I'm sad no one jumped on the "Gay Mormon Survivor," idea.

#137

Some things take longer to process than others. For example, having a light lunch with a friend where you are discussing the latest life choices of L. Lohan doesn't take as much energy as say, spending countless hours with the Queen of the Queerosphere laughing, and trying to pick up on every single glance, hand motion, double meanings, and that awkward looking man in the Hawaiian shirt in my peripheral vision.

I got my Christmas present, from the Queen and her ever so dedicated husband, and I must say I've never seen a Tshirt loaded with so many meanings :the obvious, the personal, and the\ disgusting innuendo.

I'm laying in my bed, not quite sure what to think or feel, which in turn is an excellent reason why I haven't typed anthing for the last five minutes.

For one, I'm not very happy with the way my blog is going, but I should be. Remember when it was all inspirational? Great quotes, and all that jazz? Now it's just me whining all the freaking time. I feel like maybe I'm being more honest with myself, yet, I'm noticing I'm not having any spiritual experiences. I need to work on that one.

Tonight we hit a topic that I'm very grateful we only spent a moment on, that is The Blunder (which is not to be confused with The Blender which is the given name of one of my Christmas presents) I realized just how terrifying of a sitaution I was really in. How grateful I am that I have a Heavenly Father who helped me get out of a mess I willingly threw myself into.

I really don't like coming up with titles

1. This is my last week of work at Your Local Inspirational Bookstore. I'm very, very excited.

2. I've come to the realization that I need to find some other coping mechanisms. I hate the ones that I'm currently using, and as soon as said method I can feel the emotions that I've put off creeping around in the back of my mind waiting to pounce on me again.

3. Ive gotten like 6 or 7 emails via myspace from "Mr. C." (Please refer to "An Open Response to an Email, November 2006,") in the last 36 hours. The first five emails were him flip flopping from chastising me for being a not-so-good person, then apologizing. Then he noticed that I forwarded them to a friend, he sent me another email asking who I forwarded them to. I asked him never to email me again, and a few minutes later I had a lengthy response which included fun things like accusing me of being a racist, a hypocrite, and judging people for not looking like Abercrombie and Fitch models.

Girl please: I'm pretty sure I'm not a racist (I mean, I would have friends who aren't white ...if there were any around Provo...) I'll own up to the hypocrite one, but if he thinks i'm bad now, he should've seen me back in high school. I was great at sluffing school to go home to look at porn and then go back to seminary and quote scripture pretending to be the perfect mormon boy. Then Mr. C. said I wasn't his friend because he isn't an A&F model. The thing is, it isn't about looks. I mean, for those of you who have actually seen me can say that I'm not attractive. I'm a gangly awkward looking kid with girly wrists who has REALLY bad posture. I'm thinking more about this topic. I'll post more later.

4. I think it'd be great to have a Gay Mormon Survivor. We can vote people out of The Family. The prize can be like a day at the salon, or a paid trip to the Evergreen Conference, which is hella fun if youre hanging out with Samantha and I.

5. Christmas was good. I took a really long nap, which is why i'm typing this at 4:15 AM.

6. I need to find something cool to do on New Years Eve.

The Oil and the Water

I've been able to think things over a little, mostly while my parents, older brother and I went about the usual Christmas Eve activities.

In the town where we burried my brother, they have a tradition where families bring illuminaries to put on the gravesites. It's usually really pretty with all this faint lights decorating graves. I didn't get to fully appreciate it this year since we were early and most of the gravesites weren't lit up yet. After we dropped a lantern at my brother's grave we drove to the crazy grandma's house.

During the drive to Crazy Grandma's house I remembered a week ago when I apologized to my mom for something that may happen in the future: Me being hospitalized in an institution of some sort. She looked at me, obviously concerned, then I walked away, went into my room, texted a few people and hid in the corner for a while. After a while I looked at the angles in my room and planned ways to better arrange the picture to lessen the focus on the window in my bedroom. I felt better after that. After I remembered that I felt better. I don't know why.

