A Confession, A Warning

okay, I'm going to admit it, I'm not fat. In fact, quite the opposite--I'm rather thin, a lightweight, I wear an adult size small t-shirt, or, extra-small, I rarely find pants small enough in the waiste that fit properly. I know I'm skinny, and I'm okay with that.

But if you ever call me skinny, scrawny, emaciated, stick-like, I'll be wicked pissed, and will most likely never think the same of you again.

ex: Today after our fifth Sunday meeting, a high councilman walked over to the pew I was sitting in and shook my hand and then asked "How's Skinny doing today?"

If I was in the mood to mock him openly, I should've said "Not so great now since you pointed out that I'm thin... How's the Short Fat Bald Man doing today? I see your shins and cankles are still withstanding the weight you seem necessary to put on them"

Another thing: Don't call me young, or point out that I'm younger than you. I don't see age, it's one of the things I have no judge of. We're equal. Don't call me a baby, or don't get awkward when I mention what year I was born in. There is a reason why I prefer the company of those older than me--I like being around people older than me. I love learning from your experiences. I'm okay with being the token baby of the group, but if you mention it, I may just throw a tantrum.

(Exception to the aforementioned rule, Samantha,Darrin, Jerman, Carrot and Smurf who alone, have the exclusive right to call me Fetus--and ONLY because we overcame sleep together.)

Now this post may make me look like a complete and total (expletive delete) but I'm generally a nice person, as I'm sure some of you could testify of.

and before I dig myself deeper in this hole of looking like a not-so-nice-individual I think I'll go to bed.

"To not have to live this damned lie would be heaven, but to act on this truth would be hell."

Something that makes me REALLY happy

click on the link, read that post, don't wimp out--read it all.

It's a miracle :-)

People Who Are Cool

Ken Biddles for bringing me a Jamba today while I worked.
El Veneno for stopping by and making me laugh a lot.
El Veneno's buddy for being amazingly cool
The Jerman for having the ability to be absolutely friggin hilarious, while being so laid back and chill--and also for having me in his cellphone as AtP Fetus (major props for that one)
Stephalumpagus because she's hot, funny, and having that kick-A grandma car
And last but not least...Samantha because she basically saved my life, and has helped me become who I am today (which is a mess, but a mess who is much happier with himself...a happy mess who isn't self medicating with porn either. :-) You rock )

Okay, Another thing about Samantha. Apparently she got one of those emails yesterday...you know the one that basically told her that her marriage is an abomination, her kids are going to be messed up, WHATEVER. But I just want to say (Even the person/people who have or will write those emails won't read this) Her marriage is the greatest I've ever seen--it's the perfect example of what I want in my future life. Her kids are well adjusted, and happy. I was able to spend a weekend with them--all of them knowing I was gay, and they were SO chill with it. So to those who think otherwise, or that her marriage is an abomination--GO SCREW YOURSELVES

About five minutes before we closed, El Veneno stopped by with his friend who happens to be a girl, I gave them the grand tour of my place of employment, we laughed about the new Gladys Knight CD, and other things. Ten rolled around and I bolted out of that place to chill with Stephalumpagus and The Jerman--we got pizza, had awkward conversation pauses and overall had a pretty amazing time. We fried cookies on the bell tower lights at BYU. They didn't even turn out half bad....which was impressive.

Venting

Okay. I'm a little frustrated at work. The reason? I'm training the new guy...for the purposes of naming him in the Queerosphere I think I'll call him SSG (Stupid Straight Guy) . Here's a list of things that I wish I could put in his locker...but... I can't

Dear SSG,

-Your cologne smells like my old dog
-You sound like a used car salesmen when talking to customers. It annoys them, and makes you look white trash.
-You say really, really stupid things
-You answer your cell phone on the floor, yet you don't answer the store phone.
-You have really bad hair
-Your ten-key abilities are that of an Ethiopian 4 year old.
-You keep saying "gay" when you should really be saying, "stupid," or, perhaps, "lame"

with respect,

Your not so-straight training supervisor.

a seperation of sorts

I don't know why I entitled the post "a seperation of sorts" except for that's what I think is going on inside. There will come a time when there is no middle ground, that means in the world...and inside ourselves.

