Wednesday, March 14, 2007

.:second place victory:.



“I believe everyone has been chained to something they didn’t love.”

When I first read that, lists flipped through my mind like names on a Rolodex, the next more distressing than the previous one.

I also read in a Postsecret from last summer that confession is the first step towards innocence, so, here we go.

Stepping toward innocence…

Obviously the first thing I’m going to say is that I hate being chained to myself. I find myself yearning to not be who I am, and to have this person that I am be able to lie in the wayside so I can actually enjoy a day for once. Being tied to oneself, such a disabling concept.

I’m tied to my past that was in a co-dependent relationship. There was a time that I found myself not being able to function without someone in my life. I’m sure you are all piecing this one together, but homosexual relationships, for me, are like the flaxen cord described in the scriptures that slowly leads men to hell. At first my eyes were covered, I lost sight of my Redeemer whom only a few months earlier I earnestly testified of. That cord went around my chest, I couldn’t breathe any longer, and in desperation I threw myself in deeper thinking that would possibly solve the mess I found myself in. It is only now that I can see the light momentarily break through the cords covering my eyes, and I can now gasp for air even though it hurts so much to breathe.


I’m chained to what my new therapist will be calling a “compulsive sexual behavior,” I just call it porn and masturbation. They are nice, backstabbing friends that always come back when my life seems to fall apart. I dislike how I lean on them more than I lean on the Savior. Here I am, crying out to my own version of a god, saying “Save me! I can’t do this anymore!” and they buoy me up, numbing me temporarily but I find myself in the same situation, a few days—if not hours later. If I wasn’t chained to this form of an idol that I rely on, yet do not love, I would be happier and have some real confidence.

Also along the same lines, I’m shackled to independence. I am more obsessed with looking like I can do this by myself more than I am concerned with actually surviving. AGirlWho told me last Monday evening in passing, “You can’t pick up all the glass yourself you know,” referring to what I had posted earlier that day. I know I can’t do it, but sometimes it’s nice to pretend, right? (Here’s my action plan, start seeing Therapist—Called and waiting a returning phone call. I’m checking this one off, talk to bishop—check, waiting to hear what’s next…

What are you chained to that you don't love?

6 comments:

Mormon Enigma said...
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Julie said...

Keep going, my friend. Don't fall for Satan's lies. He wants you to think you can do it alone. The beauty of the plan of salvation is that we can't do it alone. The only way we can make it is by relying on the Savior. He saves us. We can't save ourselves. I know you already know all this, but I had to say it anyway. Hang in there.

Just another one said...

I'm not sure what you did that you felt you needed to talk to the bishop about, but as a rule disciplinary counsels are/should be reserved for 1)married people, 2) missionaries 3)people that have murdered or commited adultery. I'm gonna guess you fall outside that seeing as you're not a missionary, probably didnt off someone and are not married nor have you had sex with a married person. Informal probation is the most likely thing that's gonna happen.

Kengo Biddles said...

Disciplinary councils happen all the time. It's the results of them that are generally limited to those that are endowed, married or have the melchizedek priesthood.

agirlwho said...

There's nothing more I can say except I understand and once more, don't attempt to do it all on your own. I am here for you, okay? (I mean, we are together now, right? Hehe...) Turn it over to the Lord and only then you have the promise that everything will be okay. LOVE!

bakersson said...

totally elbow