I'm sad no one jumped on the "Gay Mormon Survivor," idea.

#137

Some things take longer to process than others. For example, having a light lunch with a friend where you are discussing the latest life choices of L. Lohan doesn't take as much energy as say, spending countless hours with the Queen of the Queerosphere laughing, and trying to pick up on every single glance, hand motion, double meanings, and that awkward looking man in the Hawaiian shirt in my peripheral vision.

I got my Christmas present, from the Queen and her ever so dedicated husband, and I must say I've never seen a Tshirt loaded with so many meanings :the obvious, the personal, and the\ disgusting innuendo.

I'm laying in my bed, not quite sure what to think or feel, which in turn is an excellent reason why I haven't typed anthing for the last five minutes.

For one, I'm not very happy with the way my blog is going, but I should be. Remember when it was all inspirational? Great quotes, and all that jazz? Now it's just me whining all the freaking time. I feel like maybe I'm being more honest with myself, yet, I'm noticing I'm not having any spiritual experiences. I need to work on that one.

Tonight we hit a topic that I'm very grateful we only spent a moment on, that is The Blunder (which is not to be confused with The Blender which is the given name of one of my Christmas presents) I realized just how terrifying of a sitaution I was really in. How grateful I am that I have a Heavenly Father who helped me get out of a mess I willingly threw myself into.

I really don't like coming up with titles

1. This is my last week of work at Your Local Inspirational Bookstore. I'm very, very excited.

2. I've come to the realization that I need to find some other coping mechanisms. I hate the ones that I'm currently using, and as soon as said method I can feel the emotions that I've put off creeping around in the back of my mind waiting to pounce on me again.

3. Ive gotten like 6 or 7 emails via myspace from "Mr. C." (Please refer to "An Open Response to an Email, November 2006,") in the last 36 hours. The first five emails were him flip flopping from chastising me for being a not-so-good person, then apologizing. Then he noticed that I forwarded them to a friend, he sent me another email asking who I forwarded them to. I asked him never to email me again, and a few minutes later I had a lengthy response which included fun things like accusing me of being a racist, a hypocrite, and judging people for not looking like Abercrombie and Fitch models.

Girl please: I'm pretty sure I'm not a racist (I mean, I would have friends who aren't white ...if there were any around Provo...) I'll own up to the hypocrite one, but if he thinks i'm bad now, he should've seen me back in high school. I was great at sluffing school to go home to look at porn and then go back to seminary and quote scripture pretending to be the perfect mormon boy. Then Mr. C. said I wasn't his friend because he isn't an A&F model. The thing is, it isn't about looks. I mean, for those of you who have actually seen me can say that I'm not attractive. I'm a gangly awkward looking kid with girly wrists who has REALLY bad posture. I'm thinking more about this topic. I'll post more later.

4. I think it'd be great to have a Gay Mormon Survivor. We can vote people out of The Family. The prize can be like a day at the salon, or a paid trip to the Evergreen Conference, which is hella fun if youre hanging out with Samantha and I.

5. Christmas was good. I took a really long nap, which is why i'm typing this at 4:15 AM.

6. I need to find something cool to do on New Years Eve.

The Oil and the Water

I've been able to think things over a little, mostly while my parents, older brother and I went about the usual Christmas Eve activities.

In the town where we burried my brother, they have a tradition where families bring illuminaries to put on the gravesites. It's usually really pretty with all this faint lights decorating graves. I didn't get to fully appreciate it this year since we were early and most of the gravesites weren't lit up yet. After we dropped a lantern at my brother's grave we drove to the crazy grandma's house.

During the drive to Crazy Grandma's house I remembered a week ago when I apologized to my mom for something that may happen in the future: Me being hospitalized in an institution of some sort. She looked at me, obviously concerned, then I walked away, went into my room, texted a few people and hid in the corner for a while. After a while I looked at the angles in my room and planned ways to better arrange the picture to lessen the focus on the window in my bedroom. I felt better after that. After I remembered that I felt better. I don't know why.

I felt a little selfish when we pulled into my grandma's driveway, so I pulled myself out of it. I walked into her house, grabbed some Ritz crackers, a bit of the cheese ball, and a cup of wassle. I placed myself against the entertainment center partially participating in the conversation. I learned that my step cousin is the cheerleading coach where The New Kid is from, and she is also getting married the same day that my little cousin is.

My family asked about how many days until I move, they asked me if I was excited. I didn't really want to talk, so I let my mom and let her tell ridiculous stories about, "not letting the door hit me on my way out"

I find myself wanting to find a boyfriend. You know that lame idealistic fantasy that I'm sure you all have, where everything will magically be all better as soon as you can cuddle with some fine piece of man? Yeah, that's been running through my head all weekend, and I hate it.

I need to find balance, I need to stop feeling like a freak for wanting to be held by a guy, I need to stop hating myself for wanting something that doesn't fit into what I really want.

*yawn*

Okay, i think something is wrong, something just isn't right. There's a lot going on inside of me that I can't figure out. I feel bad i'm a horrible friend, but other than that I can't put my finger on it...

I just want to be okay. I don't want to be messed up inside. I just want to be okay.

I've been meaning to blog about this for a few weeks now.

My favorite word to type with one hand is "average"

come on, give it a whirl...I'm sure you'll enjoy it as much as I did.

and one more for the road.

average.


Oh, and the visitor spotlight for the evening is from Snelville, Georgia. thanks for stopping by--and it IS okay if you leave a comment ;-)

Okay, seriously, i'm just in cruise control until Christmas is over. that's why there have been this really lame post, and the one prior. i'll work on that

No title today kids, sorry.

Thanks to my lovely statcounter I have found out that I am a google first pager again, and this time for "Angel Moroni TreeToppers." I hope I didn't scar anyone who stumbled onto my blog. I'm a messed up rejected missionary who is doing his best, and if you had an internet filtration device, you couldn't have even gotten here...you might want to consider that.

There was this fine piece of eye-candy who came into my store this evening. perfect faux-hawk, stubble, designer jeans, hoodie, and a blazer. It was fine until he recognized me from school, then I remembered who he was, and suddenly I felt like I was on the bottom of the totem pole. *awkward flashbacks to high school*

Oh, also, I think it's best if you pay attention to the "best if used by" dates on your cereal boxes, i got some NASTY honey bunches of oats just now.

and just because I havent posted one of these since before the EG conference

Grazed Knees

I'm really too tired to be doing this right now, but when has that stopped me?

As you can see there's a new feel to my blog, there are a few reasons behind this: I'm about to have a change in my life, i thought it appropriate, I was bored with the old look, and I'm finally getting a hang of this blogger in beta thing.

El Veneno mentioned in his comment that I've changed the title to my blog quite a bit, I left it last night as, "This dance is mine," referring to a line in Ani DiFranco's song, Jukebox, which is one of my favorites. Although, I assumed most people wouldnt catch that I decided to change it to something a little more self explanitory, hence Attemptingthepath.

I woke up today feeling numb, I slept sufficiently but I was still tired inside. I got through the day--went to my nieces gymnastics performance, which was adorable. I hate to say it, but I like her more than my other nieces and nephews. I think it's because she seems out of place in her family, much like me.

After her little performance my parents stopped by to get gas for my mom's car. The pump next to us was occupied by our next door neighbor, who happens to also be my uncle. My dad was out pumping the gas, and my uncle got out, my dad is overweight, but my uncle can't wear normal pants he's so large. I couldn't say anything to my mom except, "Are you sure you didn't sleep with someone... how can I be related to them?"

Large people scare me.

My mom quickly changed the conversation over to the fact that my grandma has abandoned shopping at Wal-Mart because they apparently push the gay-agenda. This little tidbit of information really irked me. Mostly because i have a general disdain for the woman who raised my mom. There are a lot of things about her that make me really angry, she's a manipulative life ruiner. I'll share two examples, mostly because I want to vent....wait, make that three.

1. When my brother knocked up his girlfriend, my grandmother wrote a 6 page letter with scriptural references on all the commandments they had broken, and why God was angry with them.
2. WHen i was four, she took me to an anti-abortion rally in Salt Lake. There's actually a picture of me in Time Magazine holding a sign. But 25 years earlier she did everything in her power to try to miscarry three of her children--I wish I could compartmentalize my beliefs as well as she did. To this day she justifies her attempts, saying she didn't feel like she was in the wrong. I. don't. freaking. get. it.
3. And the worst offense of all, she cannot make chocolate chip cookies for the life of her. They're dreadful. They're so bad that I think she isn't a real grandma, that she's some sort space alien, or robot.

I got home, grabbed some nasty pizza, and started talking to Samantha. She asked something along the lines of, "What is it you want?" My gut reaction was terrifying, "to not exist"

I've never let that out before. I'm scared, I'm tired, and I don't want to do this anymore. There's a lot of conflict going on inside of me right now I don't even want to think about.

I texted a friend from the Queerosphere who asked about my day, (this is an edited version, since my text messages rarely make sense. "I'm beginning to realize that I'm not as hapy as I tell myself."

Honesty, and bringing down walls. I think I'm getting better at it.

The Daily Happenings

I've been trying to be better about blogging lately, and also trying to be more honest about it as welll, so i'll get more out of it. So here goes nothing.

