One of my all time favorite scriptures would have to be Revelations 7:13-17 it reads, “And one of the elders answered, saying unto me, What are these who are arrayed in white robes? And whence came they? And I said unto him, Sir, thou knowest. And he said to me, These are they which came out of great tribulation, and have washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the Lamb. Therefore are they before the throne of God, and serve him day and night in his temple: and he that sitteth on the throne shall dwell among them. They shall hunger no more, neither thirst anymore…For the Lamb which in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of waters: and God shall wipe all tears from their eyes”
This piece of scripture has been a life preserver for me in times of great pain where I didn’t know where I should turn to for help, for those nights I lay in my bed not wanting to make it through another day, I would repeat the last line of that over and over again in my head until I felt at peace with myself and fall asleep.
I was thinking more about that passage, our relationship with our Christ, and His love for us. The end of the verse states that, “God shall wipe all tears from their eyes,” I don’t know about anyone else, but I’ve never let anyone extend their arm, and with a brush of their thumb wipe a tear from my cheek. Mind you, I’m slightly emotionally barren when it comes to the crying department. But with all of the people that I currently know, I wouldn’t allow them, or they wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that.
I really wish I knew what I was trying to say here….well, I guess that Our God, Our Christ, the One who has provided redemption, loves us, He knows us, and He will be there to comfort us.
Also, at work I read part of a book that goes through, what the author thought, as the meaning of Christ referring Himself to as “The beginning and the end.” This has always confused me, as I’ve just simply brushed it away and chalked it up to His eternal nature. But this author brought up what it means to each and every one of us personally. He is the end of sorrow, pain, grief, loneliness, past hurt, and he is the beginning of peace, life, love, understanding, healing, and joy. He came to bring beauty for ashes.
Remember, God will wipe the tears away from your eyes.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Monday, August 28, 2006
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Having a bad day.
I really don't like angst.
*le sigh*
My parents asked what was wrong, there are a lot of things going well.. but let's focus on the negative just because I'm in a pissy mood, and this is my blog.
I'm the new project in Elders Quorum, my bishop everytime he shakes my hand has that, "I'm so sorry" look in his eyes but he doesn't know how to help, in gospel doctrine they kept repeating the phrase "every young man needs to serve a mission." I felt more than one set of eyes land on myself. That felt absolutely wonderful. Oh, I also like guys--incase anyone didn't catch that.
When will attending church stop hurting? When can I go and have a positive experience?
I want to run away again, but I'm too scared to do it. I really need to take some time off of everything and go away for a while. like literally leave this place and put myself back together.
Also, recently the only thing that has kept me from "acting out" has been fear, not the love of the Gospel and Christ as it should be. I need to realign my focus.
but I'm lazy, so I'll probably just take a nap, wake up and spend way too much time watching movies or reading a pointless, badly written book.
I really don't like angst.
*le sigh*
My parents asked what was wrong, there are a lot of things going well.. but let's focus on the negative just because I'm in a pissy mood, and this is my blog.
I'm the new project in Elders Quorum, my bishop everytime he shakes my hand has that, "I'm so sorry" look in his eyes but he doesn't know how to help, in gospel doctrine they kept repeating the phrase "every young man needs to serve a mission." I felt more than one set of eyes land on myself. That felt absolutely wonderful. Oh, I also like guys--incase anyone didn't catch that.
When will attending church stop hurting? When can I go and have a positive experience?
I want to run away again, but I'm too scared to do it. I really need to take some time off of everything and go away for a while. like literally leave this place and put myself back together.
Also, recently the only thing that has kept me from "acting out" has been fear, not the love of the Gospel and Christ as it should be. I need to realign my focus.
but I'm lazy, so I'll probably just take a nap, wake up and spend way too much time watching movies or reading a pointless, badly written book.
Friday, August 25, 2006
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Continuing the saga
I came out to my parents the first Wednesday in May. The next day was my day off with my old job and my stake president called me and asked me to stop by his business for an interview to put my mission papers. I went in to the interview dressed to kill, we covered all the topics of small talk that are necessary in such situations, then we go through the entire interview, I was completely honest. He then asks me if there was any place that I couldn’t serve.
I answered the Minnesota Minneapolis Mission.
He looked at me, not knowing if I was joking or not. I then asked my Stake President if my bishop told him anything that we’ve discussed. He shook his head, ‘No he didn’t mention anything.”
By this time, coming out to people was like second nature, so I told him that I struggle with SSA and that a few months ago, I was participating in an online forum where I started to communicate through AOL Instant Messenger, and occasionally over the phone with a young man who was also a pre-missionary. This person, who was living in California at the time and just got his mission call to Minnesota. A few weeks after we started conversing he wrote me an extremely long email. In this email he confessed his general attraction to me, then asked if I could pick him up from the airport so we could make out (and so, so much more) before he went to the MTC.
I feel horrible saying this, but I might’ve considered it if he wasn’t an ugly 250 pound 5’ 4” Filipino man (I almost hate bringing up the fact that he was Filipino, but I have to, since the Filipino race is generally slightly shorter and not quite as large as this particular gentleman was….) So this brought up two things I’ve never thought of, I’m superficial, and I need to continually watch myself and the people I converse with.
I reply to this man and tell him that I can’t talk to him anymore, and that he needed to erase my phone number, erase all my contact information so he wouldn’t try contacting me again. I blocked his email, AIM, removed his commenting ability on my other weblog (I think everyone here underestimates my blog-whore-ness…I’m ridiculous)
I then said that as of March 26th he was serving in the Minnesota mission, and it wouldn’t be fair for me, or that young man to be in the same mission, because I knew for a fact that he still was really messed up about his feelings for me.
