Tuesday, March 27, 2007

I'm lucky

I’ve been really contemplative today. I couldn’t bring myself to go to class today, I didn’t go outside until after four. Samantha called me, and we talked about almost everything for an hour and a half. I love her. I spent the rest of my day writing posts for my secret blog.

When it comes to lessons essential for me to learn I’m pathetically slow, but today I’m coming to terms with the fact that people care for me, worry about me, and love me. I still believe that I’m not worth loving. As much as I don’t want to acknowledge it, that may, in fact, be a fallacy.

The most prominent reason why I don’t want to believe I’m worth loving is that means I may actually have to thrive, grow, and become someone better than who I am. That’s terrifying!

But I stood back for a moment and took everything in: I had one of the most amazing people call me today and we just talked, through that conversation I learned that other people care and are concerned for me, tonight I got a burned CD with some great music from By a Single Thread and a much needed hug and a text message just making sure I was okay.

I’m really scared. Things may be getting messy, or may be getting better, I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m going to face tomorrow, although I do know that I’ll have people who love me and who will be with me every step of the way.

I guess I’m lucky I have so many people who love and care for me. I’m lucky that there are people who have and will invest so much energy into helping me. One day I’ll be free from all of this pain and crap I am going through right now, I’ll be free from my unhealthy coping mechanisms and it will be because of the help I received from those who love me.

8 comments:

drex said...

People who care are easier to care about, for me. Despite only meeting you briefly and only reading your blog for a few weeks now, I feel a sort of kinship and a definite level of caring. You're a son of God struggling through life and trying to constantly do what's right. What is there not to love with that? We all mess up sometimes, but love and caring aren't dependent on whether or not one slips up. You're you, and those who care, care about you. If you let yourself get down, remember that we're here to lift you up, if you'll let us, and that there are those of us who won't give up caring.

Loyalist (with defects) said...

Know you continue to be in my prayers.

salad said...

I must agree with the comments that Drex made. We only met once, but from that one meeting I know that you're an incredible person and one definitely worth caring about. If you ever need anything don't hesitate to contact me or Drex because we'll do whatever we can to help!

Mormon Enigma said...

FWIW, we've never met in person (and probably never will), but I care about you.

by a thread said...

God knows you. He loves you. He wants you to be happy, as do many other people here. Friends and others!

Thrasius said...

You are totally right. There are a lot of people who love you and care about you. Try not to hate yourself, I spent the first 20 something years of my life doing that and it sucks. Life just opens up when you learn to truly respect and love yourself. I'm here if you ever need to chat.

Thrasius said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
agirlwho said...

We need each other. The Lord makes this fact clear to me on a daily basis. We can't do anything without each other and we can't do anything without Him. We are unable to progress alone. I am so glad that you see the need to turn to friends for help in difficult times. Don't ever feel like you need to suffer alone. Have you ever noticed something about the nature of suffering? It is impossible to fully suffer when you are with someone who cares about you. Christ suffered for us, but only when the Father left Him alone. Isn't that interesting? It was necessary, of course, but we do not need to suffer to that extent because he already did it for us. Remember that you are loved.