Saturday after work I went home, changed out of my shirt and tie, and layered to my hearts content until I felt I was sufficiently good looking. After that I was on my way to Carrot's Christmas party that she was hosting. I was wicked excited to see her again, and to just have a care free evening with some ghetto music and flirting with girls. I walked into the house and the first person I see is the last person I expected to be there.

It was that one random guy I decided to kiss because I wanted the experience. The one that I told about a month ago that I never, ever wanted to see again. Remember the only person that I regretted becoming acquainted with? yeah, that person was there.

Everything came crashing down around me.

I tried to make small talk with him, and Smurf for a minute or so. I got a drink, went back inside, attemptingting small talk again. Failing, I walked outside to grab something else to drink. I sent a desperate text to a few friends. I got really dizzy, I wanted to throw up again, i considered trying to make myself do it because I knew I'd feel better.

I don't know why I couldn't have just joined in with the awkward byu approved Ghetto dancing, or found some random girl to flirt or grind with. Or put on my customer service face and made new friends. Or handled the situation better and made him feel uncomfortable enough to leave. But I couldn't do any of the above, my mind was going too fast to make any decision on how to handle the situation

I ran for my car, almost slipping on the icy sidewalks, I tried calling a dozen different people. I then drove to SkyBluePink's apartment and we talked for a little bit. I drove around the icy backroads of Provo talking to The New Kid. I didn't know what to do. Eventually I went back to SkyBluePink's apartment and we watched aChristmas movie, it distracted me long enough until a friend from the Queerosphere texted me, we talked for over two hours, enough time for me to exhuast myself. Falling asleep wasn't an issue like it usually is when things like this happen.

I slept until 12. I missed most of sacrament meeting, went to Sunday school and was annoyed with Bro. Expletive Delete's 1970's leisure suit that he wore. I wanted to run away during the lesson, but I stayed--a small personal victory.

During Elders Quorum they told mision stories, I held onto my chair to make myself not run out of the class, but my feet were going a mile a minute bouncing around, crossing my legs, uncrossing them, stretching them out. The mission stories finally moved on to the lesson, he drew out a timeline "At 8 you get baptized, 12 the priesthood, and at 19 you go on a mission." I was freaking screaming inside. I stayed most of the lesson--but i'm still counting this one as a win.

I have a lot to think about.

My brain hurts

I've been thinking about the move, again. It's going to be a huge change, and I'm very excited about it. The move is also giving me the opportunity to redefine parts of myself, change ways that I interact with people, et cetera. I've never really had an opportunity like this before, so it's all slightly overwhelming.

--I need to decide on whether or not I put up a straight guy front, this has worked at work for the most part, yet it's frustrating when people ask who I'm currently dating While at my bookstore today, someone commented on how great my smile was, my only thought was, "If you only knew how much I am hurting right now. This is completely fake." *Cue Dashboard Confessional song, Places You Have Come to Fear the Most*

--Yet another funny work story I should tell. I wore a v-neck undershirt today, and you could tell with my dress shirt. I guess it resembled a standard "celestial smile," you know, the really obvious garment line... So I had this elderly gentleman ask me where I served my mission, I told him I haven't. He kept looking at the faux-celestial smile and then at me, then at my neck line. He was so confused! He then continued to ask if I was married, or if I've received my mision call yet. Eventually he gave up and left with his book. I thought it was hilarious.

-- With regards to shaping who I want to be while after I leave Provo, I have this urge to not meet anyone, I don't want anymore friends. I don't want to be social, I want to go to work, school, then hide. I keep thinking it'd be nice to have a very, very small group of friends. Yet, I realize that could possibly, strike that...would be my downfall.

--I kept walking around today feeling like i was about to fall apart. I made it through obviously.

Hmmmm...I think I'm ready to go to bed now...

Tales From Your Local Inspirational Bookstore Part II

Okay the past week at work as been excruciating. I only have 16 days left working there until I'll be moving out of the area, (15 days until Samantha comes to visit!!!!!!) I realize the end is coming, and I want it here faster so I can start my new life.

But the end means no more fun bookstore stories for everyone here...So I'll try to get as many good ones as possible before I leave. Skip the first one, it's lame, i just needed to vent about it.

--Last night a woman came in with an Angel Moroni Tree Topper, besides this being the most disgusting and trashy form of tree topper' available in the universe, she was in need covering up her nasty roots--it was obvious that the rug didn't match the curtains if you know what I mean. Now the Angel Moroni Tree Toppers have a hole where you can insert a branch into the tree, and it also has a base that sticks in the hole so you can display it as a statue (exponentially trashier as a statue). She came in with the base broken off, yet part of it was still in the hole where you'd put the branches, her nasty hair was frazzled, and she had a superior look on her face (girl please, get over yourself) and she demanded that I replace it. I told her we didn't have anymore (for some reason people just went ape-crazy over this kitschy bit of shiny plastic) "I'm aware you don't have any more, no one has anymore! I want you to replace it!" At that moment I realized Christmas lowers someone's IQ ateast 15 points. "Mam ( I only bust out the 'mam' when it's a particularly beasty customer) There isn't anything I can do for you" She glared at me, while the the line of customers grew behind her. I told her one moment. I went into the back, used a blowdryer to heat up the plastic and got some pliers and got out the plug, I took it out to her and she then told me I broke it and she couldn't use the base anymore. After she told me that I put it in a bag and asked for the next person to step up. I did what she freaking asked for then was mad that she couldn't display it as a statue because I broke it...even though she already FREAKING broke it before she brought it in.

--On a different note, SkyBluePink is taking over my job. I'm happy for her. I hope she is a great AtP replacement.

--I just recently noticed I haven't seen the man with ALS and MS and incontinence issues come into my store recently (All were lies--we each individually caught him in them. I blogged about him a few months ago) I guess the scurvy took over his body, or perhaps his Depends were too absorbent and they digested him. Anyway. moving on

--Okay, this one is the most awkward story I think I'll ever be able to share.

**phone rings**
ATP: "This is AtP, how may I help you this evening?"
Crazy Old Lady: "Yes? do you have Sheri Dew's phone number?"
AtP: "Ummmmm...."
COL; "I'm trying to reach Sheri Dew--Do you have her phone number?"
AtP: "No, I don't. Do you have a question?"
COL: "Is she still single?"
AtP: "yes, to the extent of my knowledge--she is still single."
COL: "Well, I'd like to have her meet somebody. I think they'd be a perfect match"
**at this point I'm at a loss for words**
COL: "Do you have the phone number to the Corporate Offices?"
AtP: "Sure, let me grab that for you..."
COL: "Is that going to be long distance?"
AtP: "Yes, it is a Salt Lake phone number."
COL: "Well, I don't like making long distance calls. Could you please call her and tell her to call me back?"
AtP: "No, I don't feel comfortable doing that, did you need anything else?"
COL: **Sounding hurt ** "No...I guess not...Are you sure there isn't any way you could do that?"
AtP: "No. Enjoy your evening."

I hung up the phone and almost threw up because I was feeling SO awkward about the situation. I then recited the story to my fellow co-workers, and a few customers who really did get a kick out of it. I felt sick the rest of the evening.

*sigh*

Okay, the past few days have allowed for a little more introspection than usual. Here's the result.

*I hate what happened about me serving a mission, if i'm ever allowed to think about it I just get absolutely livid. I got screwed over and most of the time I feel like not even trying again

*I hate myself for wanting to date a man, I hate that I want to be held by a guy, I hate that I feel like it's right even though I know it isn't.

The End.

Stay tuned for another installment of "Tales From Your Local Inspirational Bookstore"

Feeling Alive

I ended up on a miny vacation on Sunday and Monday bouncing all over salt lake valley. It was amazing.

--Sunday night it was snowing, I went on a walk and slid all around the streets, I walked down to temple square and took a picture of the temple. Walking around in the snow I felt alive for the first time in a long time.

--Ever since I was in the 9th grade I had issues with compulsively buying Diesel brand shoes. Monday the impulse struck again, I bought a pair of white kicks that I really didn't like. So I'm going to try to take them back today and exchange them for some canvas ones. Hopefully they'll take them back because I walked around in them all day yesterday...they still look new *looks around awkwardly* There was always a scary lesbian (I'm sure she was a lesbian. but i have no Les-dar so I could've been really off)

--I saw a cute lesbian couple at the Gateway. They were adorable. I almost wanted to follow them around and be their new best friend... but I have a feeling they would've been against it.

--I ate Panda Express

--I went to some random Stake's Christmas party. It was entertaining. They had a some greaser guy who is in the single's ward entertain us with honky-tonk Christmas music. Very entertaining if you ask me.

--I had Starbucks twice, but the barista didn't even acknowledge that I was there five hours earlier... I mean, I even flirted with her! Pfff...

--Trax has these little signs that say "No food or drink," and "keep feet off of seats." I proudly say that I broke both of those rules at the same time

anyway, i need to return the argyle sweater, and try to return or exchange the shoes. Then party it up at work.

Drunk Dials

it was seven months that I received my last drunk dial.

Tonight that ticker goes back to 0.

This call included sentences like this...