For a good 15 minutes I sat there while my stake president typed notes into his computer for my papers. He said everything would be okay, and that in about two or three weeks I’d hear back from he missionary department.
Two weeks went by and I still haven’t heard anything from the missionary department… Exactly three weeks later my stake president called and told me that I needed to get a psychiatric evaluation. Two weeks later I went in for the evaluation with someone from LDS Social Services. I considered her highly inept, considering the fact that she talked more about how I did theatre in high school rather than the fact that I like guys.
Two weeks later I still hadn’t heard anything back from he missionary department, three went by…that Sunday I get a call from the stake president’s office requesting that I come down to speak with him.
I thought it was going to be a “hang in there” chat with the SP (I was constantly having those with the bishop) but this one was different. I walked into the stake offices and by the look in his eyes when he shook my hand I knew he pitied me at the time. I walk in, knowing full well that I wasn’t going to be able to serve at this time.
He asked me to sit in a chair next to his desk, rather than sitting opposite. I move closer, and sit down rather stiffly—attempting not to let my generally animated face show any expression.
SP: “The First Presidency wanted me to let you know that this decision has nothing to do with the fact that you struggle with Same-sex attraction.” (Which I genuinely believe)
AtP: what? … Oh…kay?”
SP: “In your psychiatric evaluation some information came out that I wasn’t aware of” (Lie, I told you. But I’ll let it slide this time) “But the church has a strict policy that before someone can be considered for missionary service they need to have been a member in good standing for at least a year—you can resubmit your papers again in January”
AtP: “What?”
Bishop: “Mark, I’m sorry…I just want to let you know that we’re proud of you for going about this the right way…You could’ve easily lied and been able to serve right away, but we’re very proud that you didn’t…”
After a few more minutes concerning repentance, consequences, etcetera they dismissed me to tell my family what the church decided.
Moments after I get into my car, I turn it on, and send out a mass text message—I sent one to Hilary, AKA the First (and only) Kiss. Thee minutes later she called, I thought that she was going to console me, but no. She then started yelling about how her parents wouldn’t let her come to Utah for a summer vacation. I couldn’t believe that I had just heard the worse news of my life so far and she called to complain about how bad her upper middle class life with nearly perfect parents, was horrible (although she might be feeling bad that her current boyfriend was an emotional basket case who is absolutely hideous)
…I got off the phone as soon as possible and went to take a nap…
After I woke up from the nap, I decided that I was going to do what held me up the first time, just to spite them… In retrospect that wasn’t the brightest decision I’ve ever made… that really threw me back to square one. Damn.
I answered the Minnesota Minneapolis Mission.
He looked at me, not knowing if I was joking or not. I then asked my Stake President if my bishop told him anything that we’ve discussed. He shook his head, ‘No he didn’t mention anything.”
By this time, coming out to people was like second nature, so I told him that I struggle with SSA and that a few months ago, I was participating in an online forum where I started to communicate through AOL Instant Messenger, and occasionally over the phone with a young man who was also a pre-missionary. This person, who was living in California at the time and just got his mission call to Minnesota. A few weeks after we started conversing he wrote me an extremely long email. In this email he confessed his general attraction to me, then asked if I could pick him up from the airport so we could make out (and so, so much more) before he went to the MTC.
I feel horrible saying this, but I might’ve considered it if he wasn’t an ugly 250 pound 5’ 4” Filipino man (I almost hate bringing up the fact that he was Filipino, but I have to, since the Filipino race is generally slightly shorter and not quite as large as this particular gentleman was….) So this brought up two things I’ve never thought of, I’m superficial, and I need to continually watch myself and the people I converse with.
I reply to this man and tell him that I can’t talk to him anymore, and that he needed to erase my phone number, erase all my contact information so he wouldn’t try contacting me again. I blocked his email, AIM, removed his commenting ability on my other weblog (I think everyone here underestimates my blog-whore-ness…I’m ridiculous)
I then said that as of March 26th he was serving in the Minnesota mission, and it wouldn’t be fair for me, or that young man to be in the same mission, because I knew for a fact that he still was really messed up about his feelings for me.
For a good 15 minutes I sat there while my stake president typed notes into his computer for my papers. He said everything would be okay, and that in about two or three weeks I’d hear back from he missionary department.
Two weeks went by and I still haven’t heard anything from the missionary department… Exactly three weeks later my stake president called and told me that I needed to get a psychiatric evaluation. Two weeks later I went in for the evaluation with someone from LDS Social Services. I considered her highly inept, considering the fact that she talked more about how I did theatre in high school rather than the fact that I like guys.
Two weeks later I still hadn’t heard anything back from he missionary department, three went by…that Sunday I get a call from the stake president’s office requesting that I come down to speak with him.
I thought it was going to be a “hang in there” chat with the SP (I was constantly having those with the bishop) but this one was different. I walked into the stake offices and by the look in his eyes when he shook my hand I knew he pitied me at the time. I walk in, knowing full well that I wasn’t going to be able to serve at this time.
He asked me to sit in a chair next to his desk, rather than sitting opposite. I move closer, and sit down rather stiffly—attempting not to let my generally animated face show any expression.
SP: “The First Presidency wanted me to let you know that this decision has nothing to do with the fact that you struggle with Same-sex attraction.” (Which I genuinely believe)
AtP: what? … Oh…kay?”
SP: “In your psychiatric evaluation some information came out that I wasn’t aware of” (Lie, I told you. But I’ll let it slide this time) “But the church has a strict policy that before someone can be considered for missionary service they need to have been a member in good standing for at least a year—you can resubmit your papers again in January”
AtP: “What?”
