Saturday, July 07, 2007

Some clarification, please. pt 1

The thread of comments on my last post is now the reason why I won’t hastily write a vague post ever again.

I, like most of you , have counters on your blog so you can tell how many pageloads there are. Over the last few months my average daily page loads have dropped about 40 per day, I can tell when people come to my blog, and for those of you who commented thank you.

Moving on…

I’ve been thinking a lot about my past experiences with meaningful relationships:

From 6th-10th grade there was Suzie. She was one of only two people I told that my brother died. That night I couldn’t stay in my house, so I was in a nearby town staying with my aunt. That’s where she lived, we walked around outside (mind you it was February and very very cold) for almost two hours. Towards the end of our conversation she stopped and told me she’d never, ever stop being my friend. A few months later she distanced herself from me. I was hurting; I had nowhere to go turn. My life continued to fall apart as my brother just older than I was in and out of jail, in different rehab programs. I was alone. My brother left and now Susie left me too. This was when I decided I wouldn’t let anyone near me again.

I had several close friends, they would confide in me everything. This was how I preferred it, I always had the upper hand in the relationship, and I was emotionally detached and had a plethora of dirt I could use on them if they ever chose to pull a Susie.

This is a pattern I continued for the next three and a half years until somebody called me on it.

To be continued (but only if I feel like it)

4 comments:

Gimple said...

I hope that you know that you can always trust me and confide in me. You have been there for me and I will be there for you! You're great!

isakson said...

I would love to hear the rest of your experience if you feel like sharing it. You're a good guy ATP. It was good to see you last week. Love ya man.

loyal reader said...

it's summer time. I'm not watching much tv, and spending a significantly less amount of time online. instead of looking at your blog daily, I look at it about weekly, but still read every post. I care about you and your life, though I have never commented before.

you are a good kid. I hope you can have some close, rewarding friendships. it appears to me that you have a lot more opportunities than myself, or anyone I know, to have those kinds of friendships. there are a lot of people who seem like they are dying to really get into the inner circle of your life and deep emotions. people like to feel they are needed, and crave these special friendships. it could be very helpful to you and them, given you have similar struggles, and will continue to the rest of your life. I think these people are more aware and more mature than susie was at the time. you are very loved, and I think the risk factors are much lower now. good luck.

Torchwood said...

Just thought I'd say thanks, which may be a weird way to start. But though I'm not glad you're going through what you are, it's sometimes nice to know I'm not alone. I feel like that enough of the time already. Anyways before I start rambling, thanks again.