"I'm sooooo drunk right now"

"Here, talk to AttemptingthePath. He's hot"
"Hey AttemptingthePath...How big is your penis?"
I answered, "I'd rather not talk about that..."
"You dont want to talk about that? You're boring...You aren't hot"
The phone was then handed back to person who originally called me, "I'm so sorry AttemptingthePath...I didn't tell her you were a good person...Oh no, you're offended!!!! I'm SO sorry!!! Call me tomorrow so I know you're not offended"

Hello,

My name is Attemptingthepath. I work at an inspirational bookstore. It's currently 12:21 AM, and I just got home. I get to be back there in 6.5 hours. It's a GREAT thing that I love to sell books to middle aged women.

So I'm in charge of all the framed art in my store, I love doing that, because I have most of the wall space in my store to make it look amazing, or really crappy, depending on how busy we are and how motivated I am. Anywho, so the pictures have been attacked and I had a ton of crap I needed to do...oh, and then I need to put together a tutorial for the new store managers on framed art--I'm sensing a few more late nights at the good ol' inspirational bookstore.

Also at the bookstore where I work is a straight guy...a Stupid Straight Guy.

Tonight I was stuck with him for 4 hours--just us two. Thank you Jesus for letting me be gay, otherwise I might be as annoying as he is, I also might drench myself in Axe body spray, have really bad hair.


I also get to prepare my LAST EQ lesson, well...in this ward. My solution for a calling next semester is shock my new bishop during the getting to know you interview. I'm determined to make it work, I just hope that it doesn't work too well and I loose my ecclesiastical recommendation

Okay. I'm going to make myself write something

I have no idea what's going on right now. Well I do.

--I'm having this huge uphill battle to gain back some self-worth in a spiritual sense.
--I just wrote out a check for the biggest amount ever in my entire life, it made me dizzy.
--I was accepted in the Hill Cumorah Pageant for summer '07. I feel like I should celebrate but I don't really feel deserving of receiving the call to be in the cast.
--I read the publisher's preface in In Quiet Desperation a few days ago, and came across this little gem, "There is power in the blood of Christ. not only to create worlds and part the Red Seas but also to sill the storms of the human heart."
--Last friday I was told that I haven't began to comprehend the love that God has for me. I caught a glimpse of that at FHE on Monday night when we were all singing Christmas Songs. Sitting a row over, there was this couple who has opened their house to us, I've never felt anything but love from them. Last May was the first time I met them, they opened their door and both gave me a hug, and for the first time I felt like they were hugging all who I was. It's kind of crazy that a perfect being loves all of me.
--I'm anticipating the fresh start that I'll be able to have in about four weeks.
--I still feel really empty, right now, I feel physically weak, spiritually empty, and emotionally dead. My Customer Service face is sort of taking over my life--wait...when has it NOT been on all the time?
--20 days until Samantha, Darrin, and the kids come to visit. I can't wait. I could really use one of her magical hugs :-)
--28 days until I move.
--Oh, and I purchased an argyle sweater last night. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.

consider yourselves updated. Okay, and this is not me begging for comments, because I don't care, but have you noticed that ever since we all started chatting with eachother no one really comments anymore?

I think I'm going to miss Provo

The last week has been all over the place. Friday I hit a wall, I couldn't do it anymore without some help. I'm so grateful I could call on a friend to help me. I'm also very grateful for El V, whom I've hung out with 5 out of the last 7 days with--good times

I was driving home from FHE, I felt sorry for the passenger in the front seat, I was attempting conversation but I wasn't there... Obviously from the stupid things I kept saying--wicked sorry about that by the way, in retrospect i said some REALLY stupid things. I was being selfish and just thinking about how in a few weeks I'm leaving Provo, I'll be close, but it's never going to be the same. (insert that over quoted Garden State scene) I mean, I've had some amazing times driving around Provo with my friends.

The summer after I graduated, my parents gave me a digital camera. My two best friends, and I would go take pictures of ourselves at BYU by the new water feature by Heritage Halls, We'd go feed the ducks there. We named most of them Steven the IV.

There is this park in the Edgemont area of Provo at this elementary school that I love. It's so close to the mountains, and the stars seem so bright when compared to the stars in downtown Provo

This past summer I fell in love with Bridal Veil Falls, I was always up there. In Mid-July I thought it'd be fun to walk up the actual waterfall, instead of following the trail. Two weeks prior I found out I was officially rejected from missionary service, and I was hurting a lot. I was with my friend Amanda and we just started going up! It was amazing, When we got up there we stood by waterfall and I just felt the mist all over my body. For the first time in two weeks I actually felt something.

Then there is right now, I'm typing on my laptop listening to Christmas music in my living room with the Christmas lights on. I know I'm completely biased but I think they're the most amazing decorations ever. I'm sure I wont miss my parents, but I'll miss the safety that I feel in a few areas of my house--especially this particular room, with these particular lights.

But my second favorite Nelly Furtado songm Afraid, comes to mind right now.

You wanna spread your wings but you're not sure
Don't wanna leave your comforts
Wanna find a cure
We're afraid of who we see in the mirror
We wanna let go but it feels too pure
Who wants to be alone in this world
You look around and all you see is hurt
But the light it always guides us
If we move with a little trust

You're so afraid of what people might say
But that's okay cuz you're only human
You're so afraid of what people might say
But that's okay you'll soon get strong enough
You're so afraid of what people might say
But that's okay cuz you're only human
You're so afraid of what people might say
You're going to break
So please don't do it

Just posting the lyrics, I guess I appear to be entirely too sentimental and easily manipulated by music. But I feel that right now I'm at this point in my life where I really either need to decide on if I'm going to rise to be that person I know I can be. Or I can do what I've been doing for the past 19 years and try to get by a little longer.

The next few months are going to be the hardest of my life, I'm not prepared for them at all, but at the end of this I know I'll be closer to this person that I know I can be in every aspect of my life.

What's going on

I woke up today with that awful feeling that's been accompanying me for the past month or so. I couldn't shake it. It wasn't going away.

Over the last month I've felt completely worthless. I've been consistently tired. But I haven't been able to sleep very well, I've been numb, attempting to run away from everything.

Tonight, for the first time in such a long time I feel safe, I feel calm.

I've got a lot of work to do. But I know I can do it.

Afraid.

I'll just say that Samantha's comments were very, very timely. If we didn't talk before I hung out with The First Kiss I would've been a huge mess the ENTIRE night. Thank you.

Along the same line of things I almost threw up about four times tonight.

I really want to become this person I know I can be... but then I have all this crap that is being thrown around inside of me. I want it to go away, or atleast not having my insides being tossed around

*Le Sigh*

Me: Why am I stressed out about hanging out with The First Kiss?

Ken: You like her? Well, you ARE also on the rebound.

Me: Dang, youre right.

On a random note, yesterday there was this wicked awesome Tshirt stand, one of the shirts there had "SL, UT" on it. I think i'm going to buy it next time I'm up there...

there's also a bunch of shirts on the French Connection United Kingdom website that have the company's acronym in suggestive phrases. Good times

An Open Response to an Email

After spending most of the day up north looking at dorms, hanging out with El Veneno (and trying to set him up with a friend of mine...too bad I'm not 'so premium' at mixed orientation match making...yet:-D)

I came home and checked my email. Too many, I skimmed through them, then noticing one from a person I thought I would never see in my inbox again. it was a little unnerving to be honest. This is the person who was at FHE the first of October, he asked for my phone number and I gave him a fake one--then blogged about it. if you can't recall this post, it's the first post in October. And since this is my blog, I decided to reply on my blog instead of email--because it'd be fun, and I need to post today. I also know that this person reads my blog--So hear it goes!

There are several points I want to cover Mr. C and since it's late I'll probably miss quite a few before I lose interest and I'll just post this incomplete. Let me preface this by saying that I understand what you wrote, your email was heartfelt and I applaud you for that

1. You said I'm very lucky to have so many friends and so much support. You are right, I'm very lucky to have a vast support group of people I can call on at any time if I ever need anything. I'm very blessed to have such a group of people--and whenever I remember to pray, (consistant prayer is a weakness of mine) my mo-ho (This is a Tito Term for Mormon Homosexual, spread it like wildfire kids!) friends are at the top of the list of things I'm grateful for.

2. You also said that what I wrote about you and your friend "was really mean." and also "cutting and hurtful" My response to that is, THIS IS MY BLOG! This is my place to dump whatever I'm feeling out and not let it fester inside of me. To clue you in to what I was going through at the time you asked for my phone number let me explain the following. A few days earlier I received an email with very sexual comments in it--this person also physically resembes you, and then had people express interest in meeting me which violated every bit of anonymity I thought I had. Then you come up and ask for my phone number after metting you three minutes prior. Red flags went up, and I went into "Creep Alert Mode." I wasn't in the mood for a heart to heart and sharing feelings with someone who was scaring the crap out of me.

3. In the later part of your email you mentioned that I should be your friends with your friends And this is my reply. I've met the guys you are talking about, they're very nice and quite genuine, and I'm sure they're just down right amazing kids. But there is a point that every gay mormon reaches where they can't be friends with every single other gay mormon out there! I'm at the point now where I'm looking for friends that I actually click with on more than just the sexuality thing. I'm SO bored of the gay topic, and I feel that with them--that's all we'd have in common.

It's great to have friends with similar life experiences, but there isn't a point beating the dead gay horse any more in my life. If it happens to come up in conversation, that's fine! I'm okay with that! It does need to be talked about. But I will NOT be anyones friend JUST because we're both gay and mormon.

