Since By a Single Thread posted “Effing Plague,” I haven’t been able to get it out of my mind about how much pain homosexuality is causing.

My family for instance: my oldest brother was gay. That was, what I believe, my family’s first experience with an openly homosexual person. I found out when I was eight, but can remember instances where my brother talked about it when I was about 6. I told a few people when I was younger about my brother’s orientation at school, some overheard me and a few people relentlessly mocked me because I had gay brother. My parents had no idea what to do or handle the issue and I know it caused them incredible amounts of pain.

By a Single Thread wrote very honestly about what many of us go through. Tonight I’ve been wondering if there is a better way than just ignoring what we’re going through. There must be some fulfillment we can achieve in this life. There must be.

Moments are occurring more frequently in my life where I feel like I ‘m too far-gone, I can feel that this is wrong but those feelings are there nonetheless.

It’s past 5 am, and I can’t sleep, but I can’t think or write well…mostly because of the really long nap I took this evening. Anyway, so I’m going to publish this just so I can say I blogged…hopefully I’ll be more coherent later.

...

Wow, what a day.

It’s been horrifically long, and I’m wicked tired.

I miss seeing the Salt Lake Temple every time I walked outside, I using a magnetic key card to get into my apartment; I miss By a Single Thread and his freaking adorable dog.

But life moves on and I start working again tomorrow, which is barely enough time to unpack. I also see therapist tomorrow, I’m thinking his idea of taking a little break from gay culture will be nice. I’m most likely going to try it out.

I’m glad I’m closer to the mountains and that I’ll be working a lot more, I know I’ll whine about it later, but going up two and a half flights of stairs will make I’m more active.

I found ballroom dance trophies in my new apartment.

I think I’m going to go to sleep now.

Ugh

I don't want to move.

There, I said it. Right now the only thing P-town has going for is a better job[s] and better looking mountains.

Therefore I'm reluctantly packing.

Baby Announcement!!!!

I just got off the phone with Ken Gobiddles; Barbie just gave birth to Marko at 6:36 to their second child. He is 7 pounds, 3 ounces and 20.5 inches long.

Things really aren't okay

Hey kids, I still don’t know of what I should really be writing about in this blog anymore. I could write about all the fun I’ve been having with friends; going out to fun places to eat, having stimulating conversation, or i could talk about the purchases I’ve made recently, or my up and coming move, or how happy I am that school is almost over for the most part, but I can’t.



I’m feeling absolutely hideous right now, completely messed up and defective. No matter what I do I can’t fake it long enough to convince myself that I’m a happy functioning normal person.

Friday I woke up late, walked over to my English class and handed some papers to my group and said I wouldn’t be able to finish the group project for them and that I’ve had a bad week and expect a busy and messed up weekend. They were pissed but I just walked away.

People ask how I’m doing, I don’t know what to say except my normal response which is to smile and say everything is great...when that I happens I usually send out a desperate plea with my eyes trying to tell them that not everything is really okay. I’ve been faking it for so long, feigning pleasantries and trying not to burden others with my angst. I don’t know how to be honest with those around me.

My cuddle impulse has kicked in, I keep feeling the, “I just want to be able to fall asleep in someone’s arms and then I’ll feel better… I just want to be held” why can’t I be perfect? Why can’t I just get over this and just be fine with who I am and be independent?

I think I need a really long hug.

coming out

starting in February 2006 I started coming out to my friends, the first was Roz, then Lawyer Friend, and then I slowly told others in my life...barring my best friends from high school.

There's still a very large group of people who were very important in my life who don't know about me. I keep them away because being gay is kind of a big deal and it's very difficult for me to even clue them in on what i'm doing because it's hard to explain without telling them that I am a homosexual.

sorry about this post, i'm just thinking about who I used to be, how much I've changed and also thinking about all the people I've left.

I need to go to bed before I write anything else that doesn't make sense.

Living this way I stress less
I want to pull away when the dream dies
The pain sets in and I don't cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why

too [insert word here] to actually blog. soon though...soon.

Today...

I just want to watch movies all day, curled up a little ball.

can I? Please?

Things worthy of mentioning

1. this awesome SMBC comic


2. Your Local Inspirational Bookstore sells some pretty amazing caramels. They helped me get through a slightly lame lesson at By a Single Thread's ward yesterday.

3. Roommate is moving today! I get my dorm to myself for the rest of the semester. Finally! No more random hairs in the microwave...okay that only happened once, but it was disgusting.

4. Speaking of the end of the semester I only have 10 days until I'm moving. Sad, but I think it might be a good thing, although living Up North has been great to seperate myself a little from the rather intense moho-ness of Ptown.

5. Ren and Stimpy *cough* Tito *cough cough* had a little get together Saturday night and we played Apples to Apples, I won.

6. I took about a five hour nap yesterday. I'm so rested right now I actually feel like I can do some homework. I might actually take advantage of this feeling and try to finish my Book of Mormon final.

