Sunday, December 17, 2006

The Daily Happenings

I've been trying to be better about blogging lately, and also trying to be more honest about it as welll, so i'll get more out of it. So here goes nothing.

Saturday after work I went home, changed out of my shirt and tie, and layered to my hearts content until I felt I was sufficiently good looking. After that I was on my way to Carrot's Christmas party that she was hosting. I was wicked excited to see her again, and to just have a care free evening with some ghetto music and flirting with girls. I walked into the house and the first person I see is the last person I expected to be there.

It was that one random guy I decided to kiss because I wanted the experience. The one that I told about a month ago that I never, ever wanted to see again. Remember the only person that I regretted becoming acquainted with? yeah, that person was there.

Everything came crashing down around me.

I tried to make small talk with him, and Smurf for a minute or so. I got a drink, went back inside, attemptingting small talk again. Failing, I walked outside to grab something else to drink. I sent a desperate text to a few friends. I got really dizzy, I wanted to throw up again, i considered trying to make myself do it because I knew I'd feel better.

I don't know why I couldn't have just joined in with the awkward byu approved Ghetto dancing, or found some random girl to flirt or grind with. Or put on my customer service face and made new friends. Or handled the situation better and made him feel uncomfortable enough to leave. But I couldn't do any of the above, my mind was going too fast to make any decision on how to handle the situation

I ran for my car, almost slipping on the icy sidewalks, I tried calling a dozen different people. I then drove to SkyBluePink's apartment and we talked for a little bit. I drove around the icy backroads of Provo talking to The New Kid. I didn't know what to do. Eventually I went back to SkyBluePink's apartment and we watched aChristmas movie, it distracted me long enough until a friend from the Queerosphere texted me, we talked for over two hours, enough time for me to exhuast myself. Falling asleep wasn't an issue like it usually is when things like this happen.

I slept until 12. I missed most of sacrament meeting, went to Sunday school and was annoyed with Bro. Expletive Delete's 1970's leisure suit that he wore. I wanted to run away during the lesson, but I stayed--a small personal victory.

During Elders Quorum they told mision stories, I held onto my chair to make myself not run out of the class, but my feet were going a mile a minute bouncing around, crossing my legs, uncrossing them, stretching them out. The mission stories finally moved on to the lesson, he drew out a timeline "At 8 you get baptized, 12 the priesthood, and at 19 you go on a mission." I was freaking screaming inside. I stayed most of the lesson--but i'm still counting this one as a win.

I have a lot to think about.

7 comments:

Samantha said...

"At 8 you get baptized, 12 the priesthood, and at 19 you go on a mission."... at 23 you get married, at 30 you have seven kids (and who knows if you sired them all yourself), at 35 you're so far in debt that you have a nervous breakdown, at 40 you become a grandparent, at 60 all your grandkids are screwed up or gay, at 70 you have prostate cancer, at 80 you die.

You should really tell EQ guy to finish the story if he's going to start it.

pinetree said...

Oh man, I'm sorry that you couldn't stay at the party.

Elders Quorum can suck sometimes...especially when you're not an elder. I think you ought to speak up in such classes.

Maybe one day you and I will go on missions and come back with stories to trump them all.

Have a good night. Peace out, ATP

Julie said...

Samantha's timeline made me laugh. And it's far more realistic than the perceived norm. I'm sorry you had such a rough weekend. Hang in there.

Distinguishing Preoccupation said...

Hey man-

Sorry that things didn't go so smooth at the party. I've been in a similar situation before. Instead of attempting to make small talk though I completely ignored him as if I never had seen him before. It was uncomfortable for sure.

You also keep talking about your big move coming up. I guess i must have missed somewhere as to the reason and whereabouts of the move to. Anyway, good luck with everything!

-Caspian
caspiandreams@gmail.com

Distinguishing Preoccupation said...

-Oh yeah, and I 100% understand what you mean about torturing yourself just to sit through an hour of church. It can be tough. Really. Just sweating it out...

-Caspian

el veneno said...

Samantha's hilarious. Thanks.

And thank you ATP for your honest post. The stuff you're going through doesn't sound like any cake walk but I can only imagine how much tougher it would be if you felt like you had to keep to yourself.

Because you count how many times people visit your blog I'm sure you'll see that this is my third visit today. You've got me intrigued with your redesign. It seems like the title was different this morning but now it's "AttemptingThePath" again. I'm trying to figure out all the pieces and decode them... there's all the Ezekman pictures...the guy that isn't you but that I've seen somewhere else ("overlooked")... the red square ("view of a burning city")...the ransom note thought about friendship at the bottom... the japanese lamp post... and then there's the entirely white background (which coordinates perfectly with your new shoes)... It's all very cryptic.
I'm trying to find a meaning in it all. If there is a meaning I'll let you know when I figure it out.
If not, it's a good new look.

Sir Robert Chiltern said...

Hmm. The time line is definitely a tough one. The pressure of the ticking metronome is something I've never been a fan of. It pushes too many people into things they don't want to do.