Afraid.

I'll just say that Samantha's comments were very, very timely. If we didn't talk before I hung out with The First Kiss I would've been a huge mess the ENTIRE night. Thank you.

Along the same line of things I almost threw up about four times tonight.

I really want to become this person I know I can be... but then I have all this crap that is being thrown around inside of me. I want it to go away, or atleast not having my insides being tossed around

*Le Sigh*

Me: Why am I stressed out about hanging out with The First Kiss?

Ken: You like her? Well, you ARE also on the rebound.

Me: Dang, youre right.

On a random note, yesterday there was this wicked awesome Tshirt stand, one of the shirts there had "SL, UT" on it. I think i'm going to buy it next time I'm up there...

there's also a bunch of shirts on the French Connection United Kingdom website that have the company's acronym in suggestive phrases. Good times

An Open Response to an Email

After spending most of the day up north looking at dorms, hanging out with El Veneno (and trying to set him up with a friend of mine...too bad I'm not 'so premium' at mixed orientation match making...yet:-D)

I came home and checked my email. Too many, I skimmed through them, then noticing one from a person I thought I would never see in my inbox again. it was a little unnerving to be honest. This is the person who was at FHE the first of October, he asked for my phone number and I gave him a fake one--then blogged about it. if you can't recall this post, it's the first post in October. And since this is my blog, I decided to reply on my blog instead of email--because it'd be fun, and I need to post today. I also know that this person reads my blog--So hear it goes!

There are several points I want to cover Mr. C and since it's late I'll probably miss quite a few before I lose interest and I'll just post this incomplete. Let me preface this by saying that I understand what you wrote, your email was heartfelt and I applaud you for that

1. You said I'm very lucky to have so many friends and so much support. You are right, I'm very lucky to have a vast support group of people I can call on at any time if I ever need anything. I'm very blessed to have such a group of people--and whenever I remember to pray, (consistant prayer is a weakness of mine) my mo-ho (This is a Tito Term for Mormon Homosexual, spread it like wildfire kids!) friends are at the top of the list of things I'm grateful for.

2. You also said that what I wrote about you and your friend "was really mean." and also "cutting and hurtful" My response to that is, THIS IS MY BLOG! This is my place to dump whatever I'm feeling out and not let it fester inside of me. To clue you in to what I was going through at the time you asked for my phone number let me explain the following. A few days earlier I received an email with very sexual comments in it--this person also physically resembes you, and then had people express interest in meeting me which violated every bit of anonymity I thought I had. Then you come up and ask for my phone number after metting you three minutes prior. Red flags went up, and I went into "Creep Alert Mode." I wasn't in the mood for a heart to heart and sharing feelings with someone who was scaring the crap out of me.

3. In the later part of your email you mentioned that I should be your friends with your friends And this is my reply. I've met the guys you are talking about, they're very nice and quite genuine, and I'm sure they're just down right amazing kids. But there is a point that every gay mormon reaches where they can't be friends with every single other gay mormon out there! I'm at the point now where I'm looking for friends that I actually click with on more than just the sexuality thing. I'm SO bored of the gay topic, and I feel that with them--that's all we'd have in common.

It's great to have friends with similar life experiences, but there isn't a point beating the dead gay horse any more in my life. If it happens to come up in conversation, that's fine! I'm okay with that! It does need to be talked about. But I will NOT be anyones friend JUST because we're both gay and mormon.

4. My Dead Gay Brother's Last Boyfriend (hereby known as MDGBLB) is a mutual acquaintance of ours. In fact, as soon as someone whispered it was you, I had to meet you in person because MDGBLB talked about you before. You wrote some true things about him. He doesn't believe in the church anymore. MDGBLB was there for me, he's always made sure that I was surviving. And from the mean things you've said to him (I believe "slutty cum dumpster" was one of those not so nice phrases you used--although complete hearsay, MDGBLB could have made that up) but I think you need a lesson on Christlike communication.

5. You also blamed me for ruining the experience you had at FHE. That's how you CHOSE to react about what I wrote. You could have brushed it off and said that it was the opinion of one person, yet you let it fester inside. Your fault, and never ever blame my writing for ruining something for you ever again.

Like I earlier predicted I'm bored with this topic. But the snow outside my window is pretty... i'll think I'll write about that next.

I'm going to try this one more time

There is so much going on inside me. I can't really figure any of it out.

I don't quite know how to say it, but I'm going through cuddling withdrawals. It's been about a week (give or take a few hours) and when I have some alone time, all I can think about is how nice it would be if I could just hold some one's hand. That was so hard for me to write because I never wanted to admit to myself that I ever wanted that. Anyway, suffice it to say that I'm sorta experiencing some emotional crap-ocity right now.

