Towards the end of October 2006 I was jealous. I had been communicating with several people, learning more about them and how they’ve dealt with the issue, and when I learned of past transgressions I was jealous. I wanted to be able to experience that too and be able to bounce back stronger than ever.
This, as you can imagine, caused a great deal of angst.
After a few conversations with good friends, some time on my knees I got an answer I didn’t think I’d ever get from my Father in Heaven, “AtP, [yes, God often calls me by my blogging acronym] you can do whatever you wish to do. This is YOUR choice: not Samantha’s, or Tito’s, or anyone else’s. It is only yours. Just know that if you choose to leave the gospel I can’t bless you as much as I want.
Has anyone else wet their pants because they just got a scary answer from God? A whole world was open to me. I had options! I could choose how many blessings I would receive in this life. I was responsible for the happiness I’d have in this life and more so in the next…that’s freaking scary!
Since then I’ve sat in this awful fence-sitting predicament. I’m hoping it ends soon.
About Me
- AttemptingthePath
- I’m a twenty-nothing who is trying desperately to figure out my seemingly complicated life that includes being a SSA/Homo/Gay/Whatever Mormon that has pathetically little control over my emotions. By day, I sell priestcrafts (“Have you heard of the new John Bytheway fireside on DVD?” It’s 20% off right now) to old women, who, in fact, think I’m quite endearing and buy four of said DVD. I’m going to pretend that the inverse of the previous statement isn’t necessary because I don’t think it’s any of your business what I do by night. I’ve been described as “adorable, yet offensive,” (OriginalMohomie, 2007) and “Immature.” (Master FOB, numerous occasions) I am still in love with Natalie Portman, hooded-sweatshirts, and quoting movies. And just like my last “about me”, this one is going to peter out at the end. Just … like … now.
11 comments:
That is the feeling that pervaded my nightmares as a child - the sense that there's this huge, open void that I had to fill, or I'd just fall in. The choices belong entirely to us, and the consequences are pretty much set. And sometimes what we think is in our best interests really isn't.
I've often pondered the whole 'bouncing back stronger' idea, but the analogy of a tree facing the elements cleared it up for me. Sure, a tree might bend in the wind and come back up, but it knows nothing of the strength of the tree that stands up to the wind. We have to be flexible, but we don't want to just lay down. The real strength comes in standing up for the things that we believe in.
In my opinion, you should do what you feel is right. What you truly believe in will guide your path. If you feel like you should try dating (and set certain boundaries on it) you should try it. If you feel like you should never try it, you shouldn't. Follow your heart and go from there.
About the coming back stronger thing, I agree that it works, because it did for me. I probably wouldn't have the testimony I have if I didn't go through it but as drex said, you don't know if you can come back. I'll say now that I was really lucky to make it back. I went down a very bad road. One full of sin...
I hope that you will find the answers that you seek and remember that God is always there for you. I always find it best to spill my heart out to him in times of questioning.
Despite constant warnings by church leaders, I see this sort of pervasive belief among the mohos (and sometimes myself) that dabbling and experimenting won't have any long term effects (thanks to the atonement). I'm not at liberty to share some of the private things I've learned about people's choices and consequences, but it AMAZES me how true it is that we're way better off having not sinned at all than having sinned and repented. It's not that we can't be just as clean, but the diversion makes 'straight and narrow' harder and longer.
Of course you have options, and the whole fence=sitting thing, that's your choice; you've got to make the decision to not fence sit. Waiting for it won't help it to happen.
I love what Alma says about our choices, "I know that [God] granteth unto men according to their desire, whether it be unto death or unto life; yea, I know that he allotteth unto men, yea, decreeth unto them decrees which are unalterable, according to their wills, whether they be unto salvation or unto destruction." It's kind of scary to realize that our happiness is in our hands. Like you said, how much you are blessed is up to you. The Lord wants to give you everything... literally. He wants you to have everything that he has, but he can't give it to you if you aren't willing to do what it takes. I have just been amazed in my own life that the Lord is so quick to bless and comfort us when we turn to Him. And L is right, is it MUCH easier to avoid the sin and to go on with your life. Coming back is hell (you said that yourself). Make the decision you truly believe will make you the happiest and get off that darn fence. You can't sit there forever, you will fall (and from personal experience, you hardly ever land on the safe side). Love you.
I wish God would call me by my blog name!
:) I love you. You are going to be just fine.
I am not sure I ever bounced back. In fact, I think I am still on the ground, and not sure I want to get up yet? Now...that is a very scary place to be. I promise.
At a BYU Devotional back in 1995, Marie K. Hafen (a part-time English instructor at BYU) said:
Planning to sin now in the rehearsal and repent later in real life is like walking across the stage of your life with the trapdoor double size and wide open
Silly--as if I would ever make a choice for you. I just watch you wiggle around and wonder if your brain will ever kick in over your -- well, you know...
I love you. Keep listening to The Big Guy.
I like how samantha wants to see you wiggle around - I love that word - and its so true, how the bigger picture sees us wiggling around, and probably laughs sometimes...and waits just long enough for us to almost lose all hope - and then bam! - I mean - BAM! the light and peace overcomes us....
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