I felt a little selfish when we pulled into my grandma's driveway, so I pulled myself out of it. I walked into her house, grabbed some Ritz crackers, a bit of the cheese ball, and a cup of wassle. I placed myself against the entertainment center partially participating in the conversation. I learned that my step cousin is the cheerleading coach where The New Kid is from, and she is also getting married the same day that my little cousin is.

My family asked about how many days until I move, they asked me if I was excited. I didn't really want to talk, so I let my mom and let her tell ridiculous stories about, "not letting the door hit me on my way out"

I find myself wanting to find a boyfriend. You know that lame idealistic fantasy that I'm sure you all have, where everything will magically be all better as soon as you can cuddle with some fine piece of man? Yeah, that's been running through my head all weekend, and I hate it.

I need to find balance, I need to stop feeling like a freak for wanting to be held by a guy, I need to stop hating myself for wanting something that doesn't fit into what I really want.

*yawn*

Okay, i think something is wrong, something just isn't right. There's a lot going on inside of me that I can't figure out. I feel bad i'm a horrible friend, but other than that I can't put my finger on it...

I just want to be okay. I don't want to be messed up inside. I just want to be okay.

I've been meaning to blog about this for a few weeks now.

My favorite word to type with one hand is "average"

come on, give it a whirl...I'm sure you'll enjoy it as much as I did.

and one more for the road.

average.


Oh, and the visitor spotlight for the evening is from Snelville, Georgia. thanks for stopping by--and it IS okay if you leave a comment ;-)

Okay, seriously, i'm just in cruise control until Christmas is over. that's why there have been this really lame post, and the one prior. i'll work on that

No title today kids, sorry.

Thanks to my lovely statcounter I have found out that I am a google first pager again, and this time for "Angel Moroni TreeToppers." I hope I didn't scar anyone who stumbled onto my blog. I'm a messed up rejected missionary who is doing his best, and if you had an internet filtration device, you couldn't have even gotten here...you might want to consider that.

There was this fine piece of eye-candy who came into my store this evening. perfect faux-hawk, stubble, designer jeans, hoodie, and a blazer. It was fine until he recognized me from school, then I remembered who he was, and suddenly I felt like I was on the bottom of the totem pole. *awkward flashbacks to high school*

Oh, also, I think it's best if you pay attention to the "best if used by" dates on your cereal boxes, i got some NASTY honey bunches of oats just now.

and just because I havent posted one of these since before the EG conference

Grazed Knees

I'm really too tired to be doing this right now, but when has that stopped me?

As you can see there's a new feel to my blog, there are a few reasons behind this: I'm about to have a change in my life, i thought it appropriate, I was bored with the old look, and I'm finally getting a hang of this blogger in beta thing.

El Veneno mentioned in his comment that I've changed the title to my blog quite a bit, I left it last night as, "This dance is mine," referring to a line in Ani DiFranco's song, Jukebox, which is one of my favorites. Although, I assumed most people wouldnt catch that I decided to change it to something a little more self explanitory, hence Attemptingthepath.

I woke up today feeling numb, I slept sufficiently but I was still tired inside. I got through the day--went to my nieces gymnastics performance, which was adorable. I hate to say it, but I like her more than my other nieces and nephews. I think it's because she seems out of place in her family, much like me.

After her little performance my parents stopped by to get gas for my mom's car. The pump next to us was occupied by our next door neighbor, who happens to also be my uncle. My dad was out pumping the gas, and my uncle got out, my dad is overweight, but my uncle can't wear normal pants he's so large. I couldn't say anything to my mom except, "Are you sure you didn't sleep with someone... how can I be related to them?"

Large people scare me.

My mom quickly changed the conversation over to the fact that my grandma has abandoned shopping at Wal-Mart because they apparently push the gay-agenda. This little tidbit of information really irked me. Mostly because i have a general disdain for the woman who raised my mom. There are a lot of things about her that make me really angry, she's a manipulative life ruiner. I'll share two examples, mostly because I want to vent....wait, make that three.

