Friday, February 23, 2007

An attempt to explain life in general

The negative
I’m more alone than I ever have been this past week. The most human contact I’ve had has been with my roommate and the mildly handicapped people that I work with at Your Local Inspirational Bookstore: The Remix. It's pathetic.

My laptop has crashed three times today. It isn't supposed to do that. And that really pisses me off.

I'm a mess financially, I'm in debt up to my ears and I've had to ask my parents for money three times--something I haven't had to do since I was 15.

I'm angry all the time; at people around me, at myself. And for stupid things too, basically I'm angry at people for not being able to read my mind and realize how messed up I am. After work I made a quick stop off at a mall and went back to my dorm. I spent some time reading and tried to sleep but I couldn't because I was just so, so angry.

in addition to being angry all of the time, i'm really afraid. I hate how disabling it can be sometimes

I'm moving back to Provo the end of this semester just because I'm freaking miserable here. Yeah, I know i'm running away. Think Ani DiFranco, "I want my friends, I want my old face, I want my old mind--F--- this time and place"

The postive

I'm reading the re-released version of "All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience," that just came out a few days ago, and it's a really good book. I've learned a lot in there.

I'm getting a hair cut on Monday. I can't wait.

I'm slowly gaining more influence at work and the old women are finally starting to realize I have good ideas--so we're changing things around. i still have a list of things I want to have changed, on the top of that list I want to instigate alphabetizing our product. I know. shocking idea, isn't it?

I've been able to talk to a few people the past few days that have been amazing helps and they've helped me realize that God hasn't forgotten me, and that even though I feel like no one is there for me, I know I'm not.

i'm praying more than usual, turns out God is a great listener... and He loves me... hmmm Who knew?


Kengo Biddles said...

Sounds like difficult times in AtP-Town. I'm sorry that it's the crumbs for you mate, but it sounds like you're taking steps in the right direction, rather than letting it control your life.


Wayward Son said...

My heart goes out to you. The clinical psychology trainee inside of me is dying to jump into the ring on this one and help you create some sort of treatment plan to help you overcome/cope with your struggles. But I’m not sure what’s left to do, it seems like you’re already on top of it: making an effort to recognize positives, engaging in rewarding behaviors (a high quality hair-cut never fails to get me out of a funk), engaging in assertive behaviors (you show those old ladies what’s up), using blog as healthy outlet/source of social support, and most importantly prayer. So I guess all I can say is keep doing what you’re doing, and when you’re feeling alone remember that though it’s maybe not the ideal medium there are people here who care.

Distinguishing Preoccupation said...

It's good to knwo you are human. I've had similar weeks... semesters where it's just filled with anger. And yes I got scared too because I wasn't able to accomplish tasks because of the frustration.
Best of Luck!


epadavito said...

sometimes you just gotta get mad - and thats ok.....I did that today....

Loyalist (with defects) said...

one of the most annoying thing my grandfather taught me was that while being at the bottom is the horrible, the best part to recognize is that the is only one way left to go. Up!

very annoying i know. however there is that tad bit of worth in it as well.

i am here and am praying for you.