Saturday, July 08, 2006

For those struggling with SSA there are a lot of times when our feelings are pulling us in two very opposite directions...right now is one of those times.

Two years ago I attended Especially For Youth at the BYU provo campus. Like everyone there I had developed a CoW (crush of the week)--she was amazing, beautiful, talented, smart, an activist, absolutely perfect. We've always stayed in touch via email, our blogs, the occasional phone call, and whenever she came to Utah we'd go get lunch or something. Recently we've beem communicating more--I've been realizing more and more that I could marry someone like her. Flashes of walking out of the temple, etc fly through my mind.

Then comes the direct opposite--I see a man jogging outside my window with no shirt, other images flash through that aren't nearly as pure or idealistic--both seem right, both seem natural and I'm at a loss, in order to get my mind off of it I go and fold laundry.

anyway, i don't know why i'm writing this, it's ridiculous. I know I won't be getting married in this life. and I'm okay with that. I just really don't like how I occasionally feel like i'm going to be shredded in two.

Thinking about this, I remember when I first realized I struggled with SSA and accepted it. I knew that I could remain an active member of the church in good standing and still have this struggle, at that moment everything seemed aligned. I guess I need to make sure that I keep my thoughts in control (not suppressed) and then make sure to have that connection with Christ, because He does know what I'm going through--he's felt the pain, the hurt, those conflicting emotions. and most of all He loves me.

4 comments:

Samantha said...

It's NOT ridiculous...it's real, and it really does cause conflict. Sometimes I wonder if there's anything in life MORE contradictory, anything that causes MORE conflict.

You're right about Christ. He's walked with me through most of my life, calmed my heart when it was confused, soothed my soul when the turmoil surfaced. There IS no one else to turn to...HE is the only one.

That laundry folding thing--it's a good tool--I've used it a lot.

You're awesome. Thanks for this post.

Ward Cleaver said...

You are not alone in/with your feelings.

I KNOW what you're talking about and then some.....because I'm married and in love with my wife...yet I'm still torn.

Thank you being brave and posting your thoughts and feelings.

-L- said...

If you want to get married, you might be able to. There are lots of caveats and qualifications to put on that, but it worked out for me and it's the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Blah said...

ATP, I know you see your dual nature as a curse. I did for the longest time but I'm starting to see how much better off I am then a lot of SSA guys. A great portion of them arn't attracted to women in the least and would give up pretty much anything to feel something for the opposite sex. You're in a good position whether u realize it or not. It's a lot easier to foster and develop those feelings when you've already got them, believe me. You can have everything God has to offer, including temple marriage, there are many many guys that have gotten control of thier feelings enough to marry and be happy in marriage, all you have to do is believe they're out there and that you're one of them or will be one of them. My advice to you bro is get a therapist you really like, and just work through your feelings. It's been helping me a ton. Give me a shout if you want to talk.