I've been able to think things over a little, mostly while my parents, older brother and I went about the usual Christmas Eve activities.
In the town where we burried my brother, they have a tradition where families bring illuminaries to put on the gravesites. It's usually really pretty with all this faint lights decorating graves. I didn't get to fully appreciate it this year since we were early and most of the gravesites weren't lit up yet. After we dropped a lantern at my brother's grave we drove to the crazy grandma's house.
During the drive to Crazy Grandma's house I remembered a week ago when I apologized to my mom for something that may happen in the future: Me being hospitalized in an institution of some sort. She looked at me, obviously concerned, then I walked away, went into my room, texted a few people and hid in the corner for a while. After a while I looked at the angles in my room and planned ways to better arrange the picture to lessen the focus on the window in my bedroom. I felt better after that. After I remembered that I felt better. I don't know why.
I felt a little selfish when we pulled into my grandma's driveway, so I pulled myself out of it. I walked into her house, grabbed some Ritz crackers, a bit of the cheese ball, and a cup of wassle. I placed myself against the entertainment center partially participating in the conversation. I learned that my step cousin is the cheerleading coach where The New Kid is from, and she is also getting married the same day that my little cousin is.
My family asked about how many days until I move, they asked me if I was excited. I didn't really want to talk, so I let my mom and let her tell ridiculous stories about, "not letting the door hit me on my way out"
I find myself wanting to find a boyfriend. You know that lame idealistic fantasy that I'm sure you all have, where everything will magically be all better as soon as you can cuddle with some fine piece of man? Yeah, that's been running through my head all weekend, and I hate it.
I need to find balance, I need to stop feeling like a freak for wanting to be held by a guy, I need to stop hating myself for wanting something that doesn't fit into what I really want.