Even though I want to jump someone, I have this sense of peace that what I did was the right thing for me to do. I know I won't ever regret that actions that I had to take to cut off contact with a certain individual...but I do acknowledge that it's been really hard because I just want to be held.

When I need to be held I feel that God loves me and I'll make it through. When I feel like giving up, He is telling me that He has more in store for me in this life than just living a homosexual lifestyle. He loves me, and that is the only reason why I haven't jumped off the deep end.

On a completely different note, I'm handing over my title as the youngest member in the queerosphere to my very, very good friend Sully He's entirely too heady and serious, but lets not hold that against him.

Okay kids, it's no where near as long or descriptive as I wanted to be--I'm still working on it, anyway enjoy your Sunday

A little less straight

Those of you who know me personally most likely know my infatuation with GoFugYourself. Poorly dressed celebrities experiencing red carpet burn, Lindsey Lohan caught at her worst, and very unflattering pictures of Jessica Simpson. I mean--who couldn't love that.

Also most of you know that I have an unfailing crush on Nelly Furtado, her super-ballad Try from Folklore, and then Afraid from her most recent album Loose--they're pretty much in my top 25 most played in my Itunes music library--they're amazing. Not to mention she's pretty

My crush on Nelly Furtado ended at 6:52 PM after I saw this. I still can't believe it's her, but after some thorough investigation it was confirmed this is ACTUALLY Nelly furtado... She's hideous.



I didn't know it was possible, but after this, i'm a little bit more gay. I Just hope Natalie Portman doesn't turn on me or I'll be doomed For those of you who are my friends, I'll be in mourning the loss of my hetero celebrity crush until Sunday evening at this time.

Starting Fresh. Again

Last night I took the steps I felt like I needed to. It was refreshing.

I closed a door; although it was only on one person it felt like I gave up more than just that more-than-friendship-but-not-quite-a-relationship deal, it was more permanent, I feel like, for the first time I actually put everything on the alter--well everything in my life so far on the alter.

I'm preparing for my world to crash around me--so far most things seem intact. I still need to talk to a few people. I'll try to do that on Sunday.

I'm listening to Christmas music. I've never liked it before and it's weird.

I drove around in my car tonight listening to This Day & Age with the windows down, and the heater on. It felt like summer again. Lines of lyrics like "Just promise me you'll always leave the ground," and "i don't blame you for questioning why people fall in love its all the things you were taught to run from"

Oh, it's pretty much official, I'm going to go to school winter semester. I'm definitely excited.

I wish I knew what to really say, but I just don't. It's coming to me, and I'll be able to write about it eventually. but... I can't find the words right now.

A Decision Made

Peace for now... Opposition will come later

Keep it real kids. ;-)

dreams are lame

I remember in my AP psych class that when we talk about dreams we shouldn't piece it together and try to make the concious understand the subconscious

so here it goes.

I was with him again, watching a movie like I found ourselves doing time and time again. I was sitting very close to him and wanted to have him just hold me, we started holding hands again except there was no blanket to hide under like the first time we held hands... no point either, we were alone. It was in a basement. I felt this intense desire to be held by him again.

I woke up, readjusted my down comforter, switched sides. The dream still included him in it, but he played a less important role.

vague and random--it's best to stay away

There's something I've been trying to blog about for weeks, except it's still off in the ether and I haven't been able to grasp it.

choice?
regret?
God?
change?
Friendship?


A few weeks ago, I was tired. Now i'm exhausted. My solution only perpetuated my spiritual, emotional, and physical fatigue. This is reminiscent of last year at this time...


"When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago." -- Friedrich Nietzsche (Thanks for that one Samantha--i can't stand reading Nietzsche long enough to find little gems like that)

I find myself at a point where I've found myself before, when I was barely 16 I found myself in the same mess of needing to leave a situation, but always finding myself longing to be in it again. I can see the cycle, where i'm at in it, and I think I know why it's happening. Now, since I can see myself I need to act appropriately. Yet, when I've left before, I always had everything lined up...it's always been calculated, can I walk the line long enough to make a smooth transition, or does this need to be more jarring than usual?

I do think an award is in order though, along with being the youngest regular posting member in the queerosphere (and also the most attractive (HAHAHA)) I must say I deserve the "Most Vague" superlative...

I did a lot of laundry today, and vacuumed my room. Now it smells like Tide with Febreeze. I added a faith and teachings section on my bookshelves. I've been burning up the Camille CD today on my laptop...the French music has really been the perfect soundtrack for the day.

Tales From Your Local Inspirational Bookstore

The seasonal help is starting at the bookstore, there is a new girl that is so awesome... She moved to Utah about three weeks after joining a church a short time ago. Let me set the scene...

