Friday, December 15, 2006

My brain hurts

I've been thinking about the move, again. It's going to be a huge change, and I'm very excited about it. The move is also giving me the opportunity to redefine parts of myself, change ways that I interact with people, et cetera. I've never really had an opportunity like this before, so it's all slightly overwhelming.

--I need to decide on whether or not I put up a straight guy front, this has worked at work for the most part, yet it's frustrating when people ask who I'm currently dating While at my bookstore today, someone commented on how great my smile was, my only thought was, "If you only knew how much I am hurting right now. This is completely fake." *Cue Dashboard Confessional song, Places You Have Come to Fear the Most*

--Yet another funny work story I should tell. I wore a v-neck undershirt today, and you could tell with my dress shirt. I guess it resembled a standard "celestial smile," you know, the really obvious garment line... So I had this elderly gentleman ask me where I served my mission, I told him I haven't. He kept looking at the faux-celestial smile and then at me, then at my neck line. He was so confused! He then continued to ask if I was married, or if I've received my mision call yet. Eventually he gave up and left with his book. I thought it was hilarious.

-- With regards to shaping who I want to be while after I leave Provo, I have this urge to not meet anyone, I don't want anymore friends. I don't want to be social, I want to go to work, school, then hide. I keep thinking it'd be nice to have a very, very small group of friends. Yet, I realize that could possibly, strike that...would be my downfall.

--I kept walking around today feeling like i was about to fall apart. I made it through obviously.

Hmmmm...I think I'm ready to go to bed now...


Sully said...

AtP, I loved the Dashboard Confessional reference. Sometimes I live my life as if the lyrics were written about me. However, I've had no "Hands Down" days yet, so I'm still waiting for that one, if you know what I mean. :)

I also loved the "Celestial smile" story. Hilarious--way to rock and confuse people. That's what being gay and Mormon is all about.

Lastly, I'm sorry that you're hurting so much right now. Let me know if I can help.


el veneno said...

Loved the dashboard reference too. That's my favorite dashboard song and the story of all of our lives. For awhile "the places I have come to fear the most" was the title of my blog

Gay BYU Student said...

Hey I really enjoyed this post as well. I was cracking up at the "faux-celestial smile" story. And I can totally relate to the wanting to go to school, then work, then hide routine. Life would be easier if I didn't have to ever socialize, or answer questions, or try to fit in. But then life would also suck.

Anyway, don't know the dashboard song, but now I'm going to have to listen to it. And I can completely relate to the fake smile - it defines my life. Hope you're feeling better.

Sir Robert Chiltern said...

The opportunity to move somewhere new and set up completely new social circles, habits, etc. is an interesting one. Two summers ago I went out of state for a couple of months. I felt it was an opportunity to start "tabla rasa", so to speak. No one would know who I was, what I was like, or anything. I had the benefit of defining myself from scratch with everyone I met - no one would have any other biases or know me in any way.

To my consternation, my attempt to redefining myself didn't really work. I found out that I was indeed the same person I had always been, and anything external to myself which I thought had been influencing or controlling me was false. In the end I came to some conclusions about myself that I don't think I could have reached in other ways, and I was grateful for them.

I hope you'll enjoy your time up North, and I'll be interested to hear of your experiences and how things go for you.

PS - Although you said you'd like to avoid sociality, I think you'll quickly bail on that idea. I'm in SLC frequently to visit family and friends, let me know if you ever want to take a break.

Darrin said...

News from the old fart. They actually make garments with a V-neck. But you have to be old to know that. Actually, there are all sorts of weird configurations. Something to look forward to.