It happened again, I woke up feeling messed up, worthless, and broken. I don’t like feeling like this at all. I got in the shower and went to Elders Quorum, and left ten minutes later.
I was with Samantha last weekend, since then we’ve talked a little about finding a counselor for me, then she said something that sort of just made me cringe, “Don’t hide behind being gay.”
I know most of my issues don’t come from being gay, that’s just the way most of them are manifested. For me I don’t have issues with being gay, I have other ones that I still don’t know what they are. I’m experiencing some sort of stress and suddenly I want to jump the nearest guy—I’ve done it too. It doesn’t solve anything.
I have unhealthy coping mechanisms. Masturbation and porn, those are given, I’ve been addicted to porn since I was 12 and things got so much worse after my brother died. I was in a very unhealthy co-dependent relationship for a while, I’m still reeling from the pain I inflicted on myself, when I decided to break that off I didn’t eat any real food for a week. Oh, did I mention I was hypoglycemic? I got around that nasty little fall back by eating 1.5 pounds of starbursts, 2 bags of the suckers with the gum in the middle, and some chocolate just to sustain my glucose level enough I didn’t pass out (oh, by the way, It’s been since December that I’ve weighed myself, I lost 15 pounds in the matter of two weeks and I’m terrified to find out if I have lost any more weight.) As stereotypical as it seems I’ve used shopping as a crutch, and now I’m in some really obnoxious financial situations.
People keep telling me I can’t do this alone, but I don’t know how else to do it, I don’t know how to have people help me. I keep thinking about it, over and over again. I spent last Friday thinking about how to open up. I can’t figure out how to do it. Am I stupid? How is it that someone doesn’t know how to ask for help, or even know how to allow someone to help them?
Stay tuned for a post from Holi, I had a really good time at the festival, I’ll be posting pictures hopefully later today.