I did something today I never thought I would do, and my first thought was that I wish I had worn sexier underwear.
While I was at work I was in the back stockroom finishing up one project, and getting ready to leave. I was wearing my favorite pair of worn–in corduroys, an old pair of Doc Martins and a clearance Lands End button up (read: AtP’s straight man ensemble) I had just noticed some dirt that got on my shirt from moving pictures around as I bent down to grab a stack of The Ark by Michael McLean then heard a small sound coming from behind me. Not being used to the sound of splitting fabric, I thought it was, at first, an odd squeak emanating from the shoes I rarely wear. That was until I bent to the side to look for some more books, heard the same noise, only louder this time and noticed that my pants seemed freer than they had only moments before.
There I was, in the back of God’s Bookstore, completely dismayed by the fact I was wearing pants that shamelessly displayed my rather plain underclothing to the world. Surrounded by stacks of boxed pictures, discounted books by Robert Millet, and Christmas ornaments, the only thought I had is that I wish I had worn something other than Haines. Gaining enough composure to quickly finish the project I was working on, I dismissed myself with a small explanation and went home to my apartment.
I’m still slightly puzzled as to the actual mechanics of pant splittage in my certain circumstance. I mean… I am me after all. To those of you who actually know me can attest to the fact that I am ridiculously thin. Honestly, you couldn’t even tell that I had a backside when I wore those pants.
Hmmm it’s too late to think about how it happened because the only explanation I could come up with was that God was bored and wanted a good chuckle from one of His employees.