After spending most of the day up north looking at dorms, hanging out with El Veneno (and trying to set him up with a friend of mine...too bad I'm not 'so premium' at mixed orientation match making...yet:-D)
I came home and checked my email. Too many, I skimmed through them, then noticing one from a person I thought I would never see in my inbox again. it was a little unnerving to be honest. This is the person who was at FHE the first of October, he asked for my phone number and I gave him a fake one--then blogged about it. if you can't recall this post, it's the first post in October. And since this is my blog, I decided to reply on my blog instead of email--because it'd be fun, and I need to post today. I also know that this person reads my blog--So hear it goes!
There are several points I want to cover Mr. C and since it's late I'll probably miss quite a few before I lose interest and I'll just post this incomplete. Let me preface this by saying that I understand what you wrote, your email was heartfelt and I applaud you for that
1. You said I'm very lucky to have so many friends and so much support. You are right, I'm very lucky to have a vast support group of people I can call on at any time if I ever need anything. I'm very blessed to have such a group of people--and whenever I remember to pray, (consistant prayer is a weakness of mine) my mo-ho (This is a Tito Term for Mormon Homosexual, spread it like wildfire kids!) friends are at the top of the list of things I'm grateful for.
2. You also said that what I wrote about you and your friend "was really mean." and also "cutting and hurtful" My response to that is, THIS IS MY BLOG! This is my place to dump whatever I'm feeling out and not let it fester inside of me. To clue you in to what I was going through at the time you asked for my phone number let me explain the following. A few days earlier I received an email with very sexual comments in it--this person also physically resembes you, and then had people express interest in meeting me which violated every bit of anonymity I thought I had. Then you come up and ask for my phone number after metting you three minutes prior. Red flags went up, and I went into "Creep Alert Mode." I wasn't in the mood for a heart to heart and sharing feelings with someone who was scaring the crap out of me.
3. In the later part of your email you mentioned that I should be your friends with your friends And this is my reply. I've met the guys you are talking about, they're very nice and quite genuine, and I'm sure they're just down right amazing kids. But there is a point that every gay mormon reaches where they can't be friends with every single other gay mormon out there! I'm at the point now where I'm looking for friends that I actually click with on more than just the sexuality thing. I'm SO bored of the gay topic, and I feel that with them--that's all we'd have in common.
It's great to have friends with similar life experiences, but there isn't a point beating the dead gay horse any more in my life. If it happens to come up in conversation, that's fine! I'm okay with that! It does need to be talked about. But I will NOT be anyones friend JUST because we're both gay and mormon.
4. My Dead Gay Brother's Last Boyfriend (hereby known as MDGBLB) is a mutual acquaintance of ours. In fact, as soon as someone whispered it was you, I had to meet you in person because MDGBLB talked about you before. You wrote some true things about him. He doesn't believe in the church anymore. MDGBLB was there for me, he's always made sure that I was surviving. And from the mean things you've said to him (I believe "slutty cum dumpster" was one of those not so nice phrases you used--although complete hearsay, MDGBLB could have made that up) but I think you need a lesson on Christlike communication.
5. You also blamed me for ruining the experience you had at FHE. That's how you CHOSE to react about what I wrote. You could have brushed it off and said that it was the opinion of one person, yet you let it fester inside. Your fault, and never ever blame my writing for ruining something for you ever again.
Like I earlier predicted I'm bored with this topic. But the snow outside my window is pretty... i'll think I'll write about that next.
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2 comments:
Mr. C needs to realize that the only people that actually know who he is are you, him and MDGBLB. He needs to realize that for however pointed your remarks are, he should feel no embarrassment from the interwebs, since we don't know or care who he really is.
No one likes to be creeped out. How would Mr. C like it if some scary lecher came on to him? (Not saying he is one, but pushing a heavy point.)
Further proof that most people are starkly micro-centered on themselves.
You deal with Mr. C with a tact and genuine honesty that I often lack. At the same time, though, I need you to know that the idea "He doesn't believe in the church anymore," isn't accurate. It doesn't bother me what Mr. C thinks about how I feel about the gospel so much as it matters what you think. Many of the same things matter to both you and I in the same ways.
In the mission field, one of the first things you learn is to bear testimony often as a way to strengthen your own. Doing so reminds you what your heart doesn't always share with your head, but it all comes out in that moment.
One of the difficult things that occurs when you start to love a guy, though, is that things inside you become shattered. I remember vividly one time when your brother fell asleep at my house, and he looked so peaceful and angelic, and in my head the song "I Am a Child of God" started to play and I was asking myself, "What am I doing? I need to be protecting him from everything."
After a while of beating yourself up, you begin to create an acceptable world where you can tuck away your beliefs and feelings so you don't self-destruct and so you can keep them safe from harm. They are, after all, sacred. This process is often described as cognitive dissonance.
I've often been on the same path to self-destruction your brother took. I have no doubt that if I had continued to allow gay world and church world to pummel each other inside me, I wouldn't be walking around Utah Valley anymore, either. I've seen guys in LDS forums describing the same thing, and vowing to change, and sometimes I'll share a scripture or two with them. Something along the lines of Ezekiel 18:31-32: "Cast away from you all your transgressions ... and make you a new heart and a new spirit: for why will ye die ...? For I have no pleasure in the death of him that dieth... wherefore turn yourselves, and live ye."
I'm really proud of you and how you interact with people and organize the world around you. I have a lot to learn from you, young shaver. ;) I hope you still know how much I love you and your family.
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