Wednesday, October 31, 2007

show me the stars

I went to visit Samantha this last weekend and I had an incredible time. A misquoting GA glowered at us in church while we played with Transformers, we ate artichokes, drank hot chocolate, and she even played the piano for me. It was incredible escaping into the beautiful world of the Queen.

The drive was excellent: radio blasting Rihanna, David Sedaris and David Rakoff books on Ipod, and the company couldn’t have been better. When I got home on Sunday I noticed that I was feeling nothing, absolutely nothing. It’s been awhile since I was shut-off emotionally, and I wasn't sure what was going on at first. I decided to watch Beyond the Gates to see if I really was dead inside. While I was sitting there realizing I was actually dead inside, the person next to me on the sofa had tears streaming down his face. I don’t understand crying.

Thinking that this was probably a bad place for me to be in, given my history of exceptional emotional eruptions when I begin to feel again, I decided it necessary to get back to that "feeling" thing again as soon as possible. I notified one of my roommates what was going on and we talked for a little while. He mostly talked while I listened. After a few minutes I started getting a little nauseas from the anxiety of denying the cut and run impulse that was racing through me. I excused myself, acknowledging that leaving was probably the best thing to do in that situation.

Monday morning brought no change in feeling. I was called, “bitchy” by one roommate, then another said, “I would’ve actually said cunty.” Lovely. I sent a few emails to people explaining my current situation the best I could, their responses which were all slightly negative made me question why I actually work hard at continuing friendship thing. But there has to be a reason, or, at least that's what people tell me.

The roommate I spoke with previously about my case of emotional void came home from work and asked if I was still not feeling. I responded in the negative and he replied, “It’s kind of obvious.”

I went to go to a yoga class.

During the practice I was getting really angry. Anger was good, right? At least it was a feeling. I knew it wasn’t going to last long. Getting home from yoga, I talked to the roommate that asked about my non-emotional state. We talked some more in my room and it was nice, I began feeling something again.

Waking up today I examined the feelings thing again. I was feeling the very limited range of emotions I was feeling the night before as I was talking with my roommate. Not bad. Not bad at all.

When I came home from work today I started feeling sad. I think it’s a good thing, but it still sucks ass, and not in that hot-porn-star-kind-of-way either.

After thinking about the cut and run impulse I have, which Ward (RIP) lovingly called a “character deficiency,” come to the conclusion that I don’t want to be alone, I just want to be understood and be with a good friend. I’ve been thinking I’m at the point where it’d be nice to have someone that knows what’s going on inside of me, willing to be near me when I’m feeling like this and just letting me be with them. It would be nice to know that I’m not hurting them or ruining their lives by being in their company, or to have them hurt when my initial reaction to being around them is to jump out a second story window.

We’ll see what tomorrow brings.


Samantha said...

The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I know what you're going through is difficult. I also know you can make it through this particular misery. Remember that you don't have to do it alone, but the person who ends up walking with you may not be the one you would choose.

I love you, AtP. Always.

Stephalumpagus said...

Hey friend it was great to see you last night, even if it was only for a couple minutes. I'm sad I didn't get to go with you to see Samantha. I hope you know that you can call me if you need anything. Anytime.

Love you.

Kengo Biddles said...

One thing to watch out for, is when you do get that friend (and I hope you do) to not think that friend is feeling put upon, life-ruined, etc. when they're really not.

Hope you're doing better at this point.

Anonymous said...

Thank goodness for mother figures like Samantha.

Samantha said...

Referencing the comment above:

In the words of Loonie Toons Tweety, "Him don't know me very well, do he?"

Forester said...

I'm going through the same thing right now with non-feeling and it has extended itself into my feelings of SGA. Mine is partly drug induced, but carries many of the same nuances that you have described. A lot of people don't realize that when I say "I don't care" doesn't mean that I don't care for them, I do. I just don't care about whatever it is they are asking me about.