There’s been a change. The latter part of last week almost had me in tears. I feel bad for Eye in the Sky who had to sit next to me during the Saturday morning session of conference. I said nasty mean things and Samantha had to sit me down and we ended up talking about what was going on. I went to priesthood alone, and luckily was in the overflow of a stake center where there weren’t any distractions. Men in white shirts and ties make me flustered.
During the priesthood session this confusion and tumult was getting to an unbearable point. I tried dissecting my emotions, analyzing them, asking myself why I was feeling that way.
I did the only thing I knew that would help, and I feel so much better.
It was extremely late Saturday night, but I know what I felt. For the first time since before October I felt that the Atonement could actually work for me, that I’m not a wretched person that Christ doesn’t love.
Usually these feelings of hope, comfort, and joy only last a few hours, then I see an attractive person and I’m feeling all wiggly inside again. Today, perhaps only today I felt different about that. Samantha and I were invited to go and talk to Wicked-Cute Married Gay Guy and his ridiculously cute and nice wife. It was a lot of fun, and they chatted away about mixed-orientation marriages. Let’s just say that this one hit me upside the head like a big yellow school bus. I stayed quiet for most of the time because I didn’t know what to say or how to act. After we left I told Samantha that I was kind of all distracted and slightly pained. Instead of escaping into fantasy like I normally do in situations like this to ease the messed-up feelings I just sort of felt these out and came to realize that nothing is going to happen, and I chose to sort of just let it be and move on.
Although I can’t take full credit for this, I was immediately distracted at FHE which is an entirely different post all together. I’m sensing a huge opportunity in the next couple of weeks to be able to learn a lot about how I tick. And I’m thinking having the contest going is going to be able to keep me to reverting back to the really useless coping mechanism. I’m sensing a lot of self-improvement coming on. It’s exciting… PS I know this is just me being manic. But it’s nice to be motivated occasionally.