Okay... AtP is just going to type until I come to some sort of conclusion about why I feel like someone just shoved a hand mixer into my chest. I'm getting irritated with my parents again (wait...When am I NOT irritated with them?). I rarely even see them and I still can't stand to occupy the same space as they do.
This dichotomy is really growing a little bit more intense. I have a huge love for Him. He's my Redeemer, He went through the Atonement for us all, I don't want to dissapoint Him. I've done that enough already.
Yet on the other side there is a part of me that wants to just be held. To just feel safe and physically not alone.
Friday I had a wicked long talk with Samantha, went to work, then afterwards got some Denny's with Tito. We talked about a lot of stuff. It was aboslutely amazing. Afterwards I got a huge drop kick in the face where I realized that I had agency and if I wasn't going to choose to follow Christ, I could choose the other path. Then it ended with, "Now...who do you love more?"
When I was teaching the EQ lesson today on Agency this chasm intesified. I kept talking about choosing Him--looking to Him for our salvation... Yet in the back of my mind I was wishing I was going over to someone or anyone's apartment to just lie in their arms and not have to worry about anything. Oh man do I talk the talk well...
I guess this is another one of those learning experiences... this is honestly the first time in my life that I've tried to deal with these emotions in a healthy manner for an extended amount of time, rather than masturbating and viewing pornograhy. For those of you who've figured that out. Let me know, I could use some help