4. My Dead Gay Brother's Last Boyfriend (hereby known as MDGBLB) is a mutual acquaintance of ours. In fact, as soon as someone whispered it was you, I had to meet you in person because MDGBLB talked about you before. You wrote some true things about him. He doesn't believe in the church anymore. MDGBLB was there for me, he's always made sure that I was surviving. And from the mean things you've said to him (I believe "slutty cum dumpster" was one of those not so nice phrases you used--although complete hearsay, MDGBLB could have made that up) but I think you need a lesson on Christlike communication.

5. You also blamed me for ruining the experience you had at FHE. That's how you CHOSE to react about what I wrote. You could have brushed it off and said that it was the opinion of one person, yet you let it fester inside. Your fault, and never ever blame my writing for ruining something for you ever again.

Like I earlier predicted I'm bored with this topic. But the snow outside my window is pretty... i'll think I'll write about that next.

I'm going to try this one more time

There is so much going on inside me. I can't really figure any of it out.

I don't quite know how to say it, but I'm going through cuddling withdrawals. It's been about a week (give or take a few hours) and when I have some alone time, all I can think about is how nice it would be if I could just hold some one's hand. That was so hard for me to write because I never wanted to admit to myself that I ever wanted that. Anyway, suffice it to say that I'm sorta experiencing some emotional crap-ocity right now.

Even though I want to jump someone, I have this sense of peace that what I did was the right thing for me to do. I know I won't ever regret that actions that I had to take to cut off contact with a certain individual...but I do acknowledge that it's been really hard because I just want to be held.

When I need to be held I feel that God loves me and I'll make it through. When I feel like giving up, He is telling me that He has more in store for me in this life than just living a homosexual lifestyle. He loves me, and that is the only reason why I haven't jumped off the deep end.

On a completely different note, I'm handing over my title as the youngest member in the queerosphere to my very, very good friend Sully He's entirely too heady and serious, but lets not hold that against him.

Okay kids, it's no where near as long or descriptive as I wanted to be--I'm still working on it, anyway enjoy your Sunday

A little less straight

Those of you who know me personally most likely know my infatuation with GoFugYourself. Poorly dressed celebrities experiencing red carpet burn, Lindsey Lohan caught at her worst, and very unflattering pictures of Jessica Simpson. I mean--who couldn't love that.

Also most of you know that I have an unfailing crush on Nelly Furtado, her super-ballad Try from Folklore, and then Afraid from her most recent album Loose--they're pretty much in my top 25 most played in my Itunes music library--they're amazing. Not to mention she's pretty

My crush on Nelly Furtado ended at 6:52 PM after I saw this. I still can't believe it's her, but after some thorough investigation it was confirmed this is ACTUALLY Nelly furtado... She's hideous.



I didn't know it was possible, but after this, i'm a little bit more gay. I Just hope Natalie Portman doesn't turn on me or I'll be doomed For those of you who are my friends, I'll be in mourning the loss of my hetero celebrity crush until Sunday evening at this time.

Starting Fresh. Again

Last night I took the steps I felt like I needed to. It was refreshing.

I closed a door; although it was only on one person it felt like I gave up more than just that more-than-friendship-but-not-quite-a-relationship deal, it was more permanent, I feel like, for the first time I actually put everything on the alter--well everything in my life so far on the alter.

I'm preparing for my world to crash around me--so far most things seem intact. I still need to talk to a few people. I'll try to do that on Sunday.

I'm listening to Christmas music. I've never liked it before and it's weird.

I drove around in my car tonight listening to This Day & Age with the windows down, and the heater on. It felt like summer again. Lines of lyrics like "Just promise me you'll always leave the ground," and "i don't blame you for questioning why people fall in love its all the things you were taught to run from"

Oh, it's pretty much official, I'm going to go to school winter semester. I'm definitely excited.

I wish I knew what to really say, but I just don't. It's coming to me, and I'll be able to write about it eventually. but... I can't find the words right now.

A Decision Made

Peace for now... Opposition will come later

Keep it real kids. ;-)

dreams are lame

I remember in my AP psych class that when we talk about dreams we shouldn't piece it together and try to make the concious understand the subconscious

so here it goes.

I was with him again, watching a movie like I found ourselves doing time and time again. I was sitting very close to him and wanted to have him just hold me, we started holding hands again except there was no blanket to hide under like the first time we held hands... no point either, we were alone. It was in a basement. I felt this intense desire to be held by him again.

I woke up, readjusted my down comforter, switched sides. The dream still included him in it, but he played a less important role.

vague and random--it's best to stay away

There's something I've been trying to blog about for weeks, except it's still off in the ether and I haven't been able to grasp it.

choice?
regret?
God?
change?
Friendship?


A few weeks ago, I was tired. Now i'm exhausted. My solution only perpetuated my spiritual, emotional, and physical fatigue. This is reminiscent of last year at this time...


"When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago." -- Friedrich Nietzsche (Thanks for that one Samantha--i can't stand reading Nietzsche long enough to find little gems like that)

I find myself at a point where I've found myself before, when I was barely 16 I found myself in the same mess of needing to leave a situation, but always finding myself longing to be in it again. I can see the cycle, where i'm at in it, and I think I know why it's happening. Now, since I can see myself I need to act appropriately. Yet, when I've left before, I always had everything lined up...it's always been calculated, can I walk the line long enough to make a smooth transition, or does this need to be more jarring than usual?

I do think an award is in order though, along with being the youngest regular posting member in the queerosphere (and also the most attractive (HAHAHA)) I must say I deserve the "Most Vague" superlative...

I did a lot of laundry today, and vacuumed my room. Now it smells like Tide with Febreeze. I added a faith and teachings section on my bookshelves. I've been burning up the Camille CD today on my laptop...the French music has really been the perfect soundtrack for the day.

Tales From Your Local Inspirational Bookstore

The seasonal help is starting at the bookstore, there is a new girl that is so awesome... She moved to Utah about three weeks after joining a church a short time ago. Let me set the scene...

There was a family that was wrapped in hick garb. The patriarch of the family had his boots on, hat that resembled something a civil war soldier would wear, and a vest. His sons, miniature versions of him. The matriarch was the female version of him, sans hat. They were a close family, the children minded their parents and they were overall great customers.

After the family left, the new girl walked over to me, and said, "Do you know what I love about Utah? There are all these hill-billy families... They drive into 'town' and you notice the shock on their faces, almost like they've never seen civilization before.

(and the best part...)

You'd almost expect them to come here with sticks in their hair, they're so endearing!"

Hilarious...absolutely friggin' hilarious!

Things going on in my life...

I need to update.

the only thing I can think of is a realization I had...

When people say, "it's your choice," they OBVIOULSY disapprove of what you want to do. but understand youre a big kid.

it's a bright thing NOT to do it.

*yawn*

THe lesson went well--thanks for all the encouraging test messages, emails, calls--they were very much appreciated.

I spent the day with The First Kiss who is now at BYU. She came over after Church and played cards wtih my family, when I was later driving her home she said, "I miss rednecks" it made me wicked happy.

Okay, I will update....and it'll be amazing.

anyway, I'm out, time for sleep

EQ Lesson...The Remix

You think for someone who is SSA/Homo/Gay teaching a lesson on "Faitfully Enduring Trials and opposition" would be a little easier.

but I got nothin' two quotes and an idea that really won't work as much as I'd like it to

...

Don't Look Back

FOX 13 Interview

I got home a bit too late to catch the Fox 13 of "Gay, Mormon, & Married" So I logged onto their website and was SO not impressed. First of all I felt so misrepresented--The first guy telling us that the only way we can be happy is to live our lives according to our attractions. His portion of the interview was like watching that Oprah episode on lesbians who used to be married...except this guy was white, had an unsavory neck, and didn't look as put together as O-town usually does. I felt like he was telling me the only way for me to enjoy my life was to give in, give up, and leave everything I love.

Then our very own Fob came on the air--less Oprah, but I still felt so misrepresented.

Ugh, it's late, and I don't have the energy to talk about this anymore. Let's just say I thought the interview sucked, and put the church and E.G. in an unattractive light. I don't agree with everything E.G. says, but they should've been given more than 15 seconds and a bad camera angle that emphasized David Pruden's odd looking gut and neck. And then the foreboding flashing of "Coming Out Straight" and, "Resolving Homosexual Problems" yeah, that wasn't cool either.

A Few Firsts

Okay, we'll get back to our ordinary schedule of angst, David Linn pictures, and saying bad things about people in my ward soon. but.... here are a few firsts from last night

1) I let someone drive my car, it's not that I'm protective of the junker--it's that I'm too paranoid to let anyone else drive it. My car is tempermental and most people can't handle it.
2) I invited people to my house. I usually try to stay away from this place at all costs--but a bunch of people came over, met the Mommy Monster, then had some hot chocolate.
3) I watched a movie outside on my macbook, in near freezing temperatures
4) Hmmm I also slept in until church started...which is at 12:30. My sleep cycle is SO messed up right now. I'll make it a goal of mine to get to bed at a decent hour, or to stop needing large amounts of sleep.