Bishop: “Mark, I’m sorry…I just want to let you know that we’re proud of you for going about this the right way…You could’ve easily lied and been able to serve right away, but we’re very proud that you didn’t…”
After a few more minutes concerning repentance, consequences, etcetera they dismissed me to tell my family what the church decided.
Moments after I get into my car, I turn it on, and send out a mass text message—I sent one to Hilary, AKA the First (and only) Kiss. Thee minutes later she called, I thought that she was going to console me, but no. She then started yelling about how her parents wouldn’t let her come to Utah for a summer vacation. I couldn’t believe that I had just heard the worse news of my life so far and she called to complain about how bad her upper middle class life with nearly perfect parents, was horrible (although she might be feeling bad that her current boyfriend was an emotional basket case who is absolutely hideous)
…I got off the phone as soon as possible and went to take a nap…
After I woke up from the nap, I decided that I was going to do what held me up the first time, just to spite them… In retrospect that wasn’t the brightest decision I’ve ever made… that really threw me back to square one. Damn.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
i typed this at 2 AM don't judge me... but part three...
Well, here I am continuing in the condensed travel log of yours truly. At the end of the last post I was speaking of coming out to my best friend byuskybluepink. And here is where I actually loose track of who I told in my life. I was still posting on LDS-SSA.org with frequency dabbling more and more into blogging about my struggle with SSA (which has been a huge asset, I have my straight blog and then this one.)
In late April of this year I read a posting on the D2 mailing list about FHE at the Matis’ home (they were the co-authors of In Quiet desperation… by the way, who has read that book?) Going to FHE would be a huge risk, I have never met someone under the pretense of struggling with SSA. In fact, I think I almost wet myself when I thought of it with any sort of regularity.
That Monday came, in the evening I started my drive to their house, I think I was praying the entire way. But completely to my surprise when I rang the doorbell a shorter woman opened the door and gave me a hug that was so needed, next her husband got up out of his sofa chair and gave me a hug as well it was the closest thing to being hugged by Christ I knew of at the time. Those hugs told me many things, that they knew where I was in my struggle, they knew my pain, they’ve seen what I’ve gone through, they would do anything they could for me. It was everything that I needed and more. We had an excellent fireside with the first president of the Palmyra Temple, then cheesecake and cookies afterward with some amazing conversation. Marilyn was speaking to me, she asked if I told my parents of my struggle… I lowered my head and mentioned that I hadn’t.
II then told her the story of my older brother, his choice to be active in that lifestyle, the drugs, and eventually his death. I mentioned that everything was extremely compounded by that. She told me that I should prayerfully consider telling them.
I went home feeling whole, loved and needed. Mostly I felt like I was ready to tell my parents—something I planned on never, ever doing.
Two days later I yelled through the bathroom wall at my mom who was brushing her teeth that I needed to talk to her. She immediately finished and came out. I told her that I really needed to talk to her; she could tell I was very apprehensive about the conversation at hand. After a few moments I had my thoughts and action plan formulated in my mind… It went something like this.
AtP: Mom… I have a very… well, let’s say, interesting blessing in my life
Mom: .odd look.
Atp: Well, I struggle with same-sex attraction
Mom: blank stare
AtP: I know it had to be hard, but I know that I’m going to follow what I know to be true through the gospel of Jesus Christ … I have a book you should read.
Then I hand over to my mom a copy of In Quiet Desperation.
It was really difficult and my mom had no desire to talk about it, but I continually brought it up, I needed their approval, I needed her help, I needed her understanding. It was really difficult for me because that day whenever I tried to bring it up she would start crying. I remember very little of what she actually said, but I know that she wasn’t happy…
Later that night my dad walked into my mom’s study and sees her reading the book. Moments later I walk in. My dad asked my mom what she was reading, she turned the book over and my dad suddenly looked at me. At that moment as I looked into his eyes I saw everything that he ever wished for his family leave his eyes. They became empty and hollow when he looked at me.
I couldn’t handle it, I grabbed my blanket and went into the den to watch the Chronicles of Narnia, moments later my mother comes down and just says that my dad needed time to get over this “shocking news.”
He still doesn’t talk to me unless it’s necessary.
In late April of this year I read a posting on the D2 mailing list about FHE at the Matis’ home (they were the co-authors of In Quiet desperation… by the way, who has read that book?) Going to FHE would be a huge risk, I have never met someone under the pretense of struggling with SSA. In fact, I think I almost wet myself when I thought of it with any sort of regularity.
That Monday came, in the evening I started my drive to their house, I think I was praying the entire way. But completely to my surprise when I rang the doorbell a shorter woman opened the door and gave me a hug that was so needed, next her husband got up out of his sofa chair and gave me a hug as well it was the closest thing to being hugged by Christ I knew of at the time. Those hugs told me many things, that they knew where I was in my struggle, they knew my pain, they’ve seen what I’ve gone through, they would do anything they could for me. It was everything that I needed and more. We had an excellent fireside with the first president of the Palmyra Temple, then cheesecake and cookies afterward with some amazing conversation. Marilyn was speaking to me, she asked if I told my parents of my struggle… I lowered my head and mentioned that I hadn’t.
II then told her the story of my older brother, his choice to be active in that lifestyle, the drugs, and eventually his death. I mentioned that everything was extremely compounded by that. She told me that I should prayerfully consider telling them.
I went home feeling whole, loved and needed. Mostly I felt like I was ready to tell my parents—something I planned on never, ever doing.
Two days later I yelled through the bathroom wall at my mom who was brushing her teeth that I needed to talk to her. She immediately finished and came out. I told her that I really needed to talk to her; she could tell I was very apprehensive about the conversation at hand. After a few moments I had my thoughts and action plan formulated in my mind… It went something like this.
