Saturday, May 03, 2008

new blog

We Own The Sky

there is barely anything there, but soon there will be.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

*waves hello*

I called in sick today to Your Local Inspirational Bookstore. I had a fever when I woke up and an obnoxious cold I've been dealing with moved into my chest making me cough up nasty stuff all day.


Well, I wanted to check in and write about how normal I feel right now. A year ago I was hardly able to eat, I reached out to people in desperation--I was miserable. Even though I may not be bouncing off the walls happy all the time. I feel more consistently happy with where I am now and who I am.

My relationship with my parents still has some rough patches, but I talk to my mom nearly every single day. They know I care for them and they also know I want our relationship to continue to get better.

When I came out, I could only view myself as someone who is gay and mormon. Now I am ME. I am grateful for the opportunity to feel comfortable in my own skin, also for the fact that being gay isn't something that is incredibly overwhelming.

I also want to write about a certain someone I've gone on a few dates with recently, but I figure things are too early to introduce someone as a character on my blog, and I don't want to make a fool of myself by writing stupid gushy gross things.

I guess there's not much else to say except just reiterating the fact that even though I am not always smiling, I feel happy, I feel normal, I feel like I am myself.

Monday, March 31, 2008

So, whoever was the anonymous comments on my blog the last two days, would you please email me @ attemptingthepath(at)gmail(dot)com I would love have a private discussion on the matter, and since your commented anonymously, I have no other option than say something like this on my blog.


Tuesday, March 18, 2008

The heart breaks and breaks and lives by breaking. It is necessary to go dark and deeper dark and not to turn.

--Stanley Kunitz

Just sort of down tonight. Things are going so well, sometimes life is just lame.

Monday, March 03, 2008

I am obsessed...

with Tegan and Sara, my old best friend Suzie and her friend Meg, staying up late and smiling. Today sucked, but ended well. I went to wal-mart in American Fork and bought some candy, new razor blades, and a new toothbrush.

I'm also obsessed with asofterworld comics. they bring me such joy. ...

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

5 years

Today marks the 5th anniversary of the death of my oldest brother
Today marks the 4th anniversary of my grandfather passing away, it's also been 4 years since I lost the hearing in one of my ears.

I know it's late and I shouldn't be thinking but I feel robbed. There are also a few people I want to say, "fuck you" to, well... I guess that'd be repetitive since I already did that earlier today.

In other news, I'm making more friends, my therapist is pleased with that. Bad news is that I'm already sabotaging some of those friendships. Well... you win some, lose some I guess.

Monday, February 11, 2008

I love Samantha Stevens... For the first time in a while I felt like I really laughed while talking with her tonight. It was quite refreshing.

that is all.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Monday, January 21, 2008

Did all my best to smile...

In five days it will be my brother, Ben’s, birthday again. He died almost five years ago, one month exactly after his 27th birthday. I’ve written about this relentlessly: the condition in which we found his body, the drug use that led to his death, his wonderfully supportive boyfriend, and how much I love and miss him.

The day after he passed away, we went through his cell’s phonebook and told his friends. My mother called one of his best friend’s from high school. I remember her and my brother hanging out when I was young, they even took me to Chuck-E-Cheese once. I barely remembered anything else about her except that she won a few local beauty pageants with her vocal talents. When my mom told her that he had passed away, she asked if she could sing a song at his funeral. My brother, when he was in high school, tried to kill himself, and had told her that he wanted her to sing a song from Cocteau Twins’ album This Mortal Coil called Song to the Siren.

Ben burned me an essential 80’s music CD and that song was on there. I had loved it for a few years previous, and now it signified his death. After his funeral, in an attempt to stay connected to him, I printed the lyrics out and put them in my locker at school. I’ve sort of forgotten about the song until a few months ago and I couldn’t remember the title of it.

Anyway, I finally remembered the title of the song, found the lyrics and found a video on youtube. I guess I just wanted to share it with everyone. The video kind of sucks, but there isn’t much out there from the early 80’s.

Long afloat on shipless oceans
I did all my best to smile
'Til your singing eyes and fingers
Drew me loving to your isle

And you sang, 'Sail to me, sail to me, let me enfold you.
Here I am, here I am, waiting to hold you.'

Did I dream, you dreamt about me?
Were you hare when I was fox?
Now my foolish boat is leaning
Broken lovelorn on your rocks

For you sing, 'Touch me not, touch me not, come back tomorrow:
O my heart, O my heart shies from the sorrow.'

Well, I'm as puzzled as the newborn child
I'm as riddled as the tide:
Should I stand amid the breakers?
Or should I lie with death my bride?

Hear me sing, 'Swim to me, swim to me, let me enfold you:
Here I am, here I am waiting to hold you.'

Sunday, January 20, 2008

oh what a week

It's been a crazy week. So many things are changing, a few things are going against me, but most aren't. I have incredible, supportive friends that I know love me. Samantha, my roommates (they tolerate my messiness and crazier-than-a-shit-house-rat demeanor far too well) My parents care for me [I'm believing this for the first time since I came out to them]

People I work with sensed that things were up and were willing to give me a hug, old friends have come out of the woodwork and wanted to hang out. I went to lunch with Stephalumpagus yesterday and I had so much fun. I was actually smiling I loved it.

I have made a few friends at school. There is the most beautiful girl in my religion class and we help each other survive that class so far.

anyway, i'm about 45 minutes late for church, I just felt the need to post some things that I've been feeling the last few days.

so... thanks... :)

Monday, January 07, 2008

no where else to turn

I have been having troubles eating lately. Usually I can just force myself to eat some healthier foods, but today I had a can of Dr. Pepper, a half slice of bread with vinegar, and about 1 cup of a protein shake that my roommate made (thank you, by the way) I can't do it anymore. There used to be people I could be with and I would want to eat. That hasn't happened lately. Relationships are causing me such extraordinary stress right now I don't know how to handle it.

I'm just...

I don't want to do this anymore.