Sunday, August 27, 2006

Having a bad day.

I really don't like angst.

*le sigh*

My parents asked what was wrong, there are a lot of things going well.. but let's focus on the negative just because I'm in a pissy mood, and this is my blog.

I'm the new project in Elders Quorum, my bishop everytime he shakes my hand has that, "I'm so sorry" look in his eyes but he doesn't know how to help, in gospel doctrine they kept repeating the phrase "every young man needs to serve a mission." I felt more than one set of eyes land on myself. That felt absolutely wonderful. Oh, I also like guys--incase anyone didn't catch that.

When will attending church stop hurting? When can I go and have a positive experience?

I want to run away again, but I'm too scared to do it. I really need to take some time off of everything and go away for a while. like literally leave this place and put myself back together.

Also, recently the only thing that has kept me from "acting out" has been fear, not the love of the Gospel and Christ as it should be. I need to realign my focus.

but I'm lazy, so I'll probably just take a nap, wake up and spend way too much time watching movies or reading a pointless, badly written book.


Samantha said...

Okay--just for you, ATP.
1. Every young man does NOT need to serve a mission. Naturally, if that's what you want to do, it would be an incredible experience--but don't go for anyone except you and the Big Guy.
2. Everyone hates to be a project--you can be mine, okay? Then you can let everyone in EQ know that I've already laid claim to you and I'm very possessive, so they need to BACK OFF (don't mention my size here, or they won't be as intimidated--and if you'd like, I'll send you an engraved "Samantha's Project" certificate, notorized, of course).

3. Church will stop hurting when you stop worrying about what other people think. Look in the mirror and work on thumbing your nose. Practice daily for a week--then try it during church. I promise, you'll feel better (and that will be a positive experience).
4. If you run away, make sure you have a place to go. Sleeping in the streets sucks. Also, make sure you'll still have a job waiting for you if you decide to come back because not having money sucks, too.
5. Hmmm...not acting out because you're afraid? Bad reason. I suggest you look for a better one, or throw in the towel (*Sam ducks all the rocks being thrown at her for this comment*).
Have a nice nap. I love you!!

Dawn said...

Going to Church hurts me too. I cried on the way home yesterday. Sure we hurt for different reasons, but hurt HURTS!

I get lines like "I think I'm going to faint! She's here TWO Sundays in a row, let me sit down!" (from my home teacher thank you very much). It was at this point I wanted to be VERY unlady like, yell "BITE ME!" and run back out to my car.

I get looks too, but I get "Poor unmarried you." looks. *sigh* Its so much fun to be 29, not married, not seeing anyone, childless AND Mormon.

I'm the only member in my family. If Martha isn't there, I sit in the lobby by myself.

If you need to get away, you know that you are more than welcome here.

I'm here if you need to talk. You know I love you.

Loyalist (with defects) said...

In a very parlimenarian procedure I have to say that "I second Samantha's entire statement".

Life is truly between you and Father. Don't let others, no matter what get in the way.

When I've been in EQ's that behave like yours is I will find the most lonely looking person (I can guarantee it won't be you) and sit beside them. Make "them" your project. Help them feel welcome and encourage them with your testimony. Be the missionary now - don't wait for the ok. Before I went out (before the "raised bar" regulations) I spent some time dressing like a missionary, living like an missionary (up at 6 am bed by 10, reading scriptures and praying every moment and plain just being a missionary - I asked to be assigned the tough HT routes. I prayed for those families as well.

One of the great things my father taught me (he's deaf - so there is some humor in it)was to "smile - it keeps them guessing". This is so true.

There are lots of us out here routing for you and love you.

Loyalist (with defects) said...

Atp, please delete this and one of my other "double" comments. sometimes computers just love to hate me. :-)