AtP: Mom… I have a very… well, let’s say, interesting blessing in my life
Mom: .odd look.
Atp: Well, I struggle with same-sex attraction
Mom: blank stare
AtP: I know it had to be hard, but I know that I’m going to follow what I know to be true through the gospel of Jesus Christ … I have a book you should read.
Then I hand over to my mom a copy of In Quiet Desperation.
It was really difficult and my mom had no desire to talk about it, but I continually brought it up, I needed their approval, I needed her help, I needed her understanding. It was really difficult for me because that day whenever I tried to bring it up she would start crying. I remember very little of what she actually said, but I know that she wasn’t happy…
Later that night my dad walked into my mom’s study and sees her reading the book. Moments later I walk in. My dad asked my mom what she was reading, she turned the book over and my dad suddenly looked at me. At that moment as I looked into his eyes I saw everything that he ever wished for his family leave his eyes. They became empty and hollow when he looked at me.
I couldn’t handle it, I grabbed my blanket and went into the den to watch the Chronicles of Narnia, moments later my mother comes down and just says that my dad needed time to get over this “shocking news.”
He still doesn’t talk to me unless it’s necessary.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Coming to terms part 2
On January 6th 2006 I became truly converted to the Gospel of Jesus Christ because I was finally able to base my faith on Him. At that moment I began to implement my extraordinary talent in the use of Google. I read everything I could on the topic (although I did shy away from anything put out by Evergreen—but I’ll get into that sometime later) I discovered a lot of blogs out there and began, at that time to start reading some of yours (I think it was LDSwithSSA (whom I’ve never commented on) I clicked the links that really started me on a journey with getting to know each and every one of you. The next that I remember reading was El Veneno’s, (Okay, I’m slowly coming to terms that, yes, I AM a cyber stalker.) Then I’m sure it was Elbows…and I’m so grateful that Samantha was the one who actually found ME—youre the best :-D
All of the information that was out on the web wasn’t really doing what I needed…I was coming to the conclusion that I needed to come out to someone or I was going to explode! (trust me it wouldn’t be a pretty picture) I was agonizing over it, I wondered who I could tell that wouldn’t shun me, or tell the world what a freak I was. After a moment of Prayer I was able to decide on Jim, a lawyer working in downtown Salt Lake, who randomly found me online 4 years previously—we kept in touch as he helped me get over the loss of my brother, and my struggle with other aspects of my life. I sent him the email and he was nothing but loving and understanding of my situation. He provided a listening ear whenever I had to deal with some angst, and for being a corporate attorney I was amazed he always found the time for me.
By mid February I needed some more support dealing with SSA, someone that I knew would be there no matter what time of the night it was, no matter what my mental, physical, or spiritual state of well being. I had a strong impression that I was to tell probably the most conservatively raised friends of the time, who most likely knew nothing of the subject. I was texting my friend, Roz late at night, mentioning that I needed to tell her something. I asked her to not tell anyone the information that I was going to confide in her,\ after she promised that she wouldn’t tell anyone I told her to look on Deseret Book’s website and look at the book In Quiet Desperation and the subject matter of that specific book was what I was struggling with.
I know this friend sometimes reads this blog…. hopefully this is a post that she’ll skip over… But she called me only moments later, I can’t remember what we talked about—only that it was extremely awkward. The next day I picked her up and we went and got some Wendy’s, we went to the bench on the hill in Rock Canyon Park and ate our food on a bench. I still talk with her a lot concerning the topic of SSA, she’s becoming more and more comfortable with it. We always play the game “Who’s gay in Roz’s ward,” and then there is always me whispering in her ear how hot I think a guy is at a ward activity—and trust me, we have a lot of fun with that. She later commented on how our relationship mirrored that of Will and Grace on the popular gay-com on NBC…I’m able to help Roz understand a lot of gay world, at that moment I was able to explain the concept of the “Fag-Hag” and how that usually isn’t a desirable position.
The next person that I was able to confide my struggle in was someone who has always been there for me, Jen. (byuskybluepink.blogspot.com) she’s amazing, she slaps me upside the head at least 4 times a day, she’s my institute buddy, and whenever I’m in the mood for a Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme, and a large Mountain Dew Baja Blast she’s always game. My dear friend, Jen also has this horrible luck when it comes to guys. Any guy that she’s ever had a crush on has turned out gay. For example Lance Bass, a former coworker, (not confirmed as of yet, but my gaydar works 100% of the time 60% of the time—and I just HAD to throw in an Anchorman reference… but really folks, my gaydar is amazing) and many others. I think my favorite moment was when I asked her via text message if she thought someone was gay, she then replied “I like him, he MUST be gay!”
Okay, well this is getting ridiculously long… but you are learning a lot about me. Which is all entertaining and such. But anyway, I’m so ready for bed (or a midnight run to Wendy’s…which sounds absolutely amazing right now...)
I think tomorrow I’m going to write about all the weird relationship that I’ve had with members of the opposite sex, the friendships, relationships, the one girlfriend—and that one time I lost my VL, and YES it was with a girl. HAHA, it surprised my parents too…no worries.
Ugh, after reading through this I realized that I didn’t even talk about coming out to my parents. Which is still a very interesting experience.
There will be a continuation...whenever I get around to it. but most of you know the story from here... so I may not be as diligent at finishing this as i previously though
All of the information that was out on the web wasn’t really doing what I needed…I was coming to the conclusion that I needed to come out to someone or I was going to explode! (trust me it wouldn’t be a pretty picture) I was agonizing over it, I wondered who I could tell that wouldn’t shun me, or tell the world what a freak I was. After a moment of Prayer I was able to decide on Jim, a lawyer working in downtown Salt Lake, who randomly found me online 4 years previously—we kept in touch as he helped me get over the loss of my brother, and my struggle with other aspects of my life. I sent him the email and he was nothing but loving and understanding of my situation. He provided a listening ear whenever I had to deal with some angst, and for being a corporate attorney I was amazed he always found the time for me.
