Tuesday, June 26, 2007

I have to be faster, maybe I’ll get there before the pain

On Saturday I met an old blogger friend from WAY back in the day, I invited her along to a MoHo gathering. Sounds like nothing out of the norm but this girl had no idea that I’m gay… or that Mormons could even be gay… awkward huh?

So after we had dinner at Costa Vida I told her about my “situation” on our way to the little get together. I prefaced it with the opportunity for me to take her home with the option to never call me again. She took it with a minor look of shock and then went to the party and totally owned it, she handled everything really well and held her own.

Although I’m not worried at all about my friendship with this person, being so open really is scaring me.

I’m also concerned about my blog. There are so many of you who actually know who I am personally, and it makes me really nervous that you’re reading that I’m not actually as put together as I pretend I am. Is it too much to try to keep a convincing mask?

I’ve been really honest here lately, I’m scared, I feel alone, I feel like I’m on the edge, I don’t like feeling like that, and I want a break from it. My mom told my [now] oldest brother that I’m gay, it’s weird…I don’t want to be around home … which is a real shame because I was getting along with my parents really well lately.

I’m very frustrated that I’m feeling this way: I was the one that nothing ever effected -I was strong, I kept going on even though the only connection to my family killed himself, I kept going when my brother was in and out of jail and stealing tens of thousands of dollars from my parents for drug money, I was the strong one…I’m not anymore.

7 comments:

Kengo Biddles said...

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Has your older brother freaked out, or is he handling it well?

Elbow said...

You may feel like you aren't strong, but you are. I read your posts and you have so much strength and courage. I think you're wonderful and that you have so much ahead of you. Your life isn't perfect, no one's is, but you have a lot of people and resources around you to live your life to its fullest. You're great!

Gimple said...

You may not think you are strong, because you see yourself and judge yourself more critically than the rest of us. I tend to do the exact same thing. Don't be little yourself! You are stronger than you think. I personally think that your are a great, strong guy and I admire you a lot. I hope that you can eventually see this.

salad said...

So I was telling Drex about the juice that you shared with me the other day and it made me crave it. Weird. But I also decided that I need to hang out with you again. You are amazing and I know you'll get through everything. *hugs*

Abelard Enigma said...

If it's any consolation, I don't know you personally :)

I was the strong one…I’m not anymore.

It's OK to feel insecure once it a while. Lord knows I sure have my bouts of insecurity.

Just remember that God loves you, those in the Mormon Blogosphere love you, and I love you. And we all love you for who you are, not who you pretend to be. (well, we love that person too)

Samantha said...

Strong or weak, vulnerable or impervious, brave or afraid... I love you and all that comes with you. Save me a hug, friend. There are none that can compare to the ones you give.

Oh, and I have one for you, too. It's a little on the short side, but I hope it will do.

Original Mohomie said...

Hey, my adorable, offensive little friend. No worries--I never DID think you were all that put-together. ;-) People obviously see strength in your posts. I've seen it, too. I'll admit to also seeing insecurity and uncertainty. Welcome to being a human with emotions. ;-)

If people seeing you as "strong" meant you had everything figured out, you may not need probation anymore. You're strong in many ways. You're a bumbling mess in others. That's life. No need to pretend. There are enough people in the world pretending. I think a little more authenticity is called for. Love ya, man.