Hey kids, I still don’t know of what I should really be writing about in this blog anymore. I could write about all the fun I’ve been having with friends; going out to fun places to eat, having stimulating conversation, or i could talk about the purchases I’ve made recently, or my up and coming move, or how happy I am that school is almost over for the most part, but I can’t.
I’m feeling absolutely hideous right now, completely messed up and defective. No matter what I do I can’t fake it long enough to convince myself that I’m a happy functioning normal person.
Friday I woke up late, walked over to my English class and handed some papers to my group and said I wouldn’t be able to finish the group project for them and that I’ve had a bad week and expect a busy and messed up weekend. They were pissed but I just walked away.
People ask how I’m doing, I don’t know what to say except my normal response which is to smile and say everything is great...when that I happens I usually send out a desperate plea with my eyes trying to tell them that not everything is really okay. I’ve been faking it for so long, feigning pleasantries and trying not to burden others with my angst. I don’t know how to be honest with those around me.
My cuddle impulse has kicked in, I keep feeling the, “I just want to be able to fall asleep in someone’s arms and then I’ll feel better… I just want to be held” why can’t I be perfect? Why can’t I just get over this and just be fine with who I am and be independent?
I think I need a really long hug.