By mid February I needed some more support dealing with SSA, someone that I knew would be there no matter what time of the night it was, no matter what my mental, physical, or spiritual state of well being. I had a strong impression that I was to tell probably the most conservatively raised friends of the time, who most likely knew nothing of the subject. I was texting my friend, Roz late at night, mentioning that I needed to tell her something. I asked her to not tell anyone the information that I was going to confide in her,\ after she promised that she wouldn’t tell anyone I told her to look on Deseret Book’s website and look at the book In Quiet Desperation and the subject matter of that specific book was what I was struggling with.
I know this friend sometimes reads this blog…. hopefully this is a post that she’ll skip over… But she called me only moments later, I can’t remember what we talked about—only that it was extremely awkward. The next day I picked her up and we went and got some Wendy’s, we went to the bench on the hill in Rock Canyon Park and ate our food on a bench. I still talk with her a lot concerning the topic of SSA, she’s becoming more and more comfortable with it. We always play the game “Who’s gay in Roz’s ward,” and then there is always me whispering in her ear how hot I think a guy is at a ward activity—and trust me, we have a lot of fun with that. She later commented on how our relationship mirrored that of Will and Grace on the popular gay-com on NBC…I’m able to help Roz understand a lot of gay world, at that moment I was able to explain the concept of the “Fag-Hag” and how that usually isn’t a desirable position.
The next person that I was able to confide my struggle in was someone who has always been there for me, Jen. (byuskybluepink.blogspot.com) she’s amazing, she slaps me upside the head at least 4 times a day, she’s my institute buddy, and whenever I’m in the mood for a Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme, and a large Mountain Dew Baja Blast she’s always game. My dear friend, Jen also has this horrible luck when it comes to guys. Any guy that she’s ever had a crush on has turned out gay. For example Lance Bass, a former coworker, (not confirmed as of yet, but my gaydar works 100% of the time 60% of the time—and I just HAD to throw in an Anchorman reference… but really folks, my gaydar is amazing) and many others. I think my favorite moment was when I asked her via text message if she thought someone was gay, she then replied “I like him, he MUST be gay!”
Okay, well this is getting ridiculously long… but you are learning a lot about me. Which is all entertaining and such. But anyway, I’m so ready for bed (or a midnight run to Wendy’s…which sounds absolutely amazing right now...)
I think tomorrow I’m going to write about all the weird relationship that I’ve had with members of the opposite sex, the friendships, relationships, the one girlfriend—and that one time I lost my VL, and YES it was with a girl. HAHA, it surprised my parents too…no worries.
Ugh, after reading through this I realized that I didn’t even talk about coming out to my parents. Which is still a very interesting experience.
There will be a continuation...whenever I get around to it. but most of you know the story from here... so I may not be as diligent at finishing this as i previously though
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Another Tender Mercy of the Lord
Last night, I was at work, wearing a tie (i love wearing ties--not the point) long sleeve dress shirt, dress shirt, etcetera--the whole missionary gettup. I was helping a young man find some books, out of nowhere we strike up a conversation.
Steven: Have you served a mission?
Me: No, not yet, hopefuly soon though...
S: Oh, that's cool...I put my papers in in a few weeks, i can't wait!
M: Did you just turn 19?
S: No... I'm 22...
M: (biggest smile ever) I'm going to be an older missionary too.
at that moment I met someone who knew what I was going through. Someone who has had to stay off the awkward questions, the pain, the gossip. We looked into eachothers eyes and I knew I had a friend who has been where I am at, and now I knew I could make it through this time.
I was asked if I had served a mission over 10 times yesterday... Soon it'll stop hurting.
With that being said, I love my job. It's where I'm supposed to be.
Sorry, Samantha--you'll see part two tomorrow
Steven: Have you served a mission?
Me: No, not yet, hopefuly soon though...
S: Oh, that's cool...I put my papers in in a few weeks, i can't wait!
M: Did you just turn 19?
S: No... I'm 22...
M: (biggest smile ever) I'm going to be an older missionary too.
at that moment I met someone who knew what I was going through. Someone who has had to stay off the awkward questions, the pain, the gossip. We looked into eachothers eyes and I knew I had a friend who has been where I am at, and now I knew I could make it through this time.
I was asked if I had served a mission over 10 times yesterday... Soon it'll stop hurting.
With that being said, I love my job. It's where I'm supposed to be.
Sorry, Samantha--you'll see part two tomorrow
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Coming to terms part 1
Like everyone else here, I was always keenly aware of my attractions to members of the same gender, but I always brushed them off thinking that they'll go away. For the last few days I've been thinking of going through the journey of self-discovery and acceptance.
I remember being in 9th grade, looking over at a boy in my history class, then suddenly having this overwhelming feeling of general attraction to this young man. I brushed the feelings off, ignoring them as quickly as they came, but that moment was one that started a journey that lasted over 5 years until coming to acknowledge this attraction in my life. Soon after that I feel into the lie that is pornography. I was able to rationalize these feelings by saying to myself, “I’ll stop liking men as soon as I repent of all the horrible things that I’ve done.” I got into a horrible cycle of self-loathing, quasi repentance, fake spiritual high, and then back. All while having the façade of being the perfect “Mormonboy” (my first blog’s name)
The next moment that was pivotal in really discovering this aspect of who I really am happened when I was in the Hill Cumorah Pageant shortly after graduating high school. I got a text from someone who mentioned a porn site that I should visit, it was obviously, I replied immediately, saying that through my marvelous spiritual experience I decided that I was going to go straight. It wasn’t a complete lie at the time, since I did just develop a ridiculous girl in my cast team.
