Sunday, October 22, 2006

Okay... AtP is just going to type until I come to some sort of conclusion about why I feel like someone just shoved a hand mixer into my chest. I'm getting irritated with my parents again (wait...When am I NOT irritated with them?). I rarely even see them and I still can't stand to occupy the same space as they do.

This dichotomy is really growing a little bit more intense. I have a huge love for Him. He's my Redeemer, He went through the Atonement for us all, I don't want to dissapoint Him. I've done that enough already.

Yet on the other side there is a part of me that wants to just be held. To just feel safe and physically not alone.

Friday I had a wicked long talk with Samantha, went to work, then afterwards got some Denny's with Tito. We talked about a lot of stuff. It was aboslutely amazing. Afterwards I got a huge drop kick in the face where I realized that I had agency and if I wasn't going to choose to follow Christ, I could choose the other path. Then it ended with, "Now...who do you love more?"

When I was teaching the EQ lesson today on Agency this chasm intesified. I kept talking about choosing Him--looking to Him for our salvation... Yet in the back of my mind I was wishing I was going over to someone or anyone's apartment to just lie in their arms and not have to worry about anything. Oh man do I talk the talk well...

I guess this is another one of those learning experiences... this is honestly the first time in my life that I've tried to deal with these emotions in a healthy manner for an extended amount of time, rather than masturbating and viewing pornograhy. For those of you who've figured that out. Let me know, I could use some help

8 comments:

el veneno said...

No great suggestions here. Mostly I just want to say way to be. You are dealing with it in a healthy way and that will make all the difference. I'm proud of you.

Stephanie said...

Just keep going, take it a day at a time. I'm also proud of you for trying. You're stronger than you think. What really helps me keep going is remembering that it all works out in the end. In the end, Christ and his people will win. It's something to look forward to. It will work out for the best--in the mean time, your friends will support you and the Lord will support you. Love you friend.

Kengo Biddles said...

I think you're going about it well, but honestly, I don't see you "going over to someone's house and flopping down into their arms." From my interactions with you, you don't seem the type.

You may feel like you're talking the talk, but I think you're walking the walk, too. None of us are perfect, we have our slides, but those of us that pick up and continue on are doing just what we need to.

Darrin said...

Stepahine & Ken GoB are right. First, you ARE stronger than you think. Second, your are not the type to actually do that. You'd freak out.

Most of us have to talk the talk for a while, sometimes years, before we eventually learn to start the walk. It's almost as if it takes a huge effort just to convince ourselves. This is the "long" part of "long-suffering."

A lot of people who slip up find it mush easier to do it a second time. They tell themsleves, "I've already screwed up, I'm down now, it won;t be any worse to do it again." That's a lie, it is worse to do it again. Instead, tell yourself this, "I have faced this temptation and overcome it once before. I have proven I can do it. That means I can do it again, and again." Truly, once you have beaten a temptation once, you CAN do it again. In fact the second time CAN be little easier than the first, the third time easier than the second, etc.

You will have good days, you will have bad days. You need to decide ahead of time (on the good days) what you are going to do on the bad days. Then the hard part is done already, and you don't have to make those tough decisions when you're weak. The difficult part is that it takes thought, planning, prayer, and faith. But you can do it.

Samantha said...

AtP, I love you.

Julie said...

I can't add anything--the other comments were wonderful. But I know of a poem that might help. It's called "Maran-atha" by Stephen Robinson. If you can't find it, I'll send it to you via e-mail. I'm at filsjuls at comcast dot net.

Meredith said...

Hey, I can't really add any more to what's already been said. I especially liked darrin's comments. I'm sure you're harder on yourself than you should be. One of my dearest friends had a long-time struggle with porography and masturbation, and from my experiences supporting that friend I have only a small taste of what you're going through. It's an incredible struggle that is difficult for many people to understand, and it can create tremendous amounts of strain and lonliness. But we all need a place where we can feel safe and feel loved - feel enveloped in the arms of someone who cares about us. I hate being lonely, and I'm sorry if you feel that way. And I'm sorry you're having a difficult time with your parents. Just know that things will get better, and know that there is a safe place for you.

Anonymous said...

Believe me I can relate... Almost like hearing the words come out of your mouth like they were someone else's words because you are thinking something so opposite... Take Courage. Do what you have to do. And, be happy. You have a great blog.

-Cas