In November 2006 I did something very unlike me, I reached out to a friend and asked for a priesthood blessing. One of the things that was promised to me in the blessing was that as I developed a closer relationship with God, He would help me understand all of the things inside of me that were causing me conflict.
In a way I saw that happen last night.
As I knelt in prayer, He helped me put some pieces together:
About a month ago I began the journey of letting go of the idea of living a homosexual life. For the past year I used that as a crutch, I would fantasize about being with a man, either through pornography, or thinking about whoever the love of my life would be and fathering his children, imagining myself in someone’s arms. I found temporary peace in those thoughts.
As I began venturing away from those practices I did my very best to control my thoughts, and keep my mind off of the attractive males of the world. The problem was, I didn’t replace my old coping mechanism. I soon enough found a new one:
Thinking about ending my life.
Suicidal thoughts are somewhat new to me, and although they were somewhat shocking, they were surprisingly comfortable. If my world got too overwhelming I would slip into those thoughts, I found an incredible amount of comfort in imagining my life over. I was jolted quite alarmingly back into reality when Samantha and my mother spoke of my current thoughts. I was scared again. I knew I could never do that.
I was praying last night and I was made aware that I was using the suicidal thoughts the same way that I’d been using the homosexual fantasies. Ideally they both ended pain, they stopped the struggle, and they both made me feel happy in one way or the other.
Yesterday I felt the distinct impression that I need to give up the idea of using suicide as a way of solving my problems. I need to let that go just as I’ve let the idea of having a homosexual relationship go. This needs to be a decision I make every day: and to do that, I desperately need to find appropriate ways of coping.
I love the gospel of Jesus Christ, I love Him and am so grateful for those He has brought into my life to help me.