1. When my brother knocked up his girlfriend, my grandmother wrote a 6 page letter with scriptural references on all the commandments they had broken, and why God was angry with them.
2. WHen i was four, she took me to an anti-abortion rally in Salt Lake. There's actually a picture of me in Time Magazine holding a sign. But 25 years earlier she did everything in her power to try to miscarry three of her children--I wish I could compartmentalize my beliefs as well as she did. To this day she justifies her attempts, saying she didn't feel like she was in the wrong. I. don't. freaking. get. it.
3. And the worst offense of all, she cannot make chocolate chip cookies for the life of her. They're dreadful. They're so bad that I think she isn't a real grandma, that she's some sort space alien, or robot.

I got home, grabbed some nasty pizza, and started talking to Samantha. She asked something along the lines of, "What is it you want?" My gut reaction was terrifying, "to not exist"

I've never let that out before. I'm scared, I'm tired, and I don't want to do this anymore. There's a lot of conflict going on inside of me right now I don't even want to think about.

I texted a friend from the Queerosphere who asked about my day, (this is an edited version, since my text messages rarely make sense. "I'm beginning to realize that I'm not as hapy as I tell myself."

Honesty, and bringing down walls. I think I'm getting better at it.

The Daily Happenings

I've been trying to be better about blogging lately, and also trying to be more honest about it as welll, so i'll get more out of it. So here goes nothing.

Saturday after work I went home, changed out of my shirt and tie, and layered to my hearts content until I felt I was sufficiently good looking. After that I was on my way to Carrot's Christmas party that she was hosting. I was wicked excited to see her again, and to just have a care free evening with some ghetto music and flirting with girls. I walked into the house and the first person I see is the last person I expected to be there.

It was that one random guy I decided to kiss because I wanted the experience. The one that I told about a month ago that I never, ever wanted to see again. Remember the only person that I regretted becoming acquainted with? yeah, that person was there.

Everything came crashing down around me.

I tried to make small talk with him, and Smurf for a minute or so. I got a drink, went back inside, attemptingting small talk again. Failing, I walked outside to grab something else to drink. I sent a desperate text to a few friends. I got really dizzy, I wanted to throw up again, i considered trying to make myself do it because I knew I'd feel better.

I don't know why I couldn't have just joined in with the awkward byu approved Ghetto dancing, or found some random girl to flirt or grind with. Or put on my customer service face and made new friends. Or handled the situation better and made him feel uncomfortable enough to leave. But I couldn't do any of the above, my mind was going too fast to make any decision on how to handle the situation

I ran for my car, almost slipping on the icy sidewalks, I tried calling a dozen different people. I then drove to SkyBluePink's apartment and we talked for a little bit. I drove around the icy backroads of Provo talking to The New Kid. I didn't know what to do. Eventually I went back to SkyBluePink's apartment and we watched aChristmas movie, it distracted me long enough until a friend from the Queerosphere texted me, we talked for over two hours, enough time for me to exhuast myself. Falling asleep wasn't an issue like it usually is when things like this happen.

I slept until 12. I missed most of sacrament meeting, went to Sunday school and was annoyed with Bro. Expletive Delete's 1970's leisure suit that he wore. I wanted to run away during the lesson, but I stayed--a small personal victory.

During Elders Quorum they told mision stories, I held onto my chair to make myself not run out of the class, but my feet were going a mile a minute bouncing around, crossing my legs, uncrossing them, stretching them out. The mission stories finally moved on to the lesson, he drew out a timeline "At 8 you get baptized, 12 the priesthood, and at 19 you go on a mission." I was freaking screaming inside. I stayed most of the lesson--but i'm still counting this one as a win.

I have a lot to think about.

My brain hurts

I've been thinking about the move, again. It's going to be a huge change, and I'm very excited about it. The move is also giving me the opportunity to redefine parts of myself, change ways that I interact with people, et cetera. I've never really had an opportunity like this before, so it's all slightly overwhelming.

--I need to decide on whether or not I put up a straight guy front, this has worked at work for the most part, yet it's frustrating when people ask who I'm currently dating While at my bookstore today, someone commented on how great my smile was, my only thought was, "If you only knew how much I am hurting right now. This is completely fake." *Cue Dashboard Confessional song, Places You Have Come to Fear the Most*

--Yet another funny work story I should tell. I wore a v-neck undershirt today, and you could tell with my dress shirt. I guess it resembled a standard "celestial smile," you know, the really obvious garment line... So I had this elderly gentleman ask me where I served my mission, I told him I haven't. He kept looking at the faux-celestial smile and then at me, then at my neck line. He was so confused! He then continued to ask if I was married, or if I've received my mision call yet. Eventually he gave up and left with his book. I thought it was hilarious.