That time is coming for me, there is beginning to be no middle ground, the time for spiritual apathy is coming to an end. After my realization of agency last week the fight has been more intense. I'm happy with my life as a chaste member of the church who also experiences SSA, but there's still that part of me that probably won't go away during this life.

I've been thinking (never, ever good...especially after 12) that I need to create a deeper relationship with Christ and start to rely on Him more fully.

I know I'm of infinite worth to Him, I've made my choice....I just want to remember what choice I've made.

<>

"The difference is that those who are, or who will become Saints reach breaking points without breaking" --Elder Maxwell

Okay... AtP is just going to type until I come to some sort of conclusion about why I feel like someone just shoved a hand mixer into my chest. I'm getting irritated with my parents again (wait...When am I NOT irritated with them?). I rarely even see them and I still can't stand to occupy the same space as they do.

This dichotomy is really growing a little bit more intense. I have a huge love for Him. He's my Redeemer, He went through the Atonement for us all, I don't want to dissapoint Him. I've done that enough already.

Yet on the other side there is a part of me that wants to just be held. To just feel safe and physically not alone.

Friday I had a wicked long talk with Samantha, went to work, then afterwards got some Denny's with Tito. We talked about a lot of stuff. It was aboslutely amazing. Afterwards I got a huge drop kick in the face where I realized that I had agency and if I wasn't going to choose to follow Christ, I could choose the other path. Then it ended with, "Now...who do you love more?"

When I was teaching the EQ lesson today on Agency this chasm intesified. I kept talking about choosing Him--looking to Him for our salvation... Yet in the back of my mind I was wishing I was going over to someone or anyone's apartment to just lie in their arms and not have to worry about anything. Oh man do I talk the talk well...

I guess this is another one of those learning experiences... this is honestly the first time in my life that I've tried to deal with these emotions in a healthy manner for an extended amount of time, rather than masturbating and viewing pornograhy. For those of you who've figured that out. Let me know, I could use some help

EQ Lesson

Oh man...that sucked. I hope I made sense. I know I didn't though.

*le sigh* but I did tell them to talk to their kids about pornography and masturbation. That flopped--and hard.

Ugh. I'm going to find something to eat.

Quote

"Ahah! moments are wonderful, and they suck" --Samantha

We both had our own today. Mine concerned my issues with agency, and wanting all the answers, and generally unhealthy behaviors.... and as Tito said tonight during dinner, "it's a process of putting things on the alter of God"

and Samantha is just downright amazing, add El Veneno, Tito, and a few of the other characters of this Dramatis Personae

Stuff

Currently listening to: Nelly Furtado, Afraid and Wait for You

Well. I got back Monday and I've been procrastinating everything I learned and was able to experience. The fireside went well. I think. I was so nervous. but it turned out well, Jerman and Smurf rocked it up hardcore. David suggested we get rainbow sherbet for the refreshments, that kid is amazing.

I'm stil tired form the all nighter we pulled sunday night

I don't know what to say. I want to sit down and just pound out everything that's going on in my head right now. but i need to work on the EQ lesson...which is chapter 20--any ideas?

When I see people crying, I'm insanely jealous.

it's been over three years. I want to cry, I want to let everything out, I want to have someone come hold me when it happens and have them tell me everything will be okay. Is it too much to want to feel sorrow and to let it show? I feel pain, obviously you've read all the angst that goes on in my life, but I can't let it out...it just won't happen.

because all the cool kids are doing it.

And because I'm also procrastinating writing a real post...

You are a Social Moderate (55% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (28% permissive) You are best described as a: Democrat Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid Free Online Dating Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Samantha...She's really a witch

Spending the weekend @ 7200 feet with Samantha, Darrin, and the rest of the gang has been, welp, amazing.

Full of fun times, awkward moments, David was almost outted about four times and it's only been two days.

anywho... I'm sure there will be a picture post (none of us, I mean, we're attractive enough that we can't put pictures of ourselves online... I mean, you'd all want us.

but have a good one. I'm expecting to get back to Prozac Valley tomorrow evening.

