I've been trying to be better about blogging lately, and also trying to be more honest about it as welll, so i'll get more out of it. So here goes nothing.
Saturday after work I went home, changed out of my shirt and tie, and layered to my hearts content until I felt I was sufficiently good looking. After that I was on my way to Carrot's Christmas party that she was hosting. I was wicked excited to see her again, and to just have a care free evening with some ghetto music and flirting with girls. I walked into the house and the first person I see is the last person I expected to be there.
It was that one random guy I decided to kiss because I wanted the experience. The one that I told about a month ago that I never, ever wanted to see again. Remember the only person that I regretted becoming acquainted with? yeah, that person was there.
Everything came crashing down around me.
I tried to make small talk with him, and Smurf for a minute or so. I got a drink, went back inside, attemptingting small talk again. Failing, I walked outside to grab something else to drink. I sent a desperate text to a few friends. I got really dizzy, I wanted to throw up again, i considered trying to make myself do it because I knew I'd feel better.
I don't know why I couldn't have just joined in with the awkward byu approved Ghetto dancing, or found some random girl to flirt or grind with. Or put on my customer service face and made new friends. Or handled the situation better and made him feel uncomfortable enough to leave. But I couldn't do any of the above, my mind was going too fast to make any decision on how to handle the situation
I ran for my car, almost slipping on the icy sidewalks, I tried calling a dozen different people. I then drove to SkyBluePink's apartment and we talked for a little bit. I drove around the icy backroads of Provo talking to The New Kid. I didn't know what to do. Eventually I went back to SkyBluePink's apartment and we watched aChristmas movie, it distracted me long enough until a friend from the Queerosphere texted me, we talked for over two hours, enough time for me to exhuast myself. Falling asleep wasn't an issue like it usually is when things like this happen.
I slept until 12. I missed most of sacrament meeting, went to Sunday school and was annoyed with Bro. Expletive Delete's 1970's leisure suit that he wore. I wanted to run away during the lesson, but I stayed--a small personal victory.
During Elders Quorum they told mision stories, I held onto my chair to make myself not run out of the class, but my feet were going a mile a minute bouncing around, crossing my legs, uncrossing them, stretching them out. The mission stories finally moved on to the lesson, he drew out a timeline "At 8 you get baptized, 12 the priesthood, and at 19 you go on a mission." I was freaking screaming inside. I stayed most of the lesson--but i'm still counting this one as a win.
I have a lot to think about.