7. Kelly Clarkson's new single is out, not as good as Behind These Hazel Eyes, but I'm a fan.

8. El Veneno moved out of the state recently and moved in with an awkward LDS guy, I got this text from good ol' El V last night "I saw a paper on my rommate's desk listing girls who smiled at him at church. It went back several months and has notes like "Too tall." Now he's talking to himself. Ikes." I think living with By a Single Thread was a better deal, I'm sure he didn't talk to himself.

Things That Suck...

Placing your favorite belt inside one of your favorite shoes, then your favorite cologne in the other. Then putting those shoes on the top of your, forgetting about them, and driving away.

Total replacement cost $280.00ish dollars

*cries a little inside*

In other news I hate most seminary teachers for they are relentlessly cheap and love to abuse the Deseret Book return policy. Those (expletive delete)

And...I tried some Versace cologne since I lost mine, it's amazing--my next fragrance purchase has been decided. I mean, I want myself when I wear this stuff. *drool*

I don't have much to say right now since I'm not able to really put into words with I'm feeling accurately, but I hope this image will suffice.

I'm so tired.

Has anyone noticed that Pink looks like a really scary drag queen

The pain of indecision, almost too much to handle, will eventually push me into accepting the love that Christ has for me. I have a feeling that the next few months will be the deciding factor of much of my life to come.

Ouch.

Eye in the Sky has been out here parytin' it up for his spring break. Last Thursday he came over to my apartment after leaving the temple, and asked if he could borrow some normal clothes. So I handed him my fat jeans, which aren't really big--they just don't fit me as well as they used to, and a button up shirt. He comes out of the bathroom and the first thing he says to El-Veneno and I is, "These clothes make me feel *so* gay."

They weren't even my gay clothes!

In other news, Happy Easter!

The End is in Sight!

Yes! My Book of Mormon teacher announced last night that the 18th would be our last class, and the 19th is the last day for Eng 270 (Film) class I'm SO FREAKING EXCITED!!!!!!

I'm moving back down to P-town as soon as I can, I still need to find a place to live, and my parents are (once again) helping with the finances. They're obnoxious, but kind.

So, all I have to do is go to the next two weeks of class, and write a few more papers (two for film--extra credit, one for psychology--Who Do I Admire...I'm thinking of Writing that one on Samantha...or Tito...I don't know... and then one for my intro english class)

AND I'm getting my old job back at Your Local Inspirational Bookstore. sweet action.

This must be a joke

While listening to the remixed version of Turn Off the Light by the love of my life, Nelly Furtado I came across this picture from the Juno Awards show.

This is too painful for words... I don't know what to say.

There’s been a change. The latter part of last week almost had me in tears. I feel bad for Eye in the Sky who had to sit next to me during the Saturday morning session of conference. I said nasty mean things and Samantha had to sit me down and we ended up talking about what was going on. I went to priesthood alone, and luckily was in the overflow of a stake center where there weren’t any distractions. Men in white shirts and ties make me flustered.

During the priesthood session this confusion and tumult was getting to an unbearable point. I tried dissecting my emotions, analyzing them, asking myself why I was feeling that way.

I did the only thing I knew that would help, and I feel so much better.

It was extremely late Saturday night, but I know what I felt. For the first time since before October I felt that the Atonement could actually work for me, that I’m not a wretched person that Christ doesn’t love.

Usually these feelings of hope, comfort, and joy only last a few hours, then I see an attractive person and I’m feeling all wiggly inside again. Today, perhaps only today I felt different about that. Samantha and I were invited to go and talk to Wicked-Cute Married Gay Guy and his ridiculously cute and nice wife. It was a lot of fun, and they chatted away about mixed-orientation marriages. Let’s just say that this one hit me upside the head like a big yellow school bus. I stayed quiet for most of the time because I didn’t know what to say or how to act. After we left I told Samantha that I was kind of all distracted and slightly pained. Instead of escaping into fantasy like I normally do in situations like this to ease the messed-up feelings I just sort of felt these out and came to realize that nothing is going to happen, and I chose to sort of just let it be and move on.

Although I can’t take full credit for this, I was immediately distracted at FHE which is an entirely different post all together. I’m sensing a huge opportunity in the next couple of weeks to be able to learn a lot about how I tick. And I’m thinking having the contest going is going to be able to keep me to reverting back to the really useless coping mechanism. I’m sensing a lot of self-improvement coming on. It’s exciting… PS I know this is just me being manic. But it’s nice to be motivated occasionally.

Conference Weekend pt1

Samantha is out here this weekend again, and we’re having fun. I gave Tabitha some Fruit Gushers and we ate mashed potato bowls from KFC. Deep conversations ensued

The reason why I haven’t updated for a while is I’ve been writing in my wicked secret blog, …that’s never a good sign.

I’m very grateful for friends who are willing and able to give me a blessing when I need one. The past few days have been very difficult and I didn’t know what to do. I felt so trapped I had to reach out to someone, and I’m finally feeling peace…something I haven’t felt since before Christmas. Comfort, peace and joy. For the first time in quite awhile I didn’t plan an escape route when I entered a room, I laughed for the first time in a few days too…. really laughed. I heard a lot of things that I needed to hear, namely, God loves me, and this is something that I have a particularly difficult time accepting… mostly because of that pesky self-worth issue that I have.