This afternoon is better. Yesterday was hell, all of last week was hell.
I worked for nearly ten hours yesterday, every once in a while I come to the conclusion that if I perform well enough at work that’s all that matters in my life. I did the best I’ve ever done yesterday, perfect smile, mingling, sharing thoughts from my favorite books. All the while I was dreading the night that was about to come and envying my friends. While I was at work I kept telling myself that every time I had a dramatic up-sell I was one step closer to feeling better about life and myself. It didn’t happen.
I left work a bit early to get ready for my old best friend’s wedding reception. When I was walking through the line I was greeted by her father who said (paraphrasing) that he wished I were the one his daughter was marrying, I continued smiling.
Sitting down at the table with my old friends and acquaintances, I continued the show: My friends were all laughing and thoroughly enjoying my company, even people I didn’t associate with were in rapture at my conversational abilities. I wanted to die.
Leaving the reception I was on a performance high, picked up one of my old friends that lived near were the reception was and we drove around. I came out to her, and emphasized how well I was doing, overcompensating I guess. Dropping her off I immediately needed something else to keep the panic from easing in; I sent a desperate text wondering if I could drop something by someone’s house and called someone, they weren’t home. No dice.
No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t keep myself from feeling last night. Do you know how frustrating it is for someone who has been so good for so long at keeping away any sort of emotion and to suddenly not be able to do it? Feeling alone, betrayed and beaten by my own friends and emotions I resigned myself to my apartment.