Saturday, October 07, 2006

French Toast and Awkward Moments

I feel awkward, and once again contemplating my brothers death.

First of all Samantha and I came to the conclusion we're shallow.

Secondly Smurf and The Jerman crashed my place of employment tonight, it was entertaining--so thanks, y'all made working today worthwhile

After that we watched the corpse bride with Stephalumpagus, partied it up at Ihop--I got the caramel and banana french toast. delish. Towards the end of the meal I realized how crowded the place was getting and I suddenly became very, very uncomfortable and I wanted to run away. I spent the rest of the evening a bit more quiet than I usually am, and attempted to huddle up in a ball--which didn't really work since I was either standing up waiting in line to pay...or sitting in the backseat of a car with two other people.

After that, which only ended a good thirty minutes ago, I got online to read some blogs... and I noticed -L-'s most recent post on suicide and mental illness....it was cold and sterileit brought up a ton of emotions about my brother's death that I haven't even recognized in over a year and a half. I suddenly felt that I couldve stopped it. I couldve told someone he was using again, I couldve told someone that his life was spinning out of control, or he wished everything was just over.

-L- not everything is as crystal clear as you made it seem. I was a little kid who only thought he was covering for someone he loved... Who knew that wiping a binder off that had cocaine off it and tossing a needle would be one step closer to someone's goal of leaving this world.

I have no idea where that came from... but I need to just let it be and publish this.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sorry for being clinical and cold. I was going for more hopeful, proactive, and insightful. I certainly didn't intend to throw out guilt and blame!

I'm very sorry for any pain I've inadvertently caused you.

Scot said...

ATP, I’ve only felt a minor fraction of what that’s like. I feel like I could have stopped someone, not family, when I was a kid, but I didn’t. L told me I shouldn’t take the blame, and he’s right, reasonable.

I think you’re right too. It ain’t easy, and the emotion and memory and what-ifs are there. The only thing that I can think of to do with such feelings is to try to distill some lessons and motivation out of them. But, again, I’ve only seen a minor fraction, and I’m sure you’d understand it better than I.

For want it’s worth, I’m sorry for your loss.

Darrin said...

Wow. That's powerful stuff.

2 things. One, it looks like your more capable of dealing with some feelings and memories which, until now, you could not yet handle. That's good progress.

Second, we all make mistakes. Your brother passed away because of his mistakes, not yours. I'm sure he will not blame you, but rather thank you for your love. This can be pretty tough stuff. It's good that you are dealing with it. It may not FEEL good right now, but I believe that it will help you in the long run.

I have a feeling that your parents have experienced similar feelings. Freaky, huh? Not towards you in regards to what happened with your brother, but simply between themselves and your brother. You may not have any idea of the pain, regret, and remorse they may still feel. Yeah, even your dad.

Man! I'm an old fart! Where do I get this stuff?

Stephanie said...

I'm sorry you had such a hard time last night when you went home. I want you to know I had a wonderful time with all you guys though. A new bff (haha), a wink at V or Ben or whatever his name was, and some extra caramel. :)

Kengo Biddles said...

Guilt, our dear, dear friend that haunts us all the time. Hindsight is 20/20, my friend, just like your vision with your new glasses (I hope).

I hope that the intervening time has helped you process the emotions you've been feeling.

Best Wishes!