For those struggling with SSA there are a lot of times when our feelings are pulling us in two very opposite directions...right now is one of those times.
Two years ago I attended Especially For Youth at the BYU provo campus. Like everyone there I had developed a CoW (crush of the week)--she was amazing, beautiful, talented, smart, an activist, absolutely perfect. We've always stayed in touch via email, our blogs, the occasional phone call, and whenever she came to Utah we'd go get lunch or something. Recently we've beem communicating more--I've been realizing more and more that I could marry someone like her. Flashes of walking out of the temple, etc fly through my mind.
Then comes the direct opposite--I see a man jogging outside my window with no shirt, other images flash through that aren't nearly as pure or idealistic--both seem right, both seem natural and I'm at a loss, in order to get my mind off of it I go and fold laundry.
anyway, i don't know why i'm writing this, it's ridiculous. I know I won't be getting married in this life. and I'm okay with that. I just really don't like how I occasionally feel like i'm going to be shredded in two.
Thinking about this, I remember when I first realized I struggled with SSA and accepted it. I knew that I could remain an active member of the church in good standing and still have this struggle, at that moment everything seemed aligned. I guess I need to make sure that I keep my thoughts in control (not suppressed) and then make sure to have that connection with Christ, because He does know what I'm going through--he's felt the pain, the hurt, those conflicting emotions. and most of all He loves me.