Harbor

I had a conversation with God last night. It’s been happening more lately, and I kind of like it. I’m glad I’m the only one in my apartment right now; otherwise my roommates would think I am crazy.

Last night we talked about me serving a mission, I’m kind of scared that I won’t be able to because of mental health reasons, along with the whole being morally clean thing. We talked about some ways of helping with that. He just said I have a long time to serve a mission.

I told Him that I was scared that the only people I’ve began to trust are leaving, or are planning on not being here for long. He understands, and He knows that it’s causing me some anxiety.

Towards the end of our conversation I told Him that I was sad and scared, and I didn’t want to think about dying anymore, and that I wanted to be happy. I then felt peace.

Today I felt okay. I didn’t think about dying, which is the first day in about two weeks that hasn’t happened, I got a hug from Skyblue Pink when she paid me a compliment, and work wasn’t too dreadful. I felt like I had some purpose, I felt like I had some peace.

since it's been kind of a long time...

I don't know why this one made me laugh... After I showed this to a friend she said

"You're unwell...And you know as well as I do that no guy would ever consider twice."

I have to be faster, maybe I’ll get there before the pain

On Saturday I met an old blogger friend from WAY back in the day, I invited her along to a MoHo gathering. Sounds like nothing out of the norm but this girl had no idea that I’m gay… or that Mormons could even be gay… awkward huh?

So after we had dinner at Costa Vida I told her about my “situation” on our way to the little get together. I prefaced it with the opportunity for me to take her home with the option to never call me again. She took it with a minor look of shock and then went to the party and totally owned it, she handled everything really well and held her own.

Although I’m not worried at all about my friendship with this person, being so open really is scaring me.

I’m also concerned about my blog. There are so many of you who actually know who I am personally, and it makes me really nervous that you’re reading that I’m not actually as put together as I pretend I am. Is it too much to try to keep a convincing mask?

I’ve been really honest here lately, I’m scared, I feel alone, I feel like I’m on the edge, I don’t like feeling like that, and I want a break from it. My mom told my [now] oldest brother that I’m gay, it’s weird…I don’t want to be around home … which is a real shame because I was getting along with my parents really well lately.

I’m very frustrated that I’m feeling this way: I was the one that nothing ever effected -I was strong, I kept going on even though the only connection to my family killed himself, I kept going when my brother was in and out of jail and stealing tens of thousands of dollars from my parents for drug money, I was the strong one…I’m not anymore.

Church

Had one of those, "It's true, and it's worth it" moments.

Those are always nice.

Transparent & Glasslike

I’m here again: fingers resting lightly on home row with nothing to type, feeling as if the bright glow of the LCD screen on my Macbook is laughing at me, sort of like how my friends laugh at me when I didn’t hear something they said, or when I can’t talk well late at night.

I’m feeling a disconnect between other bloggers and myself, which is probably why I haven’t felt the intense urge to blog as much as I have the past year. Along with the disconnect there is certainly a large amount of disinterest behind writing about my life everyday when I’m out actually having one.

A lot of people who have read my blog have expressed some concern, but things are going well. Any day that I haven’t posted I think is a good day, like Sunday.

On Sunday I made some breakfast with Roz, and went to church. I was happy and content, and then I saw a really adorable guy in my ward. He is cute, but not really my type. Anywho, when I feel like my life is falling apart the “pounce-tackle-hump throw down,” is pretty intense, but out of the feeling good blue sky I suddenly want to father the children of this guy I’m sitting next to in priesthood.

Anyway, instead of doing that I just read from his priesthood manual, I think I want to be his friend. I’m going to work on that.

Anyway, I guess what I’m saying is that life is okay, I’m generally happy. And if I’m not, I know it will pass eventually.

The Infinite Atonement

Man's needs, however onerous they may be, will never exhaust God's love, His supply is boundless.

Don't leave me here.

My words aren't working, I want to write endlessly but the words aren't forming sentences,then what is coming out doesn't make sense.

I do know a few things:

1. i'm broken
2. I'm really scared I'm going to be like this the rest of my life.
3. I think this kind of sucks.

in different, but not 100% completely unrelated news...

I miss my brother.

Closing Frightened Eyes

While At Work...

[written yesterday] Today while I was helping an elderly woman a young man walked up to my coworker and purchased In Quiet Desperation. I managed to say that it was a good book he was getting, nothing more. I really wanted to talk to him and let him know that he wasn't alone, give him the necessary contact information in case he needed some support, and to let him know that people are praying for him and love him. I never, ever want someone to feel as alone as I did. I can't help but feel like I failed.

Things Are Getting Better...

Last night was FHE the topic was great and the socializing was just as good. I love getting hugs from Sister Matis. More to come on that topic...maybe

Accepting the Ride
I'm still working every day on letting go of the option of a physical relationship with a man. The last few nights I've been dreaming of a few people I'm currently man-crushing [nothing dirty, you sickos] but this morning I remembered that letting go is an every day thing, it was the most liberating feeling.

The last few weeks I've been paying extra attention to what I'm feeling, tracking emotions on a daily basis. As you can probably tell there is dedfinitely a roller coaster that I'm on and I don't think I'll be able to get off of it for a while. One thing that I need to talk to Therapist about is evening out those dramatic lows. anyway...now I'm rambing.

I guess what I'm attempting to say, is that I'm willing to do the work to get me to a place where I'm not in so much pain, and I know it will be worthwhile.

