Sunday, April 22, 2007

Things really aren't okay

Hey kids, I still don’t know of what I should really be writing about in this blog anymore. I could write about all the fun I’ve been having with friends; going out to fun places to eat, having stimulating conversation, or i could talk about the purchases I’ve made recently, or my up and coming move, or how happy I am that school is almost over for the most part, but I can’t.

I’m feeling absolutely hideous right now, completely messed up and defective. No matter what I do I can’t fake it long enough to convince myself that I’m a happy functioning normal person.

Friday I woke up late, walked over to my English class and handed some papers to my group and said I wouldn’t be able to finish the group project for them and that I’ve had a bad week and expect a busy and messed up weekend. They were pissed but I just walked away.

People ask how I’m doing, I don’t know what to say except my normal response which is to smile and say everything is great...when that I happens I usually send out a desperate plea with my eyes trying to tell them that not everything is really okay. I’ve been faking it for so long, feigning pleasantries and trying not to burden others with my angst. I don’t know how to be honest with those around me.

My cuddle impulse has kicked in, I keep feeling the, “I just want to be able to fall asleep in someone’s arms and then I’ll feel better… I just want to be held” why can’t I be perfect? Why can’t I just get over this and just be fine with who I am and be independent?

I think I need a really long hug.


Stephen said...

If you ever want to talk about it, even though we've only met briefly a couple of times, just send me an e-mail. Gotenski (at) Gmail (dot) Com

drex said...

I hope you know that we're here for you if you ever want to vent or anything. Unfortunately we're gone for about a week starting Wednesday night, but before or after that, both Salad and I are completely up for hanging out/talking/whatever.

I had so wanted to be able to talk to you last night, but that's one of the downfalls of hosting a decent-sized party - it's hard to be able to get people alone or leave the party for any period of time without arousing interest and curiosity in everyone else.

Seriously, drop one of us an email or google talk or something sometime. drex[dot]olympus[at]gmail[dot]com or pinksalad[at]gmail[dot]com

Stephalumpagus said...

Sorry I didn't get to see you and Samantha last night. :( I was mega sad about that. I'm so sorry you aren't doing well. You know I'm here for you if you want to talk. I'm driving up to Salt Lake early Tuesday morning (way too early). If you aren't busy, I'd love to see you! I love you!

The Hidden Gay said...


I knew something was up too, but like Drex said it wasn't the right place to do anything so sorry that I couldn't help more.

I'm excited for you to be down this summer. I'd love to hang with you since I still see you as a great example even if you don't. You have worth with me for what that's worth to you.

You know my email, so yeah.

agirlwho said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
agirlwho said...

We all love you a lot, but I think you know that your friends can't fill the majority of the pain you feel. We can support you and love you (which we do), but you need to turn to the Savior to feel comfort. He will take away your pain. I promise you that he will if you give your burden to him. I think most of our pain in this life comes from fighting against the Lord's will. We don't always understand why things happen in our lives, losses are inevitable, but I know the Lord will console us despite our lack of understanding.

isaac said...

AtP there is definitely a middle ground when it comes to telling or showing people how you really feel. It is good to not want to burden everyone with your angst all the time. I think there is a lot of good that can come from trying to be a cheerful person. However, I also don't think that you need to completely fake to everyone that you are doing well either. Sometimes it can be a good thing to just go over your problems with somebody that you care about and trust. I know there are a lot of people here who care about you and other friends that you have that would be happy to talk to you.

I think there are a lot of people here who hope for you success and really believe in you. You are better than you think and feel inside. If you think you need to be perfect (you did ask why you can't just be perfect in your post) then you are probably going to be waiting a long time for things to get better. Go easy on yourself. Be patient in your weaknesses and realize that through the atonement you have the power to change. Slowly the pain you feel can go away and step by step you will become more of the person you want to be.

p.s. we love you

Anonymous said...

LOL! I love how you're clinically depressed and agirlwho is spouting Jesus stuff. OMG, dude, get some help.