can we...like meet or something? I'm your biggest fan, and I heard you were wicked cute.
3. What the hell! I'm actually gay? ...dang that sucks. Apparently with being gay you are sort of attracted not just people of the male persuasion, but people you know of the male persuasion like your friends. Suddenly I found myself wanting to do things I swore I'd never do to people that I'd spoken of very spiritual things with, yet wanting to rip their clothes off... *sigh*
4. Depression , daily routine, negative coping techniques, and apostate thoughts...Throw in getting a boyfriend [on some level] then find out that physical relationships are really satisfying...for about 2.37 seconds.
5. We're at stage five now. I can't figure this one out, it seems mixed in with all of them now. The lines are more blurred than ever. Take last night for example: I was in bed, feeling extremely anxious and just wishing someone would crawl in with me and hold me until I fell asleep. It was nearly 5 AM when I closed my eyes for a few short hours. But the entire time I was craving that touch I knew that I would better in the morning. It was a strangely beautiful moment sitting in my bed and fully acknowledging both sides, knowing the consequences of both options.
I'm somewhere at the beginning of the 5th stage, not having been there I don't know what else has to happen to get to the point where I'm able to handle it all much more easily. I know there will be backtracking, reworking things, especially getting the pornography use under control [control meaning elimination not just regulation ;-)] and becoming physically healthy.
Okay, that's enough for this morning, I am kinda crazy busy so I need to finish this, sorry I'm not even reading through this so it will make much less sense than usual...
PS...my car is almost dead, it lost it's ability to reverse, I think I might finally be getting a new car in a month or so...