1

That was it.

I finished reading Kira Kira just a few moments ago and one tear fell from my right eye, onto my nose and then onto the right leg of the pants I wore to church.

That hasn't happened in four years. I haven't actually felt a tear leave my eyes in four years. It made me feel human, it made me feel alive.

Hourglass

This afternoon is better. Yesterday was hell, all of last week was hell.

I worked for nearly ten hours yesterday, every once in a while I come to the conclusion that if I perform well enough at work that’s all that matters in my life. I did the best I’ve ever done yesterday, perfect smile, mingling, sharing thoughts from my favorite books. All the while I was dreading the night that was about to come and envying my friends. While I was at work I kept telling myself that every time I had a dramatic up-sell I was one step closer to feeling better about life and myself. It didn’t happen.

I left work a bit early to get ready for my old best friend’s wedding reception. When I was walking through the line I was greeted by her father who said (paraphrasing) that he wished I were the one his daughter was marrying, I continued smiling.

Sitting down at the table with my old friends and acquaintances, I continued the show: My friends were all laughing and thoroughly enjoying my company, even people I didn’t associate with were in rapture at my conversational abilities. I wanted to die.

Leaving the reception I was on a performance high, picked up one of my old friends that lived near were the reception was and we drove around. I came out to her, and emphasized how well I was doing, overcompensating I guess. Dropping her off I immediately needed something else to keep the panic from easing in; I sent a desperate text wondering if I could drop something by someone’s house and called someone, they weren’t home. No dice.

No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t keep myself from feeling last night. Do you know how frustrating it is for someone who has been so good for so long at keeping away any sort of emotion and to suddenly not be able to do it? Feeling alone, betrayed and beaten by my own friends and emotions I resigned myself to my apartment.

yes, that's it...you know the story, don't you?

There are volumes I cannot speak.
I just want someone to understand.

Page 44 Please

I'm currently re-reading The Bell Jar by the love of my life, Victoria Lucas, and I'd like to share a quote I hope you will all enjoy,

"There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends."

It made me really glad to not be living in trashy dorms in the heart of Salt Lake City anymore. I felt so bad for my roommate because he woke up so many times to the sound of me throwing up ten feet away from the bed in our bathroom. The first few times I would usually hear a knock followed by an, "Dude, Are you okay?" After a few times of me being horribly rude I began to turn on the shower, fan, sink faucet and then empty the contents of my stomach. That left my roommate dreaming of Korean women, rather than worrying about his retching roommate that was becoming far too acquainted with the benefits of regular abdominal workouts through vomiting

I miss my old ssg roommate.

anyway, the anxiety isn't even close to where it was before, so I haven't puked since the beginning of April. I hope it stays that way.

Now back to Esther Greenwood

Blessed be His Name

Romans 8:35-39

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.

Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

because I thought this was cool

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Fade to Grey

Saturday morning I woke up late, in a bad mood I checked a few blogs. I read one that isn’t the queerosphere announcing that a friend of mine had chosen to leave the church. I got kind of emotional and pity-party-ish phrases like, all of the emotions tying back into the feeling of loss since my brother’s death over four years ago. I got to work about 15 minutes late and made it through most of the morning with only offending a few of my coworkers.

By the afternoon I was feeling better, and by seven I was changing into my lavender shirt and my second favorite pair of jeans and decided to be alittle more adventurous than usual and I wore my Dolce and Gabanna cologne and headed off to The Macaroni Grill with a bunch of other mohos (By a Single Thread, The Original MoHomie, The Non-Blogger, Danish Boy, The New Kid, Tito, and myself). Dinner was fantastic; I once again filled up on their delicious bread instead of the food I ordered. Boo.

When we had our fill, and By a Single Thread flirted enough with our married waitress we went to Rock Canyon Park. There were some blocks of ice that hadn’t fully melted so there was some impromptu ice blocking which I, regretfully, didn’t participate in. We finished that with no broken bones, some very awkward pictures, and a few grass stains. We ended up watching The Illusionist.

I slept in on Sunday, but not as much as I would have liked. Sacrament meeting was good, and I felt the need to share my testimony briefly… which I did, in about 35 seconds. Sunday school wasn’t bad, and priesthood was almost unbearable, but I sat through the whole lesson. Someone from my ward even sent me a love note! She’s the ward chorister and really nice, I think I should try to be her friend.

I made a brief appearance at my aunt’s birthday party/family gathering and bolted up to Salt Lake to see By a Single Thread sing, but alas Danish Boy and I couldn’t find the place where he was performing so we just wasted a tank of gas driving around the valley and talking.

Anyway…it’s my day off today and I think I’m going to read some more of the Infinite Atonement, and consider going to my ward’s FHE. Ack, I really need to go grocery shopping.

Funny Things Roommates Say Pt 3

So, I just had an...interesting conversation with my roommate and his fiance.

Highlights include:

Talking about birth control which Roommate's Fiance is now on.
Her latest gynecological endeaver in which she received the new drugs, and the awkward vaginal examination from a large bearded man
and also her vaginal expander.

...

which she proudly showed me.


Then she said to her soon-to-be lover, "I don't think this is going to be big enough."

So much to blog about. I'm too tired to actually blog about it.

But here's my desperate plea, it's my aunt's birthday family gathering...I need a date--anyone of the female persuasion want to meet my awful family tomorrow around 5 PM?