General Announcements about the life of AtP: The Youngest and Most Attractive Member of the Queerosphere.

I'm off to Westport, Conneticut to hang out with Samantha and Darrin. I'm hitching a ride with Smurf, Jerman, Tito and Carrot. Good times will be had by all.

And a minor clarification for Mr. Galt that is a month overdue. Samantha isn't the "Mother Nature Healer Goddess" (HAHA! I know what kind of visual YOU just got Samantha ;-) She's amazing, but NOT a M.N.H.G

I've been looking forward to this weekend since the EG conference. When we were protecting eachother from scary people at the EG conference we laughed all the time--then she'd spill out amazing nuggets of truth. This is an example of what she kicked me in the head with today.

it's called the Absolute Gay Truth:

"The truth is that someday you WILL trust yourself. And it will either be in the realm of you, as a practicing homosexual, or of you, as a worthy member of the church. At some point the middle ground will become so miserable and pointless that you will choose."

Oh, and one more which is the official AtP QOTD: "I want to be a snowman... I mean, I'd be an awesome snowman!

"Considering the incomprehensible cost of the Crucifixtion, Christ will not turn his back on us now"

Bishop #2

I had a ton of questions that were stemming from the meeting that I had two weeks ago with my bishop. I was so frustrated that our meetings only consisted of, "How're things?" "Good, concerning the circumstances," (the circumstances included being rejected from serving a full-time mission for the time being for worthiness issues after passing the ecclesiastical interviews and having my bishop announce that my mission papers were in) "Oh, that's great. You're a good guy, and concerning your most recent mishap you can submit your papers again in six months."

When he told me that I was furious, hurt, and confused... I had ALREADY given them six months, and they REJECTED ME. I didn't (still don't) trust him enough to believe him... it might even take a letter from the first presidency or my area presidency to believe that I can put in my papers again, because I don't want to open myself up to the hurt of being rejected again, in what seemed like such an open manner.


On Wednesday my mom went in to talk with the bishop (she's the RS president) and I asked her to take a copy of the interview between Elder Wickman, Elder Oaks, and the Public Relations Department of the church, and also a copy of IQD. I felt that my bishop needed to learn more about this subject so he could counsel others who may not have the support system that I do. My mom also mentioned that I needed to speak with him on Sunday.

After church was out, I ran home and had to grab some food to help regulate the blood sugar (stupid low blood sugar...makes fasting almost impossible) I walked back over to my church building, the bishop's office door was open--I was the first one up today. Walking in, he got up and shaked my hand as usual. I took my usual spot accross the desk from him, this was also the seat I used when I was a priest. I decided against using the normal greetings, I honestly don't think I've ever so forward with this particular bishop. I sat down and immediately asked him if I could start going to do baptisms again at the temple. He thought about it for a moment, moved himself in his chair, then said, "Yes." Thinking it being my lucky day I was tempted to ask him for a new car, but I thought it horribly inappropriate.

I moved onto my next question, "Why is it that the Stake President said I needed to keep my records in this ward?" I got an "I don't know, but I'll find out... he probably just doesn't want you to have to work with numerous bishops about this issue"

Satisfied with the answer I moved on to the next question I had, concerning the mission. I decided a few weeks ago that I wasn't going to put in my papers until I knew I was ready, until I knew I loved myself, until I was happy with myself, and until I made an extemely prayerful decision about the matter. I was so thrown off that he said six months during our last chat. I asked him elaborate on what the missionary department said, he went through the specifics of the letter. I still feel good about my decision to wait until I feel like I'm ready--and not letting anyone put in their two cents on when or why I should go.

My bishop, in a surprising turn of events actually started talking without me asking a question. He mentioned he's read most of the material I had my mom deliver to him, and that he is learning a lot. He kept on talking, he still has a lot to learn. Bishop asked if I was attracted to members of the opposite sex at all... I mentioned to him that it was very different. That I don't have a desire to be intimate with someone of the opposite sex, I wouldn't mind getting married either. But first I needed to get over the the fact that I get a little sick.

We finished the chat at our longest ever... 15 minutes.