A few months after I was in the pageant, I was home—working in a department store. I remember it very distinctly- I was standing behind a cash register in the vacuum department. Thinking about a Myspace profile I saw the night before: it was of a gay RM, who had left the church and put of revealing pictures of himself. Of course I was on the search for not-so-good material when I came across that…but at that moment I felt as though I had no choice.
I was thinking that I’d lie to go out on a mission, come home, go to school, and last as long as I could in the church, end up leaving it by the time I turned 30. And be extremely bitter to everything I loved as a youth. I remember the second that thought hit me. I instantaneously started to build hallways, stairs, rooms and locks to hide that conclusion from myself. It worked for about two more months.
My life at that point was falling apart. I was making an exorbitant amount of money for someone who was barely 18, and I still wasn’t happy. I’d hit a wall, spiritually I was dead, I was stressed out, my manager and I had many a disagreement. In a moment of extreme clarity I called the company I worked for and quit. It was two days after Christmas 2005.
I spent the rest of the holidays with my family, resting, relaxing, distressing from working a very busy Christmas season in retail hell. After new years my parents went back to work and I spent the rest of my time taking care of things around the house, and slowly becoming addicted to the BYU 100 Hour Board.
On January 6th 2006 I read a question on the board that was answered by a writer who left a link to MasterFob’s essay “Getting Out, Staying In.” Clicking that link sent me on an adventure that has taken me to where I am today. Until then I didn’t know that someone could experience homosexual attractions and still be a member in good standing of the LDS Church. There I learned of Ben and his marriage to his wife Jessie, the struggle he went through, acknowledging his attractions yet choosing to not live a lifestyle that was in accordance with his natural inclinations. The thought was so foreign to me that I was completely blown away!
At that moment I was able to instantaneously reconcile all of my attractions to the same gender, because it didn’t matter as matter as long as I never acted on them!
Stay tuned for part to in Coming to Terms, about me coming out
I remember being in 9th grade, looking over at a boy in my history class, then suddenly having this overwhelming feeling of general attraction to this young man. I brushed the feelings off, ignoring them as quickly as they came, but that moment was one that started a journey that lasted over 5 years until coming to acknowledge this attraction in my life. Soon after that I feel into the lie that is pornography. I was able to rationalize these feelings by saying to myself, “I’ll stop liking men as soon as I repent of all the horrible things that I’ve done.” I got into a horrible cycle of self-loathing, quasi repentance, fake spiritual high, and then back. All while having the façade of being the perfect “Mormonboy” (my first blog’s name)
The next moment that was pivotal in really discovering this aspect of who I really am happened when I was in the Hill Cumorah Pageant shortly after graduating high school. I got a text from someone who mentioned a porn site that I should visit, it was obviously, I replied immediately, saying that through my marvelous spiritual experience I decided that I was going to go straight. It wasn’t a complete lie at the time, since I did just develop a ridiculous girl in my cast team.
A few months after I was in the pageant, I was home—working in a department store. I remember it very distinctly- I was standing behind a cash register in the vacuum department. Thinking about a Myspace profile I saw the night before: it was of a gay RM, who had left the church and put of revealing pictures of himself. Of course I was on the search for not-so-good material when I came across that…but at that moment I felt as though I had no choice.
I was thinking that I’d lie to go out on a mission, come home, go to school, and last as long as I could in the church, end up leaving it by the time I turned 30. And be extremely bitter to everything I loved as a youth. I remember the second that thought hit me. I instantaneously started to build hallways, stairs, rooms and locks to hide that conclusion from myself. It worked for about two more months.
My life at that point was falling apart. I was making an exorbitant amount of money for someone who was barely 18, and I still wasn’t happy. I’d hit a wall, spiritually I was dead, I was stressed out, my manager and I had many a disagreement. In a moment of extreme clarity I called the company I worked for and quit. It was two days after Christmas 2005.
I spent the rest of the holidays with my family, resting, relaxing, distressing from working a very busy Christmas season in retail hell. After new years my parents went back to work and I spent the rest of my time taking care of things around the house, and slowly becoming addicted to the BYU 100 Hour Board.
On January 6th 2006 I read a question on the board that was answered by a writer who left a link to MasterFob’s essay “Getting Out, Staying In.” Clicking that link sent me on an adventure that has taken me to where I am today. Until then I didn’t know that someone could experience homosexual attractions and still be a member in good standing of the LDS Church. There I learned of Ben and his marriage to his wife Jessie, the struggle he went through, acknowledging his attractions yet choosing to not live a lifestyle that was in accordance with his natural inclinations. The thought was so foreign to me that I was completely blown away!
At that moment I was able to instantaneously reconcile all of my attractions to the same gender, because it didn’t matter as matter as long as I never acted on them!
Stay tuned for part to in Coming to Terms, about me coming out
Friday, August 18, 2006
Conference?
Hey, so the evergreen conference is coming up next month. Personally I take a little different approach to the whole SSA thing... but anyone going? is it worth attending?
Anyway, at work yesterday I saw my exgirlfriends mom, that was fun. and by fun I mean awkward. wicked awkward
Also, I had a very polarizing moments at work today...A very attractive man came in today to buy a book...it was so hard, I'm checking this guy out like every five minutes and then I notice that I'm in an LDS bookstore, surrounded by pictures of Christ, amazing music, and a wonderful spirit...
it was just a very odd moment where two parts of my life, which are very much real, came crashing into eachother confusing the crizzap out of me.
