Monday, December 04, 2006

I think I'm going to miss Provo

The last week has been all over the place. Friday I hit a wall, I couldn't do it anymore without some help. I'm so grateful I could call on a friend to help me. I'm also very grateful for El V, whom I've hung out with 5 out of the last 7 days with--good times

I was driving home from FHE, I felt sorry for the passenger in the front seat, I was attempting conversation but I wasn't there... Obviously from the stupid things I kept saying--wicked sorry about that by the way, in retrospect i said some REALLY stupid things. I was being selfish and just thinking about how in a few weeks I'm leaving Provo, I'll be close, but it's never going to be the same. (insert that over quoted Garden State scene) I mean, I've had some amazing times driving around Provo with my friends.

The summer after I graduated, my parents gave me a digital camera. My two best friends, and I would go take pictures of ourselves at BYU by the new water feature by Heritage Halls, We'd go feed the ducks there. We named most of them Steven the IV.

There is this park in the Edgemont area of Provo at this elementary school that I love. It's so close to the mountains, and the stars seem so bright when compared to the stars in downtown Provo

This past summer I fell in love with Bridal Veil Falls, I was always up there. In Mid-July I thought it'd be fun to walk up the actual waterfall, instead of following the trail. Two weeks prior I found out I was officially rejected from missionary service, and I was hurting a lot. I was with my friend Amanda and we just started going up! It was amazing, When we got up there we stood by waterfall and I just felt the mist all over my body. For the first time in two weeks I actually felt something.

Then there is right now, I'm typing on my laptop listening to Christmas music in my living room with the Christmas lights on. I know I'm completely biased but I think they're the most amazing decorations ever. I'm sure I wont miss my parents, but I'll miss the safety that I feel in a few areas of my house--especially this particular room, with these particular lights.

But my second favorite Nelly Furtado songm Afraid, comes to mind right now.

You wanna spread your wings but you're not sure
Don't wanna leave your comforts
Wanna find a cure
We're afraid of who we see in the mirror
We wanna let go but it feels too pure
Who wants to be alone in this world
You look around and all you see is hurt
But the light it always guides us
If we move with a little trust

You're so afraid of what people might say
But that's okay cuz you're only human
You're so afraid of what people might say
But that's okay you'll soon get strong enough
You're so afraid of what people might say
But that's okay cuz you're only human
You're so afraid of what people might say
You're going to break
So please don't do it

Just posting the lyrics, I guess I appear to be entirely too sentimental and easily manipulated by music. But I feel that right now I'm at this point in my life where I really either need to decide on if I'm going to rise to be that person I know I can be. Or I can do what I've been doing for the past 19 years and try to get by a little longer.

The next few months are going to be the hardest of my life, I'm not prepared for them at all, but at the end of this I know I'll be closer to this person that I know I can be in every aspect of my life.


robb said...

El Buddy-o missed Provo too when he moved up there, but he's been doing great and enjoying the metropolis. You'll do great; besides LDSBC has a bunch of my former students and those international types are loads of fun.

Your talk of music reminds me of another great song, by another Canadian group, the Stills. It's a song of new beginnings and a bit of nostalgia for the way things were. And it has quite possibly one of the greatest first lines of any song, anywhere: "this story ends in bloodshed." I also like the line "A hero never turns around." Sure, it's probably a little tongue-in-cheeck, but there's something to be said for being *a man of action* (which is the name of a great Matt Good song) and not so heavily retrospective and dragged down my shoulda-dones.

Here's some of "In the Beginning" by the Still from Montreal, PQ.

This story ends
In bloodshed
The face I love
The city I'm from
The persons I've met
The persons I've let down
But a hero never turns around

It's nice to see you're moving on
I know it's hard to carry on
But it's just never what it was
In the Beginning

Stephanie said...

Well I might as well quote a song too. The first line of "Always Love" by Nada Surf is "To make a mountain of your life is just a choice." I know you're tough enough to get through these next couple months and come out on top. I will miss you around here, but I'm excited for you that you get to move on to something new. Thanks for being a part of my life. You have made a difference. Don't be a stranger just because you'll live in the city. You're going to be just fine. I know it.
Love you friend.

el veneno said...

I won't miss you one bit.

el veneno said...

Cause you'll live like 4 blocks from me. (In case my first comment sounded too mean)

If sweater shopping is too gay for your taste we should hang out with Robb. Or we could do both.

Samantha said...

Okay--I thought of it:
Things more gay than sweater shopping (when indulged in by gay guys):
1. Shoe shopping.
2. Helping Mom find the perfect dress.
3. Asking, "Does this man-purse make me look fat?"
4. ???

Okay, I was going to add more, but I'm afraid I might enter the "AtP is insulted" zone if I do. He's so sense of humor AT ALL...what am I going to do with him???

Samantha said...

Oh, I almost forgot--you know that guy I married? He loves to shop for sweaters...and shoes...and...bags...

Sully said...

Samantha, the man purses are called "murses." Get with the times, sister!

Actually, I had thought that a "murse" was a male nurse, but in my psych. class today we were discussing gender roles (can you imagine how painful that is for a gay Mormon?). Anyway, the subject of purses came up, and then I was fortunate to be enlightened with a vocabulary increase--"murse" is a male's purse, as well.

And look out for the guy you married...tell me if he starts talking about "quiet desperation," "feeling different," and the latest hair trends. We may have another LDS-SSA on our hands... :)