Text Messaging Fiasco

I was at Zupas for lunch with Stephalumpagus and I started to get some very curious text messages. I finally figured out who it was-- a girl who has been a little forward with her interest in me in the past. the conversation is as follows

CGWWTDATP (Crazy Girl Who Wanted To Do AtP): Hey this is CGWWTDAtP--what's up?
AtP: Not too much... (and with severe peer pressure from Stephalumpagus, i continued the text with...) Oh, and I should tell you, I'm gay now
CGWWTDATP: Wow, the last billion guys I have liked all go gay...but I have those temptations too

Wow. Some poor innocent girl just confessed lesbianism to me via text. She then went all preachy on me. Little did she know who she was really talking about. After awhile it just got annoying and i told her to have a good day.

but it is kinda funny.

...

it's a little past 11 PM. And I can't figure out why I'm scared to be home. I guess i'm sorry to those people I keep out so late, I just don't like being here and feeling alone.

I really wish I knew what I could blog about...

SSG: The Meltdown

Well kids, the Stupid Straight Guy struck again last night, with avengence. The dialogue is as follows

SSG: Sorry I had to have you come in and help, I feel so gay.
Me: Gay as in you like guys, or gay is in you feel stupid?
SSG: Gay as in a I feel dumb, you don't say gay here in utah?
Me: Some people do, but I don't--my oldest brother was gay, now he's dead--and I loved him very much
SSG: *laughs awkwardly*

Hmph, it's been a weird few days. I need to think about this some more...

A Confession, A Warning

okay, I'm going to admit it, I'm not fat. In fact, quite the opposite--I'm rather thin, a lightweight, I wear an adult size small t-shirt, or, extra-small, I rarely find pants small enough in the waiste that fit properly. I know I'm skinny, and I'm okay with that.

But if you ever call me skinny, scrawny, emaciated, stick-like, I'll be wicked pissed, and will most likely never think the same of you again.

ex: Today after our fifth Sunday meeting, a high councilman walked over to the pew I was sitting in and shook my hand and then asked "How's Skinny doing today?"

If I was in the mood to mock him openly, I should've said "Not so great now since you pointed out that I'm thin... How's the Short Fat Bald Man doing today? I see your shins and cankles are still withstanding the weight you seem necessary to put on them"

Another thing: Don't call me young, or point out that I'm younger than you. I don't see age, it's one of the things I have no judge of. We're equal. Don't call me a baby, or don't get awkward when I mention what year I was born in. There is a reason why I prefer the company of those older than me--I like being around people older than me. I love learning from your experiences. I'm okay with being the token baby of the group, but if you mention it, I may just throw a tantrum.

(Exception to the aforementioned rule, Samantha,Darrin, Jerman, Carrot and Smurf who alone, have the exclusive right to call me Fetus--and ONLY because we overcame sleep together.)

Now this post may make me look like a complete and total (expletive delete) but I'm generally a nice person, as I'm sure some of you could testify of.

and before I dig myself deeper in this hole of looking like a not-so-nice-individual I think I'll go to bed.

"To not have to live this damned lie would be heaven, but to act on this truth would be hell."

Something that makes me REALLY happy

click on the link, read that post, don't wimp out--read it all.

It's a miracle :-)

People Who Are Cool

Ken Biddles for bringing me a Jamba today while I worked.
El Veneno for stopping by and making me laugh a lot.
El Veneno's buddy for being amazingly cool
The Jerman for having the ability to be absolutely friggin hilarious, while being so laid back and chill--and also for having me in his cellphone as AtP Fetus (major props for that one)
Stephalumpagus because she's hot, funny, and having that kick-A grandma car
And last but not least...Samantha because she basically saved my life, and has helped me become who I am today (which is a mess, but a mess who is much happier with himself...a happy mess who isn't self medicating with porn either. :-) You rock )

Okay, Another thing about Samantha. Apparently she got one of those emails yesterday...you know the one that basically told her that her marriage is an abomination, her kids are going to be messed up, WHATEVER. But I just want to say (Even the person/people who have or will write those emails won't read this) Her marriage is the greatest I've ever seen--it's the perfect example of what I want in my future life. Her kids are well adjusted, and happy. I was able to spend a weekend with them--all of them knowing I was gay, and they were SO chill with it. So to those who think otherwise, or that her marriage is an abomination--GO SCREW YOURSELVES

About five minutes before we closed, El Veneno stopped by with his friend who happens to be a girl, I gave them the grand tour of my place of employment, we laughed about the new Gladys Knight CD, and other things. Ten rolled around and I bolted out of that place to chill with Stephalumpagus and The Jerman--we got pizza, had awkward conversation pauses and overall had a pretty amazing time. We fried cookies on the bell tower lights at BYU. They didn't even turn out half bad....which was impressive.

Venting

Okay. I'm a little frustrated at work. The reason? I'm training the new guy...for the purposes of naming him in the Queerosphere I think I'll call him SSG (Stupid Straight Guy) . Here's a list of things that I wish I could put in his locker...but... I can't

Dear SSG,

-Your cologne smells like my old dog
-You sound like a used car salesmen when talking to customers. It annoys them, and makes you look white trash.
-You say really, really stupid things
-You answer your cell phone on the floor, yet you don't answer the store phone.
-You have really bad hair
-Your ten-key abilities are that of an Ethiopian 4 year old.
-You keep saying "gay" when you should really be saying, "stupid," or, perhaps, "lame"

with respect,

Your not so-straight training supervisor.

a seperation of sorts

I don't know why I entitled the post "a seperation of sorts" except for that's what I think is going on inside. There will come a time when there is no middle ground, that means in the world...and inside ourselves.

That time is coming for me, there is beginning to be no middle ground, the time for spiritual apathy is coming to an end. After my realization of agency last week the fight has been more intense. I'm happy with my life as a chaste member of the church who also experiences SSA, but there's still that part of me that probably won't go away during this life.

I've been thinking (never, ever good...especially after 12) that I need to create a deeper relationship with Christ and start to rely on Him more fully.

I know I'm of infinite worth to Him, I've made my choice....I just want to remember what choice I've made.

<>

"The difference is that those who are, or who will become Saints reach breaking points without breaking" --Elder Maxwell

Okay... AtP is just going to type until I come to some sort of conclusion about why I feel like someone just shoved a hand mixer into my chest. I'm getting irritated with my parents again (wait...When am I NOT irritated with them?). I rarely even see them and I still can't stand to occupy the same space as they do.

This dichotomy is really growing a little bit more intense. I have a huge love for Him. He's my Redeemer, He went through the Atonement for us all, I don't want to dissapoint Him. I've done that enough already.

Yet on the other side there is a part of me that wants to just be held. To just feel safe and physically not alone.

Friday I had a wicked long talk with Samantha, went to work, then afterwards got some Denny's with Tito. We talked about a lot of stuff. It was aboslutely amazing. Afterwards I got a huge drop kick in the face where I realized that I had agency and if I wasn't going to choose to follow Christ, I could choose the other path. Then it ended with, "Now...who do you love more?"

When I was teaching the EQ lesson today on Agency this chasm intesified. I kept talking about choosing Him--looking to Him for our salvation... Yet in the back of my mind I was wishing I was going over to someone or anyone's apartment to just lie in their arms and not have to worry about anything. Oh man do I talk the talk well...

I guess this is another one of those learning experiences... this is honestly the first time in my life that I've tried to deal with these emotions in a healthy manner for an extended amount of time, rather than masturbating and viewing pornograhy. For those of you who've figured that out. Let me know, I could use some help

EQ Lesson

Oh man...that sucked. I hope I made sense. I know I didn't though.

*le sigh* but I did tell them to talk to their kids about pornography and masturbation. That flopped--and hard.

Ugh. I'm going to find something to eat.

Quote

"Ahah! moments are wonderful, and they suck" --Samantha

We both had our own today. Mine concerned my issues with agency, and wanting all the answers, and generally unhealthy behaviors.... and as Tito said tonight during dinner, "it's a process of putting things on the alter of God"

and Samantha is just downright amazing, add El Veneno, Tito, and a few of the other characters of this Dramatis Personae

Stuff

Currently listening to: Nelly Furtado, Afraid and Wait for You

Well. I got back Monday and I've been procrastinating everything I learned and was able to experience. The fireside went well. I think. I was so nervous. but it turned out well, Jerman and Smurf rocked it up hardcore. David suggested we get rainbow sherbet for the refreshments, that kid is amazing.

I'm stil tired form the all nighter we pulled sunday night

I don't know what to say. I want to sit down and just pound out everything that's going on in my head right now. but i need to work on the EQ lesson...which is chapter 20--any ideas?

When I see people crying, I'm insanely jealous.

it's been over three years. I want to cry, I want to let everything out, I want to have someone come hold me when it happens and have them tell me everything will be okay. Is it too much to want to feel sorrow and to let it show? I feel pain, obviously you've read all the angst that goes on in my life, but I can't let it out...it just won't happen.

because all the cool kids are doing it.

And because I'm also procrastinating writing a real post...

You are a Social Moderate (55% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (28% permissive) You are best described as a: Democrat Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid Free Online Dating Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Samantha...She's really a witch

Spending the weekend @ 7200 feet with Samantha, Darrin, and the rest of the gang has been, welp, amazing.

Full of fun times, awkward moments, David was almost outted about four times and it's only been two days.

anywho... I'm sure there will be a picture post (none of us, I mean, we're attractive enough that we can't put pictures of ourselves online... I mean, you'd all want us.

but have a good one. I'm expecting to get back to Prozac Valley tomorrow evening.