I really need to actually blog about something worthwhile
Anyway, at work yesterday I saw my exgirlfriends mom, that was fun. and by fun I mean awkward. wicked awkward
Also, I had a very polarizing moments at work today...A very attractive man came in today to buy a book...it was so hard, I'm checking this guy out like every five minutes and then I notice that I'm in an LDS bookstore, surrounded by pictures of Christ, amazing music, and a wonderful spirit...
it was just a very odd moment where two parts of my life, which are very much real, came crashing into eachother confusing the crizzap out of me.
I really need to actually blog about something worthwhile
Thursday, August 17, 2006
The Break Up
I never wanted to do this, but you know what...it's your fault. You pushed me to it...But I'm officially breaking up with you. Yes, Dashboard Confessional, I mean you. I thought we really had something. When I first heard Places You Have Come to Fear the Most I knew our relationship could last...but you had to ruin it with your most recent release that you seem comfortable with calling 'music.'
I'm sorry I had to end it like this, over the internet I mean, but you weren't answering your phone.
...and now for some random Snow Patrol quotes...just because
"If I lay here, if I just lay here...would you lie with me and just forget the world?"
OH! this brings me to something... I think I've realized I might be able to take a step towards a heterosexual relationship... if I could just find someone who would be comfortable with a step above best friends but two steps under the girlfriend status and not make it awkward...I think it could work.
but for now, it's just me, my Macbook, and my amazing taste in movies
I'm sorry I had to end it like this, over the internet I mean, but you weren't answering your phone.
...and now for some random Snow Patrol quotes...just because
"If I lay here, if I just lay here...would you lie with me and just forget the world?"
OH! this brings me to something... I think I've realized I might be able to take a step towards a heterosexual relationship... if I could just find someone who would be comfortable with a step above best friends but two steps under the girlfriend status and not make it awkward...I think it could work.
but for now, it's just me, my Macbook, and my amazing taste in movies
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Pageant Application
I know I already blogged about this, but it's that pageant-y time of year again, well--atleast for the applications. So I posted a link. Honestly, it was the best 2.5 weeks of my life, it was absolutely amazing. So...y'all should apply.
It's been over 8 months since I've come to terms with my same-sex attraction, and my life has changed SO much. I've been so much more honest about my feelings to myself, to my friends, acquaintances, and church leaders. I've grown in so many ways, found out a lot of holes in my spiritual fortress, and have slowly began to patch them up. I've also learned that the straight and narrow path isn't a straight line that takes you neatly from point A to point B...it will take you EVERYWHERE.
anyway. I'm done. Have a good one kids!
--AtP
It's been over 8 months since I've come to terms with my same-sex attraction, and my life has changed SO much. I've been so much more honest about my feelings to myself, to my friends, acquaintances, and church leaders. I've grown in so many ways, found out a lot of holes in my spiritual fortress, and have slowly began to patch them up. I've also learned that the straight and narrow path isn't a straight line that takes you neatly from point A to point B...it will take you EVERYWHERE.
anyway. I'm done. Have a good one kids!
--AtP
Monday, August 14, 2006
I hate that look, you know... the look that you give young men who are 19 or 20 who aren't on missions. The awkward face where you start to ask a question, but then you suddenly realize that it wouldn't be appropriate in this situation. Or, you feel like being a jerk and actually continue ASKING the question.
*le sigh* I guess finding a new ward isn't going to solve anything. Oh, they also found out how old I was at Deseret Book, first they're slightly annoyed that I have the position I do at my age...then I got that awkward, "mission" facial expression from everyone. The only one who hasn't done it has been the store manager, that guy is amazing.
I wish I could feel safe in telling them what really is happening, the fact that I was flagged because I was honest on my mission papers, and then the 1st presidency decided that it would be best for me to have a set time for me to wait.
I'm bitter right now, I KNOW there's a reason why I'm still here, I just need to not let everyone else cloud the picture between me and my Father. I can't let their suspicions, gossip, and derision run my life.
*le sigh* I guess finding a new ward isn't going to solve anything. Oh, they also found out how old I was at Deseret Book, first they're slightly annoyed that I have the position I do at my age...then I got that awkward, "mission" facial expression from everyone. The only one who hasn't done it has been the store manager, that guy is amazing.
I wish I could feel safe in telling them what really is happening, the fact that I was flagged because I was honest on my mission papers, and then the 1st presidency decided that it would be best for me to have a set time for me to wait.
I'm bitter right now, I KNOW there's a reason why I'm still here, I just need to not let everyone else cloud the picture between me and my Father. I can't let their suspicions, gossip, and derision run my life.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
QOTD compliments of El Veneno
"Atleast you make internet friends with girls...see, youre practically straight!"
the promotion was finallized today, they're announcing to my store on the 26th...so I think I'm just going to quit my morning job whenever I get sick of it
The Hill Cumorah Pageant Application period starts on the 15th of August. I was in the cast last summer and it was an amazing experience. I'm going to apply again for this summer
PS I'm teaching the Elder's Quorum lesson on Sunday (Ch 15 in the WW book) Any ideas?
"Atleast you make internet friends with girls...see, youre practically straight!"
the promotion was finallized today, they're announcing to my store on the 26th...so I think I'm just going to quit my morning job whenever I get sick of it
The Hill Cumorah Pageant Application period starts on the 15th of August. I was in the cast last summer and it was an amazing experience. I'm going to apply again for this summer
PS I'm teaching the Elder's Quorum lesson on Sunday (Ch 15 in the WW book) Any ideas?