-- With regards to shaping who I want to be while after I leave Provo, I have this urge to not meet anyone, I don't want anymore friends. I don't want to be social, I want to go to work, school, then hide. I keep thinking it'd be nice to have a very, very small group of friends. Yet, I realize that could possibly, strike that...would be my downfall.

--I kept walking around today feeling like i was about to fall apart. I made it through obviously.

Hmmmm...I think I'm ready to go to bed now...

Tales From Your Local Inspirational Bookstore Part II

Okay the past week at work as been excruciating. I only have 16 days left working there until I'll be moving out of the area, (15 days until Samantha comes to visit!!!!!!) I realize the end is coming, and I want it here faster so I can start my new life.

But the end means no more fun bookstore stories for everyone here...So I'll try to get as many good ones as possible before I leave. Skip the first one, it's lame, i just needed to vent about it.

--Last night a woman came in with an Angel Moroni Tree Topper, besides this being the most disgusting and trashy form of tree topper' available in the universe, she was in need covering up her nasty roots--it was obvious that the rug didn't match the curtains if you know what I mean. Now the Angel Moroni Tree Toppers have a hole where you can insert a branch into the tree, and it also has a base that sticks in the hole so you can display it as a statue (exponentially trashier as a statue). She came in with the base broken off, yet part of it was still in the hole where you'd put the branches, her nasty hair was frazzled, and she had a superior look on her face (girl please, get over yourself) and she demanded that I replace it. I told her we didn't have anymore (for some reason people just went ape-crazy over this kitschy bit of shiny plastic) "I'm aware you don't have any more, no one has anymore! I want you to replace it!" At that moment I realized Christmas lowers someone's IQ ateast 15 points. "Mam ( I only bust out the 'mam' when it's a particularly beasty customer) There isn't anything I can do for you" She glared at me, while the the line of customers grew behind her. I told her one moment. I went into the back, used a blowdryer to heat up the plastic and got some pliers and got out the plug, I took it out to her and she then told me I broke it and she couldn't use the base anymore. After she told me that I put it in a bag and asked for the next person to step up. I did what she freaking asked for then was mad that she couldn't display it as a statue because I broke it...even though she already FREAKING broke it before she brought it in.

--On a different note, SkyBluePink is taking over my job. I'm happy for her. I hope she is a great AtP replacement.

--I just recently noticed I haven't seen the man with ALS and MS and incontinence issues come into my store recently (All were lies--we each individually caught him in them. I blogged about him a few months ago) I guess the scurvy took over his body, or perhaps his Depends were too absorbent and they digested him. Anyway. moving on

--Okay, this one is the most awkward story I think I'll ever be able to share.

**phone rings**
ATP: "This is AtP, how may I help you this evening?"
Crazy Old Lady: "Yes? do you have Sheri Dew's phone number?"
AtP: "Ummmmm...."
COL; "I'm trying to reach Sheri Dew--Do you have her phone number?"
AtP: "No, I don't. Do you have a question?"
COL: "Is she still single?"
AtP: "yes, to the extent of my knowledge--she is still single."
COL: "Well, I'd like to have her meet somebody. I think they'd be a perfect match"
**at this point I'm at a loss for words**
COL: "Do you have the phone number to the Corporate Offices?"
AtP: "Sure, let me grab that for you..."
COL: "Is that going to be long distance?"
AtP: "Yes, it is a Salt Lake phone number."
COL: "Well, I don't like making long distance calls. Could you please call her and tell her to call me back?"
AtP: "No, I don't feel comfortable doing that, did you need anything else?"
COL: **Sounding hurt ** "No...I guess not...Are you sure there isn't any way you could do that?"
AtP: "No. Enjoy your evening."

I hung up the phone and almost threw up because I was feeling SO awkward about the situation. I then recited the story to my fellow co-workers, and a few customers who really did get a kick out of it. I felt sick the rest of the evening.