General Announcements about the life of AtP: The Youngest and Most Attractive Member of the Queerosphere.

I'm off to Westport, Conneticut to hang out with Samantha and Darrin. I'm hitching a ride with Smurf, Jerman, Tito and Carrot. Good times will be had by all.

And a minor clarification for Mr. Galt that is a month overdue. Samantha isn't the "Mother Nature Healer Goddess" (HAHA! I know what kind of visual YOU just got Samantha ;-) She's amazing, but NOT a M.N.H.G

I've been looking forward to this weekend since the EG conference. When we were protecting eachother from scary people at the EG conference we laughed all the time--then she'd spill out amazing nuggets of truth. This is an example of what she kicked me in the head with today.

it's called the Absolute Gay Truth:

"The truth is that someday you WILL trust yourself. And it will either be in the realm of you, as a practicing homosexual, or of you, as a worthy member of the church. At some point the middle ground will become so miserable and pointless that you will choose."

Oh, and one more which is the official AtP QOTD: "I want to be a snowman... I mean, I'd be an awesome snowman!

"Considering the incomprehensible cost of the Crucifixtion, Christ will not turn his back on us now"

Bishop #2

I had a ton of questions that were stemming from the meeting that I had two weeks ago with my bishop. I was so frustrated that our meetings only consisted of, "How're things?" "Good, concerning the circumstances," (the circumstances included being rejected from serving a full-time mission for the time being for worthiness issues after passing the ecclesiastical interviews and having my bishop announce that my mission papers were in) "Oh, that's great. You're a good guy, and concerning your most recent mishap you can submit your papers again in six months."

When he told me that I was furious, hurt, and confused... I had ALREADY given them six months, and they REJECTED ME. I didn't (still don't) trust him enough to believe him... it might even take a letter from the first presidency or my area presidency to believe that I can put in my papers again, because I don't want to open myself up to the hurt of being rejected again, in what seemed like such an open manner.


On Wednesday my mom went in to talk with the bishop (she's the RS president) and I asked her to take a copy of the interview between Elder Wickman, Elder Oaks, and the Public Relations Department of the church, and also a copy of IQD. I felt that my bishop needed to learn more about this subject so he could counsel others who may not have the support system that I do. My mom also mentioned that I needed to speak with him on Sunday.

After church was out, I ran home and had to grab some food to help regulate the blood sugar (stupid low blood sugar...makes fasting almost impossible) I walked back over to my church building, the bishop's office door was open--I was the first one up today. Walking in, he got up and shaked my hand as usual. I took my usual spot accross the desk from him, this was also the seat I used when I was a priest. I decided against using the normal greetings, I honestly don't think I've ever so forward with this particular bishop. I sat down and immediately asked him if I could start going to do baptisms again at the temple. He thought about it for a moment, moved himself in his chair, then said, "Yes." Thinking it being my lucky day I was tempted to ask him for a new car, but I thought it horribly inappropriate.

I moved onto my next question, "Why is it that the Stake President said I needed to keep my records in this ward?" I got an "I don't know, but I'll find out... he probably just doesn't want you to have to work with numerous bishops about this issue"

Satisfied with the answer I moved on to the next question I had, concerning the mission. I decided a few weeks ago that I wasn't going to put in my papers until I knew I was ready, until I knew I loved myself, until I was happy with myself, and until I made an extemely prayerful decision about the matter. I was so thrown off that he said six months during our last chat. I asked him elaborate on what the missionary department said, he went through the specifics of the letter. I still feel good about my decision to wait until I feel like I'm ready--and not letting anyone put in their two cents on when or why I should go.

My bishop, in a surprising turn of events actually started talking without me asking a question. He mentioned he's read most of the material I had my mom deliver to him, and that he is learning a lot. He kept on talking, he still has a lot to learn. Bishop asked if I was attracted to members of the opposite sex at all... I mentioned to him that it was very different. That I don't have a desire to be intimate with someone of the opposite sex, I wouldn't mind getting married either. But first I needed to get over the the fact that I get a little sick.

We finished the chat at our longest ever... 15 minutes.

French Toast and Awkward Moments

I feel awkward, and once again contemplating my brothers death.

First of all Samantha and I came to the conclusion we're shallow.

Secondly Smurf and The Jerman crashed my place of employment tonight, it was entertaining--so thanks, y'all made working today worthwhile

After that we watched the corpse bride with Stephalumpagus, partied it up at Ihop--I got the caramel and banana french toast. delish. Towards the end of the meal I realized how crowded the place was getting and I suddenly became very, very uncomfortable and I wanted to run away. I spent the rest of the evening a bit more quiet than I usually am, and attempted to huddle up in a ball--which didn't really work since I was either standing up waiting in line to pay...or sitting in the backseat of a car with two other people.

After that, which only ended a good thirty minutes ago, I got online to read some blogs... and I noticed -L-'s most recent post on suicide and mental illness....it was cold and sterileit brought up a ton of emotions about my brother's death that I haven't even recognized in over a year and a half. I suddenly felt that I couldve stopped it. I couldve told someone he was using again, I couldve told someone that his life was spinning out of control, or he wished everything was just over.

-L- not everything is as crystal clear as you made it seem. I was a little kid who only thought he was covering for someone he loved... Who knew that wiping a binder off that had cocaine off it and tossing a needle would be one step closer to someone's goal of leaving this world.

I have no idea where that came from... but I need to just let it be and publish this.

who the crap are you?

I just realized how many SSA/SGA/gay/whatever people there were who are hangin' out around blogger. I mean. we. are. everywhere. Also since the explosion of the SSA/SGA/gay/OSA/SGA-M-O-M/whatever blogging world I've felt a little too exposed...So I had this brilliant idea, y'all could introduce yourselves, ya know--tell me how you got your 'nym, your story, how you found the Queerosphere, etc... Lame, I know, but maybe I won't feel like I'm being stalked by sex crazed rapists if that happens.

anywho. moving on...As you can tell from the post below I broke down and got myself a new pair of glasses... My contacts have been bugging me so much lately. Since I'm so blind they had to send them away to get the lenses in, etc. So I'll be rockin' it up like the fashion forward book nerd that I am in a few days. Besides that my life is boring, except in a few weeks I get to hang out with the Stevens' ...probably going to have a six-pack from all the laughing I'll be doing. I can't wait.

So, this is random. But I love when I get random checks in the mail. Like the one I received today that's enough to pay for my glasses that I just got.

i have a feeling that I'm very, very blessed

Family Home Evening

Mom and Dad held their monthly family home evening group tonight. Great experience as usual, with red velvet cake. Good conversation. But I'm not going back unless I can kidnap a friend to have them watch my back and keep me out of awkward situations...like the following.

1) Someone I saw at the EG conference told me, "I wanted to get my picture with you at the evergreen conference...but I could never really ask you...can I get your picture" Ignoring his question I responded, "I wanted to play a game of smear the queer at the Evergreen conference...but I didn't get that chance." I was able to avoid the picture for a moment or two with that distraction, but this kid perservered. I posed politely while he snapped away.

2) Someone I've never met before ask me for my number, I gave him a fake one....Upon writing this, I realize I gave him my blog URL...I'm pretty sure you'll read this...and I'm sorry, I just got freaked out a little bit.

3) The aforementioned happened, then I was suddenly trapped by a couch, and many people with no escape route, I couldn't find one for quite a while. I was almost about to hop over the couch to just get away.

4) "So, which bookstore do you work in?" Please--I have no desire to have that questioned asked by anyone anymore. I'm almost to the point of looking for another job.

These experiences have made me so much more grateful for having "normal" gay/ssa/sga/whatever friends. Over the past few weeks when we've been able to hang out, I have felt safe, I haven't needed to look for an escape whenever I was with people, and I haven't feared being raped in the back of someone's car.

Yesterday was amazing, E.V. invited me to hang out for the afternoon session of conference (maybe it was by default) with his ward, they were wicked cool and just awesome people. I felt like moving up there was the right thing. Now, I just need to find a place to live, get a job, and make sure that everything is chill with going to school up there.

Elder Oaks' talk today was great.

"I don't have all the answers...and I'm beginning to be okay with that"

--Random quote from the EG conference

Okay. I'm not used to posting such personal things on this blog, such as the post of my brother, things about work et cetera. So I'm going to be taking a little vacation and hiding for a bit until this uncomfortable vulnerable feeling stops and I feel safe to post here again.

That one place I work...

okay everyone, I'm sure most of you know that I work at an inspirational book store. Great times, right? Most of the time...yes I mean, selling someone a picture of Christ that they'll look at all the time, or maybe suggesting a book that they look like they'd enjoy.

But then there are other times when people feel that their local booksellers need to hear everything in your life...Here's a small list of things I've had customer's tell me.

We have one customer who comes in weekly, he's a compulsive liar, so that should disqualify him from blog acknowledgement...but they're entertaining.

"I have ALS, I only have 6 months to a year to live"
The Next week it was...
"I have MS, in about 12 months I'll be confind to a wheel chair."
and then to my coworker
"Do you have a problem discussing urination...because of my "condition" I have a severe problem with wetting myself."

The next lady
"I need to find a scapbook cover for a wedding, but it can't say "temple wedding," because she's pregnant."

