Wednesday, June 21, 2006

A few weeks ago I was really feeling burnt out on gay issues—I couldn’t do it anymore, I HAD to take a break. This was due to overanalyzing my own life, paying too much attention to current gay events, and possibly becoming too involved with other people’s lives.

This little respite has been extremely beneficial for me, mostly because I’ve been trying to find a balance between small part of me that experiences attractions to members of my own sex, and the rest of my life (my desire to serve a mission, my job, my friends, family, my own mental stability, et cetera)

And very slowly, it’s happening. I’ve come to a few conclusions the past week or so that I just want to throw out there… And I think the most important one being the terms in which I use to identify myself. From around April until the beginning of June, I would openly use the term gay with my friends haphazardly. Then a week or so ago, I realized that I have no idea what the word gay means! I referred to nothing, the definition is ambiguous at best, and it talked about social norms, homosexual orientation and so on. These terms are thrown around so loosely when you attempt to define the terms you are automatically thrown into a quagmire that is nearly impossible to escape.

I’ve come back to the realization that the term that best describes what I’m experiencing in this life is someone who struggles with Same-Sex Attraction. There’s no nonsense with that term, no negative social connotations, no need to live up to the social expectations with it…it’s very clear cut and seemingly easily to define. Anyway…those were the ramblings of a quasi-angsty pre-missionary who may very well be a no-missionary hahaha.


I wouldn’t trade the challenges in my life for anything.


Samantha said...

"I wouldn’t trade the challenges in my life for anything."

Good for you!!

Nor would I.

epadavito said...

balance definately is key - when you get set on something and soooo focused on it- then its like you have blinders on and really in this life we need the peripheral vision to be able to make the best choices and have the best outcome.

Ward Cleaver said...

This sounds like good and healthy analyzing. Being "gay" isn't who you are......having ssa isn't something you "are."

ssa is something you (and I) struggle with. It doesn't define us. My curly hair makes up who I doesn't define me. My ssa makes up who I am BUT it doesn't define me. It's just something that I my blue light dislikes. Why do we "like" or "dislike" something that is a matter of taste?

With that said, I would like to point out I do NOT believe in being "born" this way. I think it's a matter of conditioning.

My two cents.