Tuesday, March 13, 2007

feel free to listen, feel free to stare

One of the reasons why I have been so (delete) messed up lately is all this self-loathing I’ve been experiencing. Let’s take today for example, I was feeling so much better after last night, I was almost smiling from being happy, not because it was expected of me. Then today I was driving around in my car; it was such a beautiful day and I remembered stupid things I’ve said or done over the past few years and at the end of each memory there was an instinctive, “I hate myself.” It makes me sick how much I don’t like who I am!

I’ve been buying a lot of clothes recently—not cheap items either. I’ve also been dressing up more than usual, doing my best to appear colder and walk with confidence. I keep dressing myself up--making myself look good because I can’t make myself feel any better on the inside, I can’t do anything that makes me feel like I’m a worthwhile good-looking person with the things that count.

The portions of the dorm room that are mine are spotless. I vacuumed three times today, organized and reorganized my desk twice, and then color coordinated my closet and organized the drawers: all in an attempt to convince myself that I have things put together and that I am in control. Didn't work.

I bought a new air freshener for my dorm: coconut lime verbena. Besides me being the scent police I have no idea how that fits in with me being utterly (delete) up lately.

8 comments:

My Best Is All I Have said...

Sorry you're feeling blue.

*eHug*

agirlwho said...

Smelling and looking good is no comparison to feeling good inside, but I'd like to have them all together if I could. Just don't fall into the trap of agonizing over past mistakes. Let me give you one of my favorite quotes:

"There is only one day that you and I have to live for, and that's today. There is nothing we can do about yesterday except repent, and there may be no tomorrow. The thing for us to do when we arise from our beds as God gives us a new day, is to take whatever comes to our hands, and do it to the best of our ability." -Harold B. Lee

Today is the most important day. You are wonderful! I love you!

epadavito said...

you're awesome...you made my day yesterday so what else matters..I mean seriously....what else matters......anyway....you should try to do some service - that'll definately help you to realize that those little moments matter but are just little moments.....I'm completely overwhelmed today at school and I freaking hate it - but some random person today told me "this too shall pass" and I was thinking wow - thats scripture - maybe because I'm at a catholic school...but wow.....have a great night!

isaac said...

"Public opinion is a weak tyrant compared with our own private opinion. What a man thinks of himself, that it is which determines, or rather indicates, his fate." -Henry David Thoreau

True statement. The problem is how do we overcome our own negative opinion of ourselves. Its easier said than done. But sometimes I think you just need to force those thoughts out of your mind and try with all of your might to remember the good things about yourself.

As for stupid things done in the past I like to think of this scripture from Isaiah: "Fear not: neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame: for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth..." Isaiah 54:4

The atonement will cover us if we make use of it. We don't need to look on our past with shame anymore. The hardest part is to stop beating ourselves up over it.

-L- said...

I think you're great.

Robb said...

Pull me out of my,
Pull me out of my body
And into the dark


Sometimes you just need to sit in a quiet place, listen to a sad song, and realize that someone else has felt the same way that you did, and they made it through and were even able to write a great song about that feeling.

Le Mec said...

1. I LOVE coconut lime verbena.
2. Your post makes me wonder how often I try to "cover up" my own inadequacies. I also try the "cold and confident" ploy, but it doesn't work too well.
3. Hope things get better for ya. You're an awesome guy!

Linds said...

You are my hero.. you delve deeper into your own thoughts and feelings, that is so admirable. Thank you for the congratulations. You are amazing... you are a big part of what keeps me going... Thank you for being you...