"My daughter is marrying a BAPTIST! I can't believe it! She just barely left a porn addict and now she's going to marry someone WORSE! Do you have ANYTHING that might change her mind?!"

Those are just a few. I have more written down at work. My favorite customers that I have come in are ones that are buying a Mark Chamberlain book, or Colleen Harrison's He Did Deliver Me From Bondage. They are usually extremly nervous, I laugh at them inside and think to myself "If they only knew who they were buying this book from." I make a polite comment that Dr Chamberlain is a great man, with wonderful insights--and more recently, that I was able to hear him a week ago at a conference (he spoke at the EG conference) They walk out the door and I hope that they'll make it.

I don't know if I mentioned this, but during ED week my store was wicked busy, I had someone come in, the woman opened very cautiously to a page in an ad that, she then pointed to the book "In Quiet Desperation" she asked where it was. I suddenly felt my knees give out a little, I was so nervous. Masking my nerves, I quickly walked over to our self improvement section, and handed her the book and told her, "This is book is in my top-ten that we have at this store." That sentence alone floored her. She didn't quite know what to say, "Oh, so you've read this..." she asked me. I quickly answered, "Yes, I found the content appropriate, timely, and spiritually based, there is a lot of insight that the authors bring to the topic, I loved it" I could tell she was putting two and two together, not quite knowing what she should say next. I filled the awkward conversational gap with, "Well, if you need anything else. Please let me know" I smiled kindly, trying to tell her that I know what they're going through, I understood her families pain, and I wanted to help... I tried to tell her that everything would be okayy. After that, I went back to my hanging some framed art while she looked around some more...

I wish I would've given her my email address, offering help. But I figured it wasn't my place, nor would she feel at all comfortable doing so if I even offered. But I wonder all the time if her and her family is okay.

Anywho.

My brother

On February 26th of 2003 my oldest brother passed away. He was barely 28, gay, and a drug addict. He overdosed while speed balling. My brother was also the only person in my family that made me feel like I was actually connected...He was brilliant, kind, and a year before he passed away he promised me that he was going to be the best big brother ever. He kept that promise until a few months before he died, when the drugs started to take over his life.

Samantha mentioned a few weeks ago some things about my brother...mainly that I miss him a lot more than I let on...which I do. I wish he was still here, I miss watching movies with him, I miss having him tell about a cool new CD, or him giving me rides to a coffee house so I can get a caramel white hot chocolate, while he got one of his pretentious caffeine fixes. The last few years of his life he was dating one of the best guys that I knew, they were both happy and he took care of my brother. Since my brother passed away, his boyfriend has stayed in touch and made sure that I made it through adolescence without too much damage. I was thinking about that today, so I decided to rummage through his boxes we have in the attic... I found his journal, is faux journal (the diary of a wanna be scenester) I forgot how artistic he was! Towards the end of his life he was doing portraits of his favorite music artists strictly by shading in with lyrics to their songs.

Maybe I’m just imagining this, but I think we have the same smile.





I'm not sad that I went through his things today, I'm actually really happy that I did. I miss him, and I'm okay with that.

Bishop interview #1

I decided I wanted to keep track of all my interactions with my ecclesiastical leaders from now until I leave on a mission (whenever that may be) When my Stake President got my rejection letter from the Missionary Department, the missionary department wanted to make sure I was seeing my bishop every month to make sure I'm not suicidal, buying a rainbow thong,or moving to San Fran


It was an uncomfortable sunday. In Sunday school, I kept picturing in my mind throwing a hymn book at The Slow Talker and Brother Expletive Delete. After church I went to talk to my bishop, it was one of our monthly mandated visits. The meeting was it's average of a whole 5 minutes. He asked how I was doing, I told him the truth, he then said I was going about this the right way, shook my hand and walked me toward the door. Todays visit wasn't a negative eperience, although it was a long way from positive. My questions rarely get answered...although that is my fault, I only rarely get to asking them point blank...which is needed with this bishop.

Maybe next month I'll print a copy of the church interview on SSA, and maybe buy my bishop a copy of IQD so he won't seem so awkward around me.

A few minutes ago I was thinking, and something that Alan Chambers, president of exodus international said at the EG conference started resonating with me, he mentioned, "I never want another kid to feel as though he is dammned like I did" in reference to his experience with homosexual attraction.

I started to think about this, I never felt like I was going to go to hell just for my feelings. First I thought I wasn't trying hard enough. Then I just thought I could never live a life that was in accordance with Christ and His teachings. I didn't think I could make it, that I'd fall away like so many of my brothers friends, and his last boyfriend.

But two weeks before I started to reconcile my homosexual attractions I was at work and I started thinking to myself, "I'm going to go on a mission, try to be worthy...then come home, go to school, last as long as I could, But I will eventually leave the church to pursue a same sex relationship."

Thank God I was wrong, I discovered that it was okay that I dealt with this, it wasn't my fault, it didn't need repenting of, and I could make it!

Tonight I realized I don't want anyone to think they can't make it, like it's too hard, or not worth it. Because it IS worth it, and you can make it.

There are so many times, like when I was recently listening to Snow Patrol's song Chasing Cars, and then Set The Fire to the Third Bar, I started to long to share those songs with someone I loved. But then I opened up my notebook and found these words, also by Alan Chambers, "We are called to live a life of denial."

Remember, "Our trials simply reveal to us our true selves"

A few days ago, someone I am/was very good friends with told me I don't trust anyone that isn't gay. I can count on one hand the number of straight people I really trust...eh.

any thoughts on the matter?

Evergreen...

anyway. So the EG conference was a lot of fun... As Samantha mentioned that she wishes she could give the credit to the EG conference...but really, it was because we're all so much fun to be around. There were some times when we were so bored that we ended up passing notes back and forth, (see post below) giving out our own awards--thanks Smurf for giving me the "Most Ridiculous Laugh" (in all honesty, no one else had a chance with that one.) Then there was the time when I had to run out of the Q&A session for the Male "Strugglers" and then saw Samantha running out of the one she was in... after that Smurf and Sam read Isaiah together while I laughed continuously.

I learned a lot, but mostly about how great it was to have friends who understand, and not have any awkward sexual tension--which is rare when meeting other gay guys.

Ummm i'm tired now. Maybe tomorrow I'll have more ambition.

a few pictures

I don't think any of you can undestand the pain that is involved when a boring psychotherapist gets up there to accept an award... and then have atleast 4 people do it... it was horrible. Although, I realized how grateful I am for the invention of post-it notes.



Soon after that we were getting desperate...

But anywho, I'm so glad I went to the EG conference and got to meet a few of you, it was really a great experience.

too much to digest right now, but I think things will really be a little bit better, and different. I'm... happy and not cynical...well i don't know how true that was. but....

I feel 100% okay.

*cough*

Well, the EG conference starts tomorrow, hopefully it'll be a party. and if not, we'll just have Smurf start a game of smear the queer.

There’s so much I want to write, and there are a few reasons behind this, I haven’t really posted in quite some time, and secondly I’ve had a few experiences lately that have really just added to this emotional and spiritual vat of Fleh. (Don’t ask, just make the “fleh” noise and you’ll probably understand)

As I posted on one of my other blogs I’m going to start to rebuild myself, I have a lot to put back together, and there are some things I’m going to try to incorporate in this reconstruction. One of the things that I know will be essential will be what Samantha and I talked about, which would be to love myself no matter what; no matter what I do, my temptations, my situation with me serving a mission. Yet another factor that I need to bring in would be a stronger relationship with Christ, not built on knowledge but built on prayer and communication with Him. How can I expect to build myself on the Rock who is my Redeemer when I don’t go to Him in prayer?

Also, I was able to attend a fireside with other members of the Church who struggle with Same Sex Attraction. The person who spoke was a woman in her mid-twenties from Idaho. She was married to a man who struggled with SSA; they had a beautiful little girl. Five months after their daughter was born they were traveling home and a drunk driver hit them. Her husband and daughter died and she was in a coma for several weeks.

A few days after the accident she received a blessing by Elder Eyring and she was healed.
She showed us a statue of Christ carrying a girl that was by her bedside while she was in the hospital. I looked at it, and felt that I’ve been carried, and if I let Him now, He will carry me through what I’m facing.

We had Regional Conference on Sunday, I was mostly impressed by Elder Wirthlin’s talk about carrying on. Last month his wife passed away, and he was up there telling us to carry on, I was so impressed by his strength in that, I could tell he was hurting, that he was struggling—yet, as Pinetree pointed out, he was carrying on, exemplifying perfectly the topic he chose to speak on.

One thing that I was able to be comforted with was the fact that Christ has walked our path; He knows us and is willing to help us. He loves us, He does. He knows what we’re going through.

I need to stop writing since I have work soon and it’s going to be a long day.

I'm finally understanding prayer, finally

you know youre in utah when...

... Your fast food lady asks you why you aren't on a mission.

wtf?

"He is despised and rejected of men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief and we hid as it were our faces from Him; He was despised and we esteemed Him not.

"Surely he has borne our greifs, and carried our sorrows, yet we esteem Him stricken, smitten of God and afflicted

"Be He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities, the chastisement of our pease was upon Him,

and with His stripes we are healed..."

