Friday, March 23, 2007

There's no comfort in the waiting room

Okay I'm back everyone. I decided that after Samantha left I was going to take a break from feeling for a while. It was a nice little vacation, but I'm back. It turns out when I ignore stuff I can't sleep well, which in turns makes me too tired to go to class, makes me not want to eat like I should, and then my life slowly starts to fall apart. Shucks. I used to be really good at shoving everything underneath a rug.

This is terrifying. I've always been able to ignore whatever I wanted for much longer than this. I went three years with ignoring the fact that my oldest brother who was also my best friend killed himself. I ignored the fact that I'm gay for at least a solid 8 years. I was only able to make myself not feel for 4 days. FOUR DAYS! I'm scared this is going to be much more exhausting than I previously thought.

It's time to leave the fence again, put on my brave face and do everything in my power to become who I was meant to become...but I'm so tired.

One day I'll be able to trust myself in any situation, there will be a day in my life when I won't plan my escape everytime I enter a room, I'm hoping that one day I won't over analyze everything that people say. One day I will be happy.

2 comments:

by a thread said...

AtP...hmm...I am sorry you are feeling this way. I guess sometimes while I am feeling icky, I almost want to see if someone else is feeling bad so that I can lose myself in their issues...however...this makes me sad for you and I don't feel better, but I want you to. It is like feeling the pain of a sibling. God loves you. I just don't know what else to say, so now I am just searching for the right words. I for sure don't have the answers. But, you are a great example to me and many. Keep up the good work.

Samantha said...

The amazing thing about doing all you can to become what you can be is that, if you allow it, you never have to do it alone. Not ever.

You've seen me at my worst, witnessed my lack of strength and sleep, you've hugged me when I was weirded-out and yelled at me when I almost killed us both in a car crash-- see --not alone!!

Let the ones who love you be with you every step of the way.

I love you AtP.