Hmmm well, this is primarily my blog to discuss my thoughts and struggles concerning the mission, my ssa, etc.

but tonight i'm going to take a little vacation from that... er... quasi vacation.

I saw The Devil Wears Prada with Latin Stud and ByuSkyBluePink, good times had by all.

I had an odd realization. I go through best friends like toilet paper.... Seriously, the longest anyone has ever made it has been 1.5 years, held by Fadgst. That one ended when I came home from my mini-mission last summer and I told her I didn't need her friendship. I did that, cut off all ties, without feeling a single emotion about it.

I'm really a monster when I seperate my actions from my emotions. Anyway, who will I move onto next? How will I destroy this friendship? I'm seeing one on the fritz right now and I don't knwo if I care enough to really do anything about it.

dang, why am I so emotionally detached?

Okay, so I was on campus on monday, and right now there are EFY kids SWARMING the place.

I realized, I've gotten old(er). You see, last year I would've been checking out the participants...when I saw everyone this year-I was totally checking out the counselors.

it was so weird.

Oh, PS, I found out the person who did my evaluation hasn't even sent it to my bishop or my stake president. I'm pretty much livid about the situation

PSS the social worker who did my eval has been completely ignoring my phone calls. If I don't get an answer tomorrow I'll just stop by LDS social serivices and it won't be pretty

I want this to just be over.

I feel inadequate, and empty...

ugh maybe I should just dye my hair black and start listening to wicked emo music.

Anyway, I just need to go to bed and let tomorrow be a new day

Hey everyone.

there's a really awesome forum for people struggling with SSA who want to lead lives dedicated to the Gospel @ www.lds-ssa.org it's helped me a lot. so yeah, check it out

This is going to be the first, and the last time that I will ever blog about work, I swear.

I work in the card cancellation dept for American Express business cards. Great times, right? People call me, tell me to cancel their cards, I talk them out of it. Today I received a doozy. Infact I'm still reeling from it.

ME: Thank you for calling open from American Express, this is AttemptingthePath, how may I assist you today?

Cardmember: Do you support abortion?

ME: Ummm, what do you mean--me personally or American Express?

CM: Does your (expletive delete) corporation support abortion?!

ME: Amex doesn't take a stance on pressing social issues such as this.

CM: I read that Amex gave money to planned parenthood! Is that true?!

ME: I can't say if in the past that Amex has given any money to the planned parenthood **sounds of me being cut off by the CM*

CM: (more expletive deletes)

Funny part of the story is that he's the leader of a non-denominational worship center, and that I basically paid him off in money to keep his account open... heehee


That's just about as bad as the time that someone called in to cancel their card because Ellen "Degenerate" was in an ad that amex did.

People are ridiculous.

I think I just realized how creepy my profile picture is... *shudder*

I need to find a new one hahaha

A few weeks ago I was really feeling burnt out on gay issues—I couldn’t do it anymore, I HAD to take a break. This was due to overanalyzing my own life, paying too much attention to current gay events, and possibly becoming too involved with other people’s lives.

This little respite has been extremely beneficial for me, mostly because I’ve been trying to find a balance between small part of me that experiences attractions to members of my own sex, and the rest of my life (my desire to serve a mission, my job, my friends, family, my own mental stability, et cetera)

And very slowly, it’s happening. I’ve come to a few conclusions the past week or so that I just want to throw out there… And I think the most important one being the terms in which I use to identify myself. From around April until the beginning of June, I would openly use the term gay with my friends haphazardly. Then a week or so ago, I realized that I have no idea what the word gay means! I referred to Dictionary.com nothing, the definition is ambiguous at best, and it talked about social norms, homosexual orientation and so on. These terms are thrown around so loosely when you attempt to define the terms you are automatically thrown into a quagmire that is nearly impossible to escape.

I’ve come back to the realization that the term that best describes what I’m experiencing in this life is someone who struggles with Same-Sex Attraction. There’s no nonsense with that term, no negative social connotations, no need to live up to the social expectations with it…it’s very clear cut and seemingly easily to define. Anyway…those were the ramblings of a quasi-angsty pre-missionary who may very well be a no-missionary hahaha.

But.

I wouldn’t trade the challenges in my life for anything.

Okay, I'd really like everyone to answer this question...

When you were first coming to the conclusion of dealing with Same-sex attraction, what were the most invaluable lessons you have learned concerning the topic?

The reason why I ask is that there are so many young men and women (and older ones too) that are finally coming to terms with their attraction and desperately need to learn from our experiences.

Holy crap, THAT'S FUNNY.

I haven't heard anything yet.

But I feel SO much better now that I have my escape plan figured out... A few classes at UVSC in the afternoon, and living in Belmont of Bountiful Court. They're both ghetto, but it's cheap :-)

Anyway, how's life everyone?

Oh. So yeah...

If the mission thing doesn't happen. I have everything else planned out. All I need now is an answer from Church HQ

The evaluation was pure hell.

i have no idea if or when i'm going to serve a mission.

but besides that, there was one of thsoe crazy-awesome Utah rainstorms tonight, and I played in the puddles for aobut an hour!

So, overall today wasn't that bad

Dang. sometimes I really want to go back to my old ways (i never did anything crazy or whatnot) but man, it seems like fun.

It's been six months.

First of all, thank you all for the comments!

Secondly next thursday is the day I meet to get the evaluation. I'm really learning a lesson in patience, understanding and my techniques on lying to people have ever increased :-D. Although, it is entertaining to tell people I'm waiting on the paternity test of my ex-girlfriend's baby :-D

But what happens if I can't go? What will I do? Where will I go? I don't really see myself being able to hang around Utah Valley after being turned down for missionary service.. Then, when I tell people I can't go for medical reasons (I've been telling people it's because of depression I need the eval) They'll probably just assume I wasn't worthy or something.

But what happens will happen for a reason. I just need to find what it is.