I’ve been really contemplative today. I couldn’t bring myself to go to class today, I didn’t go outside until after four. Samantha called me, and we talked about almost everything for an hour and a half. I love her. I spent the rest of my day writing posts for my secret blog.
When it comes to lessons essential for me to learn I’m pathetically slow, but today I’m coming to terms with the fact that people care for me, worry about me, and love me. I still believe that I’m not worth loving. As much as I don’t want to acknowledge it, that may, in fact, be a fallacy.
The most prominent reason why I don’t want to believe I’m worth loving is that means I may actually have to thrive, grow, and become someone better than who I am. That’s terrifying!
But I stood back for a moment and took everything in: I had one of the most amazing people call me today and we just talked, through that conversation I learned that other people care and are concerned for me, tonight I got a burned CD with some great music from By a Single Thread and a much needed hug and a text message just making sure I was okay.
I’m really scared. Things may be getting messy, or may be getting better, I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m going to face tomorrow, although I do know that I’ll have people who love me and who will be with me every step of the way.
I guess I’m lucky I have so many people who love and care for me. I’m lucky that there are people who have and will invest so much energy into helping me. One day I’ll be free from all of this pain and crap I am going through right now, I’ll be free from my unhealthy coping mechanisms and it will be because of the help I received from those who love me.