Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Moments of Growth pt one,

In November 2006 I did something very unlike me, I reached out to a friend and asked for a priesthood blessing. One of the things that was promised to me in the blessing was that as I developed a closer relationship with God, He would help me understand all of the things inside of me that were causing me conflict.

In a way I saw that happen last night.

As I knelt in prayer, He helped me put some pieces together:

About a month ago I began the journey of letting go of the idea of living a homosexual life. For the past year I used that as a crutch, I would fantasize about being with a man, either through pornography, or thinking about whoever the love of my life would be and fathering his children, imagining myself in someone’s arms. I found temporary peace in those thoughts.

As I began venturing away from those practices I did my very best to control my thoughts, and keep my mind off of the attractive males of the world. The problem was, I didn’t replace my old coping mechanism. I soon enough found a new one:

Thinking about ending my life.

Suicidal thoughts are somewhat new to me, and although they were somewhat shocking, they were surprisingly comfortable. If my world got too overwhelming I would slip into those thoughts, I found an incredible amount of comfort in imagining my life over. I was jolted quite alarmingly back into reality when Samantha and my mother spoke of my current thoughts. I was scared again. I knew I could never do that.

I was praying last night and I was made aware that I was using the suicidal thoughts the same way that I’d been using the homosexual fantasies. Ideally they both ended pain, they stopped the struggle, and they both made me feel happy in one way or the other.

Yesterday I felt the distinct impression that I need to give up the idea of using suicide as a way of solving my problems. I need to let that go just as I’ve let the idea of having a homosexual relationship go. This needs to be a decision I make every day: and to do that, I desperately need to find appropriate ways of coping.

I love the gospel of Jesus Christ, I love Him and am so grateful for those He has brought into my life to help me.


Max Power said...

You're a good man, Charlie Brown. :)

Abelard Enigma said...

Whenever I see one of my MoHO friends talking of suicide it makes me want to cry. I feel your pain because I too have had to deal with suicidal thoughts. You absolutely must give up the idea of using suicide as a way of solving your problems. But, to do that, you must be willing to accept whatever help is available, in whatever form.

I assume you are on some sort of antidepressants. Perhaps you need to try something different. I went through 6 different antidepressants before we found one that really worked for me. I strongly recommend that you see a psychiatrist for management of psychotropic medication rather than a general practitioner.

epadavito said...

its one day at a time, and loving who you are for that day.

Gimple said...

I'm always here for you and I hope that you always remember that. You have helped me out so much these past couple of days and I want to be there for you. I leave me phone on all the time. Give me a call or text whenever you need me and I'll come running!

You are a truly remarkable person and if you were to commit suicide, I don't know what I would do. I would lose one of my best friends and I don't know if I can handle that happening again.

Please seek whatever help that you need. I'm here for you...

Chris said...

Very insightful post! I think when we let go of "false crutches," the Lord is willing to help us more. That's when our growth and understanding seem to increase.

Josh said...

This might just be my sad way that I deal with being in denial, but whenever I'm imagining a romantic relationship or having suicidal thoughts, I quickly try to think of all the ways that I can serve people, and then go do one or two of them. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. But it hardly ever hurts. Maybe this can be your new crutch?

Anonymous said...

Happy Independence Day. You're a peach :)

Stephalumpagus said...

I love and miss you.

Chaco tan yet? :)

thenewkid said...

ATP, it's been way to long, I love you. We need to chat soon :)