everything is going well, I'm making choices--things are moving at a great pace. Then at Deseret Book the store manager asks me if I want to be a supervisor for the store.

WTF?

I started the application to the LDS Business College, everything should be turned in next friday. I told my parents and they had a VERY hard time when I mentioned "moving to salt lake"

My parents have come a long way with being able to handle this challenge in my life, but they have so many hang ups to overcome--mostly caused from my oldest brother. My oldest brother (who passed away over three years ago) lived a crazy life full of drugs, alchohol, the SLC club scene, prostitution, and severe depression. He met the most amazing man two years before he died, he was a huge support and helped my brother get his life on track. Near the end of his life he relapsed into drug use and shortly after he passed away.

Ben wasn't kind to my parents at all, he really rubbed it in their faces that he was gay, on many occasions he would call my mom in the middle of the night, begging for more money for drugs. When she would turn him down (with love) he would start yelling and screaming, mentioning the fact that he was prostituting himself for money.

With all of these negative memories associated with homosexuality and SLC they are having a very difficult time realizing that I am very, very different from my oldest brother, and that I have a desire to live my life in accordance to the standards that I feel are right for me. They still can't understand that.

Hmmm, I guess everything will work itself out. This is a learning experience for them, and I need to be patient with them.

I feel like I should update...but I really don't have anything new to say. I've had a hard time lately, I've really wanted to just go crazy and find someone to make out with.

Hmmm I should get used to the thought that me making out with someone won't happen unless I am suddenly attracted to a girl or I get really drunk. and I'm assuming neither won't be happening any time soon.

Seriously considering going to the LDS business college.

any thoughts?

Todays Elder's Quorum lesson

"Nurturing Marriage"

One more reason why I should go to a singles ward. I really need to move out.

I just got another job at the good ol' DB...

Deseret Book that is! The interview was weird, well since it wasn't an interview, I was basically offered the job as soon as I sat in the chair--apparently no men can work during the priesthood session on conference weekend! how crazy is that?

I'm excited

Okay, I know Postsecret is a little well passe. But I really liked this one. Maybe I should try harder... Anyway, I've been trying for months of one I could send in about my struggle with same sex attraction

I can't wait for the day when I find myself fully converted to His Gospel. Although the only thing keeping me from obtaining that, is myself.

I have a LOT of work to do.

Come to think of it, I'm grateful for the oppurtunity to stay off the mission for a little bit. I need to really recommit myself to the Church and strive to live valiantly everyday.

PS you should rent Everything is Illuminate that movie was AMAZING

The birthday was great! Well, I came down with a cold, so it was as amazing as it could have been. On a brighter note, I'm ordering a Macbook today :-D.

tomorrow is the beginning of everyone asking me why I'm not on my mission--I turn 19.

For those struggling with SSA there are a lot of times when our feelings are pulling us in two very opposite directions...right now is one of those times.

Two years ago I attended Especially For Youth at the BYU provo campus. Like everyone there I had developed a CoW (crush of the week)--she was amazing, beautiful, talented, smart, an activist, absolutely perfect. We've always stayed in touch via email, our blogs, the occasional phone call, and whenever she came to Utah we'd go get lunch or something. Recently we've beem communicating more--I've been realizing more and more that I could marry someone like her. Flashes of walking out of the temple, etc fly through my mind.

Then comes the direct opposite--I see a man jogging outside my window with no shirt, other images flash through that aren't nearly as pure or idealistic--both seem right, both seem natural and I'm at a loss, in order to get my mind off of it I go and fold laundry.

anyway, i don't know why i'm writing this, it's ridiculous. I know I won't be getting married in this life. and I'm okay with that. I just really don't like how I occasionally feel like i'm going to be shredded in two.

Thinking about this, I remember when I first realized I struggled with SSA and accepted it. I knew that I could remain an active member of the church in good standing and still have this struggle, at that moment everything seemed aligned. I guess I need to make sure that I keep my thoughts in control (not suppressed) and then make sure to have that connection with Christ, because He does know what I'm going through--he's felt the pain, the hurt, those conflicting emotions. and most of all He loves me.

Let's play a game...it's called "Find AtP an apartment"

any suggestions for byu approved housing?

rev 7: 13-17
And one of the elders answered, saying unto me, What are these which are arrayed in white robes? And whence came they?

And I said unto him, Sir, thou knowest. And he said to me, these are they which came out of great tribulation, and have washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the Lamb.

Therefore are they before the throne of God, and serve him day and night in his temple; and he that sitteth on the throne shall dwell among them.

They shall hunger no more, neither thirst any more; neither shall the sun light on them, nor any heat.

For the Lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of waters; and God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes.

I found out that I'm going to have to stick around for a while.