*sigh*

Okay, the past few days have allowed for a little more introspection than usual. Here's the result.

*I hate what happened about me serving a mission, if i'm ever allowed to think about it I just get absolutely livid. I got screwed over and most of the time I feel like not even trying again

*I hate myself for wanting to date a man, I hate that I want to be held by a guy, I hate that I feel like it's right even though I know it isn't.

The End.

Stay tuned for another installment of "Tales From Your Local Inspirational Bookstore"

Feeling Alive

I ended up on a miny vacation on Sunday and Monday bouncing all over salt lake valley. It was amazing.

--Sunday night it was snowing, I went on a walk and slid all around the streets, I walked down to temple square and took a picture of the temple. Walking around in the snow I felt alive for the first time in a long time.

--Ever since I was in the 9th grade I had issues with compulsively buying Diesel brand shoes. Monday the impulse struck again, I bought a pair of white kicks that I really didn't like. So I'm going to try to take them back today and exchange them for some canvas ones. Hopefully they'll take them back because I walked around in them all day yesterday...they still look new *looks around awkwardly* There was always a scary lesbian (I'm sure she was a lesbian. but i have no Les-dar so I could've been really off)

--I saw a cute lesbian couple at the Gateway. They were adorable. I almost wanted to follow them around and be their new best friend... but I have a feeling they would've been against it.

--I ate Panda Express

--I went to some random Stake's Christmas party. It was entertaining. They had a some greaser guy who is in the single's ward entertain us with honky-tonk Christmas music. Very entertaining if you ask me.

--I had Starbucks twice, but the barista didn't even acknowledge that I was there five hours earlier... I mean, I even flirted with her! Pfff...

--Trax has these little signs that say "No food or drink," and "keep feet off of seats." I proudly say that I broke both of those rules at the same time

anyway, i need to return the argyle sweater, and try to return or exchange the shoes. Then party it up at work.

Drunk Dials

it was seven months that I received my last drunk dial.

Tonight that ticker goes back to 0.

This call included sentences like this...

"I'm sooooo drunk right now"

"Here, talk to AttemptingthePath. He's hot"
"Hey AttemptingthePath...How big is your penis?"
I answered, "I'd rather not talk about that..."
"You dont want to talk about that? You're boring...You aren't hot"
The phone was then handed back to person who originally called me, "I'm so sorry AttemptingthePath...I didn't tell her you were a good person...Oh no, you're offended!!!! I'm SO sorry!!! Call me tomorrow so I know you're not offended"

Hello,

My name is Attemptingthepath. I work at an inspirational bookstore. It's currently 12:21 AM, and I just got home. I get to be back there in 6.5 hours. It's a GREAT thing that I love to sell books to middle aged women.

So I'm in charge of all the framed art in my store, I love doing that, because I have most of the wall space in my store to make it look amazing, or really crappy, depending on how busy we are and how motivated I am. Anywho, so the pictures have been attacked and I had a ton of crap I needed to do...oh, and then I need to put together a tutorial for the new store managers on framed art--I'm sensing a few more late nights at the good ol' inspirational bookstore.

Also at the bookstore where I work is a straight guy...a Stupid Straight Guy.

Tonight I was stuck with him for 4 hours--just us two. Thank you Jesus for letting me be gay, otherwise I might be as annoying as he is, I also might drench myself in Axe body spray, have really bad hair.


I also get to prepare my LAST EQ lesson, well...in this ward. My solution for a calling next semester is shock my new bishop during the getting to know you interview. I'm determined to make it work, I just hope that it doesn't work too well and I loose my ecclesiastical recommendation

Okay. I'm going to make myself write something

I have no idea what's going on right now. Well I do.