French Toast and Awkward Moments

I feel awkward, and once again contemplating my brothers death.

First of all Samantha and I came to the conclusion we're shallow.

Secondly Smurf and The Jerman crashed my place of employment tonight, it was entertaining--so thanks, y'all made working today worthwhile

After that we watched the corpse bride with Stephalumpagus, partied it up at Ihop--I got the caramel and banana french toast. delish. Towards the end of the meal I realized how crowded the place was getting and I suddenly became very, very uncomfortable and I wanted to run away. I spent the rest of the evening a bit more quiet than I usually am, and attempted to huddle up in a ball--which didn't really work since I was either standing up waiting in line to pay...or sitting in the backseat of a car with two other people.

After that, which only ended a good thirty minutes ago, I got online to read some blogs... and I noticed -L-'s most recent post on suicide and mental illness....it was cold and sterileit brought up a ton of emotions about my brother's death that I haven't even recognized in over a year and a half. I suddenly felt that I couldve stopped it. I couldve told someone he was using again, I couldve told someone that his life was spinning out of control, or he wished everything was just over.

-L- not everything is as crystal clear as you made it seem. I was a little kid who only thought he was covering for someone he loved... Who knew that wiping a binder off that had cocaine off it and tossing a needle would be one step closer to someone's goal of leaving this world.

I have no idea where that came from... but I need to just let it be and publish this.

who the crap are you?

I just realized how many SSA/SGA/gay/whatever people there were who are hangin' out around blogger. I mean. we. are. everywhere. Also since the explosion of the SSA/SGA/gay/OSA/SGA-M-O-M/whatever blogging world I've felt a little too exposed...So I had this brilliant idea, y'all could introduce yourselves, ya know--tell me how you got your 'nym, your story, how you found the Queerosphere, etc... Lame, I know, but maybe I won't feel like I'm being stalked by sex crazed rapists if that happens.

anywho. moving on...As you can tell from the post below I broke down and got myself a new pair of glasses... My contacts have been bugging me so much lately. Since I'm so blind they had to send them away to get the lenses in, etc. So I'll be rockin' it up like the fashion forward book nerd that I am in a few days. Besides that my life is boring, except in a few weeks I get to hang out with the Stevens' ...probably going to have a six-pack from all the laughing I'll be doing. I can't wait.

So, this is random. But I love when I get random checks in the mail. Like the one I received today that's enough to pay for my glasses that I just got.

i have a feeling that I'm very, very blessed

Family Home Evening

Mom and Dad held their monthly family home evening group tonight. Great experience as usual, with red velvet cake. Good conversation. But I'm not going back unless I can kidnap a friend to have them watch my back and keep me out of awkward situations...like the following.

1) Someone I saw at the EG conference told me, "I wanted to get my picture with you at the evergreen conference...but I could never really ask you...can I get your picture" Ignoring his question I responded, "I wanted to play a game of smear the queer at the Evergreen conference...but I didn't get that chance." I was able to avoid the picture for a moment or two with that distraction, but this kid perservered. I posed politely while he snapped away.

2) Someone I've never met before ask me for my number, I gave him a fake one....Upon writing this, I realize I gave him my blog URL...I'm pretty sure you'll read this...and I'm sorry, I just got freaked out a little bit.

3) The aforementioned happened, then I was suddenly trapped by a couch, and many people with no escape route, I couldn't find one for quite a while. I was almost about to hop over the couch to just get away.

4) "So, which bookstore do you work in?" Please--I have no desire to have that questioned asked by anyone anymore. I'm almost to the point of looking for another job.

These experiences have made me so much more grateful for having "normal" gay/ssa/sga/whatever friends. Over the past few weeks when we've been able to hang out, I have felt safe, I haven't needed to look for an escape whenever I was with people, and I haven't feared being raped in the back of someone's car.

Yesterday was amazing, E.V. invited me to hang out for the afternoon session of conference (maybe it was by default) with his ward, they were wicked cool and just awesome people. I felt like moving up there was the right thing. Now, I just need to find a place to live, get a job, and make sure that everything is chill with going to school up there.