Friday, July 28, 2006

I started the application to the LDS Business College, everything should be turned in next friday. I told my parents and they had a VERY hard time when I mentioned "moving to salt lake"

My parents have come a long way with being able to handle this challenge in my life, but they have so many hang ups to overcome--mostly caused from my oldest brother. My oldest brother (who passed away over three years ago) lived a crazy life full of drugs, alchohol, the SLC club scene, prostitution, and severe depression. He met the most amazing man two years before he died, he was a huge support and helped my brother get his life on track. Near the end of his life he relapsed into drug use and shortly after he passed away.

Ben wasn't kind to my parents at all, he really rubbed it in their faces that he was gay, on many occasions he would call my mom in the middle of the night, begging for more money for drugs. When she would turn him down (with love) he would start yelling and screaming, mentioning the fact that he was prostituting himself for money.

With all of these negative memories associated with homosexuality and SLC they are having a very difficult time realizing that I am very, very different from my oldest brother, and that I have a desire to live my life in accordance to the standards that I feel are right for me. They still can't understand that.

Hmmm, I guess everything will work itself out. This is a learning experience for them, and I need to be patient with them.


gilmore guy said...

Dude that's tough. I can only imagine how hard it must be for them and for you.

Only recently, during a family reunion in which we were looking at old family slides, did I realize that it's possible that my parents may be comparing me and my situation to my aunt's first husband (a gay man who ended up leaving his wife and daughters after about 6 years of marriage). He had little contect with his family over the years, and when we learned that he died a few years back, everyone just assumed it was of AIDS.

The family rarely ever speaks about him, and when they do, no one has anything nice to say. It was then that I wondered whether my parents worry that I might somehow end up like him.

I guess that's one advantage of not telling your family, or at least not telling them until you have lived away from home for several years. When I did tell them about my situation, they had already grown to trust me as an adult who was committed to living the gospel. I imagine this helps lower their worrying.

Then again, they are parents. I think all parents like to worry. It's some kind of sick pasttime that they enjoy.

Samantha said...

It's true--we parents thrive on that worry thing... :)

The REAL truth is that parents love their kids beyond life itself, and sometimes that love isn't the best thing for the kids, but parents are helpless to stop it. Catch 22...

SLC will have the good with the bad--find the good. I have a gay cousin there--don't look for him--he's not "the good" :), you ARE.

What sadness your family has endured. What sadness your brother endured. My heart goes out to you...

In spite of the love of your parents, in spite of the life of your brother, in the end, the only one to whom you have to prove yourself--is you.

el veneno said...

I'm moving downtown SLC in about a week. Funny my parents are actually the ones who kept telling me they thought I'd be a lot happier living closer to downtown. I guess they haven't heard as much about salt lake's dark side.
Sounds like you've got great parents who stuck by a tough first son and who are watching out for you. Also sounds like you and your brother are pretty different cases. Let your parents know you appreciate them but in the end you've got to do your thing and your parents will see that you make good choices (or have it reconfirmed cause I'm sure they know already).
If you do end up in SLC it will be good to have a new friend in town.

Beck said...

I didn't realize about your brother. I'm very sorry for your loss and personal grief. Obviously as parents, there is a lot for them to deal with your situation knowing the past. As a parent of teenagers I can testify to the fact that your parents love you and seriously want the best for you - as cliche' as that sounds, coming from a fellow parent, it's the truth. We don't always know how to relate or understand what you are going through, but it doesn't mean we don't still want the best for our kids... And obviously, you living your life according to YOUR convictions despite everything else, showing them the ADULT convictions you have, will go a long way to helping them to see the STRENGTH we in blogland see in you!

Linds said...

I love you too!! *hugs*