--I'm having this huge uphill battle to gain back some self-worth in a spiritual sense.
--I just wrote out a check for the biggest amount ever in my entire life, it made me dizzy.
--I was accepted in the Hill Cumorah Pageant for summer '07. I feel like I should celebrate but I don't really feel deserving of receiving the call to be in the cast.
--I read the publisher's preface in In Quiet Desperation a few days ago, and came across this little gem, "There is power in the blood of Christ. not only to create worlds and part the Red Seas but also to sill the storms of the human heart."
--Last friday I was told that I haven't began to comprehend the love that God has for me. I caught a glimpse of that at FHE on Monday night when we were all singing Christmas Songs. Sitting a row over, there was this couple who has opened their house to us, I've never felt anything but love from them. Last May was the first time I met them, they opened their door and both gave me a hug, and for the first time I felt like they were hugging all who I was. It's kind of crazy that a perfect being loves all of me.
--I'm anticipating the fresh start that I'll be able to have in about four weeks.
--I still feel really empty, right now, I feel physically weak, spiritually empty, and emotionally dead. My Customer Service face is sort of taking over my life--wait...when has it NOT been on all the time?
--20 days until Samantha, Darrin, and the kids come to visit. I can't wait. I could really use one of her magical hugs :-)
--28 days until I move.
--Oh, and I purchased an argyle sweater last night. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.

consider yourselves updated. Okay, and this is not me begging for comments, because I don't care, but have you noticed that ever since we all started chatting with eachother no one really comments anymore?

I think I'm going to miss Provo

The last week has been all over the place. Friday I hit a wall, I couldn't do it anymore without some help. I'm so grateful I could call on a friend to help me. I'm also very grateful for El V, whom I've hung out with 5 out of the last 7 days with--good times

I was driving home from FHE, I felt sorry for the passenger in the front seat, I was attempting conversation but I wasn't there... Obviously from the stupid things I kept saying--wicked sorry about that by the way, in retrospect i said some REALLY stupid things. I was being selfish and just thinking about how in a few weeks I'm leaving Provo, I'll be close, but it's never going to be the same. (insert that over quoted Garden State scene) I mean, I've had some amazing times driving around Provo with my friends.

The summer after I graduated, my parents gave me a digital camera. My two best friends, and I would go take pictures of ourselves at BYU by the new water feature by Heritage Halls, We'd go feed the ducks there. We named most of them Steven the IV.

There is this park in the Edgemont area of Provo at this elementary school that I love. It's so close to the mountains, and the stars seem so bright when compared to the stars in downtown Provo

This past summer I fell in love with Bridal Veil Falls, I was always up there. In Mid-July I thought it'd be fun to walk up the actual waterfall, instead of following the trail. Two weeks prior I found out I was officially rejected from missionary service, and I was hurting a lot. I was with my friend Amanda and we just started going up! It was amazing, When we got up there we stood by waterfall and I just felt the mist all over my body. For the first time in two weeks I actually felt something.

Then there is right now, I'm typing on my laptop listening to Christmas music in my living room with the Christmas lights on. I know I'm completely biased but I think they're the most amazing decorations ever. I'm sure I wont miss my parents, but I'll miss the safety that I feel in a few areas of my house--especially this particular room, with these particular lights.

But my second favorite Nelly Furtado songm Afraid, comes to mind right now.

You wanna spread your wings but you're not sure
Don't wanna leave your comforts
Wanna find a cure
We're afraid of who we see in the mirror
We wanna let go but it feels too pure
Who wants to be alone in this world
You look around and all you see is hurt
But the light it always guides us
If we move with a little trust

You're so afraid of what people might say
But that's okay cuz you're only human
You're so afraid of what people might say
But that's okay you'll soon get strong enough
You're so afraid of what people might say
But that's okay cuz you're only human
You're so afraid of what people might say
You're going to break
So please don't do it

Just posting the lyrics, I guess I appear to be entirely too sentimental and easily manipulated by music. But I feel that right now I'm at this point in my life where I really either need to decide on if I'm going to rise to be that person I know I can be. Or I can do what I've been doing for the past 19 years and try to get by a little longer.

The next few months are going to be the hardest of my life, I'm not prepared for them at all, but at the end of this I know I'll be closer to this person that I know I can be in every aspect of my life.

What's going on

I woke up today with that awful feeling that's been accompanying me for the past month or so. I couldn't shake it. It wasn't going away.

Over the last month I've felt completely worthless. I've been consistently tired. But I haven't been able to sleep very well, I've been numb, attempting to run away from everything.

Tonight, for the first time in such a long time I feel safe, I feel calm.

I've got a lot of work to do. But I know I can do it.