Wednesday, August 23, 2006

i typed this at 2 AM don't judge me... but part three...

Well, here I am continuing in the condensed travel log of yours truly. At the end of the last post I was speaking of coming out to my best friend byuskybluepink. And here is where I actually loose track of who I told in my life. I was still posting on with frequency dabbling more and more into blogging about my struggle with SSA (which has been a huge asset, I have my straight blog and then this one.)

In late April of this year I read a posting on the D2 mailing list about FHE at the Matis’ home (they were the co-authors of In Quiet desperation… by the way, who has read that book?) Going to FHE would be a huge risk, I have never met someone under the pretense of struggling with SSA. In fact, I think I almost wet myself when I thought of it with any sort of regularity.

That Monday came, in the evening I started my drive to their house, I think I was praying the entire way. But completely to my surprise when I rang the doorbell a shorter woman opened the door and gave me a hug that was so needed, next her husband got up out of his sofa chair and gave me a hug as well it was the closest thing to being hugged by Christ I knew of at the time. Those hugs told me many things, that they knew where I was in my struggle, they knew my pain, they’ve seen what I’ve gone through, they would do anything they could for me. It was everything that I needed and more. We had an excellent fireside with the first president of the Palmyra Temple, then cheesecake and cookies afterward with some amazing conversation. Marilyn was speaking to me, she asked if I told my parents of my struggle… I lowered my head and mentioned that I hadn’t.

II then told her the story of my older brother, his choice to be active in that lifestyle, the drugs, and eventually his death. I mentioned that everything was extremely compounded by that. She told me that I should prayerfully consider telling them.

I went home feeling whole, loved and needed. Mostly I felt like I was ready to tell my parents—something I planned on never, ever doing.

Two days later I yelled through the bathroom wall at my mom who was brushing her teeth that I needed to talk to her. She immediately finished and came out. I told her that I really needed to talk to her; she could tell I was very apprehensive about the conversation at hand. After a few moments I had my thoughts and action plan formulated in my mind… It went something like this.

AtP: Mom… I have a very… well, let’s say, interesting blessing in my life
Mom: .odd look.
Atp: Well, I struggle with same-sex attraction
Mom: blank stare
AtP: I know it had to be hard, but I know that I’m going to follow what I know to be true through the gospel of Jesus Christ … I have a book you should read.

Then I hand over to my mom a copy of In Quiet Desperation.

It was really difficult and my mom had no desire to talk about it, but I continually brought it up, I needed their approval, I needed her help, I needed her understanding. It was really difficult for me because that day whenever I tried to bring it up she would start crying. I remember very little of what she actually said, but I know that she wasn’t happy…

Later that night my dad walked into my mom’s study and sees her reading the book. Moments later I walk in. My dad asked my mom what she was reading, she turned the book over and my dad suddenly looked at me. At that moment as I looked into his eyes I saw everything that he ever wished for his family leave his eyes. They became empty and hollow when he looked at me.

I couldn’t handle it, I grabbed my blanket and went into the den to watch the Chronicles of Narnia, moments later my mother comes down and just says that my dad needed time to get over this “shocking news.”

He still doesn’t talk to me unless it’s necessary.


Dawn said...

You are AMAZING to me ... but then I tell you that all the time *hugs*

Elizabeth-W said...

I think you did well to hand your mom the book. Maybe the next thing is to print out all the articles that have been in the Ensign recently, or some of the articles on Evergreen (I actually knew about Evergreen when you were in diapers practically). The less time she has to create worst-case scenarios is a good thing. Arm her (and through her, your dad) with good information, helpful information.

Loyalist (with defects) said...

I know as a father that our love for our children is beyond anything I can fully explain. I am sure that he still very much loves you, cares for you, and will do anything to protect you. I suspect he blames himself and doesn’t know what to do. If he honors who he is as your father he will return to you.

Elizabeth_w is right though; arm your parents with the good knowledge. On top of that let them see you working with the Lord. They will see your sincerity and want to help and be by your side.

You are brave and courageous telling your family. You have done more than I ever did.

I feel for you. May you be blessed.

compulsive writer said...

Hope you don't mind an encouraging word from a stranger. I found your blog via elizabeth-w and I just wanted to tell you to hang in there. Being honest with your parents did take a lot of courage. The bottom line is that your parents love you and want the best for you, even if through the struggles with your pain and theirs they have a difficult time expressing it or you have a difficult time seeing it.

God loves you too and will bless you. You will be in my prayers.