One of the reasons why I have been so (delete) messed up lately is all this self-loathing I’ve been experiencing. Let’s take today for example, I was feeling so much better after last night, I was almost smiling from being happy, not because it was expected of me. Then today I was driving around in my car; it was such a beautiful day and I remembered stupid things I’ve said or done over the past few years and at the end of each memory there was an instinctive, “I hate myself.” It makes me sick how much I don’t like who I am!
I’ve been buying a lot of clothes recently—not cheap items either. I’ve also been dressing up more than usual, doing my best to appear colder and walk with confidence. I keep dressing myself up--making myself look good because I can’t make myself feel any better on the inside, I can’t do anything that makes me feel like I’m a worthwhile good-looking person with the things that count.
The portions of the dorm room that are mine are spotless. I vacuumed three times today, organized and reorganized my desk twice, and then color coordinated my closet and organized the drawers: all in an attempt to convince myself that I have things put together and that I am in control. Didn't work.
I bought a new air freshener for my dorm: coconut lime verbena. Besides me being the scent police I have no idea how that fits in with me being utterly (delete) up lately.