Okay, the past few days have allowed for a little more introspection than usual. Here's the result.
*I hate what happened about me serving a mission, if i'm ever allowed to think about it I just get absolutely livid. I got screwed over and most of the time I feel like not even trying again
*I hate myself for wanting to date a man, I hate that I want to be held by a guy, I hate that I feel like it's right even though I know it isn't.
The End.
Stay tuned for another installment of "Tales From Your Local Inspirational Bookstore"
About Me
- AttemptingthePath
- I’m a twenty-nothing who is trying desperately to figure out my seemingly complicated life that includes being a SSA/Homo/Gay/Whatever Mormon that has pathetically little control over my emotions. By day, I sell priestcrafts (“Have you heard of the new John Bytheway fireside on DVD?” It’s 20% off right now) to old women, who, in fact, think I’m quite endearing and buy four of said DVD. I’m going to pretend that the inverse of the previous statement isn’t necessary because I don’t think it’s any of your business what I do by night. I’ve been described as “adorable, yet offensive,” (OriginalMohomie, 2007) and “Immature.” (Master FOB, numerous occasions) I am still in love with Natalie Portman, hooded-sweatshirts, and quoting movies. And just like my last “about me”, this one is going to peter out at the end. Just … like … now.
3 comments:
AtP, I'm sorry if I came across short in our chat tonight. I'm sorry you're in a tough spot. I'm sorry I can't help you any more than I've already tried to. I'll be sending good thoughts your way.
Aah my friend I'm sorry you feel this way. My prayers are with you. Remember that it won't be like this forever.
You really did get screwed on the mission thing. You can think of it as your trial or God's ways being higher than your ways and maybe it is... You'll probably be a better missionary when you do get to leave than if you had left 6 months ago. Still, it sucks and it's not fair. It sucks that it makes you feel less worthy than all the other punks on missions and it sucks that you have to be in this weird limbo zone waiting for someone else to approve your future. And it especially must suck to not really be able to tell most people what is going on so they get to come up with their own stories. Sorry.
Don't let it lessen your determination to serve a mission though. The world needs you and you deserve the blessings that come from a mission.
Like you, I wish I could trust that what felt right to me actually was right. Unfortunately my feelings are untamed and I've learned they can't always be trusted--not just to keep me in good standing with the church, but to keep me really happy. In that sense, I've painfully realized that God's ways might actually be higher than my own. What I think will fix me doesn't. What God suggests is rarely as exhilarating and sometimes downright excruciating, but it's always best. You are human. Don't hate yourself for that. As far as we mortals go, you're a pretty fine specimen.
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