I'm just going to say it and you can think I'm a jerk, but whatever.

I miss the old Queerosphere, and when I say old, I mean before the Tribune article last year. This time is also known as before most of you had blogs in the QoS. Those were better days.

PS I miss Ward Cleaver.

has it really been a week?

Ack!

I had a few consistent posts and then I sort of forget I had a blog for a week. I hate when this happens.

Samantha and Darrin came to visit me [hey, I can believe whatever I want to believe, OK?], we had lunch at our favorite place, and then they went to play with the FoxyJ and Master Fob.

It’s been Education Week in this area of the world, and that means that work has been kind of crazy, I’m so glad that I had today off. I celebrated by waxing my eyebrows and purchasing more hair product.

On Monday I hung out with Carry On at Lagoon, we partied it up, rode the new roller coaster, which was actually worth staying in line forever for. We ate at Costa Vida, my second favorite place ever. After dinner, we watched Superbad, which was such a terrible movie it made me want to curl up in a ball and cry. After that fiasco, I’ve taken away Carry On’s movie picking privileges.

Today Stephalumpagus forced me to go to an Organ recital today. It was painful. I decided I like the sound of a piano so much more than that of an organ.

I’ve felt good the last week or so. It’s been a nice change. Hopefully feeling OK will last. I’m working on some things that will keep it a little more in reach than it has in the last 8 or so months.

Anyway, I’m so done with this post. I’m going to go do something…or something… like watch a romantic comedy and eat junk food.

Last night I began wondering what my life will be like when I’m older. Will I have anyone to take care of me if or when I get ill, or perhaps what will I do when I become too old to take care of myself and have no family to help me?

I must admit this was the first time I’ve thought about this. When I’ve visualized my future, it never really goes that far. I remember a reoccurring dream when I was 17; I died of leukemia before I was even thirty. I’ve never really been fantastic when thinking about what I would like my life to be when I’m twice, or three times my current age.

My parents worry, I know they do. They worry about if I’ll choose to take my life, if I’ll leave church, or what will happen to me when they pass away.

I woke up this morning, afraid that my life was going to be lonely, that I was going to actually live, and I would have to face that loneliness and decide what to do with it.

mmmm mid-grade corrugated paper products. delicious

Today while I was unpacking items [2008 temple calendars] at Your Local Inspirational Bookstore, I noticed that there was a certain size of box that had a very interesting name.



Yes, at YLIBS we even have religious references on our shipping products.

Wow.

The Church

OK it's after 1 am and I'm tired, but I wanted to write about why I'm grateful I have the church and the gospel in my life. It'll be short, since this post is mainly

1. I have a knowledge of deity. I know how I relate to them, and even though I resist communicating with God, He is always there for me. If it wasn't for the church, I never would have had teachers to help me help me start to develop a relationship with God.

2. If it wasn't for me being taught the law of chastity when I was younger, I would be the biggest slut right now. Well, more of a slut than I already am.

3. My job, I am still working at Your Local Inspirational Bookstore and I'm happy some of the time that I'm in a good environment. Even though there are stupid men from rural Utah who call and insist that scouting is necessary for any young man to consider him a worthy Aaronic Priesthood holder. PS my manager has given me an exorbitant amount of time of over the next quarter and a half. I'm really happy he's so freaking awesome about it.

Anyway, I would like to rewrite this post in a more devotional fashion because there are so many things I love about the gospel and even things I love about the church.

PS, anyone planning on attending the Evergreen Conference?

Penelope Shoes

I currently have 27 posts saved as drafts for this particular blog. I can't publish any of it. I wish I could have kept my readership at a distance, I'm too scared my friends read my blog, there are things people can't know about me: I'm too broken, too ugly, too scared.

Someone like me shouldn't feel so sad. I have friends, an OK job, a car that runs well, and a few people that I know care very much for me. I really do have everything--why can't I be happy? Why can't I feel whole?

“Hemingway has his classic moment in "The Sun Also Rises" when someone asks Mike Campbell how he went bankrupt. All he can say is, "Gradually, then suddenly." That's how depression hits. You wake up one morning, afraid that you're going to live.”

I can only give you everything I've got.

I don't want to post, but I probably will press the publish button instead of the save button. I still want to be gone.

I woke up today feeling like nothing was holding my body together, I feel wretched and worthless... it's never a good sign when I wake up like this.

This is surely just some residual effects from the really lame panic attack I had Monday morning, but this is ridiculous. Why can't I get over it?



I need to be still be away for a while. I don't want to do this right now.