I feel awkward, and once again contemplating my brothers death.
First of all Samantha and I came to the conclusion we're shallow.
Secondly Smurf and The Jerman crashed my place of employment tonight, it was entertaining--so thanks, y'all made working today worthwhile
After that we watched the corpse bride with Stephalumpagus, partied it up at Ihop--I got the caramel and banana french toast. delish. Towards the end of the meal I realized how crowded the place was getting and I suddenly became very, very uncomfortable and I wanted to run away. I spent the rest of the evening a bit more quiet than I usually am, and attempted to huddle up in a ball--which didn't really work since I was either standing up waiting in line to pay...or sitting in the backseat of a car with two other people.
After that, which only ended a good thirty minutes ago, I got online to read some blogs... and I noticed -L-'s most recent post on suicide and mental illness....it was cold and sterileit brought up a ton of emotions about my brother's death that I haven't even recognized in over a year and a half. I suddenly felt that I couldve stopped it. I couldve told someone he was using again, I couldve told someone that his life was spinning out of control, or he wished everything was just over.
-L- not everything is as crystal clear as you made it seem. I was a little kid who only thought he was covering for someone he loved... Who knew that wiping a binder off that had cocaine off it and tossing a needle would be one step closer to someone's goal of leaving this world.
I have no idea where that came from... but I need to just let it be and publish this.