Tuesday, April 03, 2007

There’s been a change. The latter part of last week almost had me in tears. I feel bad for Eye in the Sky who had to sit next to me during the Saturday morning session of conference. I said nasty mean things and Samantha had to sit me down and we ended up talking about what was going on. I went to priesthood alone, and luckily was in the overflow of a stake center where there weren’t any distractions. Men in white shirts and ties make me flustered.

During the priesthood session this confusion and tumult was getting to an unbearable point. I tried dissecting my emotions, analyzing them, asking myself why I was feeling that way.

I did the only thing I knew that would help, and I feel so much better.

It was extremely late Saturday night, but I know what I felt. For the first time since before October I felt that the Atonement could actually work for me, that I’m not a wretched person that Christ doesn’t love.

Usually these feelings of hope, comfort, and joy only last a few hours, then I see an attractive person and I’m feeling all wiggly inside again. Today, perhaps only today I felt different about that. Samantha and I were invited to go and talk to Wicked-Cute Married Gay Guy and his ridiculously cute and nice wife. It was a lot of fun, and they chatted away about mixed-orientation marriages. Let’s just say that this one hit me upside the head like a big yellow school bus. I stayed quiet for most of the time because I didn’t know what to say or how to act. After we left I told Samantha that I was kind of all distracted and slightly pained. Instead of escaping into fantasy like I normally do in situations like this to ease the messed-up feelings I just sort of felt these out and came to realize that nothing is going to happen, and I chose to sort of just let it be and move on.

Although I can’t take full credit for this, I was immediately distracted at FHE which is an entirely different post all together. I’m sensing a huge opportunity in the next couple of weeks to be able to learn a lot about how I tick. And I’m thinking having the contest going is going to be able to keep me to reverting back to the really useless coping mechanism. I’m sensing a lot of self-improvement coming on. It’s exciting… PS I know this is just me being manic. But it’s nice to be motivated occasionally.


drex said...

Awesome! I'm always a supporter of coming to understand one's self. I'm glad you came to the FHE, and sorry that I only really got to wave at you and talk briefly. We'll have to do something sometime. :P And if you ever need someone else to talk things out with, email me and we can chat or something.

You can do this.

cleverscreenname said...
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Straight+Narrow said...

The priesthood session was important for me too. Glad you feel better.

Stephalumpagus said...

Good for you my friend. You are amazing.

salad said...

it was really good to see you last night. i agree with drex that we should hang out again. oh, and we should plan ourselves an uber fun birthday party...it could take months to figure out how to accurately celebrate the birth of 2 of the world's most awesome people.

Mormon Enigma said...

Usually these feelings of hope, comfort, and joy only last a few hours, then I see an attractive person and I’m feeling all wiggly inside again.


If I were 30 years younger, I think you and I could have been best friends.

...I felt that the Atonement could actually work for me

And I pray that you won't forget that. Godspeed.