Sunday, March 25, 2007

Hold tight, it is just beginning

It happened again, I woke up feeling messed up, worthless, and broken. I don’t like feeling like this at all. I got in the shower and went to Elders Quorum, and left ten minutes later.

I was with Samantha last weekend, since then we’ve talked a little about finding a counselor for me, then she said something that sort of just made me cringe, “Don’t hide behind being gay.”

I know most of my issues don’t come from being gay, that’s just the way most of them are manifested. For me I don’t have issues with being gay, I have other ones that I still don’t know what they are. I’m experiencing some sort of stress and suddenly I want to jump the nearest guy—I’ve done it too. It doesn’t solve anything.

I have unhealthy coping mechanisms. Masturbation and porn, those are given, I’ve been addicted to porn since I was 12 and things got so much worse after my brother died. I was in a very unhealthy co-dependent relationship for a while, I’m still reeling from the pain I inflicted on myself, when I decided to break that off I didn’t eat any real food for a week. Oh, did I mention I was hypoglycemic? I got around that nasty little fall back by eating 1.5 pounds of starbursts, 2 bags of the suckers with the gum in the middle, and some chocolate just to sustain my glucose level enough I didn’t pass out (oh, by the way, It’s been since December that I’ve weighed myself, I lost 15 pounds in the matter of two weeks and I’m terrified to find out if I have lost any more weight.) As stereotypical as it seems I’ve used shopping as a crutch, and now I’m in some really obnoxious financial situations.

People keep telling me I can’t do this alone, but I don’t know how else to do it, I don’t know how to have people help me. I keep thinking about it, over and over again. I spent last Friday thinking about how to open up. I can’t figure out how to do it. Am I stupid? How is it that someone doesn’t know how to ask for help, or even know how to allow someone to help them?

Stay tuned for a post from Holi, I had a really good time at the festival, I’ll be posting pictures hopefully later today.

1 comment:

salad said...

ok, so i have to admit that i was totally on sugar overload after only READING what you ate to keep your sugar level up. oh, and drex and i both friended you on facebook...we're excited.

we need to hang out again. drex and i were thinking about doing a monthly get-together with other mohos this summer. what do you think?