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
It's happening... I'm finally facing what I'm going through and getting to the point where I can rise above it. I once again have a desire to go to the temple, a desire to grow from who I am, into who He knows I can be, a desire to serve in whatever capacity I can, a desire to share who I am, and a desire to share with others the knowledge I've gained through my journey here in this place
Don't look back.
Don't look back.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
an excerpt from my thought process during sacrament meeting..
"Ugh, Bro. (expletive delete) just got up to share is testimony...wait. story-mony, dear God, please let something land on my head and kill me.
...
I wonder if I threw the tissue box cover (which is quite heavy and made of glass, sitting right next to the podium) with enough force if it'll kill Bro (Expletive delete).
...
Wow... I just thought about murdering some old man in my ward...i'm sure Jesus would be pissed. Hopefully He was too busy listening to Bro. (expletive delete not to notice me plotting someone's death"
And that was the end of that chapter, I feel a llittle guilty, but not too bad. hahaha
Anyway, my friend just recently acquired a boyfriend, I'm happy for her (Infact I just asked if i could be her maid of honor--No reply as of yet) although it makes me slightly jealous... but that lead for some more thinking on my part...which i'm becoming fast convinced that me thinking is never, ever a good thing.
I'm too a point in my life that all I want is for someone to be there to hold me, I still feel attracted to men, but the attraction to females is growing little by little...almost to the point where I could almost ask somone a girl on a date...and not feel like I'm lying to her. Now just finding a girl that I could stomach dating, or kissing.
Sorry, my blog never has any well formulated thoughts or ideas... but, i've learned from Sam and Ward that it's my blog...so if you don't follow it, go screw yourself =D (said with the most love possible)
Anywa, I've rambled enough for this evening. g'night kids!
"Ugh, Bro. (expletive delete) just got up to share is testimony...wait. story-mony, dear God, please let something land on my head and kill me.
...
I wonder if I threw the tissue box cover (which is quite heavy and made of glass, sitting right next to the podium) with enough force if it'll kill Bro (Expletive delete).
...
Wow... I just thought about murdering some old man in my ward...i'm sure Jesus would be pissed. Hopefully He was too busy listening to Bro. (expletive delete not to notice me plotting someone's death"
And that was the end of that chapter, I feel a llittle guilty, but not too bad. hahaha
Anyway, my friend just recently acquired a boyfriend, I'm happy for her (Infact I just asked if i could be her maid of honor--No reply as of yet) although it makes me slightly jealous... but that lead for some more thinking on my part...which i'm becoming fast convinced that me thinking is never, ever a good thing.
I'm too a point in my life that all I want is for someone to be there to hold me, I still feel attracted to men, but the attraction to females is growing little by little...almost to the point where I could almost ask somone a girl on a date...and not feel like I'm lying to her. Now just finding a girl that I could stomach dating, or kissing.
Sorry, my blog never has any well formulated thoughts or ideas... but, i've learned from Sam and Ward that it's my blog...so if you don't follow it, go screw yourself =D (said with the most love possible)
Anywa, I've rambled enough for this evening. g'night kids!
Friday, August 04, 2006
http://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/20030219-2.gif
This was cool, I've enjoyed reading these blogs a lot. Actually it was the Ben's article that he wrote that finally help me come to terms with my sexual attraction. Anywho. it's so time for me to finish watching a movie. Have a great saturday
http://www.sltrib.com/ci_4136232
okay kids (maybe i shouldn't write that..i'm pretty mch the youngest person in this area of blogland) but this is for your viewing pleasure
This was cool, I've enjoyed reading these blogs a lot. Actually it was the Ben's article that he wrote that finally help me come to terms with my sexual attraction. Anywho. it's so time for me to finish watching a movie. Have a great saturday
http://www.sltrib.com/ci_4136232
okay kids (maybe i shouldn't write that..i'm pretty mch the youngest person in this area of blogland) but this is for your viewing pleasure
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
I'm meeting with the regional manager sometime next week to see if I'm the right person for the new supervisor position at DB. I hope he doesn't ask why I'm not on a mission.
Tonight while I was restocking I was in the Self Improvement section and ran accross In Quiet Desperation and other books dealing with Same-Gender Attraction that we carry...so, I started thinking (never a good thing) Umm what do I say to someone who brings up that book? What should I say, what should I do? I want them to know they're people out there who understand...but I also don't need any more rumors flying round Prozac Valley about me.
This whole supervisor thing really has my plan messed up, can I really just up and hopefully transfer stores 4 months after I get a promotion? I still want to go to the LDSBC, but now my crystal clear plan that seemed so perfect doesn't seem so anymore.
I think I need to buy the book The Zeezrom Syndrome (?) I think that's what it's called, anywho, I need a spiritual drop kick in the face, and the courage to go talk to my bishop...that could help.
on a different note
My birthday present to myself (the macbook) will FINALLY be here tomorrow.
Okay I think I've properly mulled everything over, time for bed!
Tonight while I was restocking I was in the Self Improvement section and ran accross In Quiet Desperation and other books dealing with Same-Gender Attraction that we carry...so, I started thinking (never a good thing) Umm what do I say to someone who brings up that book? What should I say, what should I do? I want them to know they're people out there who understand...but I also don't need any more rumors flying round Prozac Valley about me.
This whole supervisor thing really has my plan messed up, can I really just up and hopefully transfer stores 4 months after I get a promotion? I still want to go to the LDSBC, but now my crystal clear plan that seemed so perfect doesn't seem so anymore.
I think I need to buy the book The Zeezrom Syndrome (?) I think that's what it's called, anywho, I need a spiritual drop kick in the face, and the courage to go talk to my bishop...that could help.
on a different note
My birthday present to myself (the macbook) will FINALLY be here tomorrow.
Okay I think I've properly mulled everything over, time for bed!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