Isaiah 53:3-5

I swear on my life that if one more of my old friends calls me to mention werf lost their viriginity, I will explode. It's really starting to get ridiculous. Samantha, that stick you offered to keep freaks away would be greatly appreciated.

Okay, so church… How can I explain how I feel about my particular congregation and the situation that I’m in? I love the church; it’s a means where I can obtain a better relationship with my God and my Redeemer. Although, since I’ve found out about the mission that attending church does make me a little down.

Two weeks ago, I was sitting in the standard pew near the back of the chapel in my hometown; a family who has been in the ward for about a year was sitting two pews in front of me. They have the most adorable girl who is just under 2 Years old; she walked back to me, and just laughed. Honestly, my feelings were hurt a little! She ran back to her mom, then ran back to me with some toys, she lifted her arms up in the “pick me up, I’m really and I wanna play!” fashion those kids tend to pull on us. She sat with me the rest of Sacrament meeting.

It was great, I felt loved, and for the first time in my life, I actually wanted kids of my own.

Church wasn’t so bad that week.

When I get to church this week, I was forced to sit in the cultural hall with those hard folding chairs. It was fast and testimony meeting, and after with a minor stint of Brother Expletive Delete talking about his bible bashing escapades in various chat rooms we were back on track.

Testimony meeting was good! I wasn’t depressed! Someone a lot younger than me got his mission call, and I wasn’t depressed about that either! Oh! And also in Gospel Doctrine the teacher burned Brother Expletive Delete! It was pretty much amazing.

Oh, and this whole Fasting thing sort of works…who knew?

Random trips to Salt Lake for a gyro that is only mediocre, good conversation with a great friend. then game night--thanks for not making me feel *too* stupid.

overall, it was a good day.

Me typing incoherently at 3AM

One of my all time favorite scriptures would have to be Revelations 7:13-17 it reads, “And one of the elders answered, saying unto me, What are these who are arrayed in white robes? And whence came they? And I said unto him, Sir, thou knowest. And he said to me, These are they which came out of great tribulation, and have washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the Lamb. Therefore are they before the throne of God, and serve him day and night in his temple: and he that sitteth on the throne shall dwell among them. They shall hunger no more, neither thirst anymore…For the Lamb which in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of waters: and God shall wipe all tears from their eyes”

This piece of scripture has been a life preserver for me in times of great pain where I didn’t know where I should turn to for help, for those nights I lay in my bed not wanting to make it through another day, I would repeat the last line of that over and over again in my head until I felt at peace with myself and fall asleep.

I was thinking more about that passage, our relationship with our Christ, and His love for us. The end of the verse states that, “God shall wipe all tears from their eyes,” I don’t know about anyone else, but I’ve never let anyone extend their arm, and with a brush of their thumb wipe a tear from my cheek. Mind you, I’m slightly emotionally barren when it comes to the crying department. But with all of the people that I currently know, I wouldn’t allow them, or they wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that.

I really wish I knew what I was trying to say here….well, I guess that Our God, Our Christ, the One who has provided redemption, loves us, He knows us, and He will be there to comfort us.

Also, at work I read part of a book that goes through, what the author thought, as the meaning of Christ referring Himself to as “The beginning and the end.” This has always confused me, as I’ve just simply brushed it away and chalked it up to His eternal nature. But this author brought up what it means to each and every one of us personally. He is the end of sorrow, pain, grief, loneliness, past hurt, and he is the beginning of peace, life, love, understanding, healing, and joy. He came to bring beauty for ashes.

Remember, God will wipe the tears away from your eyes.

Tonight I do not need a fiery pillar in the sky, I just need to know that youre going to hold me if I start to cry... Oh, great God be close to me...

I'm doing better than yesterday, although i'm still not able to really put into words whats going on.. it'll come soon though. Sleep well everyone

Having a bad day.

I really don't like angst.

*le sigh*

My parents asked what was wrong, there are a lot of things going well.. but let's focus on the negative just because I'm in a pissy mood, and this is my blog.

I'm the new project in Elders Quorum, my bishop everytime he shakes my hand has that, "I'm so sorry" look in his eyes but he doesn't know how to help, in gospel doctrine they kept repeating the phrase "every young man needs to serve a mission." I felt more than one set of eyes land on myself. That felt absolutely wonderful. Oh, I also like guys--incase anyone didn't catch that.

When will attending church stop hurting? When can I go and have a positive experience?

I want to run away again, but I'm too scared to do it. I really need to take some time off of everything and go away for a while. like literally leave this place and put myself back together.

Also, recently the only thing that has kept me from "acting out" has been fear, not the love of the Gospel and Christ as it should be. I need to realign my focus.

but I'm lazy, so I'll probably just take a nap, wake up and spend way too much time watching movies or reading a pointless, badly written book.

I jsut posted a huge photo essay on my straight blog, if you think youre cool enough and you want the link, just send an email to Attemptingthepath(At)gmail(dot)com

it goes through the last 4 years of my life, it was really... intense to relive some of those memories, but absolutely worthwhile

Continuing the saga

I came out to my parents the first Wednesday in May. The next day was my day off with my old job and my stake president called me and asked me to stop by his business for an interview to put my mission papers. I went in to the interview dressed to kill, we covered all the topics of small talk that are necessary in such situations, then we go through the entire interview, I was completely honest. He then asks me if there was any place that I couldn’t serve.

I answered the Minnesota Minneapolis Mission.

He looked at me, not knowing if I was joking or not. I then asked my Stake President if my bishop told him anything that we’ve discussed. He shook his head, ‘No he didn’t mention anything.”

By this time, coming out to people was like second nature, so I told him that I struggle with SSA and that a few months ago, I was participating in an online forum where I started to communicate through AOL Instant Messenger, and occasionally over the phone with a young man who was also a pre-missionary. This person, who was living in California at the time and just got his mission call to Minnesota. A few weeks after we started conversing he wrote me an extremely long email. In this email he confessed his general attraction to me, then asked if I could pick him up from the airport so we could make out (and so, so much more) before he went to the MTC.

I feel horrible saying this, but I might’ve considered it if he wasn’t an ugly 250 pound 5’ 4” Filipino man (I almost hate bringing up the fact that he was Filipino, but I have to, since the Filipino race is generally slightly shorter and not quite as large as this particular gentleman was….) So this brought up two things I’ve never thought of, I’m superficial, and I need to continually watch myself and the people I converse with.

I reply to this man and tell him that I can’t talk to him anymore, and that he needed to erase my phone number, erase all my contact information so he wouldn’t try contacting me again. I blocked his email, AIM, removed his commenting ability on my other weblog (I think everyone here underestimates my blog-whore-ness…I’m ridiculous)

I then said that as of March 26th he was serving in the Minnesota mission, and it wouldn’t be fair for me, or that young man to be in the same mission, because I knew for a fact that he still was really messed up about his feelings for me.

For a good 15 minutes I sat there while my stake president typed notes into his computer for my papers. He said everything would be okay, and that in about two or three weeks I’d hear back from he missionary department.

Two weeks went by and I still haven’t heard anything from the missionary department… Exactly three weeks later my stake president called and told me that I needed to get a psychiatric evaluation. Two weeks later I went in for the evaluation with someone from LDS Social Services. I considered her highly inept, considering the fact that she talked more about how I did theatre in high school rather than the fact that I like guys.

Two weeks later I still hadn’t heard anything back from he missionary department, three went by…that Sunday I get a call from the stake president’s office requesting that I come down to speak with him.

I thought it was going to be a “hang in there” chat with the SP (I was constantly having those with the bishop) but this one was different. I walked into the stake offices and by the look in his eyes when he shook my hand I knew he pitied me at the time. I walk in, knowing full well that I wasn’t going to be able to serve at this time.

He asked me to sit in a chair next to his desk, rather than sitting opposite. I move closer, and sit down rather stiffly—attempting not to let my generally animated face show any expression.

SP: “The First Presidency wanted me to let you know that this decision has nothing to do with the fact that you struggle with Same-sex attraction.” (Which I genuinely believe)
AtP: what? … Oh…kay?”
SP: “In your psychiatric evaluation some information came out that I wasn’t aware of” (Lie, I told you. But I’ll let it slide this time) “But the church has a strict policy that before someone can be considered for missionary service they need to have been a member in good standing for at least a year—you can resubmit your papers again in January”
AtP: “What?”
Bishop: “Mark, I’m sorry…I just want to let you know that we’re proud of you for going about this the right way…You could’ve easily lied and been able to serve right away, but we’re very proud that you didn’t…”

After a few more minutes concerning repentance, consequences, etcetera they dismissed me to tell my family what the church decided.

Moments after I get into my car, I turn it on, and send out a mass text message—I sent one to Hilary, AKA the First (and only) Kiss. Thee minutes later she called, I thought that she was going to console me, but no. She then started yelling about how her parents wouldn’t let her come to Utah for a summer vacation. I couldn’t believe that I had just heard the worse news of my life so far and she called to complain about how bad her upper middle class life with nearly perfect parents, was horrible (although she might be feeling bad that her current boyfriend was an emotional basket case who is absolutely hideous)

…I got off the phone as soon as possible and went to take a nap…

After I woke up from the nap, I decided that I was going to do what held me up the first time, just to spite them… In retrospect that wasn’t the brightest decision I’ve ever made… that really threw me back to square one. Damn.