There was a family that was wrapped in hick garb. The patriarch of the family had his boots on, hat that resembled something a civil war soldier would wear, and a vest. His sons, miniature versions of him. The matriarch was the female version of him, sans hat. They were a close family, the children minded their parents and they were overall great customers.

After the family left, the new girl walked over to me, and said, "Do you know what I love about Utah? There are all these hill-billy families... They drive into 'town' and you notice the shock on their faces, almost like they've never seen civilization before.

(and the best part...)

You'd almost expect them to come here with sticks in their hair, they're so endearing!"

Hilarious...absolutely friggin' hilarious!

Things going on in my life...

I need to update.

the only thing I can think of is a realization I had...

When people say, "it's your choice," they OBVIOULSY disapprove of what you want to do. but understand youre a big kid.

it's a bright thing NOT to do it.

*yawn*

THe lesson went well--thanks for all the encouraging test messages, emails, calls--they were very much appreciated.

I spent the day with The First Kiss who is now at BYU. She came over after Church and played cards wtih my family, when I was later driving her home she said, "I miss rednecks" it made me wicked happy.

Okay, I will update....and it'll be amazing.

anyway, I'm out, time for sleep

EQ Lesson...The Remix

You think for someone who is SSA/Homo/Gay teaching a lesson on "Faitfully Enduring Trials and opposition" would be a little easier.

but I got nothin' two quotes and an idea that really won't work as much as I'd like it to

...

Don't Look Back

FOX 13 Interview

I got home a bit too late to catch the Fox 13 of "Gay, Mormon, & Married" So I logged onto their website and was SO not impressed. First of all I felt so misrepresented--The first guy telling us that the only way we can be happy is to live our lives according to our attractions. His portion of the interview was like watching that Oprah episode on lesbians who used to be married...except this guy was white, had an unsavory neck, and didn't look as put together as O-town usually does. I felt like he was telling me the only way for me to enjoy my life was to give in, give up, and leave everything I love.

Then our very own Fob came on the air--less Oprah, but I still felt so misrepresented.

Ugh, it's late, and I don't have the energy to talk about this anymore. Let's just say I thought the interview sucked, and put the church and E.G. in an unattractive light. I don't agree with everything E.G. says, but they should've been given more than 15 seconds and a bad camera angle that emphasized David Pruden's odd looking gut and neck. And then the foreboding flashing of "Coming Out Straight" and, "Resolving Homosexual Problems" yeah, that wasn't cool either.

A Few Firsts

Okay, we'll get back to our ordinary schedule of angst, David Linn pictures, and saying bad things about people in my ward soon. but.... here are a few firsts from last night

1) I let someone drive my car, it's not that I'm protective of the junker--it's that I'm too paranoid to let anyone else drive it. My car is tempermental and most people can't handle it.
2) I invited people to my house. I usually try to stay away from this place at all costs--but a bunch of people came over, met the Mommy Monster, then had some hot chocolate.
3) I watched a movie outside on my macbook, in near freezing temperatures
4) Hmmm I also slept in until church started...which is at 12:30. My sleep cycle is SO messed up right now. I'll make it a goal of mine to get to bed at a decent hour, or to stop needing large amounts of sleep.

Text Messaging Fiasco

I was at Zupas for lunch with Stephalumpagus and I started to get some very curious text messages. I finally figured out who it was-- a girl who has been a little forward with her interest in me in the past. the conversation is as follows

CGWWTDATP (Crazy Girl Who Wanted To Do AtP): Hey this is CGWWTDAtP--what's up?
AtP: Not too much... (and with severe peer pressure from Stephalumpagus, i continued the text with...) Oh, and I should tell you, I'm gay now
CGWWTDATP: Wow, the last billion guys I have liked all go gay...but I have those temptations too

Wow. Some poor innocent girl just confessed lesbianism to me via text. She then went all preachy on me. Little did she know who she was really talking about. After awhile it just got annoying and i told her to have a good day.

but it is kinda funny.

...

it's a little past 11 PM. And I can't figure out why I'm scared to be home. I guess i'm sorry to those people I keep out so late, I just don't like being here and feeling alone.

I really wish I knew what I could blog about...

SSG: The Meltdown

Well kids, the Stupid Straight Guy struck again last night, with avengence. The dialogue is as follows

SSG: Sorry I had to have you come in and help, I feel so gay.
Me: Gay as in you like guys, or gay is in you feel stupid?
SSG: Gay as in a I feel dumb, you don't say gay here in utah?
Me: Some people do, but I don't--my oldest brother was gay, now he's dead--and I loved him very much
SSG: *laughs awkwardly*

Hmph, it